<p>For those of you who remember the original thread we pulled our daughter out of her private university a year ago. Since that time she has completed her Associates degree at the CC. She was diagnosed with ADD and depression and has been treated since her return home. We have had our ups and downs but we were so happy to see the remarkable progress that our daughter was making. A few short weeks ago she got back together with her old boyfriend and as of last week she started to not come home. This escalated when on a week night she woke my husband up and I was awake waiting for her to return home. There were words said and we told her that if this continued she would need tofind another place to live. She left and we have no idea where she is. We are assumming she is with the boyfriend. I have tried many times to make contact with both of them to no avail.</p>
<p>Daughter said we threw her out and she is happy to be gone. She said she does not want to live by our rules and will figure out her own life. </p>
<p>She only has part time work and was supposed to be taking a class right now. I don’t know if she dropped it or is attending. That class was the only thing standing in the way of her associates degree (to be granted in two weeks). </p>
<p>I am heart broken once again and I can’t imagine what the heck she is thinking. I am also concerned that her boyfriend may be thrilled because how he has what he always wanted, my daughter. He was playing hard to get up until two weeks ago and he went right back to proclaming his love for her. </p>
<p>I am trying to figure out what happened and why this has happened. I knew she was sleeping out but it was the night that we both had to wake up the next morning and she kept us up that really threw me over. </p>
<p>She has no money but does have her phone and our car. I just want to scream because we have gone above and beyond this past year in every respect to see her back to normal. I am just shocked.</p>
<p>The only advice I would give you is that you do what you can to get the car back. If you can’t, contact an attorney and see what you can do about having someone go out and repossess it. You don’t want to be legally responsible for any accidents, especially if she lets the boyfriend drive it. I’d get advice as to whether you can report it stolen without pursuing criminal charges. (I am an attorney but this is NOT at all my area of expertise and I doubt I’m admitted where you live. I’m just giving general advice that you ought not to let her keep the car with you being legally responsible as the owner.) </p>
<p>She’s still young and she may come around. </p>
<p>MommaThree, my sympathies. You must be worried sick. Having been an ADD daughter, looking back I now realize I put my parents through hell.</p>
<p>When you do see her again, and I think you probably will fairly soon, you’ll have to tell her that if she wants to live her life she’ll have to do it without your car. If she needs a hard lesson, she should get a hard lesson.</p>
<p>Sorry you are going through this. Get the car back. Be calm, but simply tell her that you understand that she wants to live on her own and not have to follow your rules, but that will not include having your car. If you want to give her some lead time on the phone, that wouldn’t be too bad. (i.e. say in 2 months the phone goes on your own account) Tell her she is welcome back if she follows your household rules and keeps up her schooling/work as agreed.</p>
<p>Sad to hear the difficulty. I do understand why it’s hard.</p>
<p>But grown women do have the right to leave home and drop out of college should they so choose. And at this point, it sounds like she is chosing options that Mom & Dad aren’t pleased with, but that is her choice to make.</p>
<p>You’ve done your part with raising her. Now it is time to let her go and spread she wings. Do get your car back, though.</p>
<p>I think that college age students living at home shouldn’t have a curfew and if they choose to stay out late, that is their choice.</p>
<p>I agree with the advice. Leave messages or go in person to the BF’s house and leave a letter. Explain that the phone will be turned of on such and such a date, but she can make arrangements to transfer the number to her own account. Explain that the insurance on the car will NOT cover her if she is not living at home and if someone else is driving it, so that you will need to get with her to collect the car. Then, if no answer you turn off the phone and repossess the car. Or you go to the DMV and take your name off the car and cancel the insurance if it is older and you just want to let her keep it. You certainly can transfer ownership and title to her. </p>
<p>These things show that you are serious. Then you wait and see her response. She will either need the phone and the car and therefore YOU, or she will become independent. Sounds like it is time to draw a line in the sand and stick to it. </p>
<p>This is tough love and tougher on you than her. But it is time…</p>
<p>was the car a gift? Are you sure you want her to be out there with no form of transportation?</p>
<p>I’m just saying this because I know you wish she hadn’t left the house, and you have to be careful what you use as a “threat” and what you really “mean” and feel comfortable with. Personally, I wouldn’t want my own daughter out there without a form of transportation, even if she did decide she wanted to live with her boyfriend more than me. </p>
