<p>Thankyou SportsMama you hit the nail right on. I am so upset because this young man was so wonderful to my daughter and extremely well liked by every family member both immediate and extended. The relationship they had was so special that I had accepted this althought extremely young as being the future son in law that was perfect for my daughter.</p>
<p>My father has never gotten over his first âheartbreakâ of this kind. My father and I basically adopted my sisterâs boyfriend Z as a son/brother during the four years they were together. Z had a fit of commitment panic and dumped my sister, and when he came crawling back a few months later, she didnât take him back. My dad was so torn up about Z dumping us that he has resisted becoming friends with any of his four daughtersâ boyfriends ever since â and itâs been 14 years. Two of my sisters are now married, but Dadâs relationships with their husbands are not the close father/son relationship he had with Z.</p>
<p>I still miss Z myself.</p>
<p>Some years ago, my younger brother was living with a woman whom we all like very much. It was a tough go when they broke up. I personally liked the woman and considered her a friend in her own right. It does make things awkward when these things happen.</p>
<p>Itâs even worse in divorce situations.</p>
<p>OP- Please donât let the ghost of Boyfriend #1 haunt any of your daughterâs future relationships. Sooner or later she will pick âThe Oneâ and it would be unfair to them if you bring up BF#1 in any way shape or form. Donât make the mistake of comparing any of her bfs past or present. Donât get attached, donât campaign, donât malign. Treat all of them nicely.</p>
<p>When my oldest broke up with her first bf that we actually liked, we felt horrible. We all knew it was inevitable, but we had grown attached. He spent holidays with us and we also socialized with his parents and even grandparents . After that, I have kept my distance. We are friendly, cordial and welcoming , but try too see them as transitional relationships and not get emotionally attached to them.</p>
<p>Agree with Slumom. My DD has had a few relationships that lasted an average of 2.5 years. Iâve refrained from getting involved and have set boundaries against sharing holidays and vacations with us until they are actually part of the family legally.</p>
<p>mamma-three, i can certainly relate on a different level. when i was in high school, my older brother broke up with his long standing girlfriend, and i was crushed. i really liked her, and was so used to seeing her, and i came to think of her as an older sister. </p>
<p>i cried my eyes out when i learned there were no longer together. my stupid brother just looked at me like i was nuts.</p>
<p>Maybe the lesson here is that high school and college bfs/gfs shouldnât be brought into the fold as part of the family. In reading these posts I am really glad my old high school/college bfs were treated like bfs rather than family members. They spent vacations and holidays with their families and I spent them with mine.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Your daughter is way too young to reach a conclusion like that about her partner in life. I truly believe whether or not we articulate these things, our children pick up on them and itâs very important to not prewrite the future. </p>
<p>My son has only had one boyfriend so far and I adored him. Kind, smart, funny and respectful. When my son broke up with him I was surprised at the strength of my feelings but my job is to support my son in his choices.</p>
<p>catera, My approach is to just accept that sometimes people I deeply care for move out of my life, for all sorts of reasons.</p>
<p>cartera, one frustration I have w/my niece is that from 8th grade on I never saw her without a boyfriend attached! We only saw that family when we were in town, and she always had one or another boyfriend with her - Christmas, birthdays, etc. No opportunity to bond, to do girl talk, etc.</p>
<p>On the other hand, if you have an open home youâre bound to spend time with the boyfriends, and thatâs a good thing IMO.</p>
<p>Iâm just saying that if teens bring along their boyfriends/girlfriends along on vacations and holiday plans are made so that they can spend them together, and they are constantly at each otherâs homes then the relationship becomes more like a marriage - the exact thing the OPâs daughter complained about. Dating involves boundaries - and they can be good things.</p>
<p>to the OP- I am the OP of the other post currently running about my sonâs girlfriend needing space. We all feel like we are walking on thin ice , trying to say the right thing , do the right thing etc. I completely understand that you are feeling sad. I am too. My mother has even developed along distance relationship with girlfriends mom! I think the advice that suggests this is their relationship, not ours, is very astute. Hard to do though. For me , I think that I have to remind myself that these are two great kids who need to figure this thing out for themselves,. My son may be at the receiving end this time but that is not really the point . They both need to be figuring out what is best for themselves. In a way, summer is a perfect time for this to be happening for our kids -hopefully by the time school begins the dust will have settled. Good luck to you and your daughter/</p>
<p>I am feeling really happy right now that 17yo has yet to be in a relationship. </p>
<p>But one thing Iâve always talked to both my sons about is my series of relationships. Not too much detail, but it was done with the intention of showing them that there really are plenty of fish in the sea and that, even though I felt I would marry the HS/college bf of 4.5 years, I didnât. There were three times I thought I would marry a long-time bf, but I only married one, their dad.</p>
<p>WowâŠreading all these posts makes me wondering if more couples stay together because they think their families really want them together. A girl can have any numbers of reasons for wanting to break off a relationship with her boyfriend, but it must be a hard thing to do if your parents really, really like him, and think he is a âwonderful boy.â</p>
<p>wolfpackmom, youâve brought up a valid point. Iâve never really thought about that before. Food for thought . . .</p>
<p>You also donât want to give the impression to your daughter, or son, that theyâll never find someone as âwonderfulâ as the person they have decided isnât right for them. Itâs a stinging vote of no confidence in their own wonderfulness.
