<p>My daughter is a college junior. She recently revealed to us that she is a lesbian. She was very angry when she told us and wouldn’t look us in the eye. We responded that we don’t care what she is as long as she is happy. Truth be told, I do hope this is just a phase and that she isn’t gay, because I know it is not an easy life road to take. She was molested as a child (5-7 years old) by a neighbor and didn’t tell us until a few years ago. Has not liked the 2 counselors we sent her to, and she really does need help. Has finally agreed to see a counselor at school, which is a blessing. I hope she follows through. She is 20 now, not much we can do to force her to go. All we can offer is our support and encouragement.
My question is , is she really gay? Is this just a college thing? She got involved with a girl that lived in another state, and the girl was going to move to her college to be with her, (this all happened lightning fast, within 3-4 weeks) my daughter went on a school trip out of the country for 2 weeks. When she came back, she told the girl not to move, that she wasn’t ready for a relationship. They still text on a regular basis, and my daughter keeps “friending” gay women on facebook. I don’t know if it is curiosity, if she is truly gay, or if it is a result of the abuse she suffered. She pushed that secret down for 11 years and it is now refusing NOT to be dealt with. She has had many boyfriends, a few serious, (she had a serious boyfriend at school last year and he dumped her and it hurt her pretty badly) since the time she was 14-15. I don’t know if it is me just hoping she isn’t gay, but I really feel that this is just another way of keeping everyone at arm’s length so she doesn’t get hurt again. She has a way of not letting anyone get too close. She is hard on people and easily annoyed, and I know it is tied to what happened to her as a child. How i wish we had known and got her the help she so desparately needs.
She has been drinking an awful lot, and she told us it is because she was unhappy hiding that she was gay. But I know even though she outed herself to us, she is still drinking heavily. If she were at peace with her sexuality, wouldn’t she calm down a bit and stop the wild partying and drinking?
Another point, and I know this sounds just awful and prejudiced, but the girls she keeps “friending” on FB are totally manly looking. I mean they do not in any way look feminine, they wear men’s clothing and have shorn hair and look as unfeminine as possible. What does this all mean? My daughter is feminine- looking. Why would she hunt down this particular type of looking woman? Isn’t that like looking for a woman that’s actually like a man? I am sorry if I offend anyone, I am reeling and so confused.
. She is also very angry with us right now, said we forced her to go into counseling when she wasn’t ready to talk and that I ask too many questions that are annoying. I have backed off completely, I let her call me now and I don’t ask anything deep.
I feel like we have lost her and we are heartbroken, especially me, we were very close before. She is such a good girl, and i hurt for her to be struggling so. Any advice would be apreciated.</p>
<p>Sounds like your daughter is really going through a lot right now. She really needs your support. I would like to suggest that you and your husband find a support group like PFLAG in your area. My brother is gay, and PFLAG was a big support to my parents when he came out. My S is also gay, but he came out in early HS and it was a surprise to no one! My best wishes are with you and your daughter.</p>
<p>I spoke with a psychologist myself because I am turned upside down, and she told me that on college campuses, this is very common. Both men and women are “experimenting” and are bi-sexual. She said it’s commonplace and rather accepted and encouraged by our youth. ? Anyone else heard this?</p>
<p>It may be a “phase” or it may be that she is a lesbian or it may be that she is bisexual. I truly believe that people’s sexuality is more fluid than static and at various points in ones life a person can find themselves attracted to one gender more than the other. I think the difference with this generation and ones past is that it is more accepted and open and talked about. I knew plenty of young women 30 years ago who slept with women occasionally, but it was very hush hush. Some of these women went on to have relationships with men, others with women, other were bisexual.
I think as a parent all you can do is love and accept her for where she is at this point in time. I also think it is great that she told you!</p>
<p>^ Excellent response that covers my thoughts as well.</p>
<p>I think if your daughter tells you she is gay, then you should accept that as the truth. Hoping/wondering that this a phase she’s going to grow out of can only get in the way of you as parents accepting her for who she is, and she probably really needs your full accpetance and support right now. This can be a scary and confusing time, so I think it’s important that she feels like she can count on and talk to her parents if no one else. No stranger on a message board can tell you definitively one way or the other yes or no to your “is this a phase” question, so I think the best person to rely on here is your own daughter. This is how she’s telling you she is identifying. You should take her at her word. </p>
<p>I think it’s good she agreed to see a counselor, as it sounds like she needs someone to talk to so she can express what she’s dealing with in healthy ways, rather than turning to unhealthy behavior. You might also encourage her to join a GLBTQ support organization on campus. Being able to meet and talk to other young people, many of whom are in her same situation of just having come out, will probably help her. And I second the recommendation that you/your husband consider going to a PFLAG meeting or similar support group. It sounds like you have a lot of normal questions, and other parents who have been there can probably help. </p>
<p>As for the kind of women she’s friending on facebook, keep in mind that they might just be friends. And be open to the fact that yes, she may be attracted to women that have a more butch appearance. Every person’s preferences are different. Some men like blondes with long hair, some men like brunettes with short hair and glasses. Some women like men with lots of muscles and beards. Some don’t. Some women like women who are more “butch” and some like women who are more “femme”. I’m sure that the most important thing in a relationship is that two people love each other and care for each other, and not their appearances.</p>
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<p>I don’t know much about this topic but recently I heard on radio (Living on Earth) that chemicals in the environment might have some thing to do with messing up sexuality. Hopefully soon scientists will find out what’s going on. In the meantime, protect our environment as much as we can.</p>
<p>[Living</a> On Earth: Endocrine Disruptors Linked To Genital Changes and Sexual Preference Green Buckeye RN](<a href=“http://greenbuckeyern.■■■■■■■■■■■■■/2011/01/11/living-on-earth-endocrine-disruptors-linked-to-genital-changes-and-sexual-preference/]Living”>Living On Earth: Endocrine Disruptors Linked To Genital Changes and Sexual Preference | Green Buckeye RN)</p>
<p>We knew our child was gay early on though he didn’t come out till high school. Our parenting philosophy was to do our best so that, at least in his home environment, being gay wasn’t “out-of-the-norm” and to try to limit any anti-gay bias to which he might be exposed, while stating our own objections to any that was unavoidable. We couldn’t shelter him entirely even if we had wanted to: we had tv, the internet, he could read.</p>
<p>IMHO it is really important any child of any age feel completely secure in their family. That should be the “safe place”</p>
<p>*My question is , is she really gay? Is this just a college thing? *</p>
<p>My daughter came out to me when she was a jr in high school.
