<p>I don’t think anyone is blaming yor for doing that. But all of your comments since the OP have followed those who completely agree with your stance here. Many have weighed in to say that perhaps you need to relax and get some counseling and that it is a good idea for your daughter and you to get some space, but we have not seen you comment positively on those thoughts.</p>
<p>No comment has been made because I attended half of her therapy sessions at the request of her and therapist. I assumed things were fine until the night she just decided to do what she wanted after being gone for days. I just don’t what else I could do other than give her my support as she goes off on her own. I am not opposed to this just the way she is doing it.</p>
<p>I’m abit of a control freak. OK I’m a pretty big control freak. One of the hardest things I’ve done in my life after actually getting married to someone was raising the kids. Every milestone was traumatic but none so much as the “letting go part.” I think I’ve done well but I’m a mom who is a much better wife, mother to the other two and person when my rising senior son is NOT at home. He’s fully formed. He’s not going to do or be exactly what I want and no amount of will on my part is going to change him now. He’s a good kid, a good student and a whole bunch of other “good things.” That’s my mantra when he’s home It’s tough but I can handle it. </p>
<p>The OP needs to find an place where she and her D can co-exist but the OP also has to realize that she cannot control the situation much if any longer. I have a very good friend who is ten times the control freak than I am and her marriage deteriorated to divorce and her early twenties children are alienated from her because she just could not give it up. Everyone advised her to go to counseling but she could not see that she was not handling things well personally and thought quite the opposite, that the only way things would turn out right was if she ratcheted up the controls. </p>
<p>I watched it all happen and it was very sad. She went from being the archtypical mom-mom giving up her career for the kids, running the house, overseeing the kids and their school work, being active in the school, keeping a tight leash on the kids so they didn’t get into any teen trouble all the usual great-mom “stuff” which she did wonderfully… to not being able to let grown and independent mid to late teens/college kids make decisions on their own because they weren’t “her decisions.” She refused everyone’s advice.</p>
<p>OP no one here is saying your D is right or wrong or that you are right or wrong. Many are saying that they can hear in your posts that it would be a good thing for you to find someone outside the family dynamics who can objectively help you find the ground that will enable you and your D to maintain a good relationship.</p>
<p>momofthreeboys…I hear what you are saying and I will work on that. The one thing I don’t want to see happen is that I lose my daughter. I do not have these issues with my other kids so I am baffled as to why they exist with my daughter. All of my sons are open and honest and that has made the difference. I just don’t do well with lies and deceit. My daughter has a history of this which had put a strain on things. I have always told my kids that the truth I could handle the lies will damage the trust. I have a great relationship with my sons because we can talk about anything and they know that what I have to say is because I love them. I don’t want to control my daughter I just don’t want to see her get AIDS. Her sexual past has been a source of pain and I just don’t know how to handle that. I understand why it may sound controlling to many of you but how do I accept behavior that is so far from how she has been raised.</p>
<p>Well, I don’t have a daughter. I think about that often. My mother was a control freak so when I left for college I never came back for more than a week or two and left the state shortly after graduation. She would not let me go anywhere in a car on Fridays or Saturdays. She would not let me ride a horse, or do anything she perceived might put me in harms way. It was suffocating. If I was out when I was home from college she’d be sitting on the couch waiting for me even if it was 1 or 2 in the morning and I was with a girlfriend. I just needed to get away. We are still close and she can still push my buttons, but the ten years I lived far from her gave us both a breather I think. I know I did things in my college years that would have put her in her grave but the pendulum swung and the lessons were learned even if not followed for a few years. I know now what I didn’t know then about the mother lion instincts. </p>
<p>I often wonder what the dynamic would have been had I a daughter…would I have been like my mother or would I have been the opposite. Boys do have a very good ability to “tune out” and use “selective hearing”…which drives me crazy the more I try to move them the less they hear… but that innate ability to hear what they want to hear keeps the family unit in tact I guess! Plus boys love their mothers no matter what…those big NFL football players always say “hi mom” far more often than you hear one say “hi dad.”</p>
<p>yes, the dynamics between mother and daughter are quite different and more challenging…I have two sons and a daughter. I understand how hard it is to balance the vigilance with the letting go when dealing with your daughter who has demonstrated difficulty with judgment, and is struggling with issues. However one factor that can sometimes be forgotten is the relationship between the two of you. Getting caught up in monitoring behavior you lose the relationship. </p>
<p>If you can find your own unique way to maintain the closeness, be it through humor, through physical affection, through shared activities, you can become and remain a sounding board to your young adult daughter. but if you judge and try to control you lose the connection, which is critical. it’s tough but I find I can offer my opinion on a choice she’s grappling with and while she may initially balk and think I’m off the wall, invariably she processes it, and then often makes that choice her own. but I offer it as my opinion, as a mom, a woman, and one with good life experience, aka old fart. I tell her when I’m scared of bad outcomes and she recognizes I just saw that earlier than she might have, and she even thanks me for it. </p>
<p>I sympathize but also agree with other posters, let her know you love her, and keep the door open, invite her to consult with you when she’s read and try to figure this out together</p>
<p>I truly sympathize with you, OP, for you are clearly in a lot of pain and are worried sick about your daughter, whom you clearly love a lot. So the last thing I want to do is to be judgemental and say something unpleasant that would increase your pain. </p>
<p>But I think you need to take that first step and acknowledge to yourself: You are part of the problem. Later, if you can get back in touch with your daughter, you could take the next step and acknowledge this to her too. Of course, she is also part of the problem, and it is possible she will not admit that, but she is only 19. It is very hard for a 19 year old girl to admit that she is at fault.</p>
<p>Good luck, and I hope your daughter is safe and well.</p>
<p>We all tip toe with daughters I think. Mine call me on everything in the way sons don’t. Great joys, great trials.</p>
<p>I moved out of my mom’s home when I was 19 years old. I just couldn’t stand her constant controlling nature any longer. I was self supporting and never asked for a dime. We never had a “close” relationship after that. Hers was a similar thing…she said “if you go to see your boyfriend again, don’t come back.” So…I didn’t…I never lived with her again. </p>
<p>You know, your daughter will grow up very quickly if you allow her to be independent and make her own decisions. You may not like them, but heavens…how many parents KNOW all of the decisions their kids are making? Most kids don’t share every decision they make and most parents don’t want to know. </p>
<p>I know you are concerned and want to protect your daughter from harm. My guess is my own mom felt the same way. But being away from that controlling environment gave me the freedom to grow that I never was allowed while living at home. I do not regret my decision to permanently move out at all. It all worked out fine.</p>
<p>Sometimes people do not live together very well. (I’m not saying this is the case with you and your D, just making an observation.) Sometimes, really ALL times, these dynamics develop between two people, so that it is highly unlikely your overprotectiveness developed in a vacuum. Your daughter has been exceedingly dependent on you guys for a while, now. And so, you absolutely ROSE to the occaison and did a great job of being there, in an emergency situation, which you were facing a year ago.</p>
<p>It is difficult not to get tossed back into that place where it feels like an emergency…I know your daughter was having problems far beyond, boy I’d like to go dancing tonight, and it was pretty life or death for a while there. So, your body goes into that mode again and your adrenaline gets racing and the mind follows all of that top of the spine information and now you feel as if it is the same as last year.</p>
<p>Who know, maybe it is.</p>
<p>At some point, and this is really, really easy for anyone to say and much harder to do, you are going to have to forget about taking care of your parents and forget about taking care of your daughter and start to take care of you. If I was working with you and your D as your counselor, I would say, “Mom, every time you catch yourself thinking about your daughter, you need to STOP and start thinking about yourself and what you want to do and what you can do.” You need to make a list of things you want to do with yourself, for yourself, old dreams, new dreams, an “If everything were perfect, I’d _____” list, so that you know what to think about and do instead of your daughter.</p>
<p>I would say to your daughter, every time you get in trouble and think, “I’ll get mom and dad to _____________,” you need to stop and make a list of everything YOU can do for yourself.</p>
<p>But since I’m not your counselor, I’m offering you this free advice, which may well be worth every penny you paid for it, but maybe it will help. Good luck to you. I’m sorry in an earlier thread I joked around about daughters and going out. I didn’t actually understand how serious you were. You need counseling.</p>
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<p>momma-three, in this quote from your post #84 I have italicized statements that make me think that a therapist could really be useful to you. </p>
<p>It must be extremely hard to accept or at least deal with behaviors that are so alien to how she was raised and to what you so strongly feel to be essential building blocks for her happy future life. I haven’t read all of the posts and I don’t know if you are seeing a therapist, but, if not, I’d really encourage you to try therapy–or, if you are already using a therapist, to consider working on these fundamental questions with her/him.</p>
<p>Poetgirl…thankyou
I will try that </p>
<p>ADAD…yes I have worked with a therapist and the therapist suggested that I encourage my daughter to leave because of the situation. I had stopped going about six months ago when I started to go with my daughter to some of her sessions. I guess it is time to go back because I just don’t recognize what I am doing that is causing this. I really think I have tried to create a relationship where my daughter could talk to me and she did talk about important stuff. This blow up came after she was gone for days and just pushed the button when I asked her to be home by 11:00 when she had class the next day and I had to get up very early.</p>
<p>Years ago (the 70’s) I was asked to leave the family home for not respectng their rules. I did, and led quite a different life than they would have liked. I used to call home once a year, and the first question I was asked was “What state are you in?” Fast forward and I had my child in my 30’s, my mom is now my best friend, and I can’t imagine not talking to her on a daily basis. Things change, children change and grow up. I’m sure it is hard, but have patience, it will most likely happen for you. Best wishes.</p>
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<p>OP, I’m sorry you’re going through such a tough situation. Many years ago, my early-20s cousin quit school because of lack of focus, dabbling in substances very popular at the time, and perhaps some issues with depression.</p>
<p>She did get a job, but began partying and spending most of the night at her BF’s apt, returning home around 6 or 7 am.</p>
<p>This was not only morally objectionable to her parents, it was downright embarrassing to them to have the neighbors head out into their driveways for the morning paper, just in time to see my cousin (clearly in last night’s bartending uniform)<br>
stroll into the house.</p>
<p>Long story short, they said, “this is unacceptable to us”, she said, “Then I’m outta here,” and left. She spent a tough next year or so learning about the realities of adult life and the consequences of one’s own decisions.</p>
<p>Did they worry about her? All the time. Did they back down and say, you can come back home and live as you were?". No. As hard as that was for them, and as much as they saw her take serious risks, make bad choices, and sometimes disappear completely, they stuck to their guns. I could be wrong, but it sounds like you know that this is what you need to do, too. As much as you love her and want what’s best for her, you can’t rescue someone who doesn’t want to be rescued.</p>
<p>My cousin was lucky enough
to do some maturing and learning from mistakes. Although even today, decades later, her life is not free of some degree of turmoil and immaturity.</p>
<p>I hope your situation resolves itself more easily. Trust your instincts, be strong, control your own behavior, knowing that you can’t control hers. In the end, that’s all any of us can do. I hope you find peace with this.</p>
<p>While I may or may not agree with much that the OP said I send you my hugs as well. Whether she was wrong, has huge anxiety issues, control issues and more the OP is suffering.</p>
<p>I have three very different children. They are, as I sense the OP’s children are, in a way privileged, sheltered, and in my mind, not street saavy. And they handle things differently.</p>
<p>BUT at 18 your child is a legal adult. You have to treat her as such. You can’t be with her, much as you would like to, run interference and be her bodyguard. I have found that NOT asking questions leads to their talking to me and telling what is going on. You have to respect some of her choices so that she will feel empowered to make better choices. If you constantly tell her she’s wrong, she’ll be hurt, or that she’s damaged (we have lots of ADD and some depression in our family so I know) the result will be either anger, rebellion or she could become totally incompetant. And that is the last thing you want.</p>
