<p>Hoping to get some advice. My daughters longterm boyfriend just broke up with her after 5 years. They are both 21. They have been dating long distance since college. 3 hours away from each other. The problem is 2 fold. My dd is devastated as she did not know this was coming and he was her best friend. The other problem is that I loved him like a son. It is almost like there is a death in the family. My dd knows we support her love her and always will. She is away at college and has never been one to open up to us. She would just confide in him. I cry a lot. He was/is the nicest young man. He is very angry with her and vice versatile. I think they not acting very mature right now. The reason for break up I think is that he wanted to make sure she was the right girl for him. Now I know a week before the breakup he/ she talking engagement rings. This is so bizare. Also broke up over text cause couldn’t face her. sorry for the long post.</p>
<p>My experience with my college boyfriend was that when you start talking about engagement rings, suddenly things become much more tense… that’s when the “can I really live with THIS /forever/?” sets in. The boyfriend I went through that with and I got into a huge (and ridiculous) argument over buying versus leasing cars right around then-- every little thing was suddenly a much bigger deal and we fought a lot more than usual all of the sudden over stupid things. That process eventually led to us realizing we weren’t right for each other. It could be any number of things, but I’m not surprised this boy started having doubts if they were just talking engagement rings not that long ago… maybe he realized he wasn’t ready after all. They’re very young. I did the same thing, with my boyfriend of four years. Two months after we broke up I met someone infinitely better for me and now six months later all is right in the world.</p>
<p>Funny timing as I just got a text that my niece broke up with her first bf (his decision). Naturally she is upset. I texted her back that at her age (20) she should be dating lots of people (one at a time) and figuring out what she wants/doesn’t want in a long term mate. Her bf is graduating college soon and she is a few years younger.
See the thread on late bloomers and you will find lots of parents whose kids have never or rarely dated. I have one 23 who is in a fairly serious post college (for both of them) relationship and an almost 21 year old who has only been on a handful of dates and never had a bf.
The main lament on that thread is that our kids aren’t using the time now to date different people and learn both about themselves and others.
I broke up with a longterm bf (four years) when I was in college. My mother took it harder than I did I think and for years even after I married would mention him. Do yourself and your D a favor and don’t do that. He has his own life, his own family, etc.</p>
<p>This sounds like a very similar situation with my daughter and her boyfriend years ago. I too loved her boyfriend almost like one of my own. My advice is to be there for your daughter and listen. Do not get involved and lose his phone number and e-mail address if he tries to contact you. If you have had a close relationship with him he may try to contact you if your daughter is not responding to his calls, so again my advice would be to just block out his number. If the two are meant to be together they will find there way back after some time has passed. </p>
<p>My daughter and her boyfriend did get back together after about a year of being apart…it was a disaster. He hurt her terribly and she headed into a downward spiral after that break up which he initiated the second time around. My daughter only got back together with him once she felt that she was ready for a commitment. What she didn’t know at the time was that he had grown up and had seen many other young woman during their time apart. In fact he lived with several woman in an off campus house. When they got back together he was still living with those woman and it became clear to my daughter that he was involved with one of his housemates. My daughter became horrified when there were pictures up on FB of them all at a lake house skinny dipping. The pictures were not inappropriate but the comments made by posters clearly made it obvious as to what was going on. Than sometime during or right after their winter break he told her he was going away with all of these same people to celebrate his and a couple others graduation. The girl in question was not graduating but she too was going. My daughter was not 21 at the time and this was not a place that she was able to go to. The relationship ended when she asked him why he chose this particular place to celebrate. The bottom line was she called him out on the lake house thing and the trip and it ended. He never called her again and they never spoke again. He came back home after graduation and they have never seen each other since. This was a 4 or 5 year relationship. It happens and I am glad it happened when it did because these two were not meant to be together and that became clear. So my advice is that you need to just stay clear out of it and let them figure it out. Encourage your daughter to keep up with her work and do the best she can to finish school out strong. This will pass if you don’t dwell on it and bring it up. I would also encourage you to tell your daughter to block him from her FB and cell phone. These relationships tend to have a long period of killing themselves off before they finally make the permanent break or get back together. In the meantime she has to focus on the most important person of the two, which is her. They do get over these things but they get over them easier when they are not dwelled upon by others.</p>
