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<p>I think I am way over two cents at this point, but I just want to add that I think a young person who is enrolled full-time in classes, and has to work part-time for all her spending money, does have adequate responsibilities. The line drawn could be you paying for nothing but room, food, phone, and health care (no car). All of it can be paid directly to the various places, meaning not a dime of yours will be in her hands. AND, that $4000 goes to pay for a deposit on housing and tuition before a dime of yours is added. That brings her net worth to zero, which will make her more vulnerable to your gentle redirection. It will also force her to invest in that school commitment, since the money she loses will be a lot of her own.</p>
<p>Perhaps the win-win could be that she does get some of what she wants, but not all of it? Really letting a kid go means beginning to accept choices we do not like, perhaps even shacking up for the most stubborn of kids. Flame away parents who disagree. I cannot argue with you, I can just present what my little world has shown me. If I thought for a minute that Dr. Laura’s approach would derail your daughter form doing this, I would be all for it. My experience in the world tells me otherwise. Your kid is bold. She split and had the courage to go out on her own. Those ■■■■■■■ can serve her well in the future – I have seen this in action. </p>
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<p>I would let her figure out how to get to class from an apartment – let her grow up in the way that she knows how. Kids can get derailed when we mess up their choices for moving forward. Motivation may very well come from her being on her own. If she fails out, she will lose her $4000 that she spent on tuition.</p>
<p>Some kids are so stubborn it is bizarre. They will cut off their own noses as they say (in your daughter’s case, perhaps refusing to go to school unless she can live with her friends). If you suspect her behavior will truly be worse in an apartment, then perhaps you really should not fund it. If the reason, though, is that you resent her tactics, I would suggest you let that resentment go. At many colleges, dorms can be far more dicey in terms of what a kid is exposed to. Living with a less than stellar boyfriend and not being enrolled at school is worse. Being on campus at least for classes will provide constant exposure to a variety of peers, some of whom could perhaps be a catalyst for choices you might prefer.</p>
<p>Is it possible that for your daughter, who is prone to depression, being in a dorm is stress-inducing? There can be a lot of social pressure in a dorm. Perhaps, and I am just trying to be optimistic here, she feels more emotionally safe off campus with chosen friends? It certainly is possible.</p>
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I disagree. These ARE normal circumstances, from what you have shared. Teens really are major P.I.T.A’s sometimes. Some run away. Some shack up. Some drop out. Some are horrible to their parents (I was one who was a total brat; I took total care of my ailing mom for years later in life while my well-behaved siblings were too busy to do a darn thing for her). Some kids mess the nest quite a bit. This is not abnormal. If you are around people who have perfect kids, or who only want you to think that they do, find some other people to surround yourself with right now because what you are seeing is not real. Even here on CC, it seems like so many people have these perfect kids with stellar GPA’s. Not everyone presents themselves that way, but sometimes we tend to only look at people whose lives seem perfect. Remember, we are comparing out insides with their outsides.</p>
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I agree that she does need to learn how to get along with people, but if she has friends she can live with and a boyfriend, let’s look on the positive side. She is getting along with people, just not with family. And yes, that stinks. On the other hand, her job right now is really to break with home, and find her way in the world. Ideally, this should be less of a messy process, but not every kid is smooth about it. I would say that if, over the next ten years, you very gradually repair your relationship with her, you can declare the sum total as a smashing success. You and your daughter don’t need to get along right now for things to be “normal”. That would be ideal, but it just isn’t necessary for your ultimate goal to happen, which is that she grows into a functional, self-sufficient, healthy, and happy adult.</p>
<p>As I mentioned in my previous post, if you suspect substance abuse is involved in this situation, my advice would be entirely different. When you mention that she reminds you of your father, I am wondering how. Some of what you describe sounds like the behavior of a kid who is struggling with addiction. On the other hand, I have met some kids who don’t have this problem at all and are just little hellions. I will tell you about two of them.</p>
<p>I have a good friend who ran away at FIFTEEN! Her mother was the nicest person in the world, but my friend ran away from home and hitchhiked to her BF’s college a few states away. She married someone who shocked her parents. He was previously quite wild himself and is much older. Her parents were very successful and just had no clue that things would turn out as they did. She makes well over a million a year today and runs a gigantic business. Her spouse has always been a stay-at-home dad and has done a fantastic job. She went to a “meh” college and he has no degree. This wild child took meticulous care of her parents in their old age. She has received huge honors as a businessperson and a philanthropist on the local, state, and national level. In her teen years, her mother must have clenched her Rosary beads and prayed. I did have the opportunity to get to know this woman before she died, and she was very chilled out and spiritual. It was a good personality match for my wild-child friend.</p>
<p>Another good friend walked out on her mom at sixteen, and never returned to her home. She is now an executive with a well-respected firm, and has a stay-at-home husband as well. Another high-achiever. He also did not get even a four-year degree. He is another spectacular parent who is doing an amazing job at home. Unfortunately, this friend does not include her mother in her life. The mother never could stop herself from giving gratuitous advice, criticizing, and trying to exert control. It is so very sad. She has not seen her grand kids in years and years. There are brothers, and as time has gone on they have found a better relationship with this former wild child and less so with their mother. All the adult kids are to varying extents estranged from this poor woman. I don’t necessarily agree with my friend’s decision to cut her mom out, but I offer the story it as it is. I always try and keep this in front of me when I interact with my transitioning kids, so I am sharing it with the best of intentions. I don’t want it to happen to me.</p>
<p>Whatever you decide to do, ultimately you daughter’s success and failure will be up to her. You have been a good parent, and you have shown her the way. The rest is up to her.</p>