I’m not a prude, I actually wear shorts, tank tops and sun dresses year round but when I see girls out in public in booty (not running) shorts and a crop top/bra shirt I just smh! I’ve also seen girls out and about with super short denim shorts with rips and holes in the butt cheek area! Wth is that about?!? I think, if she was my kid there’s no way I’d let her out like that!!
For women to say to men “just look away” from the young half naked girl in the mall is basically saying “go against your nature”. It’s a well known fact that men are visual people. I myself have had to look away from seeing young girls at the mall wearing their scanty clothing! @MIMomma I don’t have daughters but I feel for you and hope that it’s a phase your D is going through.
But take a step or two back and ask yourself why exactly it bothers you? Because you have been taught that it should? Is there a real rational reason WHY it is that bothersome? How is it hurting anyone? Why is it ok at the beach but not in other public venues? What makes one setting okay and not the other besides conditioning and societal expectations established a long, long time ago?
Well, old European men may be relaxed but sure we notice and look too.
And if slut-shaming is wrong, why isn’t old man shaming wrong? Is it only OK if young (and handsome) men look at “female body parts”? Are old men somehow supposed to sense that partially dressed people are approaching and avert our eyes just in time?
Ok, but. “Go against your nature?” Dang skippy. If your nature is to salivate or assume she’s free for the taking and advertising such, then yes, one has a problem. A 20th century problem. I was responding to one particular poster, who “absolutely hates” these gals. I don’t like the extreme either. I walk away. I may shake my head or wonder what their mommas were thinking. In some settings, I may do my own silent tsk tsk. But I can step away from it.
I don’t think OP mentioned exposed butt cheeks.
I advise my girls what’s appropriate. I don’t get the hebegebes over some stranger at the mall. I think this thread is about our own daughters.
@sorghum That’s why they invented sunglasses. No, men of any age shouldn’t be obvious gawkers. I only highlighted older men because the poster I quoted in the comment you referenced specifically mentioned “older men”:
"“I also feel really uncomfortable when I see much older men staring at their body parts.”
Most socially aware adults know how to not gawk and stare. It’s a useful skill in many circumstances other than the one being discussed here.
During adolescence when D started choosing her own clothes we talked a lot about presentation and what is acceptable (both in my home and in certain circumstances). I’m happy to say she makes good choices according to the situation. She has a creative side that often comes out in her dressing, sometimes odd, sometimes very cute, never too revealing. Of course she wears strapless shirts and short skirts, but appropriately and all is covered.
FWIW, I absolutely abhor seeing dirty, grey bra straps. It screams “skank”. They make bralettes now (D just got a few half price at Sears) that are very cute…lacy straps and razor backs apparently made specifically for those shirts that reveal portions of your bra.
I totally disagree that you should not say anything about daughter’s inappropriate dress. They may have their own money and a good chunk of independence at 20, but they still need their mom’s guidance. If nobody teaches and reteaches youth what is right or wrong, they won’t learn. Sometimes people are trying something out to see how if feels and what kind of reaction they get. Its important to share with her how you view her scantily clad clothing. It’s easy to say women aren’t judged by their clothing but we all are (men too). I remind my kids all the time you get back what you put out there. That includes attitude, effort and yes dress. A 20 year old is an adult who still needs her mother’s remediation. Of course you have to do it in the right way but I’m sure you’ve got that.
My D dresses scantily. She’s 19, in shape, and the clothes look good on her. Sometimes I cringe when I see what she’s wearing but she dresses appropriately for work and she’s doing well in school so I keep my mouth shut.
One of the reasons that I don’t say anything is because I remember what I was wearing at that age - or should I say what I was not wearing. I went through a stretch for a couple years where I never wore a bra at all. Come on, I can’t be the only one hear who took the “burn your bra” thing to heart. Yep, I didn’t wear one ever. Didn’t even own one. I turned out ok.
How so? Lots of people dress conservatively and lie, steal, cheat, etc.
I assume you are referring to sexuality/being sexually active. That’s not necessarily tied to clothing choices nor is it necessarily tied to “character”.
Not sure how a bralette differs from a bra to be honest. Straps are straps. I always figured people didn’t realize their bra straps were showing or didn’t have the right undergarment for the top or dress lol. I am of the school of wear what you want but be aware that people will make a mental judgements when they see you so the first impression you put forth is entirely up to you.
@doschicos I agree that this is societally conditioned to a great extent.
I nursed babies for years on trains in Asian cities and never got a look beyond, “How cute!” I wasn’t given a second glance in public bath houses.
But things like bra straps or cleavage would be would be taken very differently in a different context.
My European H and his family might not question topless people sunning themselves in the side of a river, but my in-laws would thought very differently of women wearing tight or revealing clothing in town.
In fact, my H had to take my MIL to doctor appointments and she would get upset and give him a hard time if he wore shorts despite high temperatures and lack of air-condoning.
The way you dress shows how much you value appearance, it does not show character. Some people care a lot about appearance and think it really means something. Others don’t. I live in a town where many there is a subculture of people who dress to the nines for everything. Are they better people than those who are wearing jeans and t-shirts or skimpy tops and short shorts. No way.
I hated that schools always have a long list of dress codes for girls but not much for boys. I let my D dress however she pleased. It’s oxymoron to teach them to think for themselves and insist that they focus on what others may think when it comes to clothing. All it does is implying that they are a sexual object.
I think most kids get that how they dress with their friends is different than what they wear to go see grandparents or what they wear at work or to a wedding or if they are going somewhere with their parents etc. It goes along with learning table manners and other social clues that they learn growing up. I never got push back from any of the boys if I asked them to change a shirt etc. I think they appreciate now as adults knowing what to wear when but I do think it is harder for young women. #3s GF did ask me what to wear to a party my son was taking her to in our town. I was very happy to let her know.
OP you mention that your D buys most of her clothes on her own. Have you considered offering to take her on a shopping trip for some new things - and then nicely encouraging a few things that aren’t so revealing? Maybe trying on some different things with you - rather than her friends - will allow her to see that she can look good and attractive in a little more fabric - and have the bonus that mom is going to spring for a couple of outfits.
Now you do open yourself to “what clothes that you pick am I willing to pay for” discussion, but …
No, men of any age shouldn’t be obvious gawkers. I only highlighted older men because the poster I quoted in the comment you referenced specifically mentioned “older men”: