<p><em>bear hug</em>. This won’t be easy, but that looks like an excellent plan of action. Come back and talk to us if you need some online support! We’ll be here for you.</p>
<p>I haven’t posted because I haven’t had anything to add but good luck to you momma-three and it does look like a good plan.</p>
<p>Momma-three, your plan sounds healthy and productive. You go, girl!</p>
<p>I’m sorry to be harping on Aspergers, but you do know it runs in families, right? I guess I’m thinking that we ought to have a different attitude to someone who can’t recognize emotions and body language, than to someone who can recognize emotions and body language, but selfishly ignores others’ feelings.</p>
<p>Lurking but haven’t posted as I have not walked in these shoes…wishing M3 the best in dealing with all of this.
JEM: Thanks for moderating!</p>
<p>" am not sleeping well and things are getting more difficult. My daughter thinks she has found a place to live but she does not have a job or a plan. "</p>
<p>BTDT so I speak from the experience of being a mother of a an adult offspring who was worrying me so much that I ended up hospitalized with symptoms caused by depression.</p>
<p>I finally realized that I couldn’t control my adult offspring, and I wasn’t responsible for the life that he had chosen.</p>
<p>For a while – a long while (at least 6 months) – I didn’t even know where he was. </p>
<p>Eventually, though, apparently after he got tired of sleeping on friends’ couches or after his friends tired of S’s deadbeat ways, S moved to a new city, got a job and an apartment with friends (They kicked out the friend who refused to work), and has been living on his own supporting himself for 4 years.</p>
<p>He never returned to college despite being a very bright guy, and the office job he’s working doesn’t pay well and is far below his capabilities. But it is his life.</p>
<p>He may end up being like some of my male friends – including college professors – who lived similar lives while in their 20s and then woke up, returned to school and reached their potential.</p>
<p>He may end up living this kind of life forever. </p>
<p>It is his life. It is his choice. His decisions aren’t my fault.</p>
<p>We are in touch (He lives thousands of miles away now), and have a cordial, but not extremely close relationship. If I had kept trying to control him, I’m guessing there’s a good chance he’d still be in rebellion by not working a job and by having a partying lifestyle while also being hostile to me.</p>
<p>There have been so many wonderful posters both private and on the forum that have provided either there own experiences or great advice. I could never have received this from my personal friends because I just don’t have this number of people in my real life to obtain so much valuable information. I also have not discussed this with friends or family because I am sure that someone like my brother would attribute this to my daughter being the child who did not reach the academic level of my other three. That has never been the issue and I know that. My daughter is one of the luckiest people alive to have three brothers who have loved her and acknowleged all of her strenghts and have never been anything but humble with their good fortune. When she had not a friend to go to last summer they each introduced her to all of their friends and included her in all of their plans. She gradually found her own group of friends from parties they all attended and developed her own social circle. The friends she has made have all been male and she does not have a real female friend. It was my sons that said there was more going on than we knew and one son suggested that she had both bipolar and aspergers. Last year they had all believed that she was depressed and seemed certain that she had ADD. One of my sons is a naturalist and tried desperately to get her on an excercise regimen. It lasted for a while, until they left to go back to school. They each called her often but as time went by they all said it seemed like she stopped responding to their calls and acted like they were just a function of her present time without having the desire to connect to them. This was each of their views yet they have remained constant and loving in their attempt to remain in her life. Two of our sons have come into town every other week since the semester has ended and our other son is here at home. Son1 who has just graduated has seen more in the past couple of weeks than he has seen in four years. He is worried about his sister and is concerned for how this is effecting the whole family. This has not been the same home since my daughter has returned home from her first University. I again attributed this all to her depression and ADD. I am so hoping that the concerns of my sons and other people on this thread are not the case but as I think about life since she has been a young kid many things are making sense. </p>
<p>She only relates to them when they are present and then she uses that time to create a time of drama. I always associated their time at home and her drama with the fact that their schedules were different from theirs and often she would be studying when they had breaks. Even last summer she was enrolled in classes when they came home. One of my sons tutored her over the phone anytime she asked all semester and another spent endless hours with her evrytime he came home. </p>
<p>I am telling you all of this because the pieces are all coming together and what I saw as her anxiety and a difficult period my sons saw as serious mental health issues. The "naturalist son is not into the idea of medication and wants to believe the body can heal the mind. This past weekend he said she needed help that my husband and I need to address. They have all stated that this has been going on for too long and that it is becoming very difficult to be home with my life revolving around my daughters problems. My son who is at home now is very busy at his job and is home late every evening. He has tried to meet up with my daughter but she refuses any contact. This has caused our once amazing relationship with our sons to become a source of nothing but sad and negative thoughts. There was an episode just the day before my sons graduation that my daughter did something that sent my sons reeling. I have never seen any of them so upset and now they feel I must concentrate on my life and how to live outside of the problems that my daughter is having. They have not suggested that we ignore her, just to find a time in everyday to enjoy our own lives. They have said that I am physically and emotionally exhaused. My husband sees her as being a manipulative and immature kid and acknowleges the depression and ADD but thinks that medication is the end all and be all. He is not recognizing that her behavior is bizarre. I have pointed out that with three others we have never experienced this and his reply is that things may be differnt with a daughter. He does not have any siblings so I think he just does not get that this is not normal.</p>
