<p>Hope you had a peaceful Sunday, momma-three and today is looking bright.</p>
<p>Thankyou DougBetsy, The weekend started out fine until my daughter sent us a terrible message regarding the car. She was foul and disgusting and we are shattered right now. My husband seems to think we just need to completely let her go for now and I am feeling much the same but I just can’t get the nagging feeling out of my mind that she is heading to a bad place.</p>
<p>She may be heading to a bad place, but unfortunately, you can’t stop her. By letting go, you allow the bottom to come up to her, which may inspire her to change her behavior for the better. Older S didn’t turn his life around until family let go of him, and S learned how bad his living conditions would be unless he turned his life around. He also was faced with having no one to blame but himself.</p>
<p>Thinking of you M-3. </p>
<p>Is there a way to hold the messages until you are prepared (emotionallly) to read them? (I am not very good with technology). Or is there someone who can screen them for a few days, just to give you and your DH a bit of time to collect yourselves?</p>
<p>If the messages are threatening, you can take them to the police and get an injunction against her. Painful as it is to keep them, I suggest that you save those messages in case you need them to get police protection for yourself or a mental health hospitalization for your D.</p>
<p>Northstarmom, the message was not threatening just ugly and hurtful. She sounds like a trapped animal that has her back against a wall and doesn’t know how to get out of what she has created. It is heartbreaking to see this mess. Her boyfriend, the one who was such good friends with my all of my sons, has made no contact with any of them. I just wonder what will happen when he leaves to go back to school…she seems to feel like she has it all together right now. She is signing a lease, has no real job, has not picked up any of her mail from school, and does not have a thing to set up an apartment. We are clueless what hers plans are and it hurts not knowing what the heck she is doing. Seeing the message was like a knife in my back and she enjoyed twisting it. I will never understand any of this.</p>
<p>I would bet money that your daughter is using drugs and the daughter that is sending those mean messages is not the daughter whom you know. Speaking from experience with my older son. </p>
<p>There’s a good chance that when her dream world comes crashing down on her, she will straighten out her life if no one rushes in to save her.</p>
<p>Either drugs or serious mental illness (or both). If either one is the case, M3 you are doing everything right. It takes an incredibly strong, loving mother to follow through, and you are to be admired. Some time from now she will thank you and appreciate all you’ve done. In the meantime, keep saving up $, because if/when she is ready for serious treatment for whatever it turns out to be, you’ll want to have it. When she realizes she needs treatment, you can support her financially if and only if she is in treatment, and that also includes behaving respectfully towards you. Good luck, this will get better because of your strength and love. Best wishes!</p>
<p>M-3 brace yourself. When S1 was going through this he told everyone we were abusive parents and he was afraid of us. He told them that that was why he needed help and money and could not contact us. It will hurt if or when you find out all she has been saying to others. Keep a forgiving heart even as you stand your ground. It will be the only thing that will work in the end when this resolves. She is not herself right now.</p>
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<p>This.</p>
<p>Remember that this isn’t your daughter talking; that it’s her afflictions, whatever those afflictions turn out to be. I find that I can react best to my loved one’s outbursts if I visualize stepping aside and letting them blow by me, and then just letting my heart reflect my love back towards her tenfold. I know it’s not the person I love who is talking to me. I will ignore her demons and I will love the person who’s haunted by them. (Not always easy not to get caught up, but it gets easier in time.)</p>
<p>Still sending peace your way. One hour at a time. Let go and let God.</p>
<p>My niece went through something like this. She wasn’t using drugs nor was she mentally disturbed, she was just confused. She was living with a manipulating boyfriend. The more my sister tried to make contact the worse everything got. Niece got defensive and hostile. Flashforward a year, niece realizes that boyfriend is bad news and comes home. We had always let her know that we loved her and would be there for her when she came to her senses. My sister almost bit her tongue off but never said “told you!” We refer to the time as her hiatus from real life. She learned a lot but not without some bruises- she came out of the relationship deep in debt. She is now one of the most caring individuals, a far cry from the year it was all about her. In our case, her mother backed off, and I became the liaison for the family. The only thing I really did during that time was to write letters, never criticizing but letting her know that we were there for her and keeping her informed on the family so that she still felt a part of it. Thankfully, it worked and all is forgiven now.</p>
<p>" When S1 was going through this he told everyone we were abusive parents and he was afraid of us."</p>
<p>My older S told similar lies. My MIL thought that I had abused him as a child, and was failing to give him money my mother had willed him. My MIL and SIL thought that H and I had never encouraged S in his music.</p>
<p>All of these were lies. MIL and SIL realized that they were lies after --when they stopped giving S money and other things – he turned on them, too.</p>
<p>After they stopped enabling him, S got back on track. It was a difficult time for all of us, but I’m glad to say that things appear to have worked out in terms of S. I haven’t been able to forgive MIL and SIL for the things they said about me, including blaming me for S’s behavior.</p>
<p>It is so hard…I was telling someone about the time one of my sons became so ill that his kidneys shut down causing him to go into heart failure. It was a time of my life that still makes me cry to this day. I can still see my 8 year old son laying there and the feeling of helplessness that a parent feels. I remember thinking that I would replace him in a moment if it meant he would live. My son has been in and out of remission with his disease since he was diagnosed. We became such a strong and unified family and I guess I never realized that I could ever feel that level of pain again. I believe my daughter is sick…I don’t know what it is, but she is sick. If its drugs or a more serious mental illness or a combination of both. The part that is hard is that with a medical illness you hang together but how do I pull away from a mental illness. She is some kind of sick and I am looking away right now. I know that the past year with her at home and attending school was a band aid and now she snapped again. It just hurts to know that letting her go might mean that I risk more than I could stand. I am praying like I have’nt prayed since my son was sick. (by the way my post name was given to me by my son…he always called me mom until he became ill and than I became momma. He is the only one of my kids that still call me that)</p>
