<p>I guess I have a slightly different opinion than most. If no tattoos was a condition of the parents paying for the private school (dumb condition but it is out there) then the girl must accept the consequences of her actions. </p>
<p>She is an adult. Fine. She made a decision and knew what would happen. As an adult she now had to deal with it. The mother should tell her daughter to tell her father herself. If she won’t then the mom will tell him. Don’t let the daughter drive a wedge between the parents. She knew what she was doing. No way the wife should withhold this info. As a husband I would be furious if she did. </p>
<p>That having been said it was a dumb condition. But to hide it sends the message to the kid that there are no consequences for breaking rules. </p>
<p>And how did Mom see this tattoo? Daughter must have shown her based on location. She wanted her parents to find out.</p>
<p>Our family works this way also, but we started off at a young age. I always answered “Don’t tell Daddy” with “We’re not going to keep secrets. I won’t tell him … you need to.” Secrets come out eventually, and the damage caused by keeping the secret can sometimes be worse than the secret itself.</p>
<p>The tattoo is a done deal at this point. Now the daughter needs to learn how to handle any mistakes she makes with maturity. This caught my eye - the daughter is “blaming her (the mother) for ruining her life” if she tells the father. Ummm, I don’t think so - the daughter made the decision and took those actions herself. “Don’t tell Daddy” and “it’ll be your fault” seem to be opposite the direction a young adult needs to be heading. </p>
<p>(Just for the record - I have nothing against tattoos and that rule would not have been made in this house.)</p>
<p>I missed the “blaming her for ruining her life” comment. Between that and the alcohol involvement it sounds like a spoiled and immature young lady. As a parent I’d think twice at this point about footing a full pay bill at a private.</p>
<p>I think cpt sure has it right, that the attractiveness or the long-range fashion sense of a tatt isn’t the biggest issue. Is a tatt smart? Pretty? Hidden? Obvious? In style? Artistic? Jail yard quality? Source of pride? Was it smart to make this promise? None of that is the big issue here. The Op tells us the Dad promised a very generous conditional gift of an expensive college education in exchange for kid’s promise of no tatts until after college. They made a bargain. I’d be happy to make the same bargain, if that man wants to pay for my education… p.m. me if we have a deal!
To compound the situation further, the mother now knows of the tatt, and the child is trying to blackmail the mother by saying it’s the mothers’ fault if dad sticks to his word and withdraws the gift. It’s like a crook blaming the cop who reports a robbery in progress- saying it’s the cop’s fault he goes to jail. Laughable. While some use unflattering terms like controlling and unreasonable for the dad, let’s don’t forget the student is a liar and a cheat for breaking the promise and is trying to blackmail the mother into being a co-conspirator against her husband. Even the location of the tatt tells us something about the student- small, discreet(meaning: hidden) just above the bikini line. Why not on the forearm or middle of the forehead? Why did student choose one so hidden? I can speculate, but won’t here.
Some here have the idea that the kid is now an adult, it is her own body, and can make her own decisions. I can believe that too. But the next step in that logic says that the student like any other adult, gets rewards or consequences based on her decision. In this case the student knowingly decided to have a tatt, right now, over the gift of the education. Personally I don’t believe she made the best choice. But I agree she has a right to make the choice. If a person wants to argue- it’s her body to do with as she pleases, thats ok, but don’t forget it’s also dad’s money and he can do with it as he pleases. He cannot force his desire for no tatts on her(obviously!) and she cannot force her desires of how he spends his money on him. He tried to persuade her to delay getting tatts, and offered a great reward if she waited. She valued the tatt more than the free education.
Lastly, let’s remember if he does keep his word, he isn’t stopping her from going to college. She’s not going to jail for this. She can still go to college; having a full-tuition scholarship elsewhere. She could still go to the same college, just not on his dime.</p>
<p>What if student had not gotten a tatt, and was at school ready for the first class of freshman yr- and suddenly dad said: “I’ve changed my mind, I’m not going to pay anything for your school.” Posters here would be outraged at his reneging on his word- and rightfully so! Would some then be so quick to say it was a silly bargain and should not be enforced anyway?</p>
<p>My friend’s D got a small butterfly tattoo on the small of her back when she was in college. She kept it a secret for awhile but the Mom saw it one day. They knew the Dad wouldn’t like it…although he wouldn’t have stopped paying for her pricey private college…so they never told him. The D is now thirty years old and the Dad still doesn’t know about the tattoo. </p>
<p>My S1 got two tattoos in college and three more since graduation. I felt kind of sad about it at first but have gotten over it. It’s his body and his life. He is a hard worker who paid his own way through college on scholarships. The tatts are not visible when he has all his clothes on. I would never let something like that come between me and my kid or make him feel that I think any less of him because of tattoos but then I never forbade my kid to get one…or five.