<p>M-3- I have not traveled the roads you have. But, a friend is struggling with his S’s borderline personality. In reading your posts, it reminds me of the issues he has. A quick synopsis:
<a href=“What Is Google Health? - Google Health”>What Is Google Health? - Google Health;
<p>He’s had to set some very clear guidelines in their relationship as borderline personalities are narcissistic and unable to pay much attention to feelings and emotions of others. Meds are somewhat effective but pretty difficult to deal with due to mood swings.</p>
<p>Momma-three,</p>
<p>I don’t see that you can help your daughter at all unless a court gives you custody rights that allow you to govern the medical treatment of your daughter. She has refused to get help on her own. As an adult, that is a choice she is allowed to make (but you are also allowed to petition for custody if she has a mental illness that is preventing her from thinking properly).</p>
<p>I have a dear friend who is maniac bipolar. We all knew that there was something wrong. We couldn’t do anything until it got bad enough that clearly something had to be done. In our case, the dear friend (who never once got in trouble in all of middle school, high school, or college) was arrested and ended up spending a couple nights in jail. At that point, the family petititioned the court for custody and she was locked in the psychiatric ward at the mental hospital for several weeks of inpatient treatment. When that person was sitting on the floor of the jail, she finally realized that she had a problem and she made it a personal goal in life to manage her illness. She has a lot of desire to live a normal life despite being bipolar, and I am pleased to say she is living very successfully. But nobody could force her to until she hit rock bottom in the jail cell in a faraway town.</p>
<p>I have no idea if your daughter needs to be forcibly treated in a mental institution, and I have no idea if a court will give you custodial rights over her medical treatment. However, until she reaches that point, there isn’t anything you can do for her.</p>
<p>What you can do is stop carrying the weight of your daughters problems around and focus on the three great sons you have and spend quality time with them.</p>
<p>'‘I have no idea if your daughter needs to be forcibly treated in a mental institution, and I have no idea if a court will give you custodial rights over her medical treatment. However, until she reaches that point, there isn’t anything you can do for her.’</p>
<p>I believe that the only way that a person can be involuntarily hospitalized for mental health treatment if they are assessed to be a major danger to themselves or others, e.g. an immediate threat to their own life or others’. From what the OP has posted, there’s no indication that’s the case.</p>
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<p>I concur. (10 char)</p>
<p>two words for the OP… serenity prayer</p>
<p>It works.</p>
<p>Momma-three- I am not sure if you mentioned the ADD meds as a recent addition. Some people have a hard time coming off the meds at the end of the day. The psychiatrist who is prescribing the meds can’t talk to you about your D but you can give the Dr some feedback on things you are seeing. What he does with that info is between him and your D.
Also is it possible your D is smoking pot? My son has a friend who when he smokes pot turns from a sweet boy to a kid who seems to pick fights, becomes easily agitated and no fun to be around. My own son said they can always tell when this boy is smoking. The bad behavior is not while high but on the day following.
Aibarr- thanks for sharing. Your posts have helped many.
Momma-three- your list looks great. Be kind to yourself.
One thing you might add is to only pick up your D’s calls if the timing is right for you. If you are in the middle of something let it go to voicemail. Or pick up and tell her you will call her back later. Also if she becomes abusive to you on the phone you can tell her you would love to talk to her when she is in a more calm state and hang up.</p>
<p>Emaheevul07 - you are wise beyond your years and offered wonderful insight.</p>
<p>m3 - your pm’s are full, I was hoping to hear from you. :)</p>
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<p>Is that the only way to treat a loved one? I doubt it. Is it an easy way? Absolutely. So is drugging people. Everyone has emotional needs, some more some less, the daughter needs more help, since long ago. The ‘naturalist brother’ has a point, only if he came up with that years ago.</p>
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<p>Actually, it’s not the easy way. It’s incredibly difficult to allow someone to fail if you love them so much, but if you don’t allow them room to fail, you’re denying their right to dignity and autonomy.</p>
<p>We help our loved ones, but when they consume us, then it’s not healthy or right, for either the consumer or the consumed, for us to continue to rescue them to the point of our own detriment.</p>
<p>Yes my daughter does occasionally smoke pot but it is not often. I found it in her car in clear sight when I needed to get my sunglasses from the middle compartment. I was looking right at it in the space below the radio. She had it out in the open where had she been stopped, a police office would have easily seen it. She is not on the ADD meds for about the past three weeks because she had a week off of school and said that she wanted to clear her system of them so she they still worked for her without increasing the dose. When she left home I did not give them to her because I saw the possibility of her selling them to make extra money. If that sounds controlling so be it. Should I let her make these decisions and risk arrest I am not prepared to do that at this time and I honestly don’t know if I ever will be. Thats why I need therapy to figure out all of this.</p>
<p>I am happy to see you Northstarmom…I knew you were reading but it is nice to get your imput.</p>
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<p>If she decides to sell them for money, it seems very likely that she would get in trouble in some other way, sadly… She’s already leaving pot around where people will notice it.</p>
<p>She’s digging holes all over the place, momma-three… I wish it were possible for you to go around behind her and fill them all, for your peace of mind, but maybe protecting her like this is keeping her from getting a much-needed wake-up call. I’m so sorry you’re going through this and having to face these things.</p>
<p>In Al-Anon, they tell the family members of alcoholics that pouring alcohol down the drain won’t help… They’ll just buy another bottle, and it’ll just erode your sanity.</p>
<p>We are repossessing the car tomorrow. We do not want the car used for a long weekend of partying. She will have the car back this Monday and Friday she is being cancelled from our policy.</p>
<p>Daughter has not called since she picked up her things on Mon (here 5 minutes). Still not responding to her brothers either.</p>
<p>MM3- I am so sorry for your pain, frustration and anguish.</p>