<p>My friend called last night to tell me she just discovered that her daughter has a tattoo. Apparently she got it over winter break, just after her 18th birthday, and has been hiding it from her parents since January. It is a relatively small tattoo, on her right hip just, above the bikini line. My friend is very upset and very worried about her husband’s reaction, who is on a business trip until Friday. The daughter is begging her mom not to tell her dad. She is leaving for college in 10 weeks, as an ED admit to a pricey private school, where they are full pay except for a small merit scholarship. The parents agreed to pay for this private college, under certain conditions, one of them being no tattoos or piercings until graduation from college. My friend is just beside herself! She cannot even imagine keeping this from her husband, but the consequences of telling will be dire. The daughter is laying it heavy on her mom, and blaming her for ruining her life if she tells her father. My friend is torn, afraid she will permanently damage her relationship with her daughter if she tells her husband. The flip side is if the husband finds out about the tattoo, and that my friend knew about it, that would cause a huge strain in their relationship. The daughter is an only child and was well aware of her parents position on tattoos.</p>
<p>I advised my friend that she needs to tell her husband, despite the consequences. She is not the type of person who can lie and she would definitely feel like she was deceiving her husband if she did not tell. But she is so worried about what will happen with her daughter. I told her that the daughter knew what she was doing when she got the tattoo and for the last 5 months that she hid it from her parents, she will just have to face the consequences of her actions, however dire they may be. My friend is now questioning her position on the tattoo, which will not go over well with the husband. I feel so bad for her, she is truly between a rock and a hard spot. This situation strikes a chord with me also because we have told our kids the same thing, no tattoos or piercings until college graduation. What would you do in this situation?</p>
<p>Honestly, I would let it go. Water under the bridge. Your friend may not like it but it is her daughter’s body, not hers. A tiny one above the hip is tame compared to some of the debacles I have seen. Tell her to breathe and count her blessings.</p>
<p>I would never have put myself into this situation. I don’t like tattoos or piercings and would not be happy if my sons got them. They know that. I certainly would not hate a tattoo or piercing enough to deny my children their college education! I think that before one lays out those consquences one needs to think through the real ramifications of carrying through with them if sons or daughters decide to get a tattoo a piercing. I don’t think the consequence fits the “crime” at all.</p>
<p>I don’t like family secrets, I don’t like not carrying through with consequences, and I would not want to deny my child a college education because of a tattoo or a piercing. This is a bad position to be in. I think your friend needs to know if her husband is really going to follow through if he finds out the truth. I would tell my husband the truth, but I know my husband would not tell our sons that they can’t continue with college plans because of a tattoo! Additionally, I don’t keep secrets from him. This young lady is almost trying to create a wedge between her parents to have her cake and eat it too. Tough decisions at this point!</p>
<p>I agree. It is not the end of the world. What he doesn’t see won’t hurt him. What if the mom had found about about it after the D went to college, perhaps during Christmas break? Would they have made her quit after one semester so she could go to work at McDonalds or WalMart? Hardly seems reasonable.</p>
<p>Although I understand the desire of the parents to not want their daughter tattooed or pierced until later, but you really need to pick your battles. Is one small tattoo worth the price of her education and their relationship? I hope not. She may be upset about it, but I would tell your friend what’s done is done and to talk to her husband in a calm, rational way so he can accept it for what it is…NOT the end of the world.</p>
<p>When you say that the consequences of telling the dad will be dire, do you mean that he’ll withdraw financial support for college? That sounds way overcontrolling to me. It surprises me that anyone would make “no tattoos or piercings” a condition of paying for a pricey private college. The parents have the right to impose any limitations they want on paying for college, of course, but I wonder what their purpose was in this particular one. I hate tattoos but don’t see why it would be that upsetting for a child over the legal age to get such a discreet one.</p>
<p>I think this should be left between dad and daughter, and that mom should take herself out of the equation. If both mom and d are so afraid of telling dad, something’s weird, imo. If I were this mom, I would probably not tell my husband because the likelihood of him ever seeing it seems almost nonexistent. I know spouses shouldn’t keep things from one another (though I do when I know it will save my sanity in the long run), but there’s something about the idea of both mom and d living in dread of dad finding out about a legal activity that bugs me here.</p>
