<p>Momma-three, we have a neighbor who is a lawyer and he runs a check before every date his daughters have. Sometimes a gut feeling is all we have.</p>
<p>Nothing has warranty attached to it, nobody could be fully trusted, Even good people snapped, anything could happen, our influence is close to zero. They are away from home most of the time, how you control them then?</p>
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<p>Wow, so wrong in so many ways!</p>
<p>@mom60 – great post.</p>
<p>MDMom…Thankfully it was only this one guy I had a really bad feeling about. Your neighbor sounds like he has probably witnessed some nasty situations in the courts…maybe thats why he does that. I hope his daughter does’nt know what he is doing.</p>
<p>We live in kind of an urban area. I was just making the point that it could be worse. I would have no trouble running a background check on someone I had suspicions about.</p>
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<p>Good advice when dealing with kids of any age!</p>
<p>Question: Is it THAT easy to run a background check on anyone? Or are we doing nothing more than an internet search? An internet search would have spotlighted Joran vdS to a parent who felt there was something hinky about him…</p>
<p>When we “check people out” at work it’s with a for a fee service (really just a few to use a web site). It doesn’t cost much, however.</p>
<p>Picking your battles is very good advice. True story: many years ago when my SIL was 19 years old she was dating an lazy and unemployed loser, for lack of better words. Anyway, one day she called her mom, my MIL, and announced that they were getting married. My MIL responded with, “over my dead body.” Well, the next weekend my SIL, in her defiance, got married. It lasted 9 months and during that time he stole a lot of stuff from her and the family and pawned it off. My husband is still ticked off that a lot of his tools were stolen.</p>
<p>@ proud_mom – I bet your SIL learned a lot from this experience. Sometimes there is no substitute for the education we receive in Life 101.</p>
<p>I am so sorry that you and your daughter are going through this. My only advice is to make sure you always leave a door open for her to come back to. Whatever happens, over the years, you want her in your life. You may never like the way things turn out but you will always love her - so make sure she knows that. Cyber hugs to you.</p>
<p>sorry to hear about this. as homer bannon (melvyn douglas) said to his grandson lon (brandon de wilde) in the movie hud “young women just like to be around something dangerous sometimes.” lot of truth in that much to the chagrin of older / wiser women who forget how it was to be a reckless 20-year old, unless they weren’t. is she a fast learner?</p>
<p>^^^^^She is still 19 and won’t be 20 until 2011. I hope she will figure out how to do this the right way.</p>
<p>Pea: Yea, the next husband was employed, but her third was unemployed for the first five years or so of marriage.</p>
<p>Just don’t push her by trying to control her. At this age kids sometimes cut off their nose in spite of their face just to defy parents. Act like you accept her life and keep your doors open. Maybe a little reverse psychology will work.</p>
<p>Mommathree- At this point, I would NOT initiate contact with your D. Let her come to you.</p>
<p>I play bridge weekly with a group of ladies and over the years, each of us have experienced breaking off contact with a child, from 2 weeks to over a year. The ages range from 19-35. So, calm down, she will eventually come to you. Our kids all did. They all have reconnected with us when they were ready. Seek a therapist for yourself; all the worrying won’t get her back, she will contact you when she is ready and there’s nothing you can do. </p>
<p>Just wait.</p>
<p>I think what I was saying that even if she does it wrong (and at 19 who does it right all of the time), you will always love her and want her in your life, somehow… so, make sure you don’t shut the door on her totally, as difficult as that may be.</p>
<p>Momma Three- what do you ultimately want for your D? I don’t know the history but I have dealt with some pretty severe depression in one of my kids. When my D was depressed she certainly was not able to go to school and have any relationships. I was happy for her to get out of bed. Your D may be depressed but she is at least trying to live a life. It might not be exactly the life you want for her but she is living.
19 almost 20 is a terrible age to be living at home. I would bet in spite of loving you and being grateful for your support she also feels an intense need to make some of her own decisions.
You gave your D and ultimatum. She took you seriously. She decided to leave over following your rules. You now must decide if this is the battle you want to fight. Is this the battle you want to lose your relationship with your D over. Only you and your H can decide that. You can not wrap her in cotton. She will make mistakes. You want a relationship where she is able to make some mistakes but know that you still love her and that your home is a safe place. That doesn’t mean being a doormat and letting her walk all over you. I always have said Depression is not an excuse for rude behavior or good manners.
Maybe the thing to do is work out some arrangement where she could live outside of your home. You could offer a sum of money you are comfortable with towards her room and board with the strings that she attend therapy weekly and attend school with enough units to stay on your health insurance. You could even add that she come for dinner every Sunday. She could rent a room in a house. It doesn’t have to be expensive. If she was away at college you would helping her pay some of her expenses.</p>
<p>I’m not sensing that mamma three is open to advice that does not confirm her thinking on this subject.</p>
<p>^^^^Redroses you are wrong about that.</p>
<p>I have not indicated that I am unwilling to discuss options. I have just stated what the current facts are. I think I have given full disclosure so that I could hear recommendations by others. </p>
<p>I just don’t agree with the idea that I did something wrong when I sensed trouble and had a criminal check done. I had my reasons and unfortunately it turned out to be correct.</p>