<p>Pizzagirl,
I would be greatly comforted by sombody’s comments that my D. is just like everybody else her age. I do not understand you starting fight about my post, nor I care. I answered only to clarify my intentions to OP, so that OP would disregard your nasty comments.</p>
<p>My heart goes out to you. S1 dropped out of our life for 6 months when we could not agree on terms for him to live at home after he graduated. It hurt. There was no communication. That included holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas. A third party helped broker a reunion in a neutral spot and slowly we connected again. He has taken responsibility for his life and is a delight now. He even lived at home again for a year during a transition in jobs with no more drama. </p>
<p>All I can say is ease back. Let her work it out and try to open a door with a neutral 3rd party or 2. If she contacts you don’t jump on her. Try to work things out. You can hold to your rules, but consider some of them might need to be adjusted for her age. Work with her like you would an adult at work in resolving the conflicts. It’s hurtful. But you can only control your reactions, not her actions.</p>
<p>We’ve been through some rough patches with our son over rules and expectations for living at home. When he first returned from rehab we had one major blowout when I indicated to him he would have to follow our rules/expectations or he would have to live elsewhere. He interpreted that as me throwing him out of the house. We did manage to work things out and while I won’t say it is smooth sailing, it is better than it was. </p>
<p>I like the suggestions you’ve received from Singersmom and ellemenope. I do understand how sad, anxious and frustrated you must feel, knowing that your D needs your support and guidance yet she is unable to recognize that. I hate to ask but is there a possibility that she may be using illegal drugs? </p>
<p>I am thinking about you and your family and hope that you and your daughter can work this out.</p>
<p>I am a little puzzled by something from the OP. You said you wait up at night because you worry about her out driving late at night. I assume you are more worried now that you have no idea where she is/where she is sleeping/etc. It is hard to back down and lose face, but seems to me that it is the lesser of two evils. Honestly, I would not tell my D when and whether she has to be home, but that she HAS to keep me informed of what is going on and any change of plans. And if we have family plans or something that were previously communicated to her, she is has to keep those obligations. She is a young adult, has this freedom at college, and as long as she is considerate she is allowed to continue to have it at home. I do not wait up, but she has the okay to call any time to let me know that her plans have changed and she won’t be home. While I am sympathetic to your situation to a degree, it seems to me that your insistance on physically being up or awakened when she gets home might not be necessary… Just because you have always had this rule does not mean you can’t change it.</p>
<p>^^True Missy and the converse of what I said can be true…that the D ends up happy or at the very least content with her life at this moment in time.</p>
<p>saberay---- I stay up because I know she is out driving. She does not drive under the influence but still I can’t sleep knowing that she is alone in a car several miles from our home. She is a beautiful girl and in all honesty there is not a head that does’nt turn when someone sees her. I think of her getting into a car alone and yes I like to see her face when she gets in. I could not sleep peacefully with her out driving alone. She has called me on rare occasion just to know I was on the other end of the phone. Don’t get me wrong I would still be awake if she were a less than attractive young lady…its just the way I’m wired. </p>
<p>I have also been concerned about her mixing alcohol with her anti depressants. I have seen the effects of her having one glass of wine and one would think she had three. I believe she is careful about this which is why we have made it clear that she is not to come home when under the influence. She also knows that we will pick her up anywhere at any place if she needs a ride. </p>
<p>I have also noticed that she seems to be almost unaware of young mens attention. When she walks she does not notice the attention she is getting which is frightening to me when I know she is getting into a car alone. I have just faced the facts that I need to know she is home safely. I can’t change that and no ammount of rational conversation is going to change that…so I guess that makes me crazy. My husband on the other hand could sleep through a bomb and is of the thinking that if there is a problem we would get a call. I like to know that if there is something she is afraid of than she will call us and I would not want to be in a deep sleep if our phone rang. </p>
<p>As for me worrying about her out of the house right now. I know that her boyfriend would all but jump in front of a truck to keep her safe. He really is a good guy and he is aware of her inability to recognize the attention that she receives. He has often told me that for a girl so beautiful she has no clue. Once the boyfriend is out of the picture and back at school I would be extremely worried.</p>
