Daughter just threw in the towel

soozievt · January 1, 2011, 8:52am

I do think a therapist should advise you in how to handle your daughter. I realize she has ADHD but some of her behaviors don’t seem to be about that. At times it sounds like a personality disorder or emotional problems or even immaturity, but some of the anecdotes you write sound like “spoiled brat, sense of entitlement, disrespectful daughter syndrome.”

Anyway, I have a more middle ground than some here. I would not pack her stuff and put her on the street. I understand the rationale behind that but I could not do that, nor do I think it is necessary here. First, before this latest thread came along, I’ll go back to a thread you wrote last summer. At the time, I recall you were not willing to support her living outside the home while attending school, but will/did support her attending school if she lived at home. At the time, I disagreed with that. I thought she should live on her own. Also, you were willing to pay for her schooling and boarding when she went to her LAC and so I can’t see changing the agreement about paying for college and living expenses just because she is not at the LAC or only paying if she were inside your home rather than her own local apartment. You pay for your sons’ colleges I presume. And you have paid for your D’s both when she was at her LAC and when living inside your home. My view is to insist she has her own apartment (less daily conflict at home, time to mature and gain independence, etc.) while attending college. My view prior to this thread is that you DO pay for tuition, room, and board while she is in school. I would not pay for her living expenses if she is not in school (nor do I for my own children either) but in either case, she must live on her own independently.

Then, along came this thread when you said she was not going to finish the final papers of the semester and lose credits. Earlier in this thread, my advice was to no longer pay for her schooling and either insist she get a job or if she wanted to go to school, have her take out loans that you would pay back if she completed the credits, but not take a risk to pay for school she didn’t finish. However, I’m gonna go back on that a bit now because it sounds to me that she did indeed finish out the semester but handed the work in late and still got credit and her grades simply dropped from A’s to B’s in courses where the work was handed in late. Bottom line is she did finish and got decent grades and had she not lived at home, you might not have even known she handed the papers in late. So, in this case, I would continue to pay for college and related living expenses with the understanding that if she doesn’t get credit in one or more courses next semester, she will have to pay for the make up coursework herself. I would continue to pay for her schooling and living expenses as you do now BUT it must be OUTSIDE the home. The thing here is to get your D living independently. I would pay while she was in school and stop paying when she is out of school. If she does not pass a course, she pays the make up course or if she doesn’t pass the semester, you stop paying for college. Right now, she is passing. Right now, you do support her while in college as you do your sons.

The issue to me is that she needs to be out of the house living on her own. If she wishes to attend school and passes, you will pay. If not, she supports herself. Those are the boundaries MANY kids have who are not even misbehaving, etc. So, I really do think you should fund your D IF she remains in school and passes (I don’t agree with you that Bs are not OK just because she can do better).

I would not treat the expectation that she lives independently as a punishment but rather as an expectation for her age. I would not take away funding for school and living expenses because she did not “throw in the towel” and truly did complete the semester with decent grades and I would not refuse to pay if she lived outside the home when I paid when she lived inside the home. I would stop paying for college if she was failing and losing credits. But that is not the case at present.

Best of luck.

Mom2M · January 1, 2011, 9:05am

I hope your evening went smoothly M-3. ((hugs))

If you feel it would help, make an appointment asap for your therapist. Then follow some of the excellent suggestions on this thread. It’s past time for consequences to this behavior. You are not responsible for your D’s happiness. You have a right to your life, your own plans, peace in your household. You certainly do not owe her a car, rent, food, cellphone, etc. Talk with your husband, and your sons if you are so inclined, decide what path you will take and then STICK TO IT. If you agree to pay half the rent, then that’s it.
I’d quit being responsible for the therapy bills, calling Monday to change that, I might give her the old car (sign it over pink slip and all), but she’d have to pay the insurance and other expenses (I’d want it out of my name so I wouldn’t be responsible for parking tickets, insurance, whatever). The tuition for the next semester is paid. Find a place for her to live, move her in and change the locks on your house. If you feel like dropping a grocery card or two in the mail, fine. But the drama moves out of your life.

momma-three · January 1, 2011, 9:11am

Happy New Year to all of you!!!..and thankyou for being my sounding board. It has been a difficult year with many ups and downs but I have decided that this is the year that I am going to try something new before this turmoil either makes me ill or forever changes me. I have seen the damage that it has caused to my husband, but the greatest hurt has been in my sons eyes. He moved back home for a few months expecting to live with his once loving family, and realized life had changed dramically since he had left for college 4 1/2 years ago. After seeing how this drama effected him I just can’t do this again to the one son who will move back home for a while when he graduates this coming May. The interesting thing is that the son who is leaving for his job abroad at the end of May is the most verbal of all, in that we need to have her move out. My sons are the most concerned because they see the huge change and they feel that our family has become something they have never known. They also fear for my well being with my daughter home.

