<p>I am so sorry momma three. It sounds like she should move out, and you should cease funding her therapy (or non therapy) if she is not taking it seriously. You’ve done so, so much to try to help her, but she is ruining your lives and peace of mind, and it seems like it will go on indefinitely.</p>
<p>I am not a therapist, but this behavior seems very much like it is a personality disorder, such as borderline personality disorder. Those are notoriously hard to treat. I am pretty sure my ex husband has it, and his life is still unsettled and drama filled in his mid fifties.</p>
<p>I hope you and your family can find a measure of peace and happiness in 2011.</p>
<p>She just walked in the door yelled that she is leaving, went upstairs and we thought she was packing up some clothes. She came down empty handed and my husband calmly said “we thought you were leaving” She said, “easier said than done, pay my expenses and I will leave.” I asked her to close the door that she opened so the neighbors could not hear her and she started to raise her voice louder. I again asked her to come in the house and say what she wanted to say but she insisted on raising her voice and told us that she was meeting a friend. I know she is upset about her New Years plans but I can’t be responsible for her happy times. She is trully only happy when she gets her way. My husband feels that she will certainly embarrass us in front of our friends tonight by either making a scene or picking up her clothes at the most inappropriate of times. She told my husband that she will not leave until we agree to fund her education, give the car and pay the insurance, pay her therapy, pay her cell and utilities, and half of her rent. She is basically planning on driving us crazy until we give her what she wants. I want peace and she really won’t go unless we give her what she wants. I can’t handle this anymore…I just don’t know how to ease her into her own place without her constantly thinking we owe her. She expects more than we could afford and more than she deserves given her actions and behavior toward her family. She has made the time with my sons so full of turmoil…because she knows she has that power to make me crazy. I just can’t help her anymore because her behavior is becoming much to difficult to bear. She curses, gives me the finger, tells me to go to h-ll and to go f myself. This is all when I don’t agree to give in. My husband walks away and does not address her but than I get it double barrel. My husband will live to be 95 with his attitude but I am not going to survive this kids treatment. I am worried that she will start physically lashing out all the time…I am getting older and she is getting faster so dealing with this is becoming a real concern. I just don’t know how this beautiful little girl grew up to become like this. We have so much to be happy about but when one kid is not right it just makes the whole dynamic all wrong. She has way to much power…and I don’t want to live my older years worried that she will still do this to us.</p>
<p>You may need to put her stuff in trash bags, set it outside and change the locks. And then you would have to be willing to call the police on her if she tried to break into the house. I know that sounds really, really harsh and is an “easy for you to say” statement, but she doesn’t have the right to live there. She doesn’t have the right to tell you what the terms are for her moving out. She doesn’t have the right to embarrass you in front of neighbors and friends (although if you do the above she will throw a scene your neighbors will never forget.) I’m so sorry this is happening to you.</p>
<p>Time to walk away. She can’t yell obscenities if you are not there to take them.</p>
<p>Cancel ALL therapy appointments and inform the office that she is an adult and she is now responsible for making appointments and AND paying for them and anything that your insurance does not cover is now her responsibility. Find out if you need to sign any forms releasing you of responsibility if they have your signature of responsibility.</p>
<p>Figure out a dollar amount that will meet her BASIC needs of shelter and food, and start writing a monthly check. Inform her what that amount will be and THAT IS IT.</p>
<p>Give her a date that she needs to be out.</p>
<p>SHE HAS THE POWER TO MAKE YOU CRAZY BECAUSE YOU LET HER. Take away that power and walk away.</p>
<p>My D2 used to have that power. I do know what you are going through. We stopped letting her make us crazy. This weekend, she kissed me for making breakfast, cleaned up after, and told me she loved me. This the child we called the police to come over to deal with several times.</p>
<p>She sounds like a good candidate for the US Military. They will gladly fund her education on the GI Bill, pay her rent in the barracks, give her free therapy via a Drill Sergeant, and pay her enough money to buy a new car. I’m serious. Find out where the closest recruitment office is and drop her off.</p>
<p>She doesn’t really want to move out which is why she will sabatage any real progress towards that goal.</p>
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<p>No, it isn’t easy to ignore her drama at all, which is why almost everyone is telling you she needs to move out.</p>
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<p>She doesn’t want to go, change is scary, the old family dynamics feel comfortable.</p>
<p>Apparently you thought your daughter moving out would be a peaceful transition. No, your daughter will sabatage all progress and will continue to make excuses for why she can’t move out. A few pages back it sounded like you had made the decision that she would be moving out. I was happy to see that post and I hope you are resolved that this is what will happen. You need to be strong and stand firm and you’re going to need to push her to go.</p>
