Daughter has left home

Parent Cafe
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<p>When you are living in someone else’s house it is a courtesy not to come banging in the door in the middle of the night. I am asked to be in at a reasonable hour as a college senior and it is not out of an effort to control me, but because I am expected to be courteous to the people who are letting me live in their home and eat their food for free.</p>

<p>My only advice, thinking from your daughter’s perspective-- as you know I am not a parent, is to make sure you are controlling the damage from here. Get your car back, tell her if she wants to be away from you then she can be, but (if this is what you want) tell her that she can come back whenever she is ready and leave it at that. Do your best to say this in the least patronizing way possible-- you know, not like WELL WHEN YOU NEED ME <em>wink wink</em> I’ll be waiting." What you do NOT want to have happen is have a big fight about her choice to strike out on her own and whether or not she is responsible enough to handle this by herself (sounds like a no, but bear with me), something goes awry with the boyfriend, and because of the way she blazed out of your life she is too proud to come back and ends up homeless rather than come home. You did nothing wrong the night that she left. You have the right to set rules for your own household. She reacted extremely immaturely, and it sounds like she’s got some issues to work out-- and like she has been taking her parents generosity for granted. She will wise up sooner or later and probably be embarrassed for behaving this way, and eventually she is probably going to need you and you don’t want her to feel like she can’t come back to your family. I have known more than one person my age to end up homeless after leaving home in such a way.</p>

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<p>Momma-three. I understand and support your need to do a criminal check on a boy who was dating your daughter. It’s better to be cautious than sorry.</p>

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<p>Time to make a bridge with your daughter and HELP her move out of your home. Even if she moves in with a BF. You can offer to pay a small part of her rent while she remains a college student for example. You can offer to help her find a place to rent. You can offer to let her keep your car while she is a college student. Etc.</p>

<p>You don’t need to pay for everything dealing with her moving out. Having her struggle a bit on her own financially to get a taste of what it really costs to be independent is a good idea.</p>

<p>However, if she has quit college (or is unwilling to show you that she has passed her classes each semester - I would insist on seeing an actual transcript as proof for continued supported) - then why not just let her go? Plenty of children forge out on their own as 19+ year olds. It is difficult but not impossible.</p>

<p>I think almost any arrangement of your daughter moving back home and “behaving” according to your “rules” in the home is very unlikely at this point. Either your house rules need to greatly relax (and frankly, I wouldn’t relax MY rules, so I sympathize) … or you have to let her go and bridge that transition. I would choose the latter.</p>

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<p>I’m not understanding why your daughter coming home late means that you are deprived of sleep. Is she making all kinds of noise–banging pots and pans, blasting the TV–or is the problem that you are anxiously waiting up for her (which is easily solved by just not waiting up)? If this was a matter of repeatedly violating an agreed-upon curfew, I could understand (though I personally don’t believe in curfews for college-age children), but from your explanation I don’t really get the justification for telling your daughter to leave, other than the fact you don’t care for her love life. Perhaps you are deliberately leaving things vague in your post?</p>

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<p>I wait up for several reasons, some of which make complete sense and others that are just irrational fear that comes with having a absolutely beautiful young woman out in her car driving home alone.</p>

<p>The point is I expect common curtesy during the week when she has shool and I have work.</p>

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<p>“the problem arose when she was given the foot and she took the mile. I explained that it was not acceptable to keep us up late when we both wake up at 4:30-5:00 in the morning.”</p>

<p>Last month, my college age son came in while I was leaving for work at about 5:30. I’m glad he’s working in another state this summer and at college the rest of the time so I don’t have to know about late night stuff.</p>

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<p>I’ll admit that I wait up because I can’t sleep because of worry-- but I try not to be angry at my college-age kids about it because I realize it’s my hangup. </p>

<p>You had a fight with your daughter. I’m not sure it makes any sense to argue that you deserve better. She may very well feel that she is worthy of more trust. I really think you just need to accept this as her moving out. Personally, if I could afford it, I would let her keep the car and keep up the insurance so she has some independence from the boyfriend. </p>

