<p>momma-three (four)…I’ve lurked on this thread and have been thinking of you. Hope all is well.</p>
<p>Once again I am posting an update:</p>
<p>Our daughter has made some contact but she is still living at her boyfriends house. As of now she has not secured an apartment so I don’t know what she is planning to do. She has been gone for what seems like such a long time. I have tried to make contact but she only returns calls when she needs to. It is indeed a sad situation that I never expected to see happen in my family. I know little more than what I have just posted so the update is basically where we left off the last time. Our daughter finished her summer classes and has her AA degree but I don’t know much more. Her brothers have contact with her but they are having trouble really communicating with her. She has closed herself off from everyone. I would expect some change in the next two or three weeks since her boyfriend will return to school but as of now we just don’t know. She was supposed to move into an apartment but apparently that did not happen. She is seeing her therapist but I don’t know if she has been referred to anyone else. Our insurance policy does not send us any statements regarding services unless a co payment has not been made so she may be seeing someone else but I would not know that. </p>
<p>It has been a long and difficult road and I pray everyday that she is healthy in both body and mind. This is the kind of thing that one expects in families that have major problems…now I see that this could happen to anyone. I could only urge those of you who suspect mental health problems or other issues that are affecting your kids social or academic performance to seek help before they turn 18. Once your child is 18 you have no rights unless they are a threat to themselves or others.</p>
<p>This is just so unbelievable to all of us and there really are no words to describe how a parent gets through this…we are functioning but we have a hole in our lives.</p>
<p>{{hugs}} to you, momma-three. Thank you for the update. Making contact and returning calls (even if it’s just on her schedule) is a good thing. Baby steps. </p>
<p>You remain in my thoughts. I can hear the weariness in your post. Please remember to take care of yourself.</p>
<p>Momma-three, you are also in my thoughts and prayers.</p>
<p>Momma-three,
I’ve been reading this thread from the beginning but haven’t posted until now. My hope for you is that there will be a time in the future that you will look back on this as the low point for your family. One of the hardest things for a parent is accepting the discrepancy between the expectations we had for our families when we started them and the reality of our families as they exist.<br>
There is beauty in the struggle, as painful as it is. You will get to the other side of this. In the meantime, I’m thinking good thoughts for you.</p>
<p>Thank you for posting.
Although you do not get a statement for services unless a copayment has not been made, you (or the policy holder) should be able to call and find out where claims have been made. You may find peace in knowing she is receiving care.
All my best wishes for peace.</p>
<p>^^^^ Oh how I hope that you are right…We don’t know what the future holds for any of our kids but when you have a child (they are still kids at 19) that seems lost your heart is broken. You can remember how sweet and innocent they were as children and remember all of the dreams you had for them. I always remember watching them play and hoping that they would always be that happy. I am still trying to figure out how this all happened and why I did’nt act sooner when there were signs of problems in the later years before she turned 18. </p>
<p>When I look back I realize that we should have known that there was something going on. We would tell ourselves that our daughter was the kid in the normal range and our others were very high achievers. We fooled ourselves by believing she was going through life at her own pace and things were not as easy for her as the others. Our daughter started school at the age of four because of her tested ability and when the difficulties began we always believed it was a maturational situation. We live in a school district where it was more the norm to see six year olds start school, but at the time we did not know that because we were new to the area. We made too many excuses for why she was having problems with peers and school. I think we were just trying to accept the reality that each child in a family is their own person but in our daughters case she clearly had the innate ability to succeed academically but we failed to recognize her struggles as something we needed to act upon. When I think about how close our family was and how much time we put into being loving and good parents I am angry that I missed this. That is where I am right now…the “angry at myself” phase because I let her down. I did not want her to feel inadequate by bringing attention to the fact that she was not as adjusted or academic as her brothers and instead she has gone through life feeling just that way.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, if a child is over 18, even if they are on your insurance plan, it is unlikely, without the patient’s permission that you will get any information about claims processing. Seems so unfair, but thats the system.</p>
<p>Hang in there, momma-three. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.</p>
<p>^^^ jym you are right…they would not release anything regarding claims. I can’t imagine that she is paying the bills, even the co payments would be too costly for her with other providers so I assume that she has not been referred or has not gone to anyone other than her therapist. I have paid the therapist weekly for her visits so I know she has been going.</p>
<p>M3-- Think about you often. Are you going to meetings? The things you’re talking about are things that the people at the meetings have gone through, and understand…</p>
<p>You are correct, HIPPA laws are tight. I am under the impression the the policyholder has the right to know claims processed, that’s it. From there you may be able to tell what type of help she is receiving.
