<p>Dear Momma-three, or really momma-four, You must be so tired from all emotions and fights of the last weeks (year) - I hope you find some strength and energy from the support of the many of us who are following your struggles. As a parent and coming from a family that does mental illness well (I wish it didn’t sound so flip, but it is true), I have had a long road of therapists and psychiatrists and I can not stress enough to you how important it is to be with someone you feel understood and supported by. Do not be afraid to ask questions of the therapist yourself, so you will feel confident it it someone with the qualifications you need. In my case this would include if they have treated children and young adults, what their thought are on how successful therapy for you would look like, how available they are in a crisis, what their thoughts are on medications and how well educated in the different pharmaceuticals out there. It also includes more personal info like how old are they, do they have children themselves, do they feel religion is part of therapy, etc. etc. It is entirely possible to feel comfortable with a therapist younger, childless, of another or no religion. But I always felt the need to know a bit more from the person I was going to pour my heart, feelings and frustrations out to.
A great match with a therapist will be a tremendous help, feeling not understood or supported will not get you anywhere. I am cheering you on from afar.</p>
<p>I have read the entire thread and I do have empathy for the OP. I have lived through this very experience. The child in question is back to speaking to me but we have a strained relationship. </p>
<p>I am not one of the parents who worries about what IVY my kids will get into. I am a parent who has PMd MOWC to ask for the names of attorneys and alternative boarding schools. My youngest is in summer school because they flunked a required class last semester. I will be over the moon thrilled if this child gets an AA degree some day. </p>
<p>I have spent many a night looking at the ceiling wondering what I could be doing differently as I know the OP does. I have a close friend who I count on to be honest with me even though sometimes her comments hit a nerve. When I was discussing the situation of my child having nothing to do with me she stopped me at one point and asked me if my words and actions were coming from a place of my own hurt or were they coming from a place intended to help my kid. When I was honest with myself, I could see that I wanted my kid to come to me and admit they were wrong/sorry and I was right etc etc My friend showed me that the estrangement would last a whole lot longer if I kept acting this same way.</p>
<p>So to me, reading the OPs comments that nothing positive has happened when in fact the kid is still alive, has finished her AA and is going to counseling-- all very positive things-- seems ridiculous. Saying that the child knows through word of mouth of the brother that she can come home to get her money but I am not going to tell her again sounds very passive aggressive. </p>
<p>I send hugs to the OP but sometimes our best friends are the ones who tell us what we need to hear, not what we want to hear. May I suggest that the OP send big hugs to her daughter in the form of a letter saying something along the lines of I know we are having some troubles right now, relationships are hard, but please know that I am so proud of you for finishing your AA and no matter what difficulties we are having, I will always love you. I would like to send you your money so you will have it so I will give it to your brother to pass along to you. Love mom</p>
<p>M3 - Just checking in to see how YOU are doing…</p>
<p>I worry that sending the money “out of the clear blue sky”, if you will, may be interpreted by D as an attempt to buy her off.</p>
<p>I have to strongly disagree Adad. The dynamic here has fallen into one of a power struggle. The money is DD’s. Often a parent needs to take the first step to change the dynamic, I think that’s what momma-three would be doing here.</p>
<p>Busyparent’s experience and wisdom seems worth listening to IMO.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I didn’t offer a firm view about the situation. It is just something that I worry about. I’m sure that momma-three can decide whether or not my worries are justified.</p>
<p>* may be interpreted by D as an attempt to buy her off.*</p>
<p>How can you * buy off* someone with their own money?</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>For better or worse, Momma-three has maintained control of the money until now. That is the status quo.</p>
<p>To suddenly and unilaterally change the status quo might raise questions in a mind already inclined to be distrusting or suspicious of OP: *Why now? What is she trying to accomplish? Is she trying to control me? *</p>
<p>As I intimated above, this is just a worry of mine. I freely admit that I could be wrong to worry. However, imho it would be good for OP to think such scenarios through before taking the irreversible step under discussion.</p>
<p>By getting the D’s own money to her, the mom would be saying in effect, “you are now becoming an an independent adult living on your own and so now you should have your money in your own control and manage it.” I don’t see how giving the D her own money would be seen as an attempt to control. I think it would have the opposite effect.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>The issue is not what you or I or other posters here can see. The issue is what D can see–a D who apparently is suspicious and mistrustful of OP. </p>
<p>I am simply suggesting that OP think this question through before taking an irreversible step. If OP, who knows D better than any of us, concludes that D will react as you say–great!</p>