<p>You said she was being treated for depression. Was she doing better? Was there any talk of bipolar? Unless there were serious reasons for concern (like current suicidal tendencies), I would work on giving her space without going over the history. I think you know that all that work has to go on inside of you. You need to accept that she has a right to make decisions for her life and, if you want a good relationship with your daughter, you will accept those decisions even if it goes against what you want for her and even if they’re poor decisions. </p>

<p>Many hugs to you. I am a grown adult with several kids but I think my mom could have related to you many years ago.</p>

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<p>The things that are running through my mind right now:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>I don’t want to take the car because without a car she would not be able to get to many of the places she would need to go. We do not have bus service to get around.</p></li>
<li><p>If she is on her own in our high rent district she will need to work two low paying jobs just to pay rent and that would include having a few roommates.</p></li>
<li><p>Leaving school would mean her health insurance would be dropped. Right now the only jobs she would get would barely be a livable wage and would probably not offer health insurance.</p></li>
<li><p>She has school loans from her first year at her expensive private school that will require her to start paying off if she leaves school.</p></li>
<li><p>She has about $4,000 of her own money which will not go far in paying security deposit and first months rent not to mention setting up an apartment with the bare essentials.</p></li>
<li><p>Should I continue to pay her tuition if she decides to continue with school when it is clear that she is not handling this situation with grace? How does she attend school and work two jobs? If she goes part time she could possibly finish in about 6 or 7 years.</p></li>
<li><p>She needs to get back in therapy and takes medication. I am concerned that she would sell the adderal if money was tight. (As a result she does not have the adderall with her)</p></li>
<li><p>She is accustomed to living in a very nice area that is safe at all hours. She could not afford to live in any area within 10 miles of here. She could not afford Manhattan and the only cities in our state would be considered far too dangerous. </p></li>
</ol>

<p>She has thought nothing out and just took off like a child. I can not take these drama moments anymore and I thought she had grown up enough to realize they just got her nowhere. On one hand I want her to figure things out on her own but on the other hand I know how difficult if not impossible, it will be for her to start out with no real job, no current roommate possibilties, little money and nothing of her own. I just don’t want her running home expecting that we will be so happy to have her back and that she will do whatever she wants because we are afraid to let her go.This recent event has made me realize that she needs to go because she is not happy living with our expectations but she needs to do it the right way… I do not believe we were overly demanding. She was going to school, working a part time job and we expected a call if she was not coming home. We did not like some of her behavior and we did address it. If it is under our nose I would have to be dead to ignore it. I guess its time for the kids to leave the nest when you just can’t keep quiet when you don’t like what they are doing. We really thought she was heading in the right direction and than the boyfriend came back. I would not have a problem with them living together if that was feasible. He rents a house two hours from here and her school is 2 and a half hours from him so she would not be able to live there and go to school. Work in that area would require her to be in a very unsafe environment.My sons had visited him up at his school and said that the area half a mile from where he lives off campus is disgusting. </p>

<p>She seems to thrive off drama and I also think that this was brewing since my son graduated and moved back home for the year. It seems she always does something when one of her siblings is either coming in or we are visiting with them. If there is any joy with one of the others than she creates problems. I still don’t get this because she is so loved by her brothers, and they all get along so well. She just seems to enjoy doing this in the presence of others. </p>

<p>I am sure some of you have either experienced something similar or know someone who has. Should we continue to try and make contact with her or just let her be right now? Like I said she has our car, her phone and her clothes. She will need her medicine by this coming Monday and she has no money or access to it right now. Should we turn over her money when she does not even have a place lined up? Wow, I just don’t even know what to think right now. I wish she was more mature and less dramatic. </p>

<p>By the way she is not responding to any calls from her brothers either. Husband saw her in our car a couple of days ago and there is activity on the cell phone. How would you proceed at this point?</p>