<p>Other than that, and including that, if it is what you want, I think you are getting excellent advice. </p>
<p>Good luck. Sometimes they just have to leave. Sometimes this is just the start of them being an adult.</p>
<p>I’ll be the one to say this: It is time to let your daughter go. I’ve looked through past threads you have started about your college age daughter. You were asking other parents what information they want from their kid (phone numbers, names, places they are going to) when they go on dates. Your daughter is a junior in college! This isn’t how parents generally treat their college age kids.</p>
<p>You were asking about running a criminal background check on your daughter’s boyfriend last winter. I’ve never heard of parents of college students running background checks on their signficiant others.</p>
<p>Some of the posts you have talked about whether you liked or disliked their boyfriends. One she broke up with you like a lot and were sad that they were not together, as you likely wanted him to be a permenant fixture in your family.</p>
<p>Honestly, it’s time to give your D space and let her be her own person. She’ll do well in life but she needs a chance to try things out for herself.</p>
<p>Momma-three,
I am so sorry that this happened. My SIL had a similiar thing happen with her son. He did not want to attend college, was working and had a GF. He was sleeping with GF and staying out all night. Days would go by where she did not know where he was. She calmly told him that if he wanted to have an adult relationship with his GF, he had to behave like an adult and arrange for his own housing, food, car, utilities, etc. He was quite angry, of course, and she was heart-broken because she wanted him to attend college.</p>
<p>However, he and his GF did what she asked. They both got jobs, got an apartment and supported themselves. This was a gradual process. Ultimately they did get married.</p>
<p>So, have faith that your D will figure out her life. Keep the lines of communication open, be firm in your expectations, and always remind your daughter that you love her.</p>
<p>This really shouldn’t be turned into a battle. I am the mother of 2 daughters. One just graduated from college and the other has just finished her sophomore year. After the first year in the dorms, both girls have had apartments and have lived independently while at school. My oldest did not come home her second summer (after sophomore year) and has really not lived at home since then. She has now graduated and lives in the next state with her boyfriend. My youngest, soon to be a junior, is home for a week then goes back to school for a summer session to LA. Many of her friends are there and she is very independent. After this summer I don’t expect her to ever live at home again. It makes me sad but it’s life.</p>
<p>I also agree that once kids have lived independently at college it is unrealistic to have a curfew at home BUT we always insist that if they are going to be very late, or choose to stay over with a friend that they must call. That is just common courtesy. </p>
<p>Most 18,19 and 20 year olds really don’t want to live at home nor should they. They are adults and want to be independent. We do help both girls financially but they both work and contribute. I understand your daughter had some depression issues which I am sure was an emotional time for your all and after being so supportive you expect her to be considerate and loving. My oldest daughter also had depression issues. She even came home early from a semester in Chile and took a semester off from school. So I know what it’s like to go through a time like that. But she did get well (as well as we can hope for) and did get back on track and graduate.</p>
<p>I know this is long but I also want to add a bit about what I stated with. Don’t make this a battle. I will confess to doing something similar when I was your daughters age. I had a boyfriend my father didn’t approve of and stayed out later and later and occasionally didn’t come home. (My mother passed away when I was 13 so she wasn’t in the picture) I came home one day to find a large suitcase on my bed. My father calmly said that if I couldn’t live by his rules I could leave. So I did. At that point being with my boyfriend was much more important than making my father happy. (Of course I did not leave with his car!) So we had a couple of rough years after that and of course once I was grown up and had kids we were as close as a father and daughter could be until he passed away. But he really drove me away. His resistance sent me running to my boyfriend. I was ready to live independently but it was our battle that drove me away and caused a rift between us that lasted a long time.</p>
<p>So if you want to remain close, have communication and be a family, recognize that her moving out is ok. Even if she’s with a boyfriend you don’t approve of. Trust me, nothing you will say will make her leave him. She will figure that out on her own or if she doesn’t it’s her life. You need to find a way to have a calm, adult conversation with her where you give and take and not make demands. She needs to return the car, or perhaps you could work out a payment plan for her to buy it from you. Possibly by assisting her in her move to independence by offering advice and suggestions (without letting her move in and treat her like a teenager again) she will communicate with you and you will get past this. Work together otherwise she will have a “me against them” mentality which will not help. As hard as this is, unless you fear for her safety, you must let her live her life and this shall pass. Good Luck!</p>