I have gone back and forth with this for so long…always praying that things would just somehow turn around. My daughter is now 20, and when I started posting about her, I think she was still 17 or had just turned 18. I have tried everything possible going from doctor to doctor with her and without her, medical work up, ADHD coaching, helping her myself with organizational issues and planning, reading with her when it was just too much and she wanted to bail out again ( her first year home). The list goes on, and it doesn’t even matter anymore because it is all part of what most of us would have done if the circumstances called for it. I am deeply saddened that my best attempts to see my daughter be a fine and functional young lady has not happened. This is my greatest sadness becacause there has been nothing in the world that I wanted more than this. I have always been proud of my sons but my life has not been whole because my daughter is not the person that we raised her to be. She is a stranger to us in so many ways, and has done so much damage to herself and the family that my heart breaks for her. I am still at a loss at how one of my kids could turn out like this, and it is the deepest heartbreak for a parent.

I have slowly watched her life spin out of control, and that was so very sad, but watching what she has done to the rest of my family including herself is too much to see. I believed my daughter was sick and I treated her illness as I treated my sons medical illness. My son got better but my daughter for some unknown reason just never came back to us. I never would have dreamed that loving your child and supporting them through all of the ups and downs, getting the right medical and professional help and praying day and night, could have resulted in no improvement. We are probably not that much better off now than we were, when we first took her home from her first year away at school in regard to how she treats us. I no longer believe she is depressed, thankfully (medication has worked) and the ADHD is a tough one in that it rears it head at very selective times. I was out to save my child because thats what moms do and after more than 2 years I just don’t know if most of what we have tried to do has made any difference.

Debrockman—You and I are so much alike. I would read your post and thought we must have been seperated at birth. You are an inspiration to how never giving up can work and believe me, I wanted nothing more than to see my daughter be the person I know she could be. I have wanted my daughter to be a loving daughter who was good to herself and those in her life as well as being a contributing member of our world. I raised all of my kids this way and each of them grew up knowing that we have a purpose here and that purpose is not just to fill our wallets but to give something to this world that when all is said and done we have left our mark. I am afraid that the only mark my daughter will leave if we continue on this path is to hurt the very people that have stood by her through it all. I just don’t know anymore if she will ever really be the best person she could have been and now I am mourning the loss of the child I thought I would have and I need to accept who she is right now. I will never give up on my girl but the time has come that I preserve the little that is left in the path of her destruction. I would be wrong to allow her to destroy my relationship with my sons because they see this situation as something their very strong and capable mom should have a handle on by not permitting it to continue.

This is not easy and I am so hoping that this will be the answer to getting my daughter back to the real world. I am insisting that she move out and it must be soon. I am not permitting the rest of my life or my husbands to be drama filled and dysfunctional. This is not the family dynamic that we want or set out to have. We have become one of those families that people think happen to others but could never imagine in their own home. It is time to make the change but I will remove some of the focus from my daughter and put it on my husband and myself as well as my sons. It has just been too long that my daughter has had us at her 100% attention…it is not normal or healthy for any of us.

Each and every poster here has brought great insight to this situation even if I have not mentioned you specifically by name. There is alot of wisdom on this thread and I thank you all for sharing that with me. I hope that this New Year will be more peaceful and loving in our home as a result of my daughter moving forward in her own life. It will not be easy to move her forward…she is resistent to go. I think the next few weeks will require alot of strength to ease her into her life so that she has real chance of making it. I will not ever just drop out of her life because thats impossible…not my make up. I will always be in search of how to help this kid be functional, kind and loving but I will need to have the space between us to heal from all of this and hopefully regain some of the strength to effectively cause change.