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<p>I wish only the best for you and your family. Is there a chance she is bipolar? The depression sounds like just one component of her problem. Also, is there a friend or relative who she trusts who may be able to talk to her on your behalf?
It’s easy for me, a stranger on a faceless forum, to say be strong…but take care of yourself too.</p>

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<p>She was not diagnosed with bipolar…would it be easy to identify by a professional?</p>

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<p>This would be a big plus. As I wrote earlier, I was called on in a similar situation. This person would be able to hear what your D has to say and should be non-judgmental. </p>

<p>Right now, your D has done this big move and probably enjoys the drama of everyone trying to contact her and convince her to move back home–of course, she isn’t going to answer your calls just yet. I’d quit making them except to have her talk with this third party. She will meet with this third party if this third party has something she wants–in my case, I had her drivers license. Couldn’t get into bars with friends without that license.</p>

<p>My first job was to convince my friend that she needed her D to move out, not to move back home. She needed to consider this whole thing as if her daughter were going away to college and think about what she would be providing in such a situation. This ongoing relationship/drama was killing her! </p>

<p>My second job was to convince her D that her mother thought that this move out was a needed step and that my job would not be to try to convince her to move back home but to facilitate her move out. We talked about things like where she would be living and what would she be doing for money, parent paying for school, medical stuff–and what stuff she would need to ask her mother to continue to provide. </p>

<p>After about 3 days, I was able to get them to meet with each other to calmly discuss some logistical issues. They agreed that they would meet each other for dinner periodically to keep the lines of communication open. </p>

<p>As for what to do right now, I’d get that third person lined up. I would use access to her medication or some of her money ($500?) as an incentive for her to see this person. Facilitate her move out. Separate this move from your feelings of anger that you don’t deserve this treatment from her (which you don’t, of course) and that you don’t want to provide anything because she didn’t do this split “with grace.” Time to get practical.</p>

<p>My friend’s D wanted to start taking responsibility for more of her own life…to prove to herself and her mother that she was capable of manage things herself. She may not have done it so artfully as her mother, but she did put effort into it.</p>

<p>How this situation ended–the people who were providing free lodging told her to move out. That dose of reality was enough to bring her to her senses. Because the lines of communication were open, she and her mother were able to come to an agreement as to the conditions of her return home.</p>

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<p>It’s difficult to watch grown children make decisions regarding their life that are contrary to what you would have done, or what you wish they would do. At some point you have to distinguish when you have to let go for you own piece of mind. Remembering your posts from the past you have executed Plan A and have executed Plan B…I think I agree with most that say it’s time to cut the apron strings. Yes, you’re thinking about her in the context of a middle class life: e.g. the car, continuing the education, the insurance, the apartments, etc. etc. but the reality is if she makes the choice Plan C to “split” now, she really starts at ground zero and you have to pretty much allow that to happen. We never, ever stop being a “parent” emotionally or worrying about our children…my parents are in their late 80s and still try to “parent me” and still “worry” about this or that but there comes a point where you have to step back and let go of the “managing” part of being a parent. There may very well come a point where you D is sick of not having a car, gets medical bills that she can’t afford, gets tired of sacking out with multiple roommates, gets sick of cobbling low paying jobs together and comes crawling back for help…but the odds of “making” her conform to you desires is pretty slim.</p>

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<p>Momma-three. I do not have any advise, but just feel so sympathetic for you. You can probably think of nothing else.
Coming from someone that also suffers from depression, she NEEDS to stay on her medication. Sometimes it can be a life and death situation. Also, going off cold-turkey is a terrible thing to do. Is there someway that you can pick up the prescription at the pharmacy and take it to her? Or a brother can take it to her? I would try to do that, for sure.<br>
It sounds like she is not living that far from you, that’s good.</p>

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<p>I honestly don’t know how difficult it is to diagnose bipolar disorder. Are you confident that her therapist has explored everything? Drama coupled with depression sounds a lot like manic depression.</p>

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<p>After saying I had no advise, I then gave some advise. :)</p>

