<p>Regarding her attitude? That is just good old fashioned rebellion. You also have to take into account that she was less than sober when she did this. (We’ve all done stupid things when drunk)</p>
<p>Okay, in the spirit of full disclosure, I didn’t read the entire thread. I posted early this morning and did read most of it when i got home but, Jeez…it’s really long!</p>
<p>I hate tattoos. Hate them. I tell my kids to imagine that they put a shirt on in third grade and now they are stuck wearing it forever. That, I explain, is a tattoo. Your taste and decision making stuck in a time warp. So far neither of my Ds has gotten one (unless it’s in a place I can’t see and if it is, i don’t care about it anyway).</p>
<p>Having said that. I agree on the importance of follow through in parenting situations that involve consequences but, as several have pointed out, it is very important to be sure that you are setting rules that are reasonable and IMPORTANT. </p>
<p>What if the “agreement” was (and yes, I know this out there but bear with me) that the parents WANTED the D to get a tattoo and her private college education was hinging on it. The D agrees initially but when the time comes to actually get the tattoo, she changes her mind. Would we think the Dad was controlling in this situation? Would we say that the D has the right to make decisions about her own body?</p>
<p>A lot of us teenagers and college students will always test the boundaries of authority. It’s natural instinct, of course, but there are some things that are just plain no-no. The “good old-fashioned rebellion” (with respect to your post and context) may extend to things like DUI and drugs. It’s the parents who must set the limits on what is and what is not okay. For a lot of parents here, getting a tattoo may be okay, but to the parents the OP described, it is not. If it is the teen’s role to rebel, then it is the parents’ role to put their foot down.</p>
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<p>Exactly. This girl needs an attitude adjustment. And she’s stupidly provided her parents an opportunity to give her big one. Instead of being contrite, she tries to guilt her mother into covering up for her. Yeesh!</p>
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<p>Well, the parents just can’t have it removed. The kid has to remove it herself. I think pulling funding for a tattoo is crazy also. But what punishment would you suggest?</p>
<p>I hope the parents make her twist in the wind for a while, let her go to school “on parent probation” for a year with a more rational list of activities that WOULD make make the parents pull the plug on this expensive education and send her to state school.</p>
<p>I’d certainly think about making getting an alcohol infraction one of these items. Obviously, she does dumb things when she is drunk.</p>
<p>Have you ever seen what happens when you have a tattoo removed?</p>
<p>They use a laser to essentially burn off the top layer of skin. In the end you have this smooth surface that looks pretty much like a scar. it is still very noticeable.</p>
<p>Having that for the rest of your life is punishment enough IMHO.</p>
<p>Assuming the tattoo stays, what punishment would you suggest?</p>
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<p>Okay, if that’s what you think I meant, then how would you read it?</p>
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It is when you have made an agreement with your parents that you will wait until you have graduated college to make this decision. and accepted their generous offer of a private education. They didn’t say “We don’t like tattoos and think they are tacky and want you to agree to never ever in your life get one.”. They asked her to agree to postpone making the decision until she graduated from college, at a time they felt she would be more mature and make the decision and possibly get a tasteful tattoo placed out of sight, done while she was sober, and didn’t have a BF’s name on it (or ‘sexy-momma’). Wait a few years, that’s all they asked…and she agreed.</p>
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The agreement was between the daughter and her parents, not just the father. The price of a private university was going to be four times the price of the public university and a financial strain in the parents. If they were going to make the sacrifice they asked that she respect their wishes on this while in school. We don’t have to agree with it, but it’s certainly their right to put whatever stipulation they want. Who knows what kind of ‘full court press’ the daughter put on the parents to go to the private u knowing it was going to be a financial burden. Perhaps the daughter had been talking about a tattoo, the parents voiced concern based on the cousins experience, and the daughter suggested this compromise (send me to the expensive private school and I’ll wait to get a tattoo). We have no idea how this came about. What we do know is they all agreed to it.</p>
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Who said these parents don’t love their child. We don’t even know what the result is going to be. Cutting her out of their life would indicate they don’t love her. Making a different parenting decision then you or I would does not indicate that they don’t love her.</p>
<p>I would have her get the tattoo removed. The tattoo in itself isn’t what I would call “meaningful”. It was done when she was drunk regarding a BF she doesn’t have now. (The situation would be entirely different is she got a tattoo that was meaningful to her. Like a Chinese symbol for strength etc… That sort of thing)</p>
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<p>That isn’t what you meant? What did you mean? I’m confused by your question.</p>
<p>I’m just not a scar person…but not a tattoo person either…</p>
<p>@blueiguana: The agreement wasn’t rational to begin with. Tying an education to a tattoo is nothing short of irrational IMHO. That pretty much makes the agreement null and avoid from my perspective. I still agree that there should be a punishment though.</p>
<p>From a teenage perspective this is a classic: “Well, I will agree to this now since it will shut them up, and eventually I will get them to change their minds”</p>
<p>“If the wife didn’t like the condition then she should have spoken up before, at the point she can’t take the daughter’s side and not tell her H.” - Well the mom probably never dreamed that the D would be so stupid to risk her education over the issue…</p>
