<p>For goodness sake, this so called problem is completely overblown. If Dad is such a control freak, why in the world would the Mom even consider blabbing to her husband about the D’s small hidden tattoo and starting WWIII over it?</p>
<p>A tattoo has nothing to do with D’s education. Now, if she were getting drunk, taking drugs, driving under the influence, sleeping with random boys, not attending classes, or blowing off her responsibilities, I could understand backing out the parents’s deal to send her to this particular school.</p>
<p>Yes, but . . . getting the tattoo was the result of getting drunk. </p>
<p>Depending on how the daughter dresses during the summer months, isn’t it likely the dad is going to see the tattoo whether or not anyone tells him about it?</p>
<p>IMO you are 100% wrong here. The issue is not what the condition was. The issue is that the girl knew the condition and made a choice to violate the condition (and under the influence at that). Then she is trying to blame her mother. </p>
<p>She needs to face the consequences of her actions. She wants to be an adult then here is a good lesson. To let this go is setting a terrible example. </p>
<p>We’re supposed to be parents - that means setting limits and following through when limits are exceeded! We are not their best friends. </p>
<p>No one is denying her an education. She could potentially lose her parents footing the entire bill at a pricey private. She knew that when she made her decision. If she feels that strongly about the tattoo and she still wants to go to the private then at this point she can pay. I’d only pay public at this point.</p>
<p>I am quite surprised at how quick people are to peg the husband as a control freak, which he is not. He is a caring father who just wants the best for his daughter. When the daughter decided she wanted to apply ED to an expensive private school, the parents knew they would not qualify for any financial aid. They agreed to pay for the school, even though it would make money tight for the next few years, with a few conditions. The daughter agreed to maintain a reasonable gpa, work at least part-time in the summer for spending money and not get tattoos or piercings until she graduated from college. In exchange for that, her parents agreed to pay for a very expensive college. If she chose not to agree, she had the option of going to a state school, with a full tuition scholarship from the state. The parents would pay for her room and board and other expenses, which would be less than a quarter of the cost of the private school. The daughter broke the agreement, I don’t see why people are ragging on the parents. I know getting a tattoo is not the end of the world, but it was important to the parents that the daughter wait until she graduated from college to make that choice, which she agreed to do and then reneged on. I really don’t see see why the parents are the villains here.</p>
<p>Yes she can. She can change her mind. She should be able to say to her H that the deal was a stupid one - that the consequences don’t match the behavior and that they made a mistake making the deal and daughter made a mistake getting the tattoo and go from there. Come up with new consequences that match the behavior. If she doesn’t feel free to do that or if her H can’t be reasonable, then don’t tell.</p>
<p>Interesting that NYsmile considers dad a control freak for offering a conditional gift, yet doesn’t mention student is a control freak- as student apparently believes that no matter what conditions she may break, that parent must still give a gift. Isn’t that controlling too? Trying to control dad’s money? Or maybe controlling isn’t really the word that fits.</p>
<p>But in any case, nysmile does give examples of what could justify “backing out the parents’s deal to send her to this particular school”. Among them was “getting drunk”. Did you read, nysmile, that this student IS under legal drinking age, and WAS boozed up, when she got the tattoo? So now, I see you understand that parent can back out.</p>
<p>I don’t think, based on what we’ve been told, that anybody in this family is all that well-adjusted. It makes it hard to suggest any advice (which it appears won’t be taken anyway, unless it’s to tell the dad and let the chips fall where they may).</p>
<p>But part of the discussion about relates to people’s differing philosphies about child-rearing, education, etc.–with people talking about “gifts” or “bargains” or “obligations” etc., depending on how they look at things. Personally, I can’t imagine yanking my kid’s education over something as trivial as a little hidden tattoo. But these people, apparently, can imagine it.</p>
<p>If mom keeps this secret, what on earth will D have to do to get some attention? Ink her face? Get drunk (again) and wreck the car? Get pregnant? </p>
<p>Mom and Dad drew a line in the sand, and the D crossed it, and made sure she got caught. Yes, it was a line many (OK, I) would consider foolish, but there it is. D needs to 'fess up to Dad very soon, and the family needs to figure out where to go from here.</p>
