<p>Congratulations! Your daughter must have a pretty good relationship with you to come out to you. </p>
<p>It’s a little disturbing that you object to the looks of the women your daughter is friending. I’m a woman who has short hair, generally wears pants and rarely puts on makeup; nevertheless, I don’t think of myself as unfeminine. Maybe you could consider whether you might expand your notion of what is feminine. In any case, objecting to the appearance of your daughter’s friends sounds a bit superficial.</p>
<p>OP, I would suggest that the important question here isn’t whether or not your daughter is gay; it’s whether she is ready to heal from the abuse she experienced as a child. The understanding of the long-term effects of sexual abuse has grown by leaps and bounds in the past 20-30 years, and I would suggest a counselor who is trained in trauma therapy and/or PTSD. </p>
<p>For you, I would recommend reading Courage to Heal by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis, as well as Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Was Sexually Abused as a Child by Laura Davis. If you see your daughter in the descriptions provided in these books, you may be able to set aside the “is she or isn’t she” questions and help guide her to a healing path.</p>
<p>Your daughter might well be gay, or she might well be wrestling with the old issues from the sexual abuse (women as partners seen as being safer than men), or a combination of the two. I know from personal experience (same circumstances and age as your daughter) and from helping at a women’s crisis center that the abuse issues flair up from time to time, particularly at major turning points in ones life. College can be a really rough time for survivors of abuse.</p>
<p>Whichever it is, you need to support her. If she is going to remain gay, then that’s fine. If she’s experimenting, then look at it like you did in her early years when she went through other attractions (like when my daughter lived and breathed dinosaurs…). The biggest concern in my opinion, is that she be in safe relationships with people who care about her and will not exploit her vulnerabilities.</p>
<p>I’d be more worried about the excessive drinking - is she partying or drinking to avoid pain from other issues? </p>
<p>Is there a gay/straight alliance at her school? My kid is president of the one at her college and it has been very helpful for young adults trying to decide who they are.</p>
<p>“She recently revealed to us that she is a lesbian. She was very angry when she told us and wouldn’t look us in the eye. We responded that we don’t care what she is as long as she is happy. Truth be told, I do hope this is just a phase and that she isn’t gay…”</p>
<p>Maybe she is angry, in part, because she senses that you are troubled by her sexual preference.</p>
<p>It’s all of her behaviors that have me troubled, not just the coming out. But I keep asking myself, if she were at peace with it, why was she so angry when she told us, why could she not look us in the eye? She has always been honest with us and open until recently- I never know what is the truth anymore and I am devestated by it. We accept full blame for what happened to her, every parent is supposed to protect their child, and we failed miserably. Since she told us (actually, she only told me, I told my husband) about the molestation, we have stressed that it was not her fault, she was just a child, it was our job to guard her and we failed her. KKMama, she did tell us she does not trust men, and the girl she did get involved with seems to be trouble, one of her friends told me she uses meth. and my daughter who has never been a follower, was like a puppy following this girl, running to see her, taking her car out of state (unknown to us) to go be with her.
It is her anti-social tendencies and the chaos she creates to keep people at bay that has us so concerned. One of her friends from school told me today that she has been seeing a few boys, too. I really can’t help but wonder if the coming out is another way to keep people away from what is really haunting her. She has drank to the point of blackout, (someone found her in a doorway in her apartment building, passed out and took her phone and called me from it- we are 4 hours away from her school and were helpless and terrified. Thankfully, the person was able to get her to her own apartmet safely) and when we told her that is a sign of alcoholism, she became very angry with us and decided to spend the rest of her winter break away from home. She returned for Christmas day, and then left the next day on a trip to South America to hike Patagonia. We are grateful we could send her on this trip, we knew it would be 2 weeks without drinking. Plus, it meant alot of thinking and sorting of her life. Unfortunately, she returned to school directly after the trip, and we have not been able to sit down and have a meaningful talk with her. She told me I needed to back off because I ask too many questions. She also said I either do the question thing or ignore her and make her feel unloved, so I have to follow her lead now and back off a bit. I admit, ever since she told me of the abuse, I have done everything, to the point of neglecting our other daughter and my husband, to try and make up for what happened. I have smothered (her words, but it’s true) her and cleaned up after her when she has got in trouble and perhaps I should have let her handle things on her own. I love her so much and I wish I could take this burden from her. I feel that her life has been so tainted and hard because of the s.a. that I just want to make things easier for her. It doesn’t matter if she is gay, we want her to be TRULY happy. And I’m just not seeing it. I am seeing reckless behavior that has me worried for her life. It’s so hard watching her make mistakes that could have life long repercussions and not jump in and try to correct things. I think it’s what I have to do for now, though, until she asks me for help.</p>
