<p>Glad to read that you are begining to find helpful resources. You have been in my thoughts and prayers.</p>
<p>Consider taking a copy of this thread to the therapist, maybe just YOUR posts.</p>
<p>Still thinking of you, M3. Hang in there… let me know if I can help, or if you want to talk.</p>
<p>I had the second therapy appointment and it went somewhat better. Al Anon is also very helpful although I must say I was just feeling it out and did not say much. My daughter is still out there and we have had no contact. I keep wondering what she is doing and how she is getting along. Her boyfriend is still in town so I assume she is still staying with him. She has not asked us for her money as of yet but I am sure that time will arrive very soon. Our daughter has had one or two brief converstions with two of her brothers but she has not yet spoken to one of them. This is getting more difficult now in that I know the boyfriend will be leaving in August and she is moving into an apartment by the end of the month. She finished her AA degree because we got her transcript in the mail with the grades. I just wonder how she is doing this and what will happen when the safety net of her boyfriend is not here. She is also attending therapy again because I saw her leaving the office as I was pulling in with my car…so that is a good thing. Wish I had something positive to say but it is still status quo.</p>
<p>I know you are not seeing anything positive but I did when I read your post. Your daughter got her AA, she is talking to two of her brothers and she is attending therapy sessions. She is not battling with you (or you with her). Give her some space and some credit. Baby steps are happening now. Give it time.</p>
<p>I agree with Onward. There really are some important positive things going on with your daughter. It can be difficult to notice the incremental positive steps, but they are there.</p>
<p>Don’t assume that your daughter will founder when her boyfriend leaves. She may do OK. Don’t try to predict the future. Take things day by day.</p>
<p>She finished her degree, is going to therapy and is talking to her brothers-that says a lot about her maturity in creating the life she wants. Have you considered giving her the money as a peace gesture and a show of your support for her new life? It may go a long way towards repaining the rift.</p>
<p>Oh yes, I will give her the money. It is hers and she will need it. When she makes contact I will be sure to tell her that it is here for her. I am hoping that we can come to some peaceful relationship and that she is doing O.K. One of my sons said it sounds like she is trying to do what is good for her and that he thought she may clean up her act in regard to her lifestyle choices as she matures. This is the kid who will need to learn things her way and I just hope that she could do it. </p>
<p>Northstarmom I hope you are right in that she will stand on her own two feet and make this work after he leaves.</p>
<p>Why don’t you send a message through that son to tell your you’re proud of how she’s handling things and she should come to get a check because you know she’ll need it and want her to have it.</p>
<p>^^^^I did that two weeks ago so she knows it is here…her brothers could give it to her all she needs to do is ask.</p>
<p>Would it work for you to simply write out a small check, unprompted and simply send it to her through a son? Not her money but simply a gift from you to help her along in this difficult time.</p>
<p>Perhaps she is too proud or too stubborn to ask for money - this could be a peace offering of sorts…</p>
<p>“Wish I had something positive to say but it is still status quo”</p>
<p>Isn’t this a little harsh? She got her AA, is speaking with two brothers, going to therapy…sounds like she is doing well. </p>
<p>I think you sound disappointed she is doing well.</p>
<p>Busyparent, when one is in the midst of a situation like this, it is not always easy to have perspective. Please give the OP a break.</p>
<p>"Isn’t this a little harsh? She got her AA, is speaking with two brothers, going to therapy…sounds like she is doing well.</p>
<p>I think you sound disappointed she is doing well. "</p>
<p>Have you read the whole thread to see what the OP has been going through? She has been through a lot and is far more in need of empathy and support than being chastized.</p>
<p>If you haven’t been through this kind of heartbreaking situation, count your blessings while realizing that you may lack the wisdom and compassion to provide feedback in an appropriate way.</p>
<p>“Oh yes, I will give her the money. It is hers and she will need it.”</p>
<p>I agree with this. When older son was living a heavy duty partying life, I had control of some money that he had been saving since high school. I had promised to give him free reign over it after he turned 21, but due to my concerns about his lifestyle, I held onto it for an extra year. I feared that he would just use it for partying.</p>
<p>After, however, I relinguished control to him (while he was still partying), I think it actually helped him get back on the right path. I’m fairly sure that he ran through it, and after that, he also needed to find and pay for living quarters since my SIL, whom he had been living with rent free, retired and moved away.</p>
<p>I think the wake-up call of finding out he’d need to support his own life is what got him back on the straight and narrow. He now has been supporting himself for 4 years, never missed a day of work.</p>
<p>When H, younger S and I visited him 2 years ago-- our first time seeing older S in about 4 years – older S even treated us to a meal and gave us some presents.</p>
<p>busyparent…Our daughter has not made things too easy so it is not so easy to congratulate her right now. We already had her home for a year and thought things were going O.K until she snapped again. I will not re hash all that we have been through but this kid has a long way to go before their could be trust. She is out because she made it that way and I think some of you just could not understand that type of thing. I have three other kids and I would not have understood this either because I never had an ounce of trouble with our three sons. It is easy to judge where someone went wrong until you are the one who who has the problems. We raised four kids and have had zero problems with our other three so we are still trying to figure out what we should have done differently. Many have said that she should not have had curfews and that we should have let her go and come with whoever she pleased. Others have said give her the car while some have said take the car. Some even said I was wrong for doing a criminal check on a guy she was with that was obviously trouble. The check came back that he had assault charges and still I was wrong. Even my daughter thanked me for that one. </p>
<p>Right now we are trying our best to leave the line of communication open but we will not be a doormat for our daughter. We have been through this and we are not doing it again. Now we just hope and pray that she is well and will get the help that she needs.</p>
<p>cross posted with Northstarmom.</p>
<p>How could anyone think a parent would be disappointed that a child is doing well? I think mom-3 would give anything, even if it means her daughter is out of her life, for her daughter to be happy and be on the right track.</p>
<p>No, I don’t anyone of us knows what is the best way to handle a situation like this. I know I would be at lost, and that’s why I haven’t offered any wisdom, just best wishes and hope it gets better soon.</p>
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<p>Maybe there’s not even one thing you could have done better. As far as I can tell, you have been a concerned, loving parent. Some kids are easy, and some kids are difficult. It’s the luck of the draw.</p>
<p>M-3, thanks for the update. I am glad to hear about the AA degree and her continued therapy.<br>
I hope things continue on a positive note for you, and your family.</p>
<p>M3- It sounds like things are going as well as they could possibly be going, given the situation. You’re both giving each other space, and your daughter is holding to what she needs to do and is figuring things out for herself. It’s difficult to do what you’re doing, but you’re taking steps to care for yourself… That’s what needs to happen. You’re still offering your daughter support through your sons, and she’s still getting the help she needs through her therapist. Stay the course.</p>
<p>You’re doing what’s best… Keep going to meetings. It works if you work it, and you’re worth it. :)</p>
<p>Still sending good juju and wishes for hope (but not expectations) and peace for you all.</p>