<p>^^^mm3, this may seem other-worldly. But sewnsew’s suggetions make a great deal of sense. The hard part may be in acknowledging the applicability of the advice. Perhaps you don’t live in a community whose police will be receptive. Maybe you do. But you will lose nothing by making the call.</p>
<p>Oh, I do hurt for you.</p>
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<p>Is she is using drugs, that isn’t your kid. She is in there, but she isn’t in the driver’s seat.</p>
<p>Based on this description, you are more that justified to deny even a dime more to this young adult child until she gets a thorough evaluation by a chemical dependency professional. Not just a regular psychologist. Even then, a proper diagnosis of addiction could be missed. Using teenagers are talented at conning even counselors who are themselves in recovery. Therefore, I would take it a step further.</p>
<p>Not one dime more of support should be given without regular drug tests. Her behavior earned her that, even if it turns out that she is drug-free. If she continues to pass these tests, you can make a new plan. You do not have to administer them if you do not want to. There are businesses which will do it for you. Find out what is the most conservative schedule (some substances leave the body in a matter of hours). Hair analysis is a thorough way to pick things up that even drug tests can miss.</p>
<p>If you don’t detect anything other than marijuana, there are some excellent studies out there linking it to emotional disorders and even psychosis in certain genotypes. Even pot can be severely dangerous if a person is in this minority of users.</p>
<p>There is still a chance that the problem is organic, but she really needs a thorough professional evaluation. I know you want to do this but can’t right now. If and when the opportunity arises (say, when she hits some kind of bottom and is willing to make some deals), now you have some more input to form a game plan. </p>
<p>The is a woman at UC Denver who might be one of the top experts in the world on substance abuse and co-occurring disorders in young people. Her name is Dr. Paula Riggs. Google her and her work if you find you need it.</p>
<p>You can do this. One moment at a time, it that is the increment of time you can cope with…
My mom was sick for 16 years before we lost her. Sometimes during those years I literally coped for a minute at a time. I distinctly remember thinking I can do this for a minute, I can do this for 5 minutes…whatever I needed at that time. Whatever works for you. Now is not forever. Just coping can be enough for this minute.
That being said, I would follow up on some of the excellent advice—Al Anon sounds like an option to explore, and changing the locks sounds like common sense. If need be, can you stash the car somewhere else for a while? (out of sight, out of mind–maybe?)</p>
<p>M3- just adding a few more thoughts. Please listen to NSMs post. I have a brother who was diagnosed as emotionally handicapped- he may look like an adult but had the emotions of a 16 year old. For the most part this wasn’t too bad…until he met this crazy (literally) girl who got him hooked on drugs.</p>
<p>My brother went from being my best friend to a person I couldn’t recognize- ranting, raving, stealing, destroying anything in his path. He went through rehab several times- none of the lessons sticking. There wasn’t a drug he didn’t like- pot, hash, meth, pills, and at the end, heroin. I finally had to move my mom out of state because she was letting him live with her while she had a restraining order against him.</p>
<p>He was living in a halfway house when we moved mom. He left that place and lived on the streets for a while. He went through rehab again- this time his choice and stayed clean for 1.5 years. Then met another girl, and started using all over again. We lost touch with him for over 10 years.</p>
<p>Four months ago I was on a business trip near my old home. I stopped in to see one of my brother’s druggy friends to see if he had heard from him lately. Mom was still worried about him and I wanted to know if he was dead so I could help mom get through this limbo. I never thought I would hear these words- “Your brother called me two days ago after not hearing from him for over 2 years” This was the start of a reconciliation. I met him, took him out to dinner and we talked for over 2 hours. </p>
<p>He had to hit bottom- he was sent to jail for 2 years for possession of drug paraphernalia (sp?), had that “aha” moment, got out of jail and started attending AA. Next month he will have been clean for 3 years. He writes to my mom every week, talks to her on the phone on the weekends, is now a sponser with AA and has turned his life around. For the first time in his life, he has friends that don’t do drugs, he pays his own bills and makes his doctor appointments (these are things my mom used to do for him). We have made plans for him visit us this Christmas.</p>
<p>I strongly urge you to change the locks on your house and keep everything secure. If there is going to be change, it will have to come from your daughter. No matter how much YOU want her to do something, it won’t happen until she is ready to admit she has the problem. This is NOT your fault. please take care of yourself- emotionally, mentally and physically.</p>
<p>Sending strength and resolve your way.</p>
<p>I’ve been following your posts, M3 and feel for you and your family.</p>
<p>I’ll second what Chuckle added.</p>