<p>And since I have had plenty of friends who have older kids who challenged them everyday…most have had their kids come “home” to them with better relationships than before. (My mother read a book that I found in her library called something like…First my child now my friend. I never knew that she had problems dealing with my maturation until I found carefully marked chapters. Very wise woman my mom.</p>
<p>I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this…some kids are just “runners” when it suits them (ie. when they want to make their own decisions, don’t want to do something being asked, etc.) but most have a plan and know they’ll be safe. Not talking about the kids from abusive homes, teen runaways, etc. but kids like your D who have solid, caring friends and don’t have substance abuse problems. As always, there’s two sides to the story and the right answer lies somewhere in the middle. Unfortunately, a lot of teens cannot articulate what their point of view is, they choose to run and let their actions speak for themselves. They usually return, emotionally if not physically, as soon as they feel like their point has been made (or if they’re faced with eviction and don’t want to put themselves in unsafe situations). Right now her friends are home and it’s summer so she wants to hang out and have fun (were the summer classes her idea?). She likely knows this is a limited-time offer and so there’s an ulterior motive to her choosing to run now, with little provocation. She may have every intention of coming back home to live when they leave for school and, by calling her, you’re clearly signalling that you want her back so she probably thinks she’s won and it’ll all work out fine. The question is, are you willing to lose this battle (control) to have her back home again? Are you and your H going to really listen to her concerns and respect the fact that she finds some of your rules to be intolerable, even though they may be perfectly reasonable to your mind? Heartfelt compromise is usually the way to a peaceful co-existence and the way other posters deal with their young adults being out late should provide some ideas for a middle ground.</p>
<p>Since you know and trust the BF, can one of you call/text him and, without putting him in the middle, ask him to send you, your H, or one of her brothers, a “she’s ok” text every day or two so you can sleep? He sounds like a stand-up kid and would probably interpret this as a fair request. He may even agree to meet with one of her brothers, or arrange a meeting with your D…I would send the one she’s closest to and shares her secrets with. At this point, it’s just about keeping some family contact there and her brothers may be the key as they understand the family dynamic, are of the same generation, and can say, “yeah, Mom’s a little nuts with the rules sometimes, but here’s how I keep her happy and live my own life…”, or something to that effect. Then he can focus on hearing what her current situation is, what her plans are, what she needs, etc…</p>
<p>Good luck…please remember you’re not alone in dealing with this and, despite the headlines, most of the time these situations work themselves out and with no real harm done. Hopefully she’ll mature a bit in her “time off” and return to the flock with more understanding of what it takes to be truly independent (and appreciation for whatever help/support her parents give her along the way).</p>
<p>“Just pushed the button when I asked her to be home by 11:00 when she had class the next day and I had to get up very early.”</p>
<p>Momma-three, I don’t think you did anything to cause this. It sounds like your daughter and you needed a break from each other. But, don’t you see how the quoted expectation seems unreasonable to an adult child? Isn’t it time that she learned time management? Don’t all our college kids stay out/up late despite early classes? They often take naps to catch up on sleep but it’s up to them to schedule their lives. Of course, it’s your right to set up house rules for anyone living in the house. But, don’t be surprised if the adults in your house rebel if you treat them like they’re in high school.</p>
<p>Mom3 - I am thinking of you today. Please take care of yourself.<br>
I was wondering what your hubby thinks about what is going on? What is he saying?</p>
<p>Momma-three-Does your daughter know that you have posted SO MUCH information about her life on a public site that everyone can read? Not just once , but several threads worth of troubles? Please, give her some privacy to spread her wings and get a therapist for yourself to talk to.</p>
<p>Momma three,</p>
<p>No advice, just sorry to hear this.</p>