<p>"It lasted 9 months and during that time he stole a lot of stuff from her and the family and pawned it off. My husband is still ticked off that a lot of his tools were stolen. "</p>
<p>Wow! Did your SIL ever apologize or try to make some kind of restitution to the family?</p>
<p>Regarding my daughters privacy post #99…No one would recognize who she is because no one knows what is going on. There is not a single person that I have discussed this with.</p>
<p>GT Alum…It was only because she had not been home for three full days and nights that I asked that she be home at a decent time. I understand the need for freedom but not childlike beahavior of I want what I want. There really was not a need to come home so late that night other than to create a situation. She accomplished what she knew she wanted to do. I am prepared to let her go now…and pray that she lives her life with some of the values that we taught her. I still think once the friends are back at school and boyfriend is gone she will wonder why she did what she did. I just can’t believe my daughter pulled such a stupid stunt. I think I am just now starting to calm down from all of the drama and now I could see things a little clearer. She needs to grow up and unfortunately that may mean she makes some mistakes. I think I will be praying alot more in the next few months.</p>
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<p>Please find someone, even if only a therapist, to talk to about this. Support and friendships and getting on with your own life, a sense of humor. Just, you know, not to walk around with all of this by yourself would be so much healthier for you.</p>
<p>Really, good luck.</p>
<p>ellemenope’s post #13 says it all. Stay calm, and congratulate your D on her adulthood, which includes, of course, financial responsibility for herself. Anything less than that just encourages her to remain a child, but pretend to behave as an adult. Be kind but firm. Good luck letting go, but that is what is needed for both of you.</p>
<p>Some folks would report the car as stolen.</p>
<p>“There really was not a need to come home so late that night other than to create a situation.”</p>
<p>Which is exactly why she did it. Again, you did nothing wrong, it’s just a kid trying to grow up her way independent from her mom. These kinds of catalysts are bound to happen when adult children live with their parents. Some kids are just more laid back than others and handle house rules without problems. I wish I had one. This is why S is working in another state for the summer 
Everyone is happier.</p>
<p>Momma-three, I support you in your decision. I don’t see this so much as your D breaking house rules, but rather as showing a consistent pattern of violating your core values and your feelings about how family members treat one another.</p>
<p>If she were younger, it would be different, but the stakes are higher when they involve cars, phones, tuition, inappropriate (criminal) boyfriends (that one’s in the past, I know)and general disrespect of the family’s lifestyle and values. This affects your husband and sons, as well as you, and clearly is very distressing to your own peace of mind and sense of what is right.</p>
<p>I encourage you to talk with a trusted friend or counselor and post here again for support. Best of luck to you.</p>
<p>My two cents…</p>
<p>I would not have this young woman live again in your home unless she has changed dramatically. That will not happen for a long time, so I think you have to accept that you have entered a new era. She’s out on her own now. I would argue that it will be better for you parents, and possibly better for her.</p>
<p>Some young people do better out on their own. Difficult to believe but true. We parents are terrified of worst case scenarios if young adults flee the nest too early, but older kids who live at home can still be victims of the very worst that our imaginations can conjure (at their own hands or someone else’s). Yes, ideally a nineteen year old is on a safe college campus or living at home. However, some kids really do have a wild seed inside of them that makes them behave worse, and take more risks, unless they have no one to report to but themselves. Now if a young person has a serious mental illness, I would have a different opinion. </p>
<p>As for the car, I do not believe she should be given that. Your goal is to make her suffer the consequences of her actions, to raise her bottom, yet at the same time support anything that could move her forward toward maturity. In the real world, you do not get to mistreat people and then get something worth thousands of dollars (while still footing the bill monthly for insurance). Getting a car for free does not make someone grow up.</p>
<p>A young adult making poor decisions should not have control of a 3500-pound movable mass which is in YOUR name. You really do not have an option here. To protect yourself legally, you need to take that car back. Should something awful happen, a civil lawsuit will easily finger you and your husband for allowing this car to be in the hands of someone you should have known was not responsible enough to have it.</p>
<p>Your daughter needs to either use her boyfriend’s car or rent an apartment close to public transportation. That’s what adults do who do not have cars.</p>
<p>Do not report the car as stolen. Find a clever way to get it back and lock it up. Find out where she is and go and take it. Exception to this advice would be if you know she has a problem with addiction. Jail time and a record are reasonable things if you find yourself in that world. </p>
<p>I would pay for the rest of her school. Why not? Ultimately, you want her to do well, and you want a relationship with your child in the long run. Tell her you will pay for room and board if she lives on a college campus and enrolls full time. You would have done that anyway, right? I would even pay for room and board if she is enrolled full time in college and lives with her boyfriend. I am ready for other parents to flame me for that. I just think that if she is so enamored that this is the only way she will do school, then so be it. As long as you are getting proof that she is attending, who cares if she is shacking up? Well, Dr. Laura does, But I am not Dr. Laura. You can fund board by having groceries delivered to her apartment. This way you control what she spends her money on. If she wants spending money, cable, an evening out, etc., she will need to have a job. If she does not want to go to school full time, you don’t pay room and board.</p>