<p>eddieodessa…I am just praying that she realizes that she has no medicine and makes contact with her brother. Her brothers are all so worried about her. The one that is home contacted the other two, and they are all coming in this weekend. Like I said she has such good people in her life if only she could recognize it. As of today she has yet to call back any of her brothers. Two of them offered her a place to stay but she did not respond.</p>
<p>Momma-three,</p>
<p>I’d encourage you to seek some counseling or medication for your anxiety. The extent that you worry about your D is not healthy for you and no doubt is impacting your relationship with your D.</p>
<p>Forcing your daughter to come home at an early hour because of your anxiety isn’t fair to her and it isn’t rationale. She has a life to live, and can’t be expected to change her life because of your anxiety.</p>
<p>No, you’re not crazy. I could never sleep when I was having difficulty with my son. I had to know he was home, so I understand how you feel. But I would worry about your D mixing alcohol with anti-depressants. </p>
<p>I’m sorry that I haven’t read your other threads or even all of this thread, but I do hope there is someone that you can talk to to help you develop a plan/strategy for dealing with this situation. Take care of yourself.</p>
<p>setting a bookmark.</p>
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<p>I second this.</p>
<p>I like to know that my D is home safe and sound as well. She gives me a time when she will be home, whether it is midnight or 3 a.m. (I don’t set a curfew.) I go to sleep as usual, and set my cell phone alarm for 15 minutes or so (depending how far from home she is) before she is due. She is curteous to give me a text saying “leaving “xx’s” house, see you in 10.” I stay up just long enough to know she is safely home, then go right back to sleep.</p>
<p>bigtress…what do you consider early? I do not think that spending the night out when she needs to is expecting too much…what should I say stay out till 5:00 every night and good luck waking up for a 9:00 class. That post did not make sense if you read everything.</p>
<p>I need medication now to calm down but I think considering the issues we have had I handled my “anxiety” just fine. I would need to be negligent to sleep through the night after the history she has had.</p>
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<p>Momma-three, it’s not your place to decide what time a college junior goes to bed each night. She’s an adult and it’s her choice to make. I had a college roommate that stayed up until 3 - 5 each morning playing video games on line. He barely stayed awake during class, but he passed and graduated. His dad lived in the same town but he chose to live on campus because he didn’t want to live under his dad’s rules.</p>
<p>You get to choose if you pay for her classes. If she chooses not to go or sleep through them, that is the choice she made. You can then decide not to fund any more classes.</p>
<p>I think if you treat her more like an adult, you’ll find she makes more decisions you approve of. She will mess up, too, but then she will have to live with the consequences of her actions. Over time, she will mess up less and less. Eventually, she will seem pretty normal.</p>
<p>(I don’t know the extent of her mental illness. All bets are off is she has some serious condition. In that case, you need to have the court give your guardianship over her so you can make decisions for her.)</p>
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<p>It’s whatever time you consider to be appropriate and early. Your D obviously has a different opinion.</p>
<p>I second what bigtrees is saying. The behavior attributed to momma-three by herself on this thread and by others on previous threads is not normal.</p>
<p>What on earth possessed you to conduct a criminal background check on someone your daughter was dating? You daughter might have thanked you to your face but that doesn’t mean she wasn’t secretly livid. What you did was a huge violation of her privacy. You were way out of bounds with this action. I don’t care that you found something, you should never have done this.</p>
<p>You should not be waiting up for a college age daughter to get home. If you can’t sleep that’s your problem, not hers.</p>
<p>The idea that since she is pretty she is in more danger for being raped is ridiculous. The crime of rape doesn’t have a lot to do with physical appearance. Just because a young man looks at your daughter doesn’t make him a rapist. He is just looking because she is attractive.</p>
<p>(((hugs)))</p>
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I don’t set a curfew, either, just ask for courtesy (we have a dog who barks) and always receive it. The only hard-and-fast rule in my home is that the girls text me when they arrive at home in case they both come in at the same time and I don’t realize or if the dog has been particularly barky that night and I’m not sure they’re there.</p>
