Daughter coming "out" and other issues?

applicannot · February 2, 2011, 7:38pm

I worry about the OP’s comments on her daughters sexuality. The daughter is going through so many problems right now that homophobia or homo-reluctance is definitely not a good thing. As a member of the queer community, a queer-identified person, and a student of queer theory, I’ll say this:

I truly hope and want to believe that you do not have problems with sexuality, but sometimes we tend to rationalize for ourselves. No one really wishes that their child is not gay because it is a difficult road to take; for example, black parents do not stop having black children or actively hope their children will stop being black because being black in American can be difficult. So while I believe you are well-meaning, I do believe you would benefit from groups like PFLAG.

If your daughter was ready to come out to you, then she has at least done some serious questioning. She might be bi- or pansexual, or she might at least not conform to the “straight” label. Many people have fluid sexualities - sexuality is a spectrum, not a series of labels and certainly not a binary with straight on one side and gay on the other. Your daughter might label herself as a lesbian or whatever else she chooses, but that doesn’t mean it’s okay to illegitamize her feelings or her sexual preferences - no matter how much they may change - as a trivial “college” thing. Exploring sexual identity can be really difficult for young adults, so trivializing them is not a positive response.

Maybe your daughter has gay friends - that is not a crime. I recognize that you are just worried, especially with all of the other issues your daughter is struggling with, but I’m hoping to introduce that you may have some antiquated and problematic views of homosexuality. Homosexuality is not the “result” of something - your daughter’s abuse is terrible, but highly unlikely to be an underlying cause for whatever sexuality your daughter ultimately feels comfortable with.

Coming out is a process, NOT A MOMENT. Coming out means more than just telling someone, it means coming to terms, looking back on life, exploring, etc. No single act of talking can “cure” anyone’s problems - not even their sexual identity crises. Your daughter has a lot of issues to handle; don’t trivialize her sexuality because of those.

I don’t think you’re being offensive, but you are the unfortunate victim of heteronormativity (looking at the world through the scope of a heterosexual identity, culture, and bias). First of all - and I recognize this is queer theory here - but there is really no need to buy into the idea that women should “dress” or “appear” a certain way. That is, there is nothing inherently wrong or different about women who dress the way you characterize as manly (what does it mean to “look feminine?” why are those traits considered “feminine?” what are you stereotype non-feminine presenting women as?). If you’re not ready for that step (rejecting gender binaries), which most people aren’t, acknowledge that maybe these women are just cool people. Looking for a woman who dresses a certain way is not like “looking for a woman that’s actually like a man.” If you think about it, that doesn’t make any sense. What the media, and what a lot of people do, is try to characterize non-heterosexual relationships or desires in a heterosexual frame - a “feminine” presenting partner and a “masculine” presenting partner. It’s interesting to note that men who prefer women with short hair cuts are not accused of looking for “manly women” or “other men,” and that women who prefer men with long hair cuts are not accused of looking for other women.

UVaHoo87 · February 2, 2011, 7:51pm

"I think you are the unfortunate victime of heteronormativity (looking at the world through the scope of a heterosexual identity, culture, and bias). "

Applicannot. Oh, please. This is the mother trying to come to terms with her daughter’s issues. You are a young person (Class of 2014) who has absolutely no clue what it means to be a parent of a teenager. Spare us your judgment calls, your all-knowing “I’m young and so open minded and this parent’s obviously a homophobe” diatribe because I’m not sure it’s very helpful to a parent trying to come to terms to something she may never have dealt with before.

OP has said multiple times she’s more worried about her daughter’s coping skills and self-medication. Nothing she’s said has been homophobic; she’s concerned for her daughter. Try helping instead of being the encyclopedia of all things gay.

mafool · February 2, 2011, 8:58pm

thank you Uva.
Applicannot, you are very welcome here. However, please try very hard to understand that this is where parents come to share concerns, ask for help (help in understanding, help in processing, help in many areas) and to support each other. Preaching doesn’t do any of us any good.

applicannot · February 2, 2011, 9:41pm

It’s interesting that I said nothing inflammatory (and never did I mention that I thought the OP is a homophobe), just the mere idea that the parent might be misinformed is enough to warrant that kind of response. I think that in and of itself speaks volumes about that state of queer sexuality in American culture. Just talking about queer theory and queer sexuality in every day life labels me as being on a diatribe. You don’t have to be a parent to recognize flawed thinking and try to calmly open the mind to other avenues.