He is an officer in the Navy in an environment where almost everybody has at least one tattoo.</p>
<p>If I was the Mom, I would not “keep the secret” from the Dad. I would make the D fess up and let the chips fall where they may.</p>
<p>I agreee with Ironmaiden’s points. It’s the parents money. They are not obligated to pay for a pricey school. I’d think it’d make a pinch in the family budget/lifestyle. It’s their money. If they want a condition to be no tattoes, then that’s how it is. D was well aware beforehand, and they haven’t changed the rules mid-stream. If she’s so adult and mature, then perhaps she should have been ready to live with the consequences. I’d also worry about how she has exhibited poor decision making skills while under the influence.</p>
<p>I don’t either, Hunt. Luckily this isn’t the case though for this student.
This student has power to control her own body and her own decisions. She also has power to select from option to pay for her own school anywhere that will accept her, she has choice of another school where she is already offered a full tuition scholarship, and might have choice of waiting a year and getting same private school deal.
If her only choice was tatts mean you go to prison, then I’d say there was no real choice. That isn’t true here.</p>
<p>“… they are well-adjusted, professional adults. The wife is not afraid of the husband, she is afraid of the consequences and damaging her relationship with her only child.”</p>
<p>Do well-adjusted adults intentionally damage relationships with their children? Sorry, I don’t get this at all. We told our kids that tattoos were something they could consider when they became independent. Without asking DD#2 got a conservative one as a college freshman, discretely located. We never considered yanking her college funding. Does that make us badly-adjusted adults?</p>
<p>I would be surprised if the full-tuition scholarship from state school was still an option. Usually they have to be accepted by early May, or they are gone, gone, gone…</p>
<p>My boss only pays me if I do the work.
If my friend “smokes like a furnace” in public, we may not keep meeting in public.
My grocer only lets me remove food if I pay for it.
I can live in my house only if I pay the mortgage.
If I date other women, I risk losing my marriage.</p>
<p>As adults, we have many choices. Am I willing to do “x” to get “y”?</p>
<p>I’m not one for making empty threats, so I would never make no tatts be a condition of our paying for college. And I also like to choose my battles–a small, out of the way tattoo wouldn’t be where I’d choose to do battle. </p>
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<p>This was my thought also. Is this kid ready to go off to a college that will require a big life style sacrifice from the parents?</p>
<p>If H were very controlling (and the wife would know, because she probably would be keeping secrets from him already), then I’d rethink telling him. But otherwise, I’d make the DAUGHTER tell Dad about the tattoo. Get everyone in the same room and say, “H, D has something to tell you.”</p>
<p>The husband is either very controlling or the wife has abdicated - or both. Why is this strictly the H’s decision? If the wife believes the consequences are too dire, then she should have just as much say as her husband. If I had made the initial mistake of marrying a man who lays down the law as he sees it without taking what I think into account, then I wouldn’t tell him.</p>
<p>I am in the camp of not liking tattoos on my kids. I never considered to make it as a condition for funding their college, but I could see how parents might. OP’s daughter knew the condition of her parents paying for college, she decided to take a chance, and she lost. If I was OP, I would give D a chance to tell her dad, but would advise H to give her an option to remove it or lose her FA. Parents are not obligated to pay for college tuition, it is their prerogative on how they want to structure the condition.</p>
<p>Mom could also give D the option of having the tatoo removed (at D’s expense) immediately, and neither of them mentioning it to H. She could give her D that choice, or the choice to tell her dad.</p>
<p>Tell D she needs to fess up to dad by the end of the year. Calendar year. That way she has a semester under her belt. I doubt he will yank college support at that time. If he does she has spring semester to figure out her options for next fall.</p>
<p>If the wife didn’t like the condition then she should have spoken up before, at the point she can’t take the daughter’s side and not tell her H.</p>