<p>I visited with my step-brother this past weekend for the first time in about 5-6 years. It was the first conversation I’ve had with him that he has not been on drugs - I’ve known him over 20 years. It started in his teens and despite being the nicest guy and a very hard worker (in retaurant mgmt) he would not stop using. He burned every bridge in our extensive family and everyone cut him off (this was after taking him to many rehabs! and bailing him out of jail). He spent time in jail and finally 2 years ago decided to stop. We had a very open conversation on Father’s Day. He said that he just got tired of it all and that it was no one’s fault but his own and that there was nothing anyone could have done to help him stop - he had to decide. Honestly, it is only by the grace of God that he is still alive.</p>
<p>All this to say, secure your home and protect your family first. I will pray that your daughter seeks the help she needs. You are in my thoughts!</p>
<p>I just got off the phone after a pleasant conversation with older son, who had called me. Those who have followed my posts here for years know that older son is the one who flunked out of college then decided to embark on a punk rock career while living rent free with my well meaning, but naive sister-in-law. When I let S know that I had stumbled on his blog and learned that S was spending his time drinking and drugging, he stopped speaking to me (and H and younger S) for several years. </p>
<p>When SIL finally got fed up, S left her house and went to parts unknown. None of us knew where he was for about a year. I ended up hospitalized for depression during that time.</p>
<p>At some point – with the help of therapy – I learned to stop feeling guilty/responsible for son, and I learned to pay attention to my own life and needs including doing things that made me happy. As they say in organizations like Al-Anon and Nar-Anon, I didn’t cause and couldn’t control his behavior.</p>
<p>Eventually, he resurfaced. He had moved to another city, gotten a job (one that 4 years later, he still holds), and apparently had given up the party lifestyle. Two years ago, we saw him for the first time in four years, and he was happy to see us and appeared to be doing well emotionally. The last time I had seen him, he had appeared to be paranoid, and I had feared that he had a mental illness. I hadn’t realized then that he was using drugs. Now, I suspect that his paranoia was connected to his drug use.</p>
<p>Anyway, things can change with your daughter, and lots of loving parents have been through what you’re going through. Please take care of yourself and the rest of your family. Secure your house, and don’t hesitate to call the police if she follows through with her threats of violence.</p>
<p>Just because she is troubled doesn’t mean that you have to live in misery. You will always love her because she’s your daughter, but you don’t have to center your life around worrying about her. And you can continue to come here to get support.</p>
<p>Northstarmom and the many others who share a similar experience,</p>
<p>I have finally recognized that all we were doing was putting a bandaid on a situation that was coming to a head. We are beyond words right now and both husband and I are doing everything possible to keep busy so we don’t spend every second talking about what could happen next. </p>
<p>I called daughters therapist this morning and spoke to her for about ten minutes. I told her that our plan going forward was to stop financial support to our daughter. I just wanted her to get a clear picture so that in the event my daughter makes contact with her she understands the situation. I also told her that I thought my daughter may have some other issues and that I think she may be manipulating enough to fool even her. I asked that she closely examine the possibilities of that and if she thought that our daughter needed any further help that she should recommend it to her and know that any provider is free to bill us. </p>
<p>This is all I could do at this time and I do want to crawl in a hole and just cry but I can’t. If I do then I am allowing my daughter to destroy the relationship that we have with our three other children. I still don’t understand any of this and it is possible that I never will. I can only work on doing what I need to do to function as a normal healthy woman. I don’t think I have really honestly done that in a long time. I have been so consumed with trying to heal the “ill” child. It is time that I accept that this situation as painful as it is, is something that I can’t fix. I could only fix myself right now. My husband is so quiet and is doing nothing but puttering around and attending to things we have ignored for a while. It is interesting to see the stuff your car could collect when you don’t go through it for a while. </p>
<p>I hope that one day I can trully know that our daughter is O.K. I do think it is going to get worse before it gets better but at the rate things wre going things had become pretty bad. Today I pray she is safe and tomorrow I will do the same. I will do this everyday and hope that somehow she could hear me.</p>
<p>I will be having some medical issues taken care of next week and I also see a therapist. There have been many suggestions mentioned that I am also looking into. Right now it really is an hour at a time. Thankyou all so much and if you are so inclined, please keep our family in your thoughts and prayers. I have always believed that faith has gotten us through many things and it will get us through this. Many thanks to all of you for being a voice and a listening ear. You will never know the courage I have gained from your help.</p>
<p>Many blessings to each and everyone of you.
