Daughter is hearbroken...crush heading to college

<p>My 14 yr old (freshman) is in her room crying herself to sleep right now. She's had a crush on a senior for some time although it's apparent I didn't realize how hard she had fallen for this boy. I just discovered they've been doing a lot of texting so it's possible he likes her too, but she says he doesn't.</p>

<p>Well, tomorrow is the last day of school for seniors and soon he will be heading off to college and she is taking it hard...to the extent that her grades are suffering (and she is not getting enough sleep.)</p>

<p>She doesn't really want to talk to me about it and I don't know what to say anyway. I don't want to make light of her feelings but I know she will regret letting her grades slide.</p>

<p>Is there anything I can say or do or is this something she has to deal with in her own way?</p>


He might just realize that it’s not in her best interest to date a departing senior as a freshman.</p>


That’s really a shame. If she stops talking to him, she may get over it over the summer.</p>


If I was in this situation, I wouldn’t want to talk about it. I think you need to be supportive, but in the background. Be for her when she needs you, but don’t say anything about it. It’s serious for her now, but she’ll move on. It’s good that this is the end of the year and not the beginning. Better for her to have these feelings now than when he leaves at the beginning of her sophomore year.</p>

<p>First of all, she is a freshman, and freshman grades do not have as much weight in college admissions as sophomore and junior grades (hopefully, by September her sufferings over this crush will be over). Please offer to be a crying shoulder and just listen. Take her shopping, get pedicures together, go out for ice cream, give her lots of hugs, but do not nag her about school. Hugs to you. Parenting teenage girls is a tough job. Fortunately, they learn from their experiences.</p>

<p>I would be more concerned about the age difference between the two. There is a huge developmental difference between a 14 year old and an 18 year old. Often, older boys will express interest in the younger girls and the motives may not be as sweet as young love is imagined.<br>
i would keep a close eye on this.</p>

<p>I’ve found, with both my daughters, (now 21 and 18) that if I just spend time with them (such as in their room putting away laundry, watching them do their hair, next to them in bed)… they start talking. Without my asking or saying anything.</p>

<p>And then, I try not to say much. They just talk and talk.</p>

<p>^^Agree with mtpaper. The summer is a great opportunity to be ‘around’ her closely with open ears for when she decides to share. When my kids are going through something, I’m just sort of present a lot (even when away at school via texting or calls). When they do decide to share a thought or two, I’m mostly just supportive, no judgment or advice really…unless they ask.</p>

<p>I’m a freshman as well, and it’s going to be difficult to watch all of the seniors go. Make sure you’re there for your daughter like everyone else has said :slight_smile: it’s hard regardless of whether or not you have a crush on someone you’re close with. I see this happening to so many of my friends that hook up with upperclassman or have dated them. I disagree about being too concerned about the age difference, of course it depends on how mature your daughter is. At my school freshman hang out with seniors and it isn’t at all a big deal, the age doesn’t matter. Just console her and I’m sure she will be fine. You said school is ending, right? So there isn’t much you can do grade wise, is there? Unless she still has finals, then maybe encourage her to study or maybe a tutoring session? Best of luck!!</p>

<p>Long car trips are a great opportunity for conversation, as well. OP, is there a fun destination a few hours away where the two of you can go this weekend?</p>

<p>If a male senior has been texting a female freshman occasionally because they’re buddies, that’s great. But I agree with EPTR that the motives here may be more complicated than just checking in with a friend.</p>

<p>I can recall a situation from back in the day that went just as EPTR and frazzled1 suggest. Watch closely.</p>

<p>If you are home with her in the afternoons and evenings when she would normally be tied up texting I would find ways to distract. Movies, errands, family time, anything to keep her from closing that door and creating a single focus. Outdoor activities are great for this. Granted she can text just about anywhere, but it is less overwhelming to her emotionally if she is distracted by a shopping trip even to Target, putt-putt, or a GNO.</p>

<p>Thanks very much for all the advice. I probably overreacted a bit when I learned she was texting late at night. We have a house rule that there is no texting after 9 pm - and she was texting him as late as 11-11:30. My reaction was to take her phone away from her completely…which she knew was the consequence…but it’s probably not the best time to pull her away from her friends and support network. Maybe I should reconsider this??</p>

<p>Regarding the age difference, she also knows that she is not allowed to date seniors and I have had to have discussions with her in the past about growing too attached to the older boys. She is mature…so she probably clicks with the older boys a bit more than with those her own age.</p>