<p>Momma…I don’t really ever post on this thread, but I have been through something very similar with a son, and I will not go into great detail, but these outbursts she is having, happened to us on a number of occasions and my final straw was he spray painted our cars with “My Parents Suck.” He knew the whole neighborhood would see it and he knew it would be a great source of embarrassment. ** You are her fiddle and she is the bow.** She total knows what she is doing. Let me shine a light on something. YOU OWE HER NOTHING. It took me three years of drama, stupidity and true emotional trauma to realize that. After the spray painting incident, my husband called the police. With their help, we filed a protective order and our son completely flipped. He even threw bricks in the downstairs windows. He was doing anything he could to hurt us emotionally, spiritually and financially. At that moment I was done. There are some kids that simply will never be able to function normally no matter what you do, until they figure life out on their own.</p>
<p>I know your pain. How can you abandon your child? How can you turn your back? Will she or he ever forgive…can I live without knowing he/she whereabouts. Can I cope with said child having a child that I will never have a relationship with? This are all thoughts that run in a Mom’s brain. But here is the thing. The day he was gone from the house, peace settled in his place. It allowed me to heal and for our family to heal. There was literally NO drama. It took almost two years for him to call our house. He missed family weddings, funerals, all the holidays and Mother’s days, etc. But the day he called, he was changed. Changed for the better, but to be honest, still feeling entitled and this time because “we owed him for kicking him out.” We have since kept him at arms length. He lives on his own. He joins us for family dinners and holidays. I am careful to not let him dig at me too much. I don’t give squat without a reason and as much as this harsh love has its downsides (mainly guilt) my other children have supported my husband and I; and affirmed that it was the best decision we ever made.</p>
<p>So with that said. If I were in your situation, I would give her $1000, a list of what she has to do earn the HONOR of living with you again and a pink slip. No car. No tuition, no therapy, nothing. If you keep her on your insurance, give her “permission” to make the appointments, but her social security number goes on the forms. Void yourself of financial responsibility. So if and when she blows off an appointment, that is her fish to fry, not yours. She will either sink or swim. She might beg to come back. If she has not met the requirements, then you have to say “no”. Don’t let anyone tell you she needs a car or anything else. My son left here with $500 (I gave purely out of guilt) and the clothes on his back. Period the end.</p>
<p>So sorry to hear all this. Ditto what mimk6 said. Put her stuff in bags and change the locks. You can call her or text her (before you cut her phone off) and tell her when you will put her belongings outside. If she takes your car without permission or damages your property in any way, call the police and have her arrested. She won’t change until she has a serious wakeup call, if then.</p>
<p>There is an incredible amount of wisdom in the many replies here. I don’t know that you have time for reading right now, but when you do, the Boundaries book by Townsend and Cloud may be very helpful to you. What most on this thread have encouraged you to do is it set boundaries ( ex: she must repay you before you allow her to go back to school, require her to apologize before letting her back home, require her to pay for her therapy if she misses an appointment…). This book will teach you how to effectively set these kinds of boundaries.</p>
<p>My daughter gave this book to a good friend and I watched it change his life this past year. His family was accustomed to walking all over him and boy did that change after he read this book. Now, they have come to respect him as the boundaries he set required a level of respect or they would have lost their relationship with him. </p>
<p>I wish you well as you continue to deal with your daughter. For tonight, I suspect that you should not allow her into your home. Harsh, but her actions have ‘earned’ her a night outside of her home.</p>
<p>momma, beware the advice of people who have never lived with a child with emotional health problems. Find YOURSELF a good therapist who understands adult children with
ADHD and emotional issues and bring your story to them and work through an appropriate response. They can really help you. The closest response to what a therapist would tell you would be the advice you have gotten from ADad (260). Those kinds of direct cause/effect interactions really can help you set APPROPRIATE boundaries without exposing your obviously mentally ill daughter to unnecessary danger. I love that your son bodily deposited her outside. Thank heaven you have such great sons. Stick with your daughter, though. My daughter really is becoming a joy…and honestly, a few short years ago, she was crashing cars, screaming the “F” word, getting herself pierced and tattooed, breaking things, stealing things, hurting herself. You need to protect yourself. Absolutely. (We put our daughter on her OWN insurance for instance)…and you need to set boundaries. But the “dump her on the street” mentality doesn’t sound reasonable for a kid in this kind of obvious distress.</p>
<p>I agree that she should not be in your home, but I also suspect she’ll do whatever she thinks she needs to to make a scene and get her way, at least for tonight because she figures you won’t want to have a scene in front of your guests. She thinks she holds the cards. If it is easier for you to avoid the scene tonight, that should be YOUR choice, not hers. If it is too hard to find a locksmith to change the locks until Monday, then you decide whenthe time is right. But it is your call, not hers. Not sure if it is better to tell her when her last day is or to surprise her with the changed locks on Monday (or whenever). Thats a tough call… Perhaps you can tell her she had until Monday to make other living arrangements (you’ve been down this path before, yes?) but don’t tell her you will change the locks. Just do it.</p>