<p>I don’t know anything about this subject matter, but I think the best thing would be to convince to stay away from people who are into drugs until she can sort things out. Meth is bad news.</p>
<p>Wow, I know this is a hard time for all of you and I sincerely hope your daughter finds herself and heals from her earlier wounds.</p>
<p>If this was my daughter, I would want her to make healthy choices and learn to love herself. Then she can get into any type of relationships as long as it is based on trust and love. I have many friends and colleagues who are gay. It is so wonderful to see 2 people in a loving relationship–it really helps put away the gay vs straight issue. I would just want my kid to be happy; to be loved and in a loving relationship, whatever that looks like.</p>
<p>My concern is that she may be on a self destructive path becuase she has not dealt with the past. Perhaps you can talk with her and get her to agree to work on dealing with the past. And you will support her healthy loving relationships that she develops-regardless of who they are with. That means no drugs, no abuse, etc.</p>
<p>I wish you and your family the best. Some of the happiest couples I know are gay. I would focus on her finding happiness. I think that will set your mind at ease.</p>
<p>Also, is there a caring professor that she likes that might be able to help guide her?</p>
<p>Outofmyleague, your pain is real and also needs healing. Have you looked into groups (online or in real life) for parents of survivors? Have you considered counseling for yourself, so you can address the guilt and pain you feel about your daughter’s abuse? You can be an ally for your daughter, but you have to take care of yourself first. Your daughter may not yet have reached the place where she wants to heal (survivors often have highly-developed coping mechanisms, and as long as they perceive that coping is “working”, they often delay in seeking help), but if you are healing yourself, she may be encouraged to work for her own healing.</p>
<p>It sounds to me like your daughter’s sexual orientation is the least of her problems. Add to that the childhood abuse, pressures of college, drinking and friends with drug problems and oh my! No wonder she was in a bad mood when she told you she was a lesbian. She might have convinced herself that you would be hostile acting toward her, and that’s why she was afraid to look you in the eye. It took a lot of bravery for her to tell you that she is gay, and it is probably one of the most difficult things she has ever done in her life.</p>
<p>Go out of your way to let her know that you love her no matter what. Send her a nice Valentine gift. Call her to tell her about amusing things going on at home. Make sure she knows that “there’s no place like home”, and that she is always welcome. Once she knows that you will always be there for her, she will always be there for you.</p>
<p>Her school is nationally known as a party school. They do have a department of drug and alcohol awareness, so I contacted the administrator there and told her of my daughter’s drinking and the sexual abuse. She recommended a therapist there, and I gave her a call. I feel really good about this woman, she leads adventure groups like the trips my daughter has gone on, so they have that in common. My daughter has said she has been to see her twice now, but I have no idea of knowing if she is telling me the truth. Mezzomom, i do worry that she is not ready to heal. Her body is refusing to allow her to push it down any more, though, and it’s all bubbling up like a volcano. Part of me also worries that if she doesn’t address this, she will become hard and a drug/alcohol addict and use the abuse as an excuse for poor behavior. It simply has to be dealt with but I cannot force her to do what she doesn’t want to. We forced her to go to counseling twice before, but she was 17 then and was not ready to talk. I am seeing a psychologist now, but more for my own issues of panic and other things. Perhaps I should talk more in depth with her about my daughter and what happened. No matter, guilt, shame, pain- I must take responsibility because I wasn’t watchful enough, there is no gray there. I had a job to do and I failed and she pays the consequences every single day.</p>
<p>Outofmyleague, I have no academic qualifications for this, so I’m just speaking as a mom. It sounds a bit like your daughter may have hit an emergency stage where her past coping skills aren’t working. There can be a whole lot of flailing that goes on (e.g. excessive drinking) and sometimes a survivor really has to hit bottom before they seek help. But sometimes, if they see healthful, purposeful behavior in someone else, it can inspire them to take the first step. That’s why I asked about your own healing…if your daughter knows and sees that you are seeking help, it could help her reach a decision.</p>
<p>Please know that the healing path is long and very, very difficult. But healing can and does happen.</p>
<p>I sure hope so. When we sat down with her and told her we really wanted her to get some therapy, she shouted at me, “Well you need help, too, Mom!” I agreed, she was right. She called me last week as I was heading into the therapist’s office, and I told her I was keeping my part of the bargain, so I hope it hit home.