<p>With a kid like this, you have to ask yourself what you are supporting, the mess or the recovery? Funding school, and making sure you see the grades at the end of every semester, is positive. Paying for health care, including counseling, is supporting the recovery (recovery in her case meaning being a functional adult with healthy family relationships). Paying for her phone is also supportive of her recovery (she can retain social contacts, talk to family when she is willing to again, and work because you really need a phone for that). </p>
<p>I think it is ok if your daughter starts talking to you again because she needs financial support of some kind (it can evolve from there, and just being in contact with you is so very important). If you are wise in giving it, you can still push her in the right direction even when she is not living under your roof. Her $4000 should be used first for everything, I would add.</p>
<p>Last bit of advice… I would start using phrases like:</p>
<p>“I trust you to know what is best for you”</p>
<p>Yeah, you might not really feel that. But it is a magical thing to say. I would smother her with love, tell you what YOU are willing to do, and no longer tell her what you think she should do. You will pay for this, if she does that. Without any drama. Lots of love, and some healthy detachment. If you change the game, meaning your side of it, the relationship will change. </p>
<p>Other than these things, and forgive me if this isn’t your type of thing, you need to leave this child at God’s feet. Pray frequently, and surrender to trusting that He has His arms wrapped around her. It will all be OK.</p>
<p>Spideygirl - Well said.
Poetgirl - Amazing advise.</p>
<p>Mom3 - I am thinking of you tonight and hoping you are getting good sleep.</p>
<p>Poetgrl: Post 90 is excellent.
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<p>An excellent antidote for co-dependant parents whose young adult children are, for whatever reason, not on the right track.</p>
<p>^^^^ These words will remain in my mind everytime I am about to say “you could do, or you should do, or I would do it this way”. It is time for me to step back and realize that she needs to do this and she needs to do it her way. I was really proud of what she accomplished this past year but I did’nt see that she did not want to live here anymore. Now, I see things clearly and realize I can’t continue to live with her. I am very worried and will worry more once the safety nets are gone (her friends and boyfriend). At that point she is on her own to do this her way. I can only hope that the way she was raised will ring in her mind. </p>
<p>Spideygirl and so many others…your post have been wonderful with so much good advice. I have heard every word and even the perspectives of those I do not agree with have been very useful. I have read through the post over and over to see what I should have done differently and the problem has been that I was afraid of what could have happened. This is not irrational given the past history however she is doing what she wants to do wheather we agree or not.</p>
<p>For those of you with few words but messages of warmth and kindness…thankyou. We are all parents and understand that the one thing we all share is that we want our kids to be happy. </p>
<p>My daughter made contact with only one of her brothers…the one that only called her twice. I guess that is very telling too. Each of our sons have discussed with us the need to let her go as well as letting her figure it all out on her own. She has asked for her meds…thank God. As far as her money, I am not comfortable giving her all of this money until she secures a place to live. That money will burn very quickly on meals out and entertainment. I do not think I could part with this right now because if she goes through it she is likely to say that she made a mistake and now needs to come home…probably when all the friends are gone. How do I know this? It is something she would do to get back home once she is alone. I think she needs to experience what it is to be alone and how to think for herself. </p>
<p>The car situation is concerning and I am not comfortable having her on my policy. We have not decided how to handle the insurance yet. It just seems like so many things to consider in a short span of time… The school situation, apartment, car, clothes, food, cell phone, utilities. If we continue to pay for everything than she just got what she wanted…a free ride without any responsibilties. I am just not sure if that is best right now. There needs to be a line drawn on what we will do and not do.</p>
<p>Do not continue to pay for things. We titled the car over so they would have one and then told them since they no longer lived at home and the car was not ours they were now responsible for it. Told them when it would happen and then took it off our insurance. Gave them notice as to when phone would come off our plan and they could get a new number or transfer theirs. School was conditioned on continuing good grades, not living at home. </p>
<p>If she is not talking to you, we did this by email with S1 who had dropped out of our life. Yes it was hard. Yes it temporarily drive the wedge further. But he learned how hard it was to afford everything he wanted and came up with his own solutions. I can only tell you now he is close to us. Lives in another state but always calls home. The separation is a rite of passage that is harder with some than with others. But all have to get there.</p>