<p>It boggles my mind when I read stories like this here on CC. I sometimes feel as though I live in an alternate universe. The issue, as I see it, is certainly not that an 18 year old legally got a small and tasteful tattoo, something that an 18 year old has a right to do if she so chooses, despite any parental objections. The issue is, parents who would be so controlling, rigid, and, in my opinion, silly as to stipulate that they would not contribute to their child’s college education if that child didn’t follow their stipulated rules. Seriously? This family would appear, from what has been posted here, to have more serious issues than the fact that their daughter got a tattoo. Good grief.</p>
<p>I would take a tattoo over a child experimenting with drugs or coming home every night drunk. In the past decade the branding of what a tattoo means has changed drastically. </p>
<p>I have discussed tattoos with my kids and tell them to think of how they will look in 30 years and 50 pounds. There a few websites that provide backup of tattoos gone bad. I think this will be deterent enough for my kids, but I wouldn’t sweat something small that will be covered by clothing in a business environment.</p>
<p>When my kids were younger, we had a regular babysitter who was a high school senior. This was probably 14 or 15 years ago, so tattooing was definitely beginning its upswing, but not as widespread or as popular as it is now. Said babysitter went to visit older sister in CA and got a fairly discreet tattoo (around her second toe, it looked like a toe ring). She was over 18, still in HS. I do not know if it had ever been forbidden ahead of time (like I said not as common then to generate a discussion ahead of time). </p>
<p>Well, D comes home, Dad “freaks out”, then calms down. Says D has has two choices-get it laser’d off (at his expense) or keep it and assume all discretionary expenses. I don’t believe he included college in that category, but wasn’t privy to the discussion. Daughter had it removed, and said that was more difficult than the application.</p>
<p>My first reaction was “pick your battles”. I happen to like small tattoos and allowed my D to get one when she was 16. She was fairly conservative, but it was something she really wanted and she hasn’t regretted it. If Dad is going to freak out, don’t tell him.</p>
<p>The problem is not the tattoo but the stupid condition you and your DH made. I have two kids for whom one has to make good on everythimampunditng one says, or they will look at it as permission. It was a horrible time dealing with them and I had to carry out things I hated to do, but ultimately it was the only way I was able to have any clout with them. Not control but even consideration. So in their cases, not telling DH and not carrying out the consequences would have meant that they would feel that they were free to do anything as the chances were good that we were bluffing. It took several times to show we were not before they got it through their thick heads, and understand now
that if we say something, we are not going to back off. We have to be careful what we say too, because these idiots may decide to take the consequences and we may not want to deliver.</p>
<p>Yes, you should tell your husband. Why? Because when another issue arises, maybe more serious, she’ll may throw that into the mix when everyone is in a turmoil as to how deceptive YOU are with your DH. Yeah, they do that.</p>
<p>It was a dumb position, but I would stick to the guns. Now that my kids are adults , they do appreciate that they know how we stand on things and that it is a fixed point in their flux filled lives. Sometimes that is all you can offer them. The young woman probably would not be harmed doing some community service or working for a year. Taking a gap year is not that unusual any more; in fact, often beneficial. My son came very close to taking one due to lack of parental support for college. One of our cousins did not go off to college for infractions over the summer–spent 2 years at comm college instead. Hate to say it, but they needed the boon lowered or things could be worse.</p>
<p>Well, will dad’s condition be that she does a gap year in community service, or that she moves out of the house and be completely on her own, or somewhere in between? I agree that it’s a problem that mom and dad imposed a stupid condition. But if it’s stupid, should it really be enforced? Parents make mistakes, as we all know because we’ve made them. </p>
<p>If I were this mom, I’d have a converstion with my d. I would admit that the tattoo condition was silly, given the importance of an education, and make clear that accepting the now permanent body ink was not tantamount to giving permission to indulge in whatever other activities are off limits as far as this family is concerned. Then again, my kids are not “give me an inch and I’ll take a mile” people, so I don’t need to shed blood on every battle field. </p>
