<p>I’ll say it again. The parents made the condition of a very large tutition gift that the girl not a get a tattoo. She got drunk at 18 and did it anyway. She made a decision. And now wants to lie about it and is telling her mother that her mother will “ruin her life” if she tells her father. </p>
<p>I strongly believe that a parents job is to set limits and to enforce consequences when limits are broken. According to your post is it was ok for the girl to do whatever she wants and she should not suffer consequences. We disagree.</p>
<p>Gotta wonder how that clause ended up in their college agreement to start with. They must have had some back and forth on this issue previous to that. Honestly, it would never occur to me to even tell my kids not to get tattoos or piercings beyond the basic first one in the earlobe because they have zero interest in it. Wondering if the girl has pierced ears… if so, why is that piercing okay, but others aren’t?</p>
<p>I think a large percentage of decisions made by 18-year-olds are rash. That’s why we try to keep them from drinking.</p>
<p>
This, of course, is an unfair characterization of those who thinks the mother shouldn’t tell, or that the parents shouldn’t yank her education support. There is a big difference between something trivial (like a hidden tattoo) and “anything she wants.” Of course, these parents have the right to determine what they think is trivial–but I have the right to think that they are absurdly overreacting.</p>
<p>And to be fair, perhaps when you say “consequences” you don’t necessarily mean the extreme consequences.</p>
<p>The consensus seems that the no tattoos requirement was a bit much BUT all agreed. Obviously, mom must tell dad and daughter must suffer some consequence for breaking her word. My suggestion is the daughter sign up for a small college loan ($5,500/year). This provides a consequence but also gives her some economic responsibility for her education. Even though we can pay all of our daughter’s college costs (she starts in the fall at a small Eastern LAC), she has taken out the type of loan I suggested. Of course, nothing prevents us from paying off the loan when she graduates (but she doesn’t know that and we’re not telling). Good luck.</p>
<p>Sounds to me like the daughter did this on purpose, knowing full well she would be opening a great big can of whoop-ass. I know of parents who pay for college, but have a list of conditions as long as my arm. I know others who make no conditions. If the daughter knew the conditions and chose to ignore them, that seems a deliberate action designed to test the list. What hurts is she put the burden on the mom. There do seem to be deeper problems here.
When my college sophomore came home with a pierced belly button, what could I do? She’s 20. She spent her own money. She didn’t consult me (at least it can be removed). At what point do adult children have to stop asking for permission to do things? I say 18, if they spend their own money. If parents make these big long lists of conditions, they are setting themselves up for situations like this.</p>
<p>I agree with Ironmaiden. Sadly, with some kids all they can understand are the firm posts in life. If you waver, they will push and test you constantly and always want to take that chance. The best you can do in that situation is to be clear that you mean what you say. Yes, it’s just a tattoo and I agree that it was as stupid condition the parents made for something as important as college. I know the parents are going to suffer over this one too, probably more than the kid. The old “it’s hurts me more than you” does often hold in parenthood and kids. I think that if you let an inch go with some kids, they take the whole mile.</p>
<p>Also, there is a problem with 18 year olds still at home, going out and getting drunk. Maybe this girl needs another year of growing up. I don’t think a gap year will be a big deal. It will also give the parents time to understand what kind of things are important to put down as conditions for something. I had to learn not to make idle threats when many times they are on the tip of my tongue after having to swallow them. Yes, it hurts, it’s miserable, but the other consequences can be worse. </p>
<p>The girl had a deal; she broke it, and now she has to take the consequences. Maybe next year she can live up to the conditions, or maybe the conditions can be revamped. My cousins son did shape up in the two years he spent at home before going off to Big State U after he showed that he could not uphold his end of the deal in terms of getting his way paid. The tattoo is only a visible proof of her drunken activities. Who knows what else is going on her? Really, that is more the problem to me than the tattoo, but the tattoo is a firm visible piece of evidence of how seriously the girl took anything her parents had to say in terms of conditions for getting college paid.</p>