Momma</p>
<p>Wow, momma-three, you are awesome. Congratulations on having the strength to do whatever it takes for your daughter. Blessings to you and your family.</p>
<p>NSM, as an aside, please keep an eye on your son (as best you can, as it doesn’t sound like you still have a lot of contact) going forward. The paranoia that may have started during those drug-using years can resurface as they get older, and develop into full blown schizophrenia even if they are no longer using. There are some studies showing that marijuana users are more likely to experience adult-onset schizophrenia. Happened to one of my siblings, and earlier identification and intervention might have saved his life. Don’t mean to add to your worries… but it is something to watch for.</p>
<p>Northstarmom…I feel like I am such a mess right now that anything I would say would not be taken seriously. However, I am glad that intparent said what I was thinking. I kind of saw a red flag there as well. </p>
<p>Aibarr…Thankyou for that PM.</p>
<p>You <em>are</em> awesome, momma-three. Weak-knee’d or no, you’ve found the courage to do something that few ever find the courage to do. You have found the courage to change.</p>
<p>Just keep doing the next best thing, one best thing at a time. We’re here.</p>
<p>Do what you feel you need to do in order to feel safe. Keep treating yourself with gentle kindness, and breathe. Maybe indulge in some ice cream or bubble baths, too.</p>
<p>Let me know if you need anything.</p>
<p>Intparent, my brother is on antipsychotics and I suspect he has had a thought disorder all of his life. A first cousin committed suicide due to being bipolar or schizophrenic.</p>
<p>Because he lives thousands of miles away and hates our state, I don’t get to see older S much. It’s hard to keep up with him, but his working the same job for 4 years and sounding OK on the phone gives me hope. </p>
<p>I also hope to see him and his girlfriend at his brother’s graduation.</p>
<p>M3, Wow, you’re so strong. (((hugs)))</p>
<p>aibarr
</p>
<p>And what a great book that is. The Courage to Change. It can be picked up at Al-Anon meetings.</p>
<p>I am praying for you and your family. This thread made me reflect on my own family life a lot and I am going to make a counseling appointment myself to see if I can get some help coping with my sister’s behavior, so I am grateful you shared this with us. I hope you start feeling a little better soon.</p>
<p>(It is clear that my Nar-Anon is becoming a little less Anon… Ah well, if it helps people, it’s worth sharing. 
)</p>
<p>Today my husband and I cleaned two of the cars and emptied the garage. We just kept busy and decided not to see any clients. We worked side by side said little to each other but we did’nt need to today. He brought me lots of drinks and gave me lots of hugs. That is whats great about a 25 year marraige…you just know what the other person is thinking and could understand that sometimes the words don’t need to be said. He just left to go rent a movie and pick up some take out. </p>
<p>I am hoping that we get good and tired and are able to sleep tonight…we both need it.</p>
<p>I’m so glad you have each other. It’s bad to go through this, but it’s less bad to go through it alone. Keep being kind to yourselves… Still sending thoughts and prayers for you.</p>
<p>I second that. It is also best for your daughter. “Shouldering up”, making all decisions together (not answering right away when she asks for something…“I need to talk to dad/mom and we will get back to you”), and never letting her see any daylight between you. All so important as time goes on.</p>
<p>Keeping your family in my prayers.</p>
<p>Good moments…difficult moments.</p>