Pizzagirl · February 2, 2011, 9:52pm

Queer theory isn’t what the OP needs, since her daughter has to contend with larger and more urgent issues. It doesn’t matter if the daughter is gay. It does matter if she is drinking to excess, depressed, etc.

cptofthehouse · February 2, 2011, 9:52pm

A lot of very good advice on this thread. The young lady seems to me to have a lot of issues where she needs help. The “coming out” is not one of them unless SHE has some problems with it, which she may have. I think the OP is approaching things as well as it can be handled. The only suggestion I have is for the OP to seek counseling herself, if at all possible. It is always traumatic to a parent when one’s child is unhappy and/or troubled. It’s good to have someone unbiased, experienced in these matters to talk about these things.

I also agree that the sexuality can be a fluid thing and there is no way to tell where anyone will go with that. I have known people who came out in college as gay, and have since chosen to be heterosexual in orientation. Also the other way around.

I wish the OP and the daughter well. It’s a tough go becoming an adult and these years are fraught with all kinds of issues.

jambaby · February 2, 2011, 10:06pm

Thank you to UVa, mafool, and Pizzagirl.

Pearl · February 2, 2011, 10:10pm

There is nothing worse that coming out to someone and having that person question whether or not it is “for real”.

So, first - let her know that you believe her 100%. She has said she is a lesbian, so she is.

Why she is a lesbian is something you could debate with yourself, her and others for years to come, but it only matters what she thinks.

As far as the abuse, all I can say is that I have heard that abuse doesn’t make us gay or straight.

Abuse might make it harder to trust one sex or another. It sounds like your daughter, however, has dated men and she probably ought to know by now who she attracted to and who she isn’t. And which sex makes her feel “head over heals” and which doesn’t. Sometimes we focus too much on the “sex” part of being gay, when really it’s more about who a person falls in love with.

I’m sorry that your daughter is having such a hard time right now. A friend who might be into meth…drinking to the point of passing out in a hallway…taking risks…being angry…these are all things that are really much more concerning (as others have said).

She would benefit from counseling. You would benefit from counseling (to talk though your own feelings). But the best thing you can do for her is to let her know that you love her and you accept her and accept what she has told you about being gay. Ask her if she has reached out to campus support groups for gay students - suggest that it might be helpful for her. Encourage her to find supportive friends who build her up and encourage her to be her best - to help her with her studies and career goals and who will accept her as a lesbian.

As far as her facebook friends - when a person feels isolated and alone as a gay person, they will seek out anyone who they feel is also gay. She may or may not be attracted to “butch” women…it could be that she just wants to feel accepted and part of a community and that it doesn’t matter to her what they look like. Just encourage her to seek out positive friends who are going somewhere with their lives. and stay away from the losers (ie., those who are doing meth ).

I hope this helps. In 20 years she might be with a female partner or she might be with a man, but for now, take her at her word and make sure that she knows that you have heard her: she is a lesbian . And that you love her: she is your daughter.

Cardinal_Fang · February 3, 2011, 12:47am

I’m going to defend applicannot here. The OP’s daughter was sexually abused as a young girl. The young woman is drinking to the point of blackout, and hanging out with a meth user.

And the OP starts a thread about her daughter coming out as a lesbian? A thread entitled “Daughter coming out”? Applicannot is not the only one wondering why the OP is starts talking about her daughter’s sexuality, and not the serious issues she is dealing with.

The daughter is friending women with short hair, and hanging out with a woman who is a meth user. Which of these is a problem and which is not? The daughter has come out as a lesbian, and is drinking to excess. Which of these is a problem, and which not? The daughter was sexually molested as a girl, and “maybe she isn’t a lesbian”. Which of these is a problem, and which not?

It seems like there’s a whole lot too much worrying about a young woman’s orientation here.

missemily516 · February 3, 2011, 1:02am

I found applicannot’s post to be very informative, thoughtful, and extremely mature. I also believe that the OP is confusing her concerns about her daughter being a lesbian with the issues of the dangerous behavior that her daughter is exhibiting.

Outofmyleague, you have my deepest sympathy for the difficulty you are experiencing right now. I hope your daughter gets some help.

Wuchu · February 3, 2011, 1:37am

i agree with applicannot pretty much entirely too. and he is actually knowledgeable on this subject as a student of queer theory (just wiki’ed that =]).

i feel like parents are pre-judging him based on the fact that is he young, fallaciously assuming he cannot understand anything that he has not personally experienced (he has most likely experienced what the OP is going through vicariously and studied this aspect among others as a student of queer theory).

i do not think he was being too didactic, and even if he were, he is the person who has studied this, right?

GTalum · February 3, 2011, 6:00am

What an informative post applicannot. I completely agree with Cardinal Fang. But, I understand that the OP is in the process of coming to terms with her D’s sexual orientation and understand why she is “reeling” at this time. Certainly she needs support AND information.

