<p>Three-four inches that can been seen in a bathing suit (that the daughter wears) is not small and discrete…it just isn’t. A tiny butterfly on her tush that would only be seen in intimate situations…that’s discrete. The daughter clearly knew this was going to be seen. If this was done months ago she also had plenty of time to go to mom and say she made a mistake, used terrible judgement, and ask with her help to get it removed. That’s not what happened. She puffed her chest out like a small child insisting that the mother was at fault if anything came of this…Oh really?!</p>
<p>Nope, I’d step back and let the daughter tell the father, then speak with the father to discuss how to proceed. It doesn’t matter one iota if we agree with the stipulation of their agreement. It was their agreement. She clearly defied it, showed no remorse, acted like an immature child with the mother regarding telling the father. The very fact that the tattoo has the BFs initials shows a very good reason why the parents asked her to wait until she graduated to make such decisions. The daughter just made their case…poor, poor judgement.</p>
<p>@ MOWC - Yes, Johnny Depp had ‘Winona Forever’ that eventually turned into simply ‘Wino Forever’. I love Johnny Depp but I think that’s one he’d rather not have. Few people purposely have ‘Wino’ tattooed on themselves…classy.</p>
<p>*but the card has already been played. It was played the day the parents set the condition.</p>
<p>Now the problem is whether it is more damaging to the daughter and the family as a whole for the parents to keep to the conditions they set or to modify them. *</p>
<p>When parents have made UNREASONABLE demands then it is up to them to set a good example and MAN UP and admit it. Who amongst us hasn’t unintentionally made a rule that had some kind of “unintended consequence”? When that happens, you “man up” and admit it. </p>
<p>I do not think it’s right to say, “well, this was the rule from the beginning.” What if the rule had been, “Uh, we won’t pay for your education if you have sex anytime during college.”…or…“We won’t pay if we find out that you’re gay”…or…some other thing that is irrelevant and over-reaching??? </p>
<p>Parents should never stick by a rule when it is over-reaching!!!</p>
<p>I don’t care what the parents decide. The issue I see is that is seems the Dad is the “decider.” If the mom completely agreed with the consequences, then this thread wouldn’t exist. She is obviously having buyer’s remorse, but is suggesting that Dad holds all the cards. That is being controlling. The part that bothers me is that the Dad has more say in this than the Mom. Surely everyone has made a bad deal in their lives. Mom must think they made a bad deal or she wouldn’t have any problem with the consequences. </p>
<p>I’m surprised the D told her mom about the drinking. Of course, mom doesn’t want to reward the honesty by making sure D never tells her anything else for the rest of her life. We have all walked that line of encouraging our kids to be honest with us and then not quite knowing what to do about the thing they are honest about. We all want to do the thing that opens the lines of communication - not closes them. Just based on what the OP has posted, it sounds as though the lines of communication with Dad go one way.</p>
<p>At least she didn’t get a tattoo on a part of her body that would be visible in business clothing. </p>
<p>I am still disturbed by the parents setting a condition of a type where the daughter’s compliance can only be determined by having her strip naked in front of her father. (“OK, before I write this tuition check, I need to verify that you don’t have a genital piercing or nipple ring.”)</p>
<p>*I am still disturbed by the parents setting a condition of a type where the daughter’s compliance can only be determined by having her strip naked in front of her father. (“OK, before I write this tuition check, I need to verify that you don’t have a genital piercing or nipple ring.”) *</p>
<p>I thought the SAME thing. What if this girl had gotten the tattoo in a much lower area. It sounds like this one was only discovered because it was peaking above panties or bikini bottom. If it had been on her hiney or lower bikini area, the parents wouldn’t have seen/known unless a stripsearch had been conducted.</p>
<p>The fact that the BF’s initials are the tattoo is a totally separate issue - which may come into play and prevent rational thinking. The parents (dad!!!) is easily going to conclude that his 18 YO daughter is obviously having sex…which is going to compound this issue. </p>
<p>(why any college-bound 18YO would get a BF’s initials tattoo’d is beyond me…but kids don’t always have discernment. After the breakup, I’d make her pay for the removal. I wouldn’t pay for it. lol)</p>
<p>To me, the tatoo itself is irrelevant. What is relevant to me is that a daughter is asking her mother to lie to the father. As far as I know, all three of the people in this situation entered into this agreement under amicable and honest terms, and those terms were violated. My kids know that their dad and I are a united force, and that has always made parenting easier for us. If it were me, I would give my daughter 48 hours to tell the truth to the dad, or I would tell him myself.</p>