I was surprised, because I just thought she loved her ponies best- but all her friends already knew.
It should not matter whether she is bisexual, homosexual or hetero.
It does sound like she is having a very tough time & this is who she is now.
Approaching her as if this is a “phase” to grow out of, isn’t going to be very helpful.
I suggest you get some help for yourself as well, in order to be more helpful for her.
[PFLAG:</a> Parents, Families, & Friends of Lesbians and Gays](<a href=“http://community.pflag.org/Page.aspx?pid=194&srcid=-2]PFLAG:”>http://community.pflag.org/Page.aspx?pid=194&srcid=-2)</p>
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<p>It’s not as though homosexuality is something new. There’s nothing new under the sun. Nothing.</p>
<p>From what my friends kids say experimenting with sexuality is fairly common on college campuses. I agree with Holliesue that sexuality is probably a lot more fluid that we have thought of it as. Perhaps most of us could be bi-sexual if we had grown up in a more open society, As society becomes more accepting, I think more people are realizing that they don’t need to be tied down by traditional sex roles. I don’t think you should assume this is a phase, nor do I think her experience being abused is necessarily the cause. I agree that the most useful thing you can do is to support her where she is now. Joining PFLAG is a great idea.</p>
<p>I agree that bi/homo/heterosexuality has been around since the dawn of time.</p>
<p>However, chemicals in the environment are a concern as well.
but separate issues.</p>
<p>I agree with those that say this might not be a “phase” and that human sexuality is a lot more fluid and complex than otherwise thought. Until we understand the human brain a lot more (we don’t), it is hard to say whether her sexuality has to do with being abused or not. I know of people who had very happy childhoods and were happy kids who have “come out”.</p>
<p>Your complete acceptance of her sexuality would help a LOT in the transition. </p>
<p>I don’t know much about the drinking and partying aspect…in fact I would resist saying anything because I am not trained in this or anything.</p>
<p>Were this my child, I would not be troubled by the sexual orientation issue. What would have me very concerned is evidence of self-destructive decisionmaking (drinking, impetuousness, anti-social behaviors.) Those are far more significant and potentially evidence of deeper issues that might require meaningful professional intervention.</p>
<p>I agree with UT84321…that would concern me a lot more.</p>
<p>I have a gay son, and I always knew it, but it was shocking to my husband. The support group is a great idea. Accept what she is saying as the truth. Do not try to convince yourself you are dealing with a phase. And most importantly don’t try to tell her it is a phase. My husband, for 8 years, would tell everyone that his son was bisexual and it was a phase. Maybe it took him that long to grab the word “gay” out of the air and run with it. We have come a long way since then. I know this is not easy for you, but I assure you it 100% harder for her. Love her, support her, and make sure you take care of yourself in the process. Don’t blame chemicals, the devil or the “college experience.” There is no fault here. I can name for you at least 6 kids between my young kids elementary school classes that are gay. Some kids show it young, some will always deny it and push it down, living a non-authentic life. Your daughter is being honest with you and more important, she is being honest with herself. This is the path to happiness.</p>
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<p>Polluting the environment is a problem. Homosexuality is not a problem. It is not messed up sexuality.</p>
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<p>Everyone deserves a happy healthy life on Earth. So, help whoever is in need. However, what we now eat, drink, and breathe not only affects our health but also that of generations down the road (if we are still reproducing). I just learned a new word - epigenetics.</p>
<p>My daughter also came out in her junior year. She was nervous, but my husband and I had been expecting it. We love our daughter and that’s that.</p>
<p>OP: you ask if this is a phase.</p>
<p>It might be, or it isn’t. Either way, right now your daughter identifies herself as gay. </p>
<p>Try to support and accept her as she is right now. Yes, it could change. But if you are accepting her with the perceived hope that this is temporary, it isn’t really acceptance, right?</p>