<p>I don’t think the issue is the tattoo. The condition could have been “don’t buy a plaid hamster”. Silly, but if the daughter made the decision to buy a plaid hamster anyway she made the choice to defy her parents and put the gift of tuition at risk. </p>
<p>I don’t get the Dad bashing here either. He said “you want my gift, here are the conditions”. His choice. </p>
<p>I think what cam be questioned is the decision to really stretch to pay for a pricy private when you have a full ride at a public in hand. Bad decision IMO for an undergrad degree, but that is a different discussion.</p>
<p>As an adult, I would have expected my daughter to discuss it with me first if she didn’t like the agreement we made, not to do it behind my back and still expect me to live up to my end of the bargain. </p>
<p>Our agreement with D1 about getting a car in high school was not to drink at parties and able to maintain a certain GPA in high school. Some parents may think it is unreasonable, but we didn’t need to provide her with a car either. It wad her choice as to what was important to her. Now, D1 in senior year did say that she could handle few drinks at parties, so we told her that she had a choice of us driving her or she didn’t get to go, so we modified our rules.</p>
<p>I think everyone is completely over-thinking this. The kid wanted a tattoo so she got one! She was old enough to make that decision and old enough to drink alcohol, even though it is illegal at her age. She probably thought the tattoo condition was stupid and that she wouldn’t get caught. Hardly the first teen (or adult) to make such a decision.</p>
<p>^^^^ MomofJandL has provided well-reasoned advice that’s appropriate for most families. But let’s give the girl’s mother some credit too. She’s lived her family dynamics for two decades, and probably has good reason to be concerned about how an open discussion between H and D will play out.</p>
<p>I’m reminded of a friend’s 14 year-old S who insisted on smoking in the house. Dad said “If you insist on smoking in this house then you can’t live in this house.” Son said “OK then, I’ll leave” … and he did, permanently.</p>
<p>As the mature adults, the parents do get the responsibility of taking into account how this will play out in their future relationship with their only child. They know her best. If they believe pulling funding for school right now will make their daughter stronger in the long run while still maintaining a good relationship, then I think they should do that.</p>
<p>From the OP, it sounds like the mother doesn’t think pulling college funding at this point will either make the girl grow up faster or keep their relationship. If that is the case it’s up to the mom to decide to either broach the subject with the dad, including any ramifications of pulling funding, or keep it to herself.</p>
<p>Yes, the 18 year old made a rash decision. Does that mean the parents should also make a rash decision?</p>
<p>If an 18 year old makes a rash decision with no ramifications, then that person will continue to make rash decision later with even more dire consequences. The solution is not to make the mother to keep her mouth shut.</p>
<p>There seems to be an implication here that the mother no longer supports the joint parental decision about tattoos and paying for the private university. </p>
<p>If she did support it, then when she saw the tattoo, she would have said, “Of course, you have to withdraw from the private school immediately because we will not be paying for it. I suggest you call State U to see whether you can still get in or whether you will need to wait a year.”</p>
<p>I think this is an important aspect of the situation. The mother seems to think that the decision she and her husband made was not, in retrospect, a good one.</p>
<p>Another thing worth considering: This tattoo is in a relatively private place on the daughter’s body. The mother likely saw it when the daughter was dressing or undressing; female family members may not be particularly strict about privacy from each other in such situations. But telling the father probably implies that the daughter will be asked to partially undress in front of him to show him a tattoo in a relatively private place. This in itself is an awkward situation.</p>
<p>It is not so private. It is above the bikini line. I am sure the mother saw it when the daughter put on her bikini, this is only beginning of summer.</p>
<p>Iron Maiden- Why the head shaking? What makes YOU the expert on the motives of a family that is not even that of the OP? I’m just saying that young people DO make bad decisions just because… And to go on and question the decision to send the kid to a private school? Please…don’t get your nose so out of joint.</p>
<p>Just Wow. What are the parents going to do if something really serious happens. Unfortunately, the parents equate paying for school with owning her body.</p>