<p>ellemenope:
First, looking back at that post of mine, I realize it wasn’t a good one and may have come off as ever-so-slightly hostile (or at least, annoyed). If it did, then I’m sorry.</p>
<p>That being said, I was asking how you would interpret the daughter’s actions if they were not about attitude.</p>
<p>I didn’t think she was trying to “guilt” the mother, but she had no guilt herself and didn’t seem to intend to have any. She didn’t want to obey, and now the good mother is in this dilemma. The daughter should share the responsibility of telling the dad, if that was what was decided, not trying to remove herself from said responsibility. (Then, it would be up to the mother to do something, and ignoring the issue would be difficult for her.)</p>
<p>I agree that the “no tattoo / piercing” policy may be kind of strange for some people to comprehend, as it is for me, but at the end of the day the parents are not yanking her college education. The daughter would attend a state school and her parents would still pay her room & board, etc. instead of footing the bill for a private university that is 5x more expensive than a full ride at a local state university. Conceptually (disregard the fact that you may think the stipulation is silly), how is this any different from a parent stipulating to their child that they will pay for Harvard if the student maintains a 3.0 GPA or higher…if the student doesnt then they will stop footing the bill and the student can attend the local state university where he/she had a full ride? I assume that many CC parents that were faced with this kind of decision (free state school v. expensive private school) put some sort of stipulations around attendance - whether its a GPA requirement, no drugs/alcohol, part-time job, number of visits back home each school year, etc, etc. Some of us may find your own stipulations silly (I had a friend with very religious parents that allowed her to attend a non-catholic university if she agreed to attend mass every week while at school and report back to them on the sermon, readings, etc. if not they noted they would force her to transfer to a religious university)…yes to most of us this seems weird but each parent has different priorities and if the adult daughter has agreed to abide by their rules in exchange for the opportunity to attend a more expensive university then she should have thought of the consequences and the parents should follow through and have the daughter enroll at the local state university. She is still going to get a good education and it will be cheaper for the parents.</p>
<p>Think about this “agreement”. If you stay unmarred by a tattoo we will pay for a private college education. If you get a tattoo, you are destined for a state school. What? </p>
<p>I guess we can make paying for our child’s education dependent on just about anything that we want them to comply with. I wish I had thought of this a few years ago but, crazy me, i just based it on the best school I could afford that they gained admittance to. I informed them that I would only pay for consistently passing grades and anything sub par would be on their dime. It didn’t really occur to me that I could use their education as leverage over every decision they might be in a position to make.</p>
<p>As far as telling the H. I would talk to him alone, privately and tell him that I had been thinking about this issue and reconsidered my position. i would tell him what the D did and that as PARTNERS we need to rethink this. I would certainly have consequences for the D but they would be proportionate to the misdeed.</p>
<p>And when someone tells me something in confidence, unless it is dangerous and my H needs to be told, I keep the secret to myself.</p>
<p>Of course the mom could always use the strategy where she sits the dad down and tells him the D is pregnant, eloped with a drug addict and is moving to a trailer park. Then pull the “just kidding…but she did get a tattoo.”</p>
<p>Somehow, I think he’ll be okay with the tattoo.</p>
<p>OK, it’s taken 175 posts but I think I’ve got it.</p>
<p>The D agreed to “no tattoos until after college” but she shouldn’t be held to her agreement because of an unequal power relationship between her (powerless) and her parents (powerful). She was entitled to the tattoo because she’s legally an adult … but shouldn’t be held accountable for her stupid decisions because, sigh, she’s really just a child. Above all, she’s entitled to a high-end education because there’s really no good alternative at this point due to her election to apply ED. The gap year is out because it deprives the dear thing of her right to college immediately following high school. Punishment is out because … well, because there’s nothing approaching concensus on what punishment might be appropriate, nor who should make the final decision on punishment. (Can’t be the Dad, because his insistence on “no tattoos until after college” is CLEARLY out-of-bounds. Can’t be Mom, because she agreed with Dad. Can’t be removal of the tatt because of the scar it will leave. Can’t be … well you get the picture.) </p>
<p>I’ve got a solution … Dad and Mom apologize for their overbearing ways. They buy D a new Corvette as reward for asserting her independence, pat her on the back and send her off to high-priced U. (Bonus points for shoving a couple bottles of booze in the trunk before she leaves … because we can’t risk daughter’s future by forcing her to present false ID at the package store!)</p>
<p>^^^^
I think you’ve nailed it!</p>
<p>The parents do not seem unreasonable at all. <em>shakes head</em> I would think parents would be the more conservative ones, but I guess it’s easier to question the behaviors of those roughly the same age (for both teenagers and parents).</p>
<p>It’s sometimes shocking what is deemed as acceptable nowadays (some for the better and some for the worse).</p>
<p>The daughter seems to have had enough liberties as it is, being somehow able to get out to drunk and get a tattoo, and the OP has said that she was a little “spoiled.” Being able to still do that means that her parents are not “overbearing” or “controlling.” If the parents are serious about not getting a tattoo (and I personally think it’s fine that they are), then they would threaten her in the most insane way possible, believing that they would not have to take this route, that it would be extreme enough to make her think twice. Obviously, it hasn’t.</p>