<p>I am rambling about so many things right now. Her year away at school and the year she came home. The behaviors that erupted at certain times and how I wish I knew if I should have done something more. I wanted to believe her and I wanted to think she was getting well. I just did’nt know.</p>
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<p>That was the part that I struggled with for so many years, and it was the thing that finally came to be unbearable for me and made me get some help. A friend’s mom was dying of cancer and my friend went to be with her mother. My friend and I are so similar, and it was very difficult to watch her take care of her mother and be there for her mother, whereas I was detaching from my own mom… I knew that what I was doing was the right thing, but I couldn’t reconcile it. If my friend was being “such a good daughter” by serving her own sick mother, then what was I? I was separating myself from my own mother, who was so severely afflicted with mental illness and addiction–didn’t that make me a bad daughter?</p>
<p>The thing is, your daughter, and my mother, have illnesses of drug abuse and mental illness. Your detaching from your daughter is not the same as if you had decided not to go to your son’s bedside when he was sick… Your son was seeking treatment, and you supported him through his treatment. Your daughter is refusing treatment… If your son had screamed and yelled and refused to go to the hospital when he was ill because he preferred staying at home and being cared for by you, you would not have come to the conclusion that you needed to make sure he had soup and fluffy pillows, at the very least… You would have taken a stand, said that he needed to go to the hospital because his kidneys were failing, and you’d have taken drastic measures to not allow him to use your kindness against you, to abuse you and your husband and his siblings, and to take your generosity and use it as an excuse to not seek treatment.</p>
<p>Your daughter is sick… But please don’t forget that it is a different kind of sickness-- mental illness and addiction are not things that society readily teaches us to deal with. The things that work for supporting someone with a physical illness do not work for mental illnesses and addictions, they only erode at your loved one. It is not something that you can control, it’s not a moral failing on anybody’s part, and it’s not curable without treatment… But the patient must be willing to be treated. What you’re doing now is helping her to realize that she needs to be treated. It is the most loving thing you can do right now.</p>
<p>I know this is so hard. I’m so sorry… Do find a meeting… I know that what you hear will sound so familiar.</p>
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<p>There isn’t anything more you could have done in the past or can do now or in the future, until she wants to get healthy. She may never want to get healthy, and that is the decision you have to let her make.</p>
<p>My friend who is bipolar has a very serious illness. She has made a personal commitment to get healthy. It is very hard for her. For many years she didn’t make the commitment and let the disease run her life. Nobody could do anything until she made the personal commitment to get healthy and stay healthy.</p>
<p>You said in an earlier post that your daughter stopped taking ADHD medication because she didn’t want to build a tolerance. Clearly, she does not want to be healthy right now. That is her choice. Allow her to make the choice. Allow her to experience the consequences of her decisions. </p>
<p>All you can do is take care of yourself right now.</p>
<p>momma-three, this is not the type of thing you should blame yourself for. Of course you wanted to believe her and want to think she was getting well! I did the exact same thing with my son. It is very, very hard to go through this, no matter what is causing your daughter’s behavior. I hope she accepts that she needs help and I hope you are getting support. </p>
<p>We learned during rehab for our son that one of the most important things you can do is to stop being an enabler. I think I’ve heard that mentioned here a few times. It is so easy to give in and say “yes” when you really need to say “no”. Just remember to be firm and know that you are doing the right thing. I hope your daughter’s problems aren’t related to drugs.</p>
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<p>Sometimes you have to ramble to find clarity. Keep talking; we’re here.</p>
<p>I have not had an issue like this with my kids (yet), but I do remember how awful it felt when my toddler was screaming because she/he did not to get a vaccination shot, or to have blood drawn for a medical test, or to get an IV when sick in the hospital. Even when you know that the child must endure this pain in order to be healthy, as a parent your heart still breaks. It’s a horrible, helpless feeling.</p>
<p>I am saying a few prayers for you today.</p>
<p>My thanks and gratitude for those of you who have posted and PM’ed me. I know it is what I need to do so I keep reminding myself. I gave my husband the cell phone and told him to only give it to me when my sons or father call. I just came back from my dads and he related his story about my brother when he was recovering 35 years ago. He reminded me that I need to step back and pray that she will step forward to ask for help. My dad does not think she is on drugs but then again he did’nt know his son was a heroin addict. My dad believes she is mentally ill and reminded me that the same rules apply if I want any chance in seeing her well. I asked him how he survived the horrors of my brothers addiction and he said when he did everything a parent could do but it made no difference he had to let him go. When my brother kicked his addiction, he did it at home with my parents by his side day and night for four days. He then went to rehab for 18 months. It was a wonderful program. Today he is clean and doing amazing. He drives me crazy but he is alive and drug free. My dad has backed off me alot in the past few weeks and I am so grateful for that. He is now doing more for himself so I guess I was enabling him too. Those meetings should be very helpful for me. My husband is just too angry right now and he is still running around doing small household chores to keep busy. He looks like a rat in a maze running in unknown directions and I look like a sad mess. Thank goodness I am seeing clients later. This is a busy week and I will be out of touch for a day or two taking care of some things but please keep my daughter in your thoughts and the rest of my family as well.</p>
<p>We will keep your whole family in our thoughts and prayers. Sending strength to you all… We’ll be here when you get back. Hope the week goes well for you.</p>