<p>I would say, despite how sad you feel personally (and I understand this), try to put your daughter first right now. This must be very hard for her. You say she’s not the type to open up/share. Don’t force the subject, but let her know that you’re there if she needs to talk. Bite your tongue and don’t ask those “how could this happen???!!!” questions that are understandably on your mind. </p>
<p>What about sending her something special. Is there a salon or spa anywhere near school? A massage or pedicure can feel great when you’re down. Or, if she’s not that type, a sunggie and a tin if Godiva hot cocoa. I would include a card that reminds her how special she is to you and let’s get know that you’re there for her if she needs to talk. </p>
<p>Hope that helps. Break ups hurt. But we grow from them.</p>
<p>Thanks for all of your replies. As so many of you said I have told her we support her and are here when she needs us. I don’t bring it up at all. Your comments are very helpful. Thx.</p>
<p>Seems like Will and Kate had a similar break up after they had been a couple for a number of years, right at the time when the question of getting married came up. She went off and had a good time–didn’t pine for him–and he wised up and asked her to marry him. </p>
<p>Not saying that there will be a royal wedding in your house, but I’d lay off bad mouthing him, just in case the kids get back together…</p>
<p>OP,
Oh, I feel the pain. This happened with my younger S last year and his GF of three+ years. I felt like I lost a daughter. It has been a tough time for S. Not sure I have any advice except to be there and listen. If she seems to be getting more depressed, a few visits with a therapist might be productive.</p>
<p>OP: A similar thing happened with my D and her long-term, long-distance BF just this past fall. They had been dating for 3.5 years, much of it long-distance, and it was the first really serious relationship for both of them. Like your D, my D and her BF had talked of engagement, marriage, the whole thing, but in the end I think it was just the distance (and the dread of more long-distance-romance yet to come) that did them in. </p>
<p>The break-up was actually pretty civilized - they still speak, they’re still friends, but both are dating other people now. It probably helped that the two of them were very good friends before they ever started dating, and somehow they are trying to keep the friendship going. Who’s to say that they won’t some day get together again, because they are still friendly and they are so much alike.</p>
<p>I know how you feel. I was surprised at how sad I was when they broke up. I do/did really like the BF, but I like the new BF too. I try to look on the positive side: it’s good for D to date other guys, and if the first relationship is meant to be, maybe it will work out in the future. During the break-up it was my job to be the sympathetic ear, the voice of reason, and the supportive mom; I worked hard to keep my own sadness out of any conversation - that was MY burden, not hers.</p>
<p>It was hard for everyone, though. Good luck to you!</p>
<p>A similar thing happened to me last year. My fiance and I of 5 years broke up kind of unexpectedly (although I later realized that it wasn’t nearly as unexpected as I initially imagined) when I was 20 and he was 22. We were engaged, but he got scared out of his wits that he was going to be with only one girl his entire life (from 16 on). His family LOVED me and they were devastated when we ended. His sister still talks to me and we’re still close. I was upset for a bit, but quickly got over it when I realized that we just weren’t right for each other. I started dating a new guy very quickly and we’re damn near perfect for each other. My ex realized about a month later that he made a huge mistake, but luckily by that time it was too late. </p>
<p>I would just encourage your daughter to be around friends and such. After being with someone for that long, it’s hard to be on your own and I think she just needs to rediscover what it’s like to be independent. She’ll get through it and find someone better for her :).</p>
<p>I don’t think most people are ready to choose a mate for life at 16. They fall into a steady relationship that becomes comfortable and even a crutch. I know it’s painful - my D fell into a depression after being broken up with by a 2 years older boy she was in love with - but your daughter at 21 has the whole of life in front of her.</p>
<p>Not saying your daughter’s ex isn’t a great guy but it is actually pretty typical that a long-term relationship will end once wedding bells begin faintly tolling in the background. People start taking a serious look at the direction their lives are going and ask themselves, is this right for me.</p>
<p>Even though I hoped DS1 wouldn’t have a steady gf in college I was still really sad when he broke up with his HS gf.</p>
<p>But…I don’t know anyone who wishes they had dated LESS before they chose a mate.</p>
<p>Speaking from experience,(D has had 4 breakups and counting) there is so much that you don’t (and shouldn’t) know about what’s going on here. Take a deep breadth and step away.