<p>My guess is he likes her a little, too…but knows better than to get involved when he is getting ready to leave and/or she has told him outright that she is not allowed to date seniors…which is a rule in our house (actually she doesn’t ‘date’ at all, at this point.).</p>

<p>He is a nice boy from our church whom she’s known for many years…hopefully she will realize that the timing just isn’t right. </p>

<p>I am so sad that she is feeling so much pain in her heart at such a young age…but I guess it is part of growing up. </p>

<p>I will try to find something special to do with her this weekend. She typically doesn’t want to spend time with me but maybe it will be just what she needs.</p>

<p>We had an issue with texting beyond set hours and during hw when a gf was in the picture. After asking many times and several warnings we had our student bring his phone downstairs during hw and at night for a while. So he didn’t loose it completely, just during the times he was breaking the rule. It was direct cause and effect. If we can’t trust you to follow the rules just put the phone in a common area (ie the kitchen). They seem to have a compulsion to A)read anything that comes in regardless of the hour and then B) it’s rude not to respond ASAP…duh?! ;)</p>

<p>I know this doesn’t help, but unfortunately, this won’t be the only time that your daughter’s heart is broken and you feel helpless. It’s part of the deal. There have been times when I’ve just cried along with them, but as parents we have the experience to know that life does go on and things do get better. As a teenager and young adult, sometimes it is very hard to be able to see past the here and now.</p>

<p>When my D was a HS freshmen she also had a major crush on a senior boy. They were in a leadership class together (for elected student leaders) and she admired him from afar - no interaction outside of the classroom. My D also cried on the last day for seniors, saying that she would never see this kid again. Summer came and she was busy with her friends and life in general. Over the next 3 years she occasionally would come bouncing into the house all smiles saying, ‘guess who I saw driving by?’. Of course it was her HS crush.</p>

<p>Anyway, fast forward to the late spring of her senior year. She finds out that her crush is attending the same school she will be going to. They friend each other on Facebook, but don’t see each other in person. D arrives at college and within 2 weeks these two are dating. It’s been nearly 2 years and D has a promise ring from him. He is a really nice, smart, hardworking kid from a good family.</p>

<p>Like the other posters, I would encourage you to be there for your D, and like you I would be leery of letting them date (if the opportunity came up). I was even concerned when my D started dating her BF, concerned about a 21 yr old college senior and a 18 yr old college freshman. As a parent, you just worry about these things. </p>

<p>Good luck. Your D will move on and it will get easier once the seniors graduate and her own summer activities begin. Be there for her, but keep it light.</p>



<p>I don’t doubt your maturity or your friendship with seniors, but let me assure you the freshmen are the only ones who think the age difference doesn’t matter. My D is a freshman and my S is a senior. I’d have a hard time finding a senior who thinks that a freshman is a true peer. Sure you can hang out, have a good time, be friends, but you are not equals. Huge difference! I can definitely see why a 15 yr old would be interested in an 18 year old. There are very few reasons an 18 yr old would be interested in a 15 yr old. YMMV</p>

<p>To the OP: this is a hard one. Time will be the only healer. Although, my D can be easily distracted by a pedicure and a latte! :wink: Hugs to your D</p>

<p>O2B@C … what are great story … and it sounds like a great couple!</p>

<p>@rom282 I don’t think you can make that judgement… I don’t see why at 15 you can’t be considered a peer with someone who is 17/18, when I play sports,music, and have class with these people. Obviously there are plenty of situations where a 15 year old and an 18 year old aren’t actually peers. That being said, there’s no reason to assume that…</p>

<p>OP’s D is 14, not 15. Now that my D is almost 19, I’ve been hearing stories of what REALLY was going on when she was 15. Truth be told I’m glad I didn’t know back then. OP may not know the whole story.</p>

<p>3togo, Thanks!</p>

<p>I did worry about D when she started dating her BF, because she told us early on that he was ‘the one’. </p>

<p>Despite having a serious relationship, they both are managing to have successful academic experiences. He recently graduated Magna Cum Laude and is doing well. My D is doing great with good grades, a full-time paid summer internship in her field, and will be spending fall semester in Europe. He will fly over mid December and they plan to spend Christmas in Paris. I wish I had that life!</p>

<p>Would I have let them date in HS if the opportunity presented itself? No way because of the age difference. But life has a way of working it all out!</p>

<p>Tell her to grow some ballz.</p>