<p>Just because that worked for you in your situation, debrock, does not mean it is sage advice for momma-three. Her daughter needs to understand that there are rules she has to follow, and if she doesn’t there are consequences. Its just like driving rules. Follow them and all is well. Violate them and there are consequences. BTW there is a big difference between someone having “emotional problems” and someone having a personality or behavior disorder. Poor momma-three sounds like she is dealing with the latter.</p>
<p>It seems that some posters are convinced that what worked for their family will work for yours and that has to be the only correct course of action.</p>
<p>I, too, have experience with situations like this and do not believe there is a need to continue to be emotionally abused by your young adult daughter. It is a horrible situation, but you have done everything possible and she is not behaving in a way compatible with your efforts to help her. It is clearly time for additional consequences and for you to draw the line (again). She needs to be out of your home and away from the opportunity to be abusive towards you.</p>
<p>Debrockman- just for the record, there are parents, myself included, that found “the best therapists”, logged more than 200 hours in various offices trying to find a fix for their child. I can’t even begin to tell you how many people said your son exhibits symptoms of this, that or the other. Momma-threes daughter has been in therapy. But sometimes no matter how much we want to cling to a diagnosis, some kids are just entitled, spoiled, mean kids. She behaves the way she does because it is working for her. It is time her parents push back. And it will get uglier before it gets better. And this “child” is a full fledged legal adult. It’s about damn time someone expect she behave like one. I would never advocate pushing a minor into the world.</p>
<p>For the record, I do not think that this mother should continue to be abused. I advised that she find therapists who can help HER respond appropriately in a way that protects her boundaries, but does not abandon a clearly sick kid. A kid who is emotionally disturbed is likely to be severely developmentally delayed, and will not behave in an age appropriate way. She may not be a minor, but she is not competent. And for the record, therapy is often not a direct line fix. Our daughter was inpatient, then outpatient, then completely non-compliant with therapy and then was miraculously placed on a med that virtually overnight drastically accelerated her improvement. It was astonishing. She’s no longer non-compliant because she hated her life being out of control more than anyone else did. Tonight our biggest issue was that she wanted someone to run a steamer over to her apartment. I volunteered her younger brother…if she paid him. She didn’t have any money, so I laughed and said, “Oh, well.” She called back a minute later and said her boyfriend would pick it up on his way over. Much easier problems than in the days when I would get frantic calls from my husband that she was in the hospital for one reason or another. Things can get better. I agree that a patient who is noncompliant may have to “wing it” on their own for awhile. My daughter did that. She lived with “band” guys, taking care of their house while they were out on the road. But those were the days when we would be picking her up at the emergency room because she had hurt herself. Just be prepared for that. I’d like to tell you that’s a lot easier than the drama in your house, and in some ways it was because the drama scared my husband to death. What he didn’t know didn’t hurt him as much. But there are plenty of scars on her to prove that it wasn’t as easy on her.
I do pray that your New Year’s Eve is drama free, Momma. And I pray that you are able to find some resolution in the New Year. There is no bigger hell. It’s obvious that your daughter’s problems are not the result of parenting…look at your sons.<br>
I think YOU should get some help. It is hard for sane, caring parents to know how to respond to a kid with serious problems.</p>
<p>Quote:
You may need to put her stuff in trash bags, set it outside and change the locks. And then you would have to be willing to call the police on her if she tried to break into the house. I know that sounds really, really harsh and is an “easy for you to say” statement, but she doesn’t have the right to live there.</p>
<p>This is exactly correct. Please, please understand that this action will be the beginning of her recovery. Until you do this, nothing will change, except for the worse. I’m so sorry this is happening, but please do not put up with this anymore. Best wishes to you. Locking her out will be a blessing for her eventually, and definitely for you and your family.</p>
<p>dbrockman, momma3 already has a therapist, and for those of us who have followed her posts, she seems to be taking steps this year to make changes for her own life. her D has been an issue for some time now, and many of us have read and supported her.
I am not sure how I would handle NYE with guests, but I think I would try very hard to ignore her, even if it meant sending one of the sons out to run interference until the guests left.
I agree that D needs to be out of the house and on her own with only the most basic support (since there was an agreement just a few days ago for some support) with definite timeframes for the support to end. If you had already agreed to support rent, for instance, I would make arrangements to pay the landlord directly so that the D won’t be homeless.
There comes a time when a wake up call is needed, though jail and an arrest record may not be the best option.</p>