Daughter hid tattoo from parents

Parent Cafe
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<p>We are big in our house about lying by omission. We have one son who is extremely literal and you have to ask him very, very direct questions. He had to learn the concept of lying by omission, and the spirit of intent in a question. It’s something most of us learn naturally.</p>

<p>Yes…there is a such a thing as “lying by omission.”</p>

<p>That said, there is also situations that totally mitigate that. That is when the questioner has NO RIGHT to the answer. </p>

<p>for instance, if the parents had made the rule, “We will pay for your education as long as you go to church every Sunday while at school.” If the child stopped, the child has no obligation to tell because they had no right to make that stipulation and therefore have no right to an answer. </p>

<p>The same would apply to other over-reaching demands…no sex in college, you can’t announce that you’re gay in college, you can’t date in college, etc, etc.</p>

<p>It is not lying or lying by omission when people expect answers/information about things that they have no right to know.</p>

<p>I don’t think the parents had a right to know about a tattoo in a private area of a legal adult. It may have been a stupid thing to do, but they have not right to that info.</p>

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<p>I agree with this Donna. But I think we might be the only ones. But, IMO, it’s abusive.</p>

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<p>^^ @ mom2collegekids</p>

<p>We’re going to agree to disagree on this one. </p>

<p>It’s not up to us to decide if the parents have a right to know or not, if the terms were over-reaching or not. They were the terms that apparently everyone agreed to. If you enter into an agreement and withhold information that you have broken that agreement IMHO that is lying by omission. That’s simply my opinion. I completely respect your opinion that the parents made unreasonable demands and therefore don’t have a right to the information…I don’t feel the same way…but I respect your opinion.</p>

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<p>I don’t care if the tattoo was a teeny one between the toes that says Love Mom and Dad. When you make a deal, you don’t get drunk and break it, and then ask someone to keep mum when you are stupid enough to get caught. Yes, this is too typical of teen and young adult idiocy, but sadly, not keeping the terms of the agreement, means you don’t get what was coming to you. I say sadly, because the parents should not be mad, but sad. I’ve cried alongside my kids when they screwed up something and I had to let them get the consequences. I used to get mad, but after ever so many times it happened, I just got honest with my emotions or just plain worn out and cried because, really, truly I am sad.</p>

<p>So she can live at home for the year. Not at state U with BF, but she can earn some money, work the soup kitchen, take a breather from this social and academic roller coaster she is riding, and look at herself a little more closely. That last year of high school is truly one that is filled with ups and downs and so much drama. I think a gap year would not be a punishment but a time to reflect and pull it together… The tattoo is just the tangible, visible tip of a lot that is not going right for this young woman,</p>

<p>My husband’s cousin who kept his son home said that those two years were eye opening. The young man had been heading into trouble that they had no idea was there. That he got caught doing something that made them pause and take a break might have saved a lot of heart ache later. More than half of the kids that he was with got into some trouble that had them take a year off later in the process, and that’s just what they know for sure. </p>

<p>It’s not a punishment. Sending an irresponsible 18 year old off to college who has just flung in your face what s/he thinks about any of the rules and opinions you have when you are spending that kind of money, is not a wise decisions to make. Going away to college is a great privilege and for a parent to pay what some of these colleges cost, is truly a privilege that these kids are getting. If they can’t go by simple conditions to get that great opportunity, they are probably not ready to deal with the other temptations and go by the other conditions the parents may have.</p>

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<p>“I don’t think the parents had a right to know about a tattoo in a private area of a legal adult. It may have been a stupid thing to do, but they have not right to that info.”</p>

<p>Perhaps … perhaps not. In any case the point’s irrelevant since Mom already knows about the tattoo, and is being put in the difficult position of telling/not telling Dad. Consider what’s likely to occur if Mom stays quiet now, and Dad finds out later:</p>

<p>Daughter: “I don’t know why you’re so upset Dad. Mom’s known about it forever!”
Father (to Mother): “You KNEW about this?”</p>

106

<p>I still want to know how the tattoo was caught–was the D stupid, or deliberate, or was it something else.</p>

<p>When our kids were small, we liked the idea of punishments being “natural consequences” of bad acts–that is, they would somehow flow from the bad act and thus be proportional to the bad act. Here, it seems to me that this might be making her pay to have it removed. But yanking her educational support is disproportionate and not a natural consequence.</p>

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<p>Not the only ones. I agree with both of you. As I said earlier, this kind of behavior on the part of parents boggles my mind. What in the world would they do if they were faced with an actual, serious issue?</p>

108

<p>On the one hand, it makes good sense for parents to stick to their guns when they make deals with their children. As in, 16 y.o. child, if you ever drive this car having imbibed, you will lose the car and never get it back, but as much as I expect you not to drink, if you call me because you need a ride home, you will not suffer significant negative consequences. Ta da. Makes sense, the consequence is a logical one.</p>

<p>On the other hand, there are other deals that seem to me to be unreasonable and weirdly intrusive, as in, if you ever straighten your lovely naturally curly hair, you will lose the car.</p>

<p>To my mind, the deal the OP’s friend made with her daughter represents the second kind of deal. It is about as reasonable as predicating payment for college on the child getting a tattoo. It is a real muscle-flexing, power-mongering move on the part of the dad, as in, I control even the most intimate details of your life and your body, unless, of course, you wish to forgo attending the college of your choice.</p>