<p>The issue of tattoos was discussed at length, due to an older cousin who got several tattoos and is in the process of getting them removed, at considerable expense. Removal is an option they are discussing. More info on the tattoo itself. It is a red heart, 3-4 inches, with her boyfriend’s initial on a ribbon wrapping around the heart. It is clearly visible in a bathing suit, unless it is a one piece. The father is coming home early, tonight or tomorrow, not related to this, just finished his business early. The daughter plans to talk to him then.</p>
<p>Never tattoo a BF’s initial, what was she thinking. If it was a flower or butterfly…Dad is going to blow or make them get married, it is more permanent than getting married.</p>
<p>I’m stuck on the financial issues: this private college will be difficult for the parents to pay for, they’re in their late 50s (close to retirement age), and D was offered a full ride to a public college. Why on earth would they pay for the private college–to the tune of $200K!–in that situation? Is it possible the D got the tattoo to give herself and her parents a way out of this craziness?</p>
<p>The fact that it is a boyfriend’s initials sheds new light. S T U P I D!! Ask some of the celebrities how that worked out for them! Oh well, maybe she will eventually marry someone with the same initials!</p>
<p>Have to admit, I was not envisioning a “stupid” tattoo… BF’s initial? She will want to be rid of that by the time she graduates from college. Hmm… wonder exactly how the deal is worded. If it says she won’t have a tattoo by the time she graduates, I am guessing she will want to ditch this one anyway in a year or two!</p>
<p>OMG! MOWC beat me to it. A heart with the bf’s initials??? That’s the most idiotic part of this situation. The parents should save their money and send her to the state school. At this rate I doubt she’ll make it to graduation.</p>
<p>Let me guess…BF is going to State U, where daughter will end up if her parents pull the money for the expensive place. And he was with her when she got the tattoo. Sounds a little unhealthy to me. Does he have a tattoo with her initial, or is this relationship one sided?</p>
<p>As a recent grad who was told “no tattoos” (technically while you’re still in college, implied, no tattoos ever) who got one, while in this situation, I’m doubtful she actually seriously considered it and chose to exercise bodily autonomy, trusting she wouldn’t get caught (drunk, spur of the moment, BFs initials), it’s certainly possible to violate parental conditions on their college education gift while not “intending to get caught/hoping for a consequence.” Indeed, her choice of placement suggests she DIDN’T want to get caught.</p>
<p>I got a small tattoo my sophomore year. I had the design picked out for 3 years, and placed it next to my mirror for the year before I got the tattoo, to ensure I wouldn’t get sick of it. The design has personal meaning to me (a meaning that will not change with life circumstances) but I also thought about future career and body implications and chose a spot which would never be visible in a professional context, in an area of the body where skin doesn’t stretch as much with weight gain/loss and at a size that makes it reasonably easy to conceal with tattoo concealar makeup, should that ever become necessary (I don’t expect it to). Most people who find out I have a tattoo are quite surprised, since I’m generally a fairly conservative person and am in a conservative industry. No one has ever “found out” about my tattoo - ie, realized I had one without my explicitly showing them - and I knew when I got it that the consequences, should my parents have found out, would have certainly been to stop paying for my expensive private school. I believe this would have been a mistake on their end, as I graduated with honors, have gainful employment and admission to the #1 graduate program in my field. So yeah, derailing it all over a tattoo would have been silly.</p>
<p>That’s why I made damn sure they wouldn’t find out. But honestly, if they had? The right thing for them to have done would have been to scale back on the unreasonable expectation they set forth in the first place. The kid’s body, the kid’s choice. In this case, w/ BFs initial on the tattoo, believe me, she’ll be kicking herself enough later, she doesn’t need her parents to do it too.</p>
<p>THIS (paying or not paying for college over a tattoo issue) is an example of playing the “money card”. (Unlike what some thought in that other thread)</p>
<p>This tattoo is ARBITRARY. It’s not like some huge thing on her neck or obvious place (which some might argue is still arbitrary).</p>
<p>It is NONE of either parents’ business if she has a small tattoo UNDER her clothes!!!</p>
<p>Agreed, but the card has already been played. It was played the day the parents set the condition.</p>
<p>Now the problem is whether it is more damaging to the daughter and the family as a whole for the parents to keep to the conditions they set or to modify them.</p>