And just curious…what does “vice versatile” mean? (hoping its just a funny typo!)</p>
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<p>When DD was in college he broke up with GF of several years, she was his hometown GF and they both went to the same University, she was older so she was back home. His parents adored her so much that when he was still in school, she moved into his bedroom. It is now over 30 years later and she is still referred to as their daughter. We spent our married years with her & her DH & kids joining us on extended family trips, basically he could not get away from her. He broke up with her because he did not want to spend the rest of his life with her!</p>
<p>She is perfectly nice and she makes them happy. There was never any weird jealousy energy, just 30+ years of annoyance that she is always there and always a part of things. However, now that they are quite senior, she and I speak often as she lives closer to the in laws than I do, so we share info and keep tabs on their situation.</p>
<p>Don’t keep the ex too close, just don’t do it. DH still resents it, but has long known there was absolutely no way to share those feelings without looking like an immature bad guy.</p>
<p>Regarding the break up, one of the most difficult things is not the big picture, what will my life be without him, but the day to day time without him. So many minutes each day were filled with BF- talking, texting, emailing, etc. She filled her day with interactions and or thinking about him.</p>
<p>Now she has to try all sorts of different things to fill those minutes. If she can focus on half a dozen things to fill her minutes that would be helpful. Rather than moping around thinking about the past.</p>
<p>Musiicamusica yes that was a typo. Sorry. Thanks again for all of the replies. this is such a Great board. I have stepped away she know nothing of this. I am feeling much better after all of you advice. Thx all.</p>
<p>My D is well into her twenties. But when she broke up with Mr. Perfect after senior year in HS. I cried , really cried. I was surprised by my own reaction!</p>
<p>You probably miss him because he was a worthwhile person. Otherwise your D wouldn’t have spent the time she did with him. But together they seem to have figured out they’re not meant to be lifelong partners. At the deepest level, people usually just Know and eventually act upon their instincts to decide. That can mean hurt, but no harm. </p>
<p>Maybe you’re grieving the loss of the sweet image – your D with someone so nice forever – more so than losing this fellow in particular. You can trust that they’ll both be sad but both will eventually move on. So you can wish him well in your heart and then just let it go.</p>
<p>Five years is a very long time relationship. It’ll take a lot of time to recover. Among middle-aged people, divorcing, I think the estimate counselors give is a month recovery for each year of marriage!</p>
<p>Since he broke off with her, I’ll bet she’s going to spend a lot of time trying to figure out what she did wrong. But sometimes the relationship itself has mutual flaws, and only one person is willing to declare it by breaking up. That he broke up by text may indicate he was too young and immature to handle an engagement. He could scare himself with his own talk about rings! In the end, I think it doesn’t matter which person calls off a very long relationship…just that one is more decisive, that’s all.</p>
<p>I had a devastating breakup after college. Then it went on and off for awhile. It had moments of he didn’t want me, but didn’t want me dating anyone else either. The really hard part was that my family really didn’t know him and how close we really were, how much time we spent together and how connected I felt to him. Any time we ran into each other we just started dating again.</p>
<p>I moved home (to another state) about 6 months after the last breakup. I couldn’t handle the same environment, being close by, the contact the no contact. I figured he would make some big move and call or come after me. Nope. We weren’t in contact until last year.</p>
<p>I ended up marrying someone else, so happy I found a better relationship for me. However, it hung in the background of my heart for many years. It wasn’t like I wanted him back, but it just ended with no discussion.</p>
<p>He found me on facebook a couple of years ago and we chatted a little catching up on things. We still didn’t get any closure, and the reality was it didn’t seem right to my husband and kids to be “friends” with someone who I felt haunted me for years. </p>
<p>Bottom line - nothing anyone could do or say would make me feel better about how sad I felt and how something felt missing. And there is no way at this point you should tell her she’ll find someone else, etc. The best thing is to stay busy, find new hobbies and interests and don’t tell her how much you miss him. You are on her side, not his, regardless.</p>
<p>Losing someone that has all kinds of shared history and growth with you is difficult. The old friends drifted away during the relationship and as they all went off to college, and the new ones at college haven’t known you all that long.</p>
<p>I tried to understand S’s grief without going there with him. (I saved my grief for my friends.)</p>