<p>I don’t think that common courtesy is too much to ask in a person living in one’s home, and I also don’t think being over a certain age gives one license to run wild. Every family has its priorities and history. If the OP needs her D to be in the house earlier most of the time, surely a compromise can be reached. It has nothing to do with over-protective parenting and everything to do with two adults learning to co-exist in the same house.</p>
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I totally disagree. It was both of their problem while living in the same house. Nothing good comes of being out after a certain time. There is no beneficial reason to do so.</p>
<p>Nothing to add, but my heart goes out to you, OP.</p>
<p>I see both sides people are arguing here, of course we will always worry about our children, but my bottom line is I think it is goood for this family that she moved out. If the mother is going to stay up nights, suffering, waiting for the daughter to come home, it’s best she not live at home.</p>
<p>I’m concerned for the daughter that mom is so fearful about so many things-- bad men, her beauty attracting trouble, night driving–and communicates these fears to her. She is an adult and needs to assess life on her own and her standards for things may and can be different from mom’s. Mom had 18 years to teach and it seems she was a hands on mother. Now it’s time to stop sharing fears and let the daughter determine how she lives.</p>
<p>It seems like a good opportunity for the parents to suppport her moving out, let the daughter grow up and face the realities of living on her own and for the parents to get on with life with an adult offspring. Momma-3 and her DH need to enjoy some full nights of sleep.</p>
<p>Pea…You are entitled to your opinion as I am to mine. I clarified that my daughter being beautiful and unaware of the attention was my concern (she walks with her head in one direction). I also admitted that I would do the same if she were unattractive because in my eyes she is my child. </p>
<p>You don’t recognize the need for a criminal check than forgive me for saying this but you are the one with a problem. I sensed something was wrong and did what I did. Should I have waited for this boys aggressive tendencies to be lashed out on my daughter. I would never do such a thing unless there was a reason…there was a reason. I don’t know how any parent would ignore such a thing. You are the one who seems odd to me.</p>
<p>I’m not sure this thread is helping momma 3 but it sure helps me to know that S staying out till 5A is “par for the course.”</p>
<p>As a Mom who used to worry excessively I feel for you. I am much better now. I have a few thoughts. On not being able to sleep till she gets home. I have learned to not spend time worrying about things that have not happened. If something bad is going to happen it will happen whether you are awake or asleep. Your first job is to take care of yourself and that includes sleep. I went through two summers of hell with my son home from college. The not coming home or coming home at early am hours. The sleeping till 1 or 2 in the afternoon when we were all working. The staying out all night when he had summer school we were paying for. I was angry and resentful and my son reached the point where he was not happy with a nagging Mom. Mid-summer last year we had a breakthrough. I stopped expecting him home but told him that I worry and I would appreciate knowing ahead of time or a text message if he knew he wasn’t coming home. This summer he is staying up at school for summer school. I am much happier. If he is up all night and drinking or not getting up for class I don’t have to see it.
What I have told all my kids is that I will support them if they are doing the next right thing. That may include school, medical treatment, mental health treatment. And as the supporting party I have a say in their living arrangements. I don’t feel I have a say in their sexual activity. I don’t have to allow it in my house. I don’t want to be paying room and board for anyone but my own kid.
Pick your battles. I also ask myself “How important is it?” Also don’t make threats you don’t intend to keep. I think you can’t make rules for a college jr. You can set boundaries and have conditions for your actions. In order to use the car and for us to pay your tuition you must get passing grades. If you drink and drive I will take the car. Not to punish you but to protect innocent people. Staying out with a boyfriend to late hours and not wanting to get up for class is what many people her age do. If she was away at school you wouldn’t see it. You can tell her how her behavior relates to you. You can explain that you don’t think she is not capable of taking care of herself but you are worried about the other crazy people out there. Instead of fighting I would compromise. A condition for the car use is getting up for class on her own. If she will be late let you know so you can go to bed. Have her come wake you up when she comes in if that helps. Or tell her you prefer her to stay at the bf versus drving at 4 am. Also regarding getting her up. Stop. She will suffer the consequences. When you do for her things that she should be doing for herself you send her the message that you don’t think she is capable. My mantra with my kids is “To not do something for them that they could do for themselves” This applies even if they ask or if it would be easier.</p>