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<p>Hugs to you, momma-three</p>

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<p>Momma3, I am sorry that you are suffering. I know that you are in a sandwich generation squeeze, and it is hard. I think it is very difficult to parent adult children. My inlaws tell a story of my SIL and she did a fairly similar thing to your D, down to no communication etc. From all accounts SIL was influenced by her BF, who later became her husband. After that, although the sun rose and set on this woman according to her mother, they were never too nice to my inlaws.</p>

<p>I think it is important NOT to constantly try to contact her, as she will just pull away more. I also think that trying to control her will never work. If it were me, and the situation were as you describe, I probably would give her the car (if it is “her” car and does not take away from what your other children need), and pay for the insurance, in her name at her “address” for a while. If she has no “address” to register the car, then I guess she can’t have it legitimately. If she needs health insurance, I would buy it. After that, rent food etc., she would be on her own. Let her figure out how to live. I think you are right that she thinks you are waiting for her to return and that she can then behave any way that she wants. </p>

<p>I think you probably are right that the rearrival of your son after graduation threw a kink in things, as did the fortuitous arrival of the boyfriend. People with mental health issues often become worse with a change in living situation (even where objectively it is perceived as neutral to positive.) One clue that she is behaving in an out of control manner is that she won’t talk to her brothers (I assume there is no reason for this.) </p>

<p>Although I am not a psychologist, I unfortunately have had more than my share of difficult relatives with “issues”. One thing I have noticed is that they blame others for problems of their own making, and use that as a way to let themselves off the hook for their own bad behavior. I think you should be emotionally supportive if she comes to you, and let her know that you will be, and after that, let her make her own mistakes.
You can continue your surveillance to make sure that she is not coming into some crisis in terms of her health, but after that, as difficult as it may be to do, try to back off.</p>

<p>I know that you must be a very caring helpful mother and daughter based on your posts, and that this is hard for you. I just have one more part of my SIL saga. Recently, when SIL did not call back her parents, they, at 80 plus yrs of age, threatened to call the police to come to see if she was ok if they did not hear from her. I told them that I was HORRIFIED that they tried to control her (a nearly 60 yo woman) in such an outrageous way. They spewed some BS about how do they know she is not dead somewhere. Believe me when I say, they would have been notified by someone if that had been the case. She did send word that she was “alive”, and she changed her phone #, so now none of us has it. I tried to tell FIL that he accomplished nothing by forcing her to contact him, and he refuses to see how he contributes to the problem by doing something like that. All FIL could see at the time was that he “won” and got her to contact him. I knew it was bad, and it became worse. Try not to fall into such traps if you can.</p>

<p>Hoping for the best for all of you.</p>

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<p>My D. wakes us up almost every night, I do not care. If there is no other problems, that is the way it is. She is young, has friends. We get up at 5am every day to go to work. Sometime we woke up around 3am, sometime around 1am. It is just part of life - having a young adult in a house. If everything else is fine, we just live the way it is meant while having 20 y.old, we do not have other expectations, it is normal. Forgot to mention that we have older son, have been thru this before, nothing unusual.</p>

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<p>MiamiDAP, that doesn’t really help or comfort the OP much, does it?</p>

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<p>Hugs to you. My sister (who also has depression and who knows what else) finished college at the age of 46. It took her a LONG time to grow up…if she ever did. Even at 55 she’s still finishing her masters degree, is teaching a few on-line courses and has no health insurance (has had a couple of major surgeries “on the taxpayers”). But she has a small apartment, great friends, reads widely, loves to cook, enjoys her dog, knows how to get anywhere on public transportation, and can decorate and dress herself pretty well on the narrowest of shoestrings. I truly think she is happy. She has always done things her way (our dad was a Southern Baptist minister.) I think she is happier than if she had my life (same job for 25 years, same house for 24 years, same husband for 21 years). </p>

<p>Your daughter may never follow the path you want for her, but she can have a very happy life.</p>