I tell my daughter that I want her to be happy, and if this boy doesnât make her happy, then letting him move on is the right thing to do.</p>
<p>We went through the exact same thing a year ago. The boy had become an important part of our family and had traveled with us. We all loved him and regularly supported him and communicated our feelings to him. A year later, hindsight has shown us that we loved him more than DD did. We now describe their relationship as âapples and orangesâ - they are just simply two different people which makes neither of them less lovable - just not compatible. At first it was painful to let him go, for all of us, and we found ourselves talking about his âprosâ to our DD too much. Weâve now realized that this is her life and if she feels even the slightest bit disinterested, it is her choice and her life. As a family we âlet goâ of our ability to weigh in on her relationships and realize that it has to be completely up to her. Trust that youâve given her the tools to make the best decision for herself and that sometimes, the relationship that the family sees may not be the relationship that exists when they are alone.</p>
<p>DD is now home from college and we will be interested to see if we see her old boyfriend. I donât think we will ever stop caring about him, but we hope he finds an âorangeâ who loves him. Our DD has grown a lot from the experience and does not regret her choice to move on at all. </p>
<p>Best of luck to you, it is a hard thing for a family to go through a break-up as well. As a pp said - weâve learned the lesson not to get too close again and to take every relationship with a grain of salt and not invite boyfriends on vacation etc. We love our DD so much, itâs hard not to share in her relationships when we can - but weâve found that itâs safer not to. She has so many years of dating ahead of her. I know sheâll make the right choice for herself in the future.</p>
<p>I have a best friend that this happened to, she was my bridesmaid, dated her then bf since 17, at the age of 25, two weeks after my wedding, she sat me down and broke the news to me. It felt like a divorce, as I was as fond of him as her parents were, they were DEVASTATED. She met someone at work, waited a few months and then finally broke it off.</p>
<p>Fast forward 7 years later, my sister was in the hospital just having delivered twins, guess who was her âroommateâ. Friends ex boyfriends new wife, just had their first baby. My friends parents found out, came and gave a gift for the baby. They always hoped they would get back together.</p>
<p>âif more couples stay together because they think their families really want them together.â</p>
<p>Yes, thatâs true. As a sometime believer in arranged marriages, though, I donât necessarily view that as a disaster.</p>
<p>I think the opposite scenario is more common, though â the family wants the couple to break up. Not all families have their childâs best interests at heart, but I trust mine. Iâve gone on record that if my whole family ever agrees that a guy Iâm dating is bad news, I not only wonât marry him, Iâll break up with him. Iâm dead serious about that.</p>
<p>After reading the posts I have come to several conclusions:<br>
#1- It is interesting that so many of you assumed that this young man came on vacations with our family. HE DID NOT.
#2-It is also interesting that it was assumed that we included him in our family holidays.He actually only celebrated one Christmas Eve at another family members invitation.</p>
<p>Now for the facts restated:
#1-This young man treated our daughter with love, kindness and respect. He treated all members of our family with the kindness and respect that I would expect of any BF or GF in general.
#2- When these two would go somewhere example: skiing He would pull the car up load everything in it before he even came in the door. Yes my daughter was treated the way I hope she always will be.
#3- When the need for birth control arose. It was the boyfriend that brought the subject to light. He wanted to insure that they were âvery protectedâ He using condoms and she using birth control. Yes, I saw this as being honest, mature and responsible.
#4- He was an open book. He was as open and straight forward as any person could be at this age. (I am not a fool, I have alot of experience with kids this age)</p>
<p>So, I guess my point is that I appreciate some of the very good advise that I have received but some of the posts seem angry and rude. I love my daughter with all of my heart and I loved this young man because he loved her so much. I also think he had all of the characteristics that I would love to see in the man that my daughter marries. I also think the post from the young lady that spoke about arranged marraiges was interesting because she said that she would NOT MARRY someone if her parents disapproved. I am sure that the divorce rate would not be so high if there were more young people who realized that parents can see things that young people may not see.
I would never consider an arranged marraige to be acceptable today but I can certainly see the merits in parental advise. Who knows their children better than their own parents. We know our childrens strenghts and shortcomings so why is it so hard to accept that we may also see the type of person that they would be compatable with. I would never tell my daughter who to marry but I would certainly let her know if I saw something concerning. For those of you that will jump on this and tell me I am wrong just look at the divorce statistics. Well I just thought I would try to give a little more insight so that you can get a better idea of what I am feeling. I am feeling the loss.</p>