I guess this may depend on the type of insurance you have. We receive an EOB, or Explanation of Benefits, for any claim processed on the policy.</p>
<p>M-3
((hugs))) Take heart in the communication however limited. Remember to take care of yourself, you need your strength.</p>
<p>mom-three,
Are you paying privately for yoru dau’s therapy appointments or is insurane being billed? If you are paying privately, do you get a statement which reflects whether she came for the appointment or if you might be being billed for a no-show?</p>
<p>"Our daughter finished her summer classes and has her AA degree but I don’t know much more. "</p>
<p>It is wonderful that she got her AA. Despite the drama of her departure, she may be doing all right. To finish her classes and get her AA takes dedication and organization – even if one is very smart as your D is.</p>
<p>If she were always a no-show, the therapist would drop her. Sounds like she’s going to at least some of her appointments, and that’s also good news.</p>
<p>Some young people are compelled to foul the nest big time before they have the guts to grow up. This may be what’s going on with your D.</p>
<p>To momma-three: My heart goes out to you, and I definitely feel your pain. It sounds to me as if you have done the right things, to the best of your ability, so far. I haven’t read through this whole thread, but I just want to say that when someone is not contributing financially to the household, is not co-signing a lease, the people holding the mortgage, lease, etc. have the right to set the rules of the household. It is their abode, and respect for their lifestyle is legitimately a priority. Even when you are a relative, and a primary relative, you are a guest, and you abide by the host’s rules. I have made that clear to my own daughters. They respect my need (1) not to worry about whether they have been abducted, in a car accident, etc. (2) to be reasonably well-rested for my actual job. Therefore, when they visit from college, jobs, etc., they do not stay out “all hours.” I don’t care if they’re 20, 30, or 90. (no, not a typo.) It has nothing to do with age and everything to do with respect for parents and respect for the host of an abode.</p>
<p>The only exception I would make is if either one had a job which ended in the middle of the night.</p>
<p>If it was a ‘celebration’ thing - a visit to an old friend that kept the two talking late, etc. I expect them to make arrangements to stay overnight, which by the way they often do. Courtesy is courtesy. This is one of the essentials of learning manners, for heaven’s sake.</p>
<p>Momma-Three,
I know that the impulse right now is to beat yourself up over the things that you might have done differently. Who hasn’t had a relationship (or many) in our lives that we would like to do differently? You have to remind yourself that you did the best you could with the information that you had at the time and, who knows, maybe in the end it will have been the perfect way to have raised this child. She’s still a work in progress. </p>
<p>Some babies slip into the world quietly, with barely a contraction. Others come after many hours of excruciating labor. The ones that come the hard way don’t fair any worse or better, in the long run, than their easier counterparts. Think of your childrens’ development this way. She’s having a very messy maturation process.</p>
<p>When i have had hard times with my kids i say to myself “I will be the best mother I can to a child who has…” or “I will be the best mother I can be to a child who is…”</p>
<p>This allows me to let go of that ideal, unrealistic image that I have had and puts me in a position to do what I need to do with this child within these circumstances.</p>
<p>Still thinking of you.</p>
<p>To all the above posters, Once again for your kindness and keeping us in your thoughts. I actually look forward to hearing from you and I trully listen to many of your suggestions. Arbarr I have been attending meetings and they are very helpful…thankyou so much for suggesting that I do so. I have met many people who are in similar situations with their children. One day at a time but some days are harder than others and today is one of those days. I just miss having my daughter in my life and I keep thinking of my beautiful happy baby and wondering how this all happened. </p>
<p>I guess I am also wondering what her plan is once her boyfriend leaves. Is she getting an apartment as she planned or did she make other arrangements. I don’t even know if she is going to school. She has mentioned nothing and has not asked for a thing. We did receive her bank statement in the mail this afternoon and she just lost her over draft protection…I am assuming because she let her savings go under the mandatory ammount. She had two checks that she bounced and they put a freeze on her account until she goes into the bank and straightens it out. I am sure she knows about it because she always looked online to see her balance. If she is not in an apartment and she is not paying rent than where is her money going? These are the type of questions I ask myself everyday. Is she eating well, sleeping well, sleeping too much, too little, working, etc…There are days that I could only think of these things and other days that I only think about it half the time.</p>
<p>"We did receive her bank statement in the mail this afternoon and she just lost her over draft protection…I am assuming because she let her savings go under the mandatory ammount. She had two checks that she bounced and they put a freeze on her account until she goes into the bank and straightens it out. I am sure she knows about it because she always looked online to see her balance. "</p>
<p>Stop opening her mail. Don’t look at things like her bank balance. You can’t control what she’s doing. Some people have to learn the hard way. </p>
<p>" If she is not in an apartment and she is not paying rent than where is her money going? These are the type of questions I ask myself everyday. Is she eating well, sleeping well, sleeping too much, too little, working, etc…There are days that I could only think of these things and other days that I only think about it half the time."</p>
<p>When older S was thousands of miles away living God knows where and hadn’t communicated with us for 6 months at least, I worried about those things, too. After a while – and with lots of help from my therapist and meditation – I let go with love. I realized I couldn’t control him, and worrying was literally making me sick.</p>
<p>He eventually figured things out for himself – the hard way and got himself reasonably back on track.</p>
<p>Wishing you the best… I know it’s tough, but please realize that she is an adult and her behavior is not your fault and not your responsibility.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Nor, as far as you know, is her behavior even “bad.” </p>
<p>She seems to be doing what she needs to do to take care of herself right now. She finished her 2 yr degree, and she may or may not fall to pieces later. You never know. It’s not really legal for you to open her bank statement. So, don’t do it anymore. Have it forwarded.</p>
<p>I know this must be excruciating for you, and Im sure she has no idea, or no ability to have any idea of the kind of pain you are in over all of this. However, I’d also say that the separation phase of any mother-daughter relationship can be tumultuous, particularly in the case where there has been maybe a little bit too much dependency.</p>
<p>I’m sorry for your pain, truly. I’m glad your daughter seems to have made it through the summer in one piece. I hope one day you will look back on these times as the “difficult” times. You really never know. Sometimes, and this is often the case, the kid with the bumpy start ends up being the one who does the best in the long run. A smooth early start isn’t the only path. </p>
<p>Nobody escapes this life without some ups and downs, or as my H likes to say, “You gotta take the crunchy with the smooth.” It would be more shocking to raise four children without ANY potholes in the road. At that point, all your good karma would be used up and you’d really be in for it next time. ;)</p>
<p>I understand why momma-3 is opening those statements. She is still in the place where she is reading the tea leaves of her daughter’s life to try to understand if she is OK. I think I’d do the same thing at this point in the process, right or wrong by anyone else’s estimation.</p>
<p>Can her brothers tell her that mail is coming to the house and you will forward it if you know where to send it? (But your D may not want you to know where she is. A PO Box would work, too.) If you have to send it on, you won’t open it. And maybe that would be good,</p>