She really is a great girl. She works hard and plays hard. She does all kinds of things that i never had the courage to do like surfing, snowboarding, hiking thru Patagonia and Moab. I just want to see her healthy and happy.</p>
<p>I could imagine that a young woman might be angry if she came out to her parents and they told her that she could benefit from therapy. Granted, there are other issues here than whether or not she is gay, but as other posters have noted, I am sure that it would be best to accept your daughter as whatever she says she is. Hopefully it is possible to separate the issue of therapy for past abuse, versus being gay.</p>
<p>I do know that there is indeed a lot of sexuality and gender experimentation in some colleges today. My recent college grad uses an expression that I have now heard many times: “I don’t subscribe to binary gender norms”, i.e. I don’t want to be typecast as a man or a woman, with all of the assumptions that are tied to those descriptions. Another thing I have heard several times, following the previous statement is, "I prefer to be referred to by the pronoun ‘they’ ". Whenever I refer to one of his friends as ‘he’ or ‘she’, “they” patiently explain to me that the preferred pronoun is ‘they’. </p>
<p>I point this out, because my child has come out as, “queer”, but when I asked what that meant, ‘they’ told me that it meant that they were bisexual. They are in a relationship with another person, who is also a ‘they’, but certainly has a female body shape. All of this is new to me, and I too am wondering if this is a phase or not, but we (and by that I mean my wife and I) are just accepting things as they are, and are just going to wait to see how it all evolves.</p>
<p>My daughter is in college now, and she reports that a significant number of students state that they don’t subscribe to binary gender norms, and want to be referred to as ‘they’. She said that most students are very respectful of those choices. </p>
<p>I guess that us 'boomers are faced with a generation gap that may or may not be so easy to surmount. I for one, am trying, with mixed success.</p>
<p>Don’t worry, ALF, it’s not just baby boomers. I graduated only a couple of years ago from a college that granted, is perhaps a bit more progressive than others when it comes to gender and sexuality, which I knew going in, but I sure had a lot of learning to do when I got there. Before I went to Smith I knew only about straight and gay. I had to learn a lot about transgender, queer, gender neutral, asexual and many other categories that I either couldn’t define before or hadn’t thought about deeply. It can definitely be a little confusing (maybe more than a little) at first, but if you proceed from the basis that people are people and equally deserving of respect whatever their identity, you’d be surprised about the strides you can make to bridge any gap. It’s great that you’re supportive and trying!</p>
<p>You need to be very clear on what are your issues, and what are your daughter’s issues. If your daughter sees you expressing too much guilt about the past, then she may interpret that as it being all about you and not about her. There are issues that you need to deal with on your own with your therapist, and probably talk about less with your daughter (ask your therapist about that). It sounds like, from one of your earlier posts, that you have what let happened to her control most of your parenting with her… That may even be why she seemed so angry about telling you that she’s gay; wondering if that will become the new focal point of your relationship. It’s natural to let the abuse become so central, but not really healthy.
(totally off subject, but thank God you cared. When I told my mother, when I was in my 30’s and my abuser was back in the area, near my young nieces, her only question was whether or not he had abused my sisters; she still maintains a close relationship with him)
If she is drinking to the point of blackouts, can you speak with the school staff about doing an intervention? Her partner seems to be very dangerous, especially if she introduces your daughter to drugs. If she agrees to enter treatment will they hold her place for her for next semester?</p>
<p>Oh my! I would never tell my daughter that she needed therapy because she told us she is gay. We were discussing therapy with her because of her excessive drinking/partying/hard living and the underlying issue which is the sexual molestation she was a victim of.
Alf, it’s a whole new world and I’m going to do my best to live in peace with it.
And KKMama, you are right, I stopped being her mother and became advocate/protector/negiotator instead.I went head over heels buying her things, doing things for her I should have let he do herself. I wanted to make everything right, right now and I did smother her. In fact, when we were arguing over her winter break, I told her I needed to become her mother again and yell at her if it were neccessary and she needed to yell at me, too. I have become so protective of her that we all walk on eggshells so that we don’t upset her.</p>
<p>And yes, she is drinking to blackout stage sometimes. She is no longer with the partner that used meth. She said also smokes weed occasionally. I know she has done “X” but I don’t know if there have been any other drugs being used. I am sorry about your mother and her response. She dismissed you- for whatever reason, she hurt you even more and that sucks.
The boy (he was 15-16 at the time) that did this still lives in our city. We moved away (thank god) during the abuse, but I know coming home is hard for her knowing she might run into him at the gas station or a restaurant here in town. When we found out, we put the house up for sale, but it didn’t sell. I could NEVER be friends with him or anyone else in his family. We haven’t confronted him because that is my daughter’s call- if and when she is ready, boy howdy, everyone in this town will know what he is.</p>