Pizzagirl · February 3, 2011, 7:52am

Agree, cfang – some of these are problems and some of these aren’t. Which is why lectures on queer theory and fluid sexuality aren’t what OP needs to focus on right now, because focusing on that “issue” (not to say that being gay is an issue) is a distraction to dealing with far bigger, real issues such as drinking / drug use.

parent56 · February 3, 2011, 8:18am

i think applicannot’s post was excellent and addressed the initial feeling i got from the original post (just like cardinal fang) …do you really think my daughter is gay? maybe the “gayness” is why she is doing these things, or maybe there are other reasons for why she is gay…like the sexual abuse" i think applicannot was extremely helpful in her post. The OP was asking multiple questions and the D has multiple problems. Applicannot is wise beyond her years

Pizzagirl · February 3, 2011, 9:05am

But where the OP needs to focus isn’t reexamining her own feelings towards heteronormativity and whether girls should have short hair or not. She needs to focus on getting her D the appropriate help for non-gay-related topics that are detrimental to the D’s physical and emotional – drinking, drug use, poor self-care, etc. A discussion about butch vs femme looking girls may be an interesting discussion, but ultimately it’s a diversion. OP – if you’re still reading – stop worrying about that piece of the equation, and worry about the serious stuff.

parent56 · February 3, 2011, 9:15am

i totally agree pizzagirl as to where she NEEDS to focus but it didnt appear to me that that was where her focus was …it appeared to me that PERHAPS she saw the problem as being gay as the culprit, until she gets past that, i dont think she can address the other problems fully jmho

outofmyleague · February 3, 2011, 9:32am

I never questioned my daughter as to whether her feelings are real or not. I stated that we have told her that we don’t care what she is as long as she is happy.
Yes, I/we have many issues going on here. The s.a. is our first (although sadly, not hers) priority to deal with. Along with that issue comes the drinking and drug use.
I did go about this all wrong, labeling the thread “daughter coming out” I found this forum by typing something similar to that and googling it. I thought this might be the place to pose the question. I thank everyone for their input.
Honestly, we had no inkling, no clues were ever given that she was a lesbian. Yes, I am reeling from it. I readily admit that. Does she know this? The answer is no. My husband and I have dealt with this privately. We would never let her know that it came as a complete surprise.
We DO have many issues going on here. I guess I was completely taken aback when not one but 2 psychologists told me this is commonplace at colleges now. This knowledge and her previous behaviors made me question it. As far as her friending people on facebook, I am concerned because these are not women she knows. I would just as concerned if she was friending men she didn’t know on facebook. It can be dangerous- her hometown, school and mobile number are listed.

When she told us that she is gay, I believe we handled it with grace. I think our response was supportive and loving. Trust me, I’m not more worried about her sexual orientation than I am anything else, but yes, I am worried because she is engaging in dangerous behavior within the community she now is a part of, and she certainly is not happy. I am not trying to being anything other than supportive to her and it’s hard watching her life careening out of control. I am afraid for her life so yes, damnit, I am questioning everything, every aspect of her behavior.
I want her healthy and happy. I want her back. I want her to be ALIVE. If that makes me confused, distracted, with antiquated views, so be it.
Sorry if I sound defensive. There is so much that goes on with survivors of sexual abuse and their families. 
But right now its hell and I’m having a hard time looking to that brighter day.

parent56 · February 3, 2011, 9:38am

thoughts are with you oofml… must be difficult for you, your family and your D…you can be whatever you want to be or need to be to deal with the situation and your feelings …and i hope only the best for you and your d!

eaglemom10 · February 3, 2011, 9:51am

My thoughts are also with OOFML. It might not be politically correct to hope her daughter is not a lesbian, but its honest.

Many of us want to see our children reproduce. We like them and we don’t like the idea of their genes being lost from the gene pool. I hope really smart talented people will continue to set up stable functional and loving homes and reproduce. Seems like a heterosexual lifestyle is an obvious, easier way to arrive at this goal, but its not the only way.

Also, I think any parent of a sexually abused child is going to harbor guilt about not having protected their child whether there was anything that could have been done or not.

((HUGS)) to the OP and prayers for you (makes me feel like I am doing something).

mathmom · February 3, 2011, 10:04am

I think it’s fine for the OP to get a dose of queer theory, but it became clear from subsequent posts that the daughter has bigger problems and it’s also clear that the OP realizes that. Sometimes we parents need a little time to get used to an idea.:)

Applicannot I thought your post was fine.

Daughter coming "out" and other issues?

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