soozievt · January 1, 2011, 9:17am

I know you won’t give up on your daughter. You just need to change the situation. If she lives outside the home, you will have space. She also will be forced to gain some maturity and independence. You’ll always be there for her but not have to deal with her on a daily basis as you do now. Don’t let the money issue get in the way. The issue is to get her living independently right now. Do what you need to do to make that happen.

rom828 · January 1, 2011, 9:26am

M-3. My thoughts and prayers are with your family.

eddieodessa · January 1, 2011, 9:51am

M3 - I am sending you love and a hug. My goodness, what your family has been through! I am hoping for a peaceful 2011 for all of you. Please keep us posted.

jym626 · January 1, 2011, 10:42am

Bingo. Spot on, momma-three. We parents do not and will not “give up” on our kids. It is a matter of doing things differently and not letting their behaviour disrupt the lives of the other members of your family. You can’t change her- you can only change how you respond to her. She has no incentive to change if things continue to be easy for her not to. She will resist, yell, demand, hurl insults, etc etc when you set your limits and let her know when the eviction date is. She does not want the situation to change and she will turn up the burners and push harder to get you to back down. Stand firm. Let her know that you love her and will always love her, but you do not love her behavior or the choices she has made, and those you will not endure or support. Let her know under what conditions you would welcome her into your home (ie responsible, realiable, respectful, cooperative behavior, committment and compliance with school or a job, etc) but let her know that you and your family will decide if/when she will be welcome to visit. The choice is hers, not yours, to change and be part of your family.

With her current behaviors and choices, you cannot and will not be able to include her in daily life and activities. You can meet her for lunch or coffee outside the home, if you so choose. You can invite her to dinner out (not at home) if you so choose. She has lost your trust and she needs to earn that back. The person whose behavior needs to change is hers, not yours, and until she owns that she will have little incentive to change.

This is HARD. This is PAINFUL and yes, you will benefit from support both here and professionally. You are grieving the loss of the daughter you wanted and hoped to have. But the good news is, if she chooses to take ownership of her pathological behavior and get herself on the right track, you will welcome her back, within whatever terms is reasonable for you and your family, to be a member. Yes her behavior is pathological, but I would not call her “sick”:. That excuses her behavior and implies that it is due to something outside of her control. From what you have described, I am not hearing that to be the case, and its gives her an opportunity to excuse her behavior and rationalize it as something she “can’t help”. The behaviors you describe are not explainable by ADHD. Sure ADHD - impulsive type folks can be impulsive and engage in poor judgement. But a diagnosis of ADHD does not explain the constellation of symptoms you describe.

There is an old psychology joke-- How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb? Ans: Only one- but the lightbulb has to really want to change.

Your daughter has to want to change. Right now she has no incentive to. Hopefully she will, with some firmer limits set on the consequences of her behavior.

I am not a big believer in the “surprise” element-- ie having her come home to find the door locks changed and her belongings on the street. Its fine to let her know the deadline, but stick to it. It will be tough, but it is a start. You can choose to help her find another place to live, and you can choose to help her pay for it, or part of it. Perhaps being a roommate to someone who already has a place and is looking for a roommate is the way to go, so you wont have to sign any lease or have her commit to a long term arrangement. If she chooses to go back to be with her boyfriend or his family, thats her choice. But hopefully she will begin to recognize that at 20 she has to own responsibility for her choices, her lifestyle and her behavior. Good luck!!!

momma-three · January 1, 2011, 10:43am

Thankyou eddie…I am making peace a priority this New Year as well as joy. I wish the same for you and everyone else who has been so helpful and supportive.

Jym…Thankyou for hanging in with so much support over the past couple years…Your insight has been very helpful. The next few weeks will probably be difficult but I am hopeful that I can stand firm and make this happen with as little drama and hostility as possible from my daughter. She may act out but I need to tune out when she does. I feel like the “Little Engine that could” …we are ready to stand firm yet loving but no more doormat behavior in this house.

worknprogress2 · January 1, 2011, 11:48am

Momma3 - I thought of you this morning and wondered how you were. It sounds like you are sad but determined to start focusing on what you CAN control - yourself. I wish you the strength to follow through with your plans. I am so glad you have two sons who dispel your doubts about yourself.

Bless you for your honesty. You are a courageous woman who has been a remarkable mother.

merlin · January 1, 2011, 1:57pm

soozievt, your private mailbox is full! No surprise. Nice work moderating this thread.