<p>Obviously, it was idiotic for the daughter to run out, get plastered and get a large tattoo with her B.F.'s initials. But I find myself wondering what other ways the father (and maybe the well-adjusted, assertive mother, too) have been controlling and continue to try to control this young woman. </p>

<p>Maybe, finally, on her way to getting out from under the parents’ daily scrutiny, the kid just had had enough. If she deeply wants to attend the private college, standing up to dad and mom does seem a bit short-sighted and not the most mature move ever. But maybe breaking away in a big, splashy, visible way, etched indelibly on her body, that she can’t really take back, taking ownership, is not a completely unhealthy move here.</p>

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<p>I am with you, alwaysamom, GTalum and Donna. There are far greater risks the daughter could take with her body when she goes off to college and the parents won’t have a clue. At 18, she has the right to decide what she does with her own body-even if it is stupid. You really can’t control them forever. (My first actually put an end to that at age 11).</p>

<p>I also agree with an earlier poster who claims that, if a parent makes an unreasonable ultimatum, there is nothing wrong with admitting that. It is not as though the parents are backing down on everything under pressure. It demonstrates maturity to admit that you may have been wrong. It also sends the message that a person can change their mind. No, you are not happy about the tattoo, but it certainly doesn’t trump an education.</p>

<p>FWIW, I was in charge of a competitive biology university research program for several years. The admitted students were the cream of the crop. It was a wake up call for me to see how many students had piercings and tattoos. It really does not have the connotation it once did.</p>

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<p>“At 18, she has the right to decide what she does with her own body-even if it is stupid.”</p>

<p>I’m unclear as to what the “stupid” refers to:
(a) Getting a tattoo NOW when doing so might sacrifice her college of choice?
(b) Getting a tattoo of size, color and type guaranteed to set her Dad off?
(c) Asking her mother to violate spousal trust by keeping quiet about the tattoo?
(d) Anticipating that there would be no repercussions?</p>

<p>Um, how about this … “If you must be stupid my child, please be stupid in your own space, rather than ours.”</p>

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<p>I don’t see the dad has having the “power” in the family as much as being the one perceived to have the backbone. Mom isn’t ok with the tattoo or the lying, she just is having a hard time facing the disappointment of not being able to send the D to the private school. </p>

<p>There were probably some major family discussions about going to the expensive private college instead of the low-cost instate one, it must have been a hard decision for the parents. Part of the deal was that they got to put some limits on D that might not have been in place for the state school. It’s ok for any of us to disagree with the conditions, but part of parenting is teaching kids to live up to their commitments or suffer the consequences. </p>

<p>A tattoo this size and location was not going to stay hidden if it shows when she wears a bathing suit. Some of the comments about strip searches are creeping me out - the parents probably assumed there was no tattoo unless they saw or were told otherwise. The D may have wanted to get caught, and the BF may have wanted her to get caught. If there is a controlling and manipulative male in this saga, I suspect it is the BF.</p>

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<p>Is it not offensive to anyone else that some of the posters seem to think they know better than this girl’s parents what is fair and right when it comes to raising this child?</p>

<p>@fishymom: Absolutely tell your husband about this. You are a bad person if you do not.</p>

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<p>Doesn’t bother me a bit. This is an online WWYD kind of conversation, we all only know what we’ve read (some of us not even that), and the whole point about what fishymom tells her husband is irrelevant anyway since the OP (fishymom) is not the mom of the student in question here - she’s posting about a friend’s situation.</p>

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<p>Forget you know anything about the tattoo. You never saw it. It doesn’t bear mentioning. Get on with life.</p>

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<p>No. I think some things are objectively fair and right (or unfair and wrong). Not respecting the bodily autonomy of your adult children is (to me) one of those things that is objectively wrong. Would the parents have pulled funding for school if D had chosen to go on birth control? What if she had had an abortion? If she had decided to spend her year abroad doing dangerous aid work in Africa? If she dated a woman? If she drank alcohol on Friday nights? </p>

<p>Lots of parents can and do pull funding for school after actions like those. I don’t think it’s wrong to say those parents are wrong to do so, individual young adults being different or not.</p>

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<p>Welcome to CC in which we pass judgement on limited information. It is a message board. Sorry, I really can’t imagine any situation in which it is OK to assert such ownership over your ADULT child and using money to maintain said ownership. It is creepy as having ownership over the child’s body is the reason given in abusive situations. </p>

<p>failsafe alluded to the slippery slope that asserting such control can lead to. </p>

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<p>Didn’t you just say we shouldn’t pass judgment?</p>

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<p>How do you know what is objectively fair and right? I’m sure you’ll admit you’re not sure what is or what isn’t objectively right… well, fairly sure.</p>

<p>Would you pull funding for any reason?</p>

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No, I just said it was offensive.</p>

<p>For instance, CAPITALIZING words in your sentence doesn’t serve any literary purpose of which I’m aware.</p>

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<p>Interesting how many people have strong opinions, but have not bothered to read the thread. It is not fishymom’s D and H involved, but a friend’s D who has done this. </p>

<p>Newhope33, you missed what is stupid about this. It is a 17/18 year old having her boyfriend’s initial tattooed on herself. THAT is what is dumb… in fact, if she goes off to school, the turkey-drop that will likely be happening in late November will guarantee that she has remorse over her silly choice. If her parents want her to decide she doesn’t want it and get it removed, sending her off to school is probably their best course of action.</p>

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<p>intparent - Thank you for making my point … the decision was stupid on MANY levels. The young lady might be an adult in years, but her maturity has bit of catching up to do.</p>