<p>I would not tell the husband - mostly because he sounds like a controlling, intimidating guy. Perhaps I’m misreading here. I wonder what else he wants to forbid as a condition of paying for college? And how successful he’ll be?</p>
<p>I’m sure the OP’s friend will come up with a solution. If this were my situation (well, I wouldn’t have imposed that condition) anyway now that it has been imposed I would tell my D that she has to tell her father. I do not keep secrets from my DH. Ever. It’s been my pattern for twenty five years and it has worked well. If someone tells me “I’m going to tell you something but don’t tell anyone.” I stop them and let them know that I don’t keep things from my DH and that perhaps they shouldn’t tell me.<br>
D in this case is 18. Let her be the one to tell her father.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t tell. I’d put the interests of my kid above telling. Although I would like to know how the mom found out about it. Unless the daughter showed it deliberately or showed it to her, the best play would have been to pretend not to see it.</p>
<p>I agree that getting a tattoo means that the kid doesn’t deserve an education. Yank all support. For extra measure, cut off all contact too. We can’t coddle these 18 year olds, who think they are adults now just because the law says that they are. They’ll have to learn the hard way that an unauthorized tattoo is essentially a middle finger right in the father’s face.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t tell. Was married to that type of control freak (and my dad was one), and they are SO stiff necked that he might very well withhold college funds for this. When the OP said her friend was between a rock and a hard place, I am guessing the dad is the rock and the hard place. As a parent, I learned early not to threaten consequences I really wouldn’t carry out. Sounds like the mom should have thought this through more clearly before agreeing; but now that she realizes that the consequences were too severe for the “crime”, she should keep quiet. You can’t reason with a man like that. It isn’t about the ink, it is about the control.</p>
<p>The parents will not refuse to pay for college, just the expensive private school. The daughter could still attend an in-state public, where she has a full tuition scholarship. While they can afford to pay for the private school, it will definitely impact their lifestyle. Knowing the father as I do, he will absolutely follow through with the consequence. And knowing my friend as I do, there is no way she will be able to withold the information from him.</p>
<p>I will add that the parents are a bit older, late 50’s, and have very definite opinions about tattoos. The father will also be quite angry that the daughter deceived them. And while ahe was of legal age to get a tattoo, she was not of legal age to consume alcohol, which apparently played a big part in the spur of the moment decision to get the tattoo.</p>
<p>As far as the condition of no tattoos being stupid and there being more important issues in the family, I know this couple very well and they are well-adjusted, professional adults. The wife is not afraid of the husband, she is afraid of the consequences and damaging her relationship with her only child. The daughter is generally a good kid, a little spoiled, but a good student. The parents asked that she refrain from getting any tattoos or piercings until after college so that she would be more mature and aware of the long term consequences if and when she decided to do so. Personally, I agree with them. While my son finds tattoos very distasteful, but my daughter may decide to get one in time. We have asked her to wait until after college and I hope she will oblige. Beyond that, there is not much we can do.</p>
<p>What are the long term consequences of getting one tattoo above the hip that her own father has not yet noticed and she was able to conceal for some time from her own mother? Please… </p>
<p>It takes all types. Demanding that the kid go to a cheaper school because she got a tattoo that mom and dad don’t agree with? Of course this will change daughter’s relationship with both parents. Those are consequences that the parents will also need to live with.</p>
<p>Intparent makes such a good point that I have shifted my response.</p>
<p>What if the dad is a controlling person? The girl chose to rebel with small bikini line tatoo, which I suspect she did not think either parent would ever see. So, while she obeyed dad’s wishes on other aspects of her life, e.g. getting good grades, applying to a very good college, possibly choice of friends, she had her little secret. </p>
<p>Only the OP knows the character of her husband. If he is a controller, then she could have a serious talk with her DD about her own expectations about behavior in college.</p>
<p>PS- The girl drinks way too much on a vacation and agrees to go to a tatoo parlor? Sounds like she is too influenced by others and not prepared to know how to handle alcohol and peer pressure. Is she a people-pleaser with low self-esteem? Fishymom, I think the tatoo is just the tip of the iceberg (sorry for cliche).</p>