Momma-3, kudos to you. We never give up hoping that there will be a “cure” for certain aspects of our kids that seem unable to change or mature. Have been down this road. Some kids’ social/emotional development lags greatly behind their chronological or cognitive ages. Grown up kids having tantrums can be embarrassing in public. But the embarrassment should be theirs, not the parents’.

Just when I think my S1 will never grow up and act his age, 22, something kicks in and he proves my theory that he is 3 years delayed in social maturation. So I think of him as 19, same age as S2. For him, every life lesson must be learned the hard way. It sure can be frustrating. But when things have been at their worst, I step back and think of the extreme behavior as a child’s tantrum and the hurt for me diminishes significantly.

Your daughter has not yet become her final self. I endorse the plans you are making.

Peaceful New Year to all.

soozievt · January 1, 2011, 2:03pm

Hi merlin…my PM box fills up constantly and I prefer not to use it and so if you need to contact me, you can click on my member name and choose “email member.” Thanks for the feedback, though I am not moderating the thread but merely participating as a parent like everyone else. I feel for those who have challenging kids.

Your advice about stepping back and thinking of the young adult’s behavior as a young child’s tantrum is very good (though easier said than done).

I truly think that by supporting this girl to live on her own would be a gift to ease her into adulthood to have to become more independent. I see it as an expectation and not as a punishment.

momma-three · January 1, 2011, 2:12pm

worknprogress… I am sad but now I am more determned than ever to make some changes. I think I am probably ready because nothing else has worked and if I don’t do this we will be going in circles for the next X number of years and that just can’t happen.

I really wish my name on this board was momma or momma four because so many people question the mommathree name and forget that I have four kids. Back when I originally declared my thread name I thought I would just make it easy on my memory to use the momma-three as I used it on another site…momma-four was already used. For those of you who wonder about the momma name my kids have called me momma since they were little ones and the name has stuck. The only kid who has stopped calling me momma is my daughter…yes it makes me sad. I love when I get those bear hugs and hear “I love you, Momma.”

I am wistful today but determined because how and what I do now will be yet another lesson for all of my kids to learn from…I need to do this in the best way possible. This will be the last two weeks that I have any real time with my son who will be leaving in May for his job over seas. There are so many thoughts running through my head like the fact that I need him to go feeling that things are on the right path here at home. I want him to know that his sister is on her own and living her life and that I am ok. He will be so far away and I am going to miss him so very much. He is one of my twins and his going this far away is such a great opportunity for him personally and professionally. His older brother may very well end up in that region of the world as well at some point in the future. Like I said wistful day today…my other son is dealing with the reality that his brother is leaving and his older brother may end up doing the same after grad school. They are all so close that the thought of my sons being far from one another, is almost hard to believe. I never thought they would ever be more than a state away from one another. They really are best friends.

My daughter has just awakened so I will sign off for now.

EPTR · January 1, 2011, 4:37pm

Here is something to think about. A dear friend of mine went through a similar situation with her daughter a few years ago. She made her leave because her behavior was unacceptable for a long time. She was mean, aggressive, disrespectful and a danger to herself and others.

Well, as I said, that was a few years ago. Yesterday she got home from a wonderful trip with all of her children. Her daughter went, as well. They had a wonderful time as a family.

My point is this. Your situation will evolve. Your D will change and so will you. By setting boundaries, you are making it clear that you have confidence that she will be okay. When we make concessions to bizarre behavior and emotional extortion we are communicating that we don’t trust that person to live by the normal rules of society. It is a vote of no confidence. By setting the boundaries for the way that you want to be treated, you are also expressing hope for your daughter and that is, in my opinion, her best chance.

merlin · January 1, 2011, 11:57pm

“My point is this. Your situation will evolve. Your D will change and so will you. By setting boundaries, you are making it clear that you have confidence that she will be okay. When we make concessions to bizarre behavior and emotional extortion we are communicating that we don’t trust that person to live by the normal rules of society. It is a vote of no confidence. By setting the boundaries for the way that you want to be treated, you are also expressing hope for your daughter and that is, in my opinion, her best chance.”