<p>On this I agree. I have always tried very, very hard not to make consequences (read threats) that I am not prepared to follow through with (ie when the kids were very young “if you don’t behave we will leave this restaurant”…if I have no intention on leaving it’s foolish to say this). I have come to find there are situations where it is far more important that I behave like a reasonable adult and re-evaluate a situation. Not often, but it does happen. My kids don’t take advantage, nor do they think rules are fluid or bendy. It is human and graceful IMHO to admit when something just isn’t in the long term-best interest.</p>
<p>I’m not saying that’s what should happen. It’s not my family, my child, and there is always another side to the story. I do think they should at least re-think their position…I would.</p>
<p>Kids pick up on this sort of thing very early, in my experience.</p>
<p>I remember being in a supermarket with my then-four-year-old son when a mother told her dawdling child, “If you don’t come with me right now, I’m going to leave you here.” My son turned to me, gave me a Look (four-year-olds already have an impressive repertoire of Looks) and said “She’s not going to do that.”</p>
<p>IMHO, the daughter has two strikes against her. First was, in knowing the conditions set upon her, she chose to violate one, knowing what may happen. The second strike is that she lied by keeping it hidden from her parents. This leads me to wonder what else she is willing to do when she is away at school. What parent wants to pay for party all the time, even for one semester? </p>
<p>While it’s good that the daughter is going to tell her father, she could have mitigated her violation by being up front with the tattoo, once she realized what she had done. At least it would have given the family some options and her some time to atone for it. If I was the father, I’d feel that she backed me into a corner and that I’d have to follow through on the consequences of her bad decision. For me, it’s not the tattoo, it’s her lying about it for so long that is the main problem. It’s the loss of trust.</p>
<p>I have major problems with any parent who believes that he or she has ownership rights over their 18+ year old child’s body, and uses economic blackmail to try to assert such ownership rights. It’s repulsive and creepy.</p>
<p>But did she lie? As indicated by some posts just a little above this, there is a difference of opinion about whether keeping a secret is the same as lying.</p>
<p>When I was a young adult, my sibling did something that would have prompted a very intense negative reaction from one of our parents. I knew about it. I said nothing. If my parent had ever asked, “Has [name of sibling] ever done [thing to which parent intensely objected]?” and I said no, then I would have been lying. But was I lying when I refrained from mentioning the topic?</p>
<p>No, for the mom to not tell dad based on the prior agreement is lying by omission. If there was no agreement not telling would be not telling…wrong in my opinion, but not lying. The prior agreement is what makes the difference here. </p>
<p>We are big in our house about lying by omission. We have one son who is extremely literal and you have to ask him very, very direct questions. He had to learn the concept of lying by omission, and the spirit of intent in a question. It’s something most of us learn naturally.</p>
<p>Honestly, the more I think about it, the more I think this tattoo choice is SO stupid that the parents really don’t need to punish her. Time will take care of that. If I were the mom and felt obligated to tell the dad, I would use that argument. Ha… I am not even sure I would allow her to remove it, it is so dumb. Make her wait until she really doesn’t want it herself (or has to explain to some other BF why she had “T” on her body when his name is Bill…).</p>
<p>“I have major problems with any parent who believes that he or she has ownership rights over their 18+ year old child’s body, and uses economic blackmail to try to assert such ownership rights. It’s repulsive and creepy.”</p>
<p>Sorry Donna, luv ya but …</p>
<p>I have major problems with any 18 year-old who believes that he or she has ownership rights over their parents resources and relationships, and uses confrontational behavior to assert such ownership rights. It’s repulsive and creepy.</p>
<p>Why not have the daughter work a part-time job to pay for the cost of removing the tattoo? The parents could change the deal so that college money is contingent on making acceptable progress towards being able to pay for removal. </p>
<p>Since the girl’s 18 now, they could even write up a contract specifying that failure to have the tattoo removed will result in the daughter’s being liable for the full amount of the parents’ financial contribution.</p>
<p>A simpler alternative, while somewhat more costly, would be for the parents to pay the cost to have the tattoo removed. That would at least be benevolent.</p>