<p>Momofthreeboys… Regarding post 87…It is true what you say about sons. My sons would never purposely hurt me. They are very different than my own relationship with my daughter or many of the mom-daughter relationships that I have seen. My sons have always wanted to spend time with us and now that two of them are gone this summer they seem to need to come in and reconnect with us. Last year it was groups of kids around the fire pit and now it is the family sitting around the firepit. They discuss their plans for senior year and post graduation, the ladies they are dating and even their workout routine. It is such a wonderful feeling to see all of our sons becoming men and very fine men at that. Our daughter has been given the groundwork to be a wonderful young woman but she forgets that we are the ones that are always there for her. Our sons have never forgotton a single thing and are full of memories of every adventure we took them, their happy childhood, and every conversation we have. They are so very loving and kind…their appreciation for both their dad and I have made it so easy to have a great relationship. Our daughter makes us feel like we owe her every part of ourselves and has no problem making us feel like what we are, will never be enough. I have realized after two years of taking care of my father that this may be a trait that she will always have…the inabilty to be gracious or appreciative. My father is a wonderful man and he was a great father growing up but he lacked appreciation for his good fortune. Some people just don’t have it for some reason. My dad is writing a book about his life and it is so interesting that his most precious memories are those of Everest and the rest of the world. He seems to have forgotton my mother and his children, and the story lacks the heart that really made him the complete man. His book will be a story for those seeking to live vicariously through his journey but I can’t help but wonder if the missing pieces will be obvious.</p>
<p>I hope my daughter will be able to reflect on her life right now and recognize that she has a family who loves her and only wants what is best for her. I don’t expect perfection…she has made choices and some mistakes. I hope that she could remember that being 19 does not mean that you turn your back on the people that love you and would do just about anything to see you be the best person you could be.</p>
<p>I have been following this thread. Few times I wanted to post, but this is such a tough situation that I didn’t want to say something without thinking it through. A lot of people have given good advice on this thread. I think it is also time to let her go, to allow her to be on her own and grow up. </p>
<p>As a mom, I want to send you warm wishes and hope it works out for you and your daughter. I know she has put you through a lot. I was my parents’ problem child, but I was the oldest, so I was the trailblazer.</p>
<p>^^^^ thankyou Oldfort</p>
<p>My three sons just went to pick up my daughter at her boyfriends parents house because they were all going to go to the beach today. When they got there she grabbed her clothes from them and told them she was going with her boyfriend and his friends. They said she seems frenetic and very nervous. She dropped her purse and her stuff fell out and she became undone. She also did not hug and kiss them as she usually does and was very cold. They said the beach thing was a ploy to get the rest of her clothes and bathing suits but obvious that she had no intention of connecting with them.</p>
<p>A few suggestions that might be of value-
regarding the car- if the car is in your name and you have an extra set of keys you could go to the BF’s house in the middle of the night and take the car back. You can change the lock so she doesn’t steal it back or take the car to a location that is unknown to your D. In some areas the local police will go pick up the car for you. (a friend had this done when her son who was an addict relapsed) They did not report the car as stolen. I might let her know at some point that she may have the car back if she does certain things. If the situition gets so bad that you feel you do not want her to have a car at all consider selling the car. That sends a hugely powerful message.</p>
<p>Money if she goes to school and gets an apartment or rents a room. Groceries- instead of giving her cash that she can spend anywhere you can give her giftcards to the grocery store. Toiletries and other items you might be willing to pay for- order them and have them sent to her from amazon or drugstore.com.
Wachovia Visa Buxx- designed for HS students but works for any age. You set the account up as the parent. Kid has the card. You fund. The funding can be done from home via computer and credit card. You get an email each day where the money is being spent. You can also restrict the amount of cash being withdrawn each week.
Dr bills/pharmacy bills. Have her give your home address as the billing address for Dr’s. The bills are sent to you instead of you giving your D money to pay for them. To pay for meds you can set up an account with Walgreens that is linked to your credit card. It can only be used for meds.
Your D is wanting what she wants when she wants it. Don’t reward bad behavior. Be careful how you would things. Praise the positive. A great counselor once pointed out to me that my D felt I was critical of her. Even when I said positive things my D did not hear the positive but only the negative that came after the praise with the addition of BUT. So if you find yourself saying something like "I am really glad you called your brothers, BUT I would appreciate it if you called me as well. She only hears what has been said after the BUT. She doesn’t hear the positive.</p>
<p>^^^^ She has let us know that she is attending the final class for her associates degree. It will be finished in a couple of weeks. The car will then be returned to us until she has money for her own insurance and at that point I will turn it over to her. I will not continue to pay that. I agree with everything else you said regarding food, meds, toiletries and possibly even the phone. She is on her own for rent and expenses related to renting her own place. I just can’t allow her to think that we will bail her out all the time. She needs to handle this now.</p>
<p>But if you want her to handle this, shouldn’t you give her complete access to HER money? Or at least a portion of it?</p>
<p>Yes she will get her money when she has her own place with roommates or whatever… I told her that I ill gladly give it to her when she has a workable plan. She is making a little money right now that should be getting her by for fast foods and gas. The only reason I am not giving it to her now is that she will spend through it and be back on my doorstep. That is not going to go over with her attitude right now. She needs to go through the process of figuring this out without our help so it is she who could be proud of herself if this works.</p>
<p>momma-three- what were your D’s education plans for the fall. If she is finishing up her AA degree this summer does she have transfer plans? Or was the plan all along that she would get work?</p>