<p>But if the D’s own money is in the mom’s hands, then mom maintains control. By giving the D her own money, the D can control it. It is not so much as perspective as fact.</p>
<p>You guys are making it too complicated.</p>
<p>I assume the money is in an account. It’s probably a custodial account with the parent as person in control and the D named beneficiary.</p>
<p>So it’s simple. The mom takes her name off the account as custodian and makes it her Ds account. She doesn’t need to say or do anything for the D.</p>
<p>When the D needs money, she will walk into the bank and want to withdraw money. Since it’s her money (and no longer custodial), they will gladly give it to her. </p>
<p>Trust me, the D will try that when she needs money. Or finally ask Mom through the grapevine, which Mom can then say “it’s your account, you can do as you wish.”</p>
<p>(The bank will require this action anyway in a year or two depending on your state.)</p>
<p>^^^, hmmmm, I think if the account was joint child/parent (we don’t know this but just going on your assumption), then the child can withdraw money without the parents’ permission. My D earned money as a child and had a bank account and my name was also on it. She could have had access to it, though so did I. When she was on her own once she graduated college, I took my name off it and so no longer have access. But I don’t think if the mom and D have a joint account that the D can’t withdraw money. She can. </p>
<p>But the point is that if the mom is holding money (belonging to D) for the D that D doesn’t have access to, and the D is now on her own, and likely needs the money, the mom can release control of it and send it to her by obtaining her mailing address or giving it to the brothers to give to their sister, and she can write a nice note with it too. No need to wait for the D to ask for it. She’d be giving a message that she trusts D to now manage her own affairs and is relinquishing control of her assets.</p>
<p>Re: giving the money. I don’t think anyone knows the D or the situation well enough to advise. While it could help to defuse the situation <em>if</em> your D felt you were sincere, in her current frame of mind, any action you take on your own may be seen in a negative way. Giving her her money unasked might just as easily have the potential to be processed as “Here, take your money and get out of our lives if this is the way you want to lead it.” If she hasn’t yet asked, maybe there is a reason for that, too. Perhaps it’s even a sign that she is not thinking of this in terms of a long term situation. I would discuss any moves you make with the D’s therapist at this point.</p>
<p>I agree it’s the opposite of being controlling and given the history, I suspect DD would too.</p>
<p>I think the advice has been that momma-three send a message to the daughter as to why she’s being given the money (it’s her’s, she needs it now and the parents are supporting her decision to live on her own) so there is no misunderstanding.</p>
<p>Hard to believe DD wouldn’t see it as an olive branch. It probably won’t bring her back into the fold, but it would be the first step towards that IMO.</p>
<p>I also think there would be no misunderstanding behind this action if the money were accompanied with a loving and explanatory note. It also comes across as supportive rather than adversarial.</p>
<p>You all may be 1000% right. But there is also the chance that this was still an impulsive act, and that the money is not the D’s primary focus at all right now. If the D is living in the moment, confused, has no idea what she wants to do, and especially if she would really like nothing more than to find a way to save face and come back home tomorrow, it’s just possible that giving her the money unsolicited would send the opposite message to the one intended. I just don’t see the harm in letting the request come from her. It puts the ball in her court so that SHE is the one calling the shots and at that point your readiness to support her choices or expedite her request could go over equally as well. I still think the therapist, if a good one, is the best one to help address these sorts of questions.</p>
<p>I think the best chance for mending the relationship would be to send the money to the daughter, via one of the brothers, with a loving note. There* is* a chance it will be taken the wrong way, but not as big of a chance as if the mom keeps the money and waits.</p>
<p>Agree.</p>
<p>Doesn’t sound like it’s in anyone’s best interest for her to move back home regardless. </p>
<p>This is an opportunity for mom to basically say this didn’t happen as I would have liked it to but that won’t stop me from being proud and supportive that you’re moving on with your adult life.</p>
<p>M3, this would be a good thing to bring up at a meeting. You might get some really good feedback there.</p>
<p>Everyone else… bringing the daughter back into the fold and making peace with her isn’t necessarily the right step right now. It might be, but it might not be. In this sort of a situation, the focus should probably be on encouraging the daughter’s steps in the right direction and ceasing to enable her ability to make steps in the wrong direction. </p>
<p>Tried and true dos and don’ts:</p>
<p>Do always encourage attempts to seek help.
Do remember to see the good in others and yourself.
Don’t accept guilt for another person’s acts.
Don’t nag, argue, lecture, or recall past mistakes.
Don’t over-protect, cover up, or rescue from the consequences.
Don’t neglect yourself or be a door-mat.
Do allow other people to accept their own responsibilities.
Don’t manipulate or make idle threats.
Do learn to be open and honest.
Don’t yearn for perfection in yourself or others.
Do remember to focus on your own reactions and attitudes.
Don’t overlook the growth opportunities of a crisis.
Don’t underestimate the importance of release with love.
Do please try to manage your anxieties one day at a time.</p>
<p>Keep on keeping on…</p>