<p>You didn’t throw her out. You gave her a choice–our house, our rules. If you want your rules, get your own house. Don’t let her make you feel guilty for her own choices and the results that she wants. </p>
<p>I think that now is the time to treat her as an adult child who has moved out for whatever reason, no more, no less–no recriminations. Let her come by and pack whatever she’d like to take to her new living arrangements. Separate yourself financially–get the car back now, cancel the phone, cancel or change any accounts through which she has access to your credit or your money. </p>
<p>I had this happen to a friend of mine earlier in the spring and I was called in to broker the separation. It was interesting how the kid took the initiative of learning how to work the bus system, walk and get rides from friends to get where it was that she needed to go. Mom agreed to continue to pay medical bills (ADD meds, doctors visits, etc.).</p>
<p>It wasn’t more than a month before her friends had booted her out because she didn’t follow THEIR rules and she came home a chastened kid. </p>
<p>But the point is that you aren’t doing this (take back the car, phone, etc.) to force her to return home. I agree with inquiringmind2, recognizing for yourself and letting your daughter know that it is OK for her to move out because it is time she moved on with her life will be key in moving this relationship to a new stage instead of shutting it down.</p>
<p>Yes, you wished it could have come in a more leisurely and ordered way, but life is what happens when you are making other plans…</p>
<p>Hugs to you mommathree. At this point, it’s hard to communicate with your daughter. Is there a therapist who can act as an intermediary so you can start a dialogue through the therapist either separately or together with your daughter ?</p>
<p>I would also add-- IF she has a credit card that you pay etc…I would stop that as well.</p>
<p>Let her go,
let her grow…maybe some tough lessons to be had in the next few months for everyone–and that assoc degree may be another semester away…however she has to be responsible for her health (take her meds etc properly) and own her actions/plans etc.</p>
<p>bigtress…This 19 year old daughter is being treated for depression, has stopped going to her therapist, and has up until recently gone out with at least two guys that were less than desirable. I did have a criminal check on one because I just knew something was not right about him. I do not regret doing that and I would do that again. He had a criminal past involving assault. </p>
<p>The current boyfriend is the boy she was dating in highschool, and I have always liked him. Up until two weeks ago he wanted a casual relationship, and I suspected that he was protecting himself from being hurt by my daughter again. He apparently told my daughter how he really felt and the next thing I know she is not coming home at night. I knew where she was and she did inform me. The problem arose when she was given the foot and she took the mile. I explained that it was not acceptable to keep us up late when we both wake up at 4:30-5:00 in the morning. My day begins with taking care of my father before I start my day/night of work. </p>
<p>When she left it was because of the time that she got home. I just could not believe that she was gone for four days and the night before her class was beginning she pranced in so late. I had to wake her every morning because she never woke up even when she went to bed at a normal hour. </p>
<p>I do not have a problem with her getting her own place but the way she is acting is rediculous. She does not have money and I can’t imagine where she is sleeping. Her boyfriend will be going back to school at the end of August and so will her neighborhood friends. I am sure she will come running home after putting us through this hell. I am so angry at the way she has done this. It is childish and irresponsible and we as her parents do not deserve this treatment. Just so you are aware the boy with the criminal record…my daughter thanked me for discovering what she herself said she should have surmised. So as far as your reposting my threads you should understand that this kid has not been easy and every bit of our time and attention was devoted to seeing her get strong again.</p>
<p>Try to find a way to stay allies as she makes this transition to adulthood. </p>
<p>Everyone involved should try to think less in black and white, and more in gray. Meet in the middle, yield, don’t make absolute demands.</p>
<p>Maybe there is a way for her to share housing with roommates, and leave home safely, but still with your support.</p>
<p>Maybe she will find that the therapist is helpful right now: the therapist can be not only a mediator but a transitional stand-in for you. It sounds like the boyfriend is serving that purpose, for now.</p>
<p>She has plenty of time to finish that last course (though quitting wastes money). Relax about that.</p>
<p>Stand back while she figures things out, but be there if she needs you.</p>
<p>There are differing views on curfews for kids this age who are living at home. I can see validity in many of them. In that sense, neither your daughter nor you is wrong, you are just different in the way you see things.</p>