<p>Thoughts and prayers with you in this difficult time… just remember “The darkest hour is just before the dawn”</p>
<p>I told you a few details about my older sister in a PM. She has done everything your daughter has done, plus threats of violence against the other children in the house and lying to police and to the court in attempt to get my father thrown in jail (which cost us a fortune, among other things.) It took years, but we are all a family again. A weird family, but a family just the same. You might be surprised what you can heal from given time. But we couldn’t be a family again until she was ready to be a part of something with us again, and while she was at her sickest she didn’t have it in her to do that. She needed time to figure herself out first.</p>
<p>momma-three
</p>
<p>I have seen that not letting go risks much more. Allowing her to hit bottom increases the her chance of a good outcome.</p>
<p>I believe it is important for the daughter, as well as for the parents, that all “no’s” are clearly wrapped in 1. LOVE and 2. A repetitive message that she needs to get professional help. </p>
<p>“I love you, but no”. </p>
<p>“No, I won’t even talk about that subject until after you have had a professional evaluation. We will pay for that. Until you are healthy, we will not even discuss monetary support, or a car. But we will keep on loving you, and praying that you will choose to take care of yourself soon”.</p>
<p>It hurts me to think of how much you are suffering, Momma-three. I do think you are very much on the right track in evolving to where you need to be to properly repond to your daughter.</p>
<p>Momma-three, I only have thoughts and prayers. I read the first few pages of the thread, then had some problems of my own and was away from the board. I just caught up and for awhile FELT TERRIBLE for some posters who felt the need to TAKE YOU ON. It was as if your D was here in the form of another person.</p>
<p>Just so you know, if there are posters who are problematic, YOU CAN ADD THEM TO YOUR IGNORE LIST. Then, if they post, you never have to read it. Some of what they post will be quoted in another post, but the reality is that if you are coming here for help, and someone is spouting off, just add them to your ignore list. The IL can be a wonderful thing.</p>
<p>Hugs and prayers. More parents than you know are dealing with issues with one of their children. Tough love is harder on the parent that it is on the child. Take it one day at a time. Having been to Al-anon meetings, the twelve step program can be liberating. For a user, they have to accept that they are powerless over alcohol or drugs. For the enabler, they have to accept that they are powerless over the user. Even when there may or may not be alcohol or drugs, the concepts at Al-anon and Narc-anon can help when you fell responsible for someone else’s actions, when in fact your are not responsible for them nor can you control them. Until you go to some meetings and get some reading material, it is hard to understand the concepts. But the self-help one can get at meetings can be priceless. </p>
<p>One day at a time. And remember the serenity prayer. It applies for times like these.</p>
<p>
Wise words. Wish they were mine!</p>
<p>Good idea on the cellphone. It will give you time to collect yourself.</p>
<p>I’ll be thinking of you and your family. Remember–you only have to get through one minute at a time.</p>
<p>mommathree~I cried reading what you went through with your son, and I love that he still calls you momma. you are a strong family, I hope you can pull from that strength again…</p>
<p>lindz…When my son left for college I had no idea how it would all work out. He is up in Ithaca N.Y and I must say that the school has been amazing with his care and the referrals. His toughest year was when he was a freshman…he was sick for a good part of the year but he was able to stay and continue on. He is active and doing very well. It also helped knowing that his brother is on campus too in the event that he needed medical care quickly and we could not get there for four hours. I also love that he still calls me momma…he is a terrific son and brother.</p>
<p>Mom2M…Yes, another poster recommended it (thankyou) and it seems to be working. It also helps because I am not staring at it to see if she has texted. </p>
<p>Spideygirl…You are right about being firm and loving. It is hard to do right now when she is being so nasty. When she does make contact again I will be sure to include that getting the help part. I don’t think she will call again for a long time or at least until she wants her money for her rent…that should be soon.</p>
<p>No words of wisdom to offer, but hang in there and I third the suggestions of Al Anon and/or therapy for yourself. I’m so sorry to hear all this. Hugs.</p>
<p>Days have passed and we have heard nothing at all from our daughter. I had some medical issues to address this week and I am happy that is over. Therapy was interesting, but I am not sure how helpful it really was…either I was’nt clear as to what is going on or the therapist did’nt get it. I have weekly appointments set up already so I will see how it goes for a few more sessions. I guess I thought it was going to be more helpful and instead I came away feeling like she just did’nt get it. </p>
<p>This is going to be a long road and I wish I could see where the road was going. It is like driving with a blindfold on.</p>
<p>Will you tell the therapist about your concern? I think you should. If she still doesn’t seem to get it and to get you after a couple more sessions, I suggest trying someone else. You won’t necessarily “click” with the first therapist you try, no matter how highly recommended.</p>
<p>Sending you a “hug” as I remember what it was like not knowing where older S was for about a year. </p>
<p>Finding the right therapist can take trial and error. If after another session, you still don’t feel she “gets” it, I suggest that you try another therapist. Research has indicated that one of the main predictors of whether therapy works is how much the client likes the therapist initially. A therapist may be a wonderful clinician but if you don’t like the person or if they don’t seem to understand your concerns, their treatment may not be helpful to you.</p>
<p>Therapy can take some time to find a rhythm of communication. I am glad you’re giving it some time. </p>
<p>I’m not trying to beat a dead horse…but Al Anon would be really helpful when you’re trying to find your path.</p>
<p>It also sometimes takes awhile for the therapist and client to get in sync with what the therapy is trying to accomplish (e.g. provide you with the skills to worry less, sleep better, etc; discuss strategies for encouraging your daughter to seek help; offering non-judgmental support for you; determining if/when your daughter is in a crisis that needs urgent intervention, etc). The clearer you can be (with the therapist’s help, of course) about what you hope to get from therapy, the more likely you are to be satisfied and feel helped.
Hang in there. Don’t be afraid to ask your therapist what ways she imagines that therapy might help.</p>
<p>Do express to your therapist your impression that she doesn’t understand your concern. The more open one is with a therapist, the more that person can help you. Your perception may be do to something as simple to fix as a miscommunication or a misinterpretation.</p>
<p>Al-Anon can be like free therapy. There is infinite wisdon to be gained through other people’s stories.</p>
<p>Second NSM on the “fit” of the therapist issue. It’s not always a good fit, right away, and the more at ease and understood you feel in therapy, especially in the beginning, the more likely, over time, you will be able to get to the hard stuff…YMMV.</p>
<p>Al-anon is also nice, because the feelings you have expressed fit very well with the feelings of any parent of an out of control teenager.</p>
<p>In the meantime, I’m glad you are hanging in there. I know it is hard to believe, but over time, regardless of what happens with your daughter, as you work on yourself and your life, it really will get easier. But, “over time” is the hard part, no doubt about it.</p>
<p>I am going to an Al-Alon meeting next week. I still don’t know if drugs are a problem but the skills of letting go effectively and with love are needed.</p>
<p>Thinking of you today, Momma-three. Sending prayers your way.</p>
<p>Just thinking of you today. I hope your weekend was calm…</p>