Well said, EPTR. We don’t do our kids any favors to let them think that they can rely on us to meet all their needs forever, regardless of disrespectful behavior.

momma-three · January 2, 2011, 3:16am

Daughter came in the house tonight after her second consecutive night of drinking. Her boyfriend drove her home (he was drinking). I had tried texting her and made a call asking if she would be staying out…no answer to either. I finally texted her boyfriend and asked him to have her call me because her phone was unreachable. She was home within 15 minutes and looked like a mess.

Drinking and driving is a huge issue for us. I have always told my kids including the older ones that I expect them to stay where they are when they have been drinking and never attempt to drive or if they are nearby they can call home for a ride. It has always worked but my daughter seems to enjoy pushing this button with us. I just can’t believe after losing friends to drunk driving or drinking related accidents this kid still gets in a car.

I honestly think she did this to worry me so that we will rethink her moving out. I am so sick of this manipulation and game playing. Her life and other lives are at risk because she chooses to be irresponsible and act in a dangerous way. She and her boyfriend just lost a friend before Christmas because he was drinking at the boyfriends house at school and drove home. The kid was a recent graduate from her boyfriends school, and when the police saw him speeding he crossed through a divider on the road and hit a car head on. He was killed and he killed a married man who had a wife and child. Her boyfriend should never allowed him to leave his house that night but he did. I find it hard to believe that no one at that party knew he was intoxicated, and the result of that is something that he will need to live with. His drinking is a huge concern because he does not exercise the proper judgement for himself or with my daughter.

Tonight I felt like I could run over to his house half a mile away and wring his neck (of course I did’nt but I wanted to). My daughter stayed at his parental home all of last summer why the heck would he drive my daughter home tonight? This is what my husband is so afraid of…he believes she is so immature that she will continue to make these stupid mistakes. One of the reasons I do not want to make finances easy for her is that if she has time on her hands she will party rather than work and go to school. The more time she has, the more this will go on. She partied all through her first year away at school…a repeat of that with a car or the willingness to get in a car after drinking is just beyond my comprehension. I am so angry right now.

muzicgirl89 · January 2, 2011, 4:03am

So sorry mommathree, it was of course very stupid for your daughter to let another drunk person drive her home, although its sadly not too uncommon among people my age. In fact, I’m not gonna lie, I made that mistake once with a friend once myself except he was under the influence of a different drug. Luckily though, I later came to realization that this kind of thing wasn’t worth potentially killing someone or getting killed. For some college students, it takes longer for them to reach that maturity point in which they realize partying isn’t worth risking their lives. I do agree though that keeping her busy and pushing her to be independent will help her reach that point. In some ways, college just isn’t ENOUGH responsibility for some kids to learn; if one lives in a dorm, the only thing one has to do is go to class and do homework… there’s no money to manage (unless you have a job), no car to keep in good shape, and if you bomb out on classes you can retake those classes or head back home like your daughter did and start again. If you live at home like your daughter, life is even easier because all your home responsibilities are taken care of by mom and dad. Perhaps your daughter just needs a real dose of reality? I think if she has to work to pay her rent, bills, car insurance, etc… she may be less preocupied with partying and drama and more so with being responsible.

Good luck with everything and remember that its never too late for someone to turn around. Your daughter is still young… she still has time to grow up and become the mature, responsible adult that you want her to be.

momma-three · January 2, 2011, 7:51am

I have read many studies on ADHD and depression as well as books, and my daughters behavior meets most of the behaviors I have discussed but she is not symptomatic anymore since she has been on medication and in therapy. Both have been treated but the behaviors that she used while untreated are still working for her because I have not held her accountable.

Debrockman…I know you are the voice in my head reminding me that she is different because of these conditions. My son was different too when he was fighting a potentially life threatening illness but when he wanted to ski we let him because he came to life on the slopes. He could have laid in bed and lived a sick life but as young as he was he made the choice to be normal and we made sure he was as safe as possible. His choices made him empowered to fight and he regained the only control that he had at a time where there was no control over his illness only in how he lived with it.

My daughter is making choices to live sick and instead of taking control to make the changes to live a good life she is still acting as though she is an ungrateful spoiled brat who wants to hurt the people who have loved her the most. I believe the only chance she has now is in taking control of her choices and realizing through her own mistakes what will and won’t work for her. Her moving out is my way of saying that she needs to make her life and learn how to stand on her own two feet. I am scared because she drove in a car last night with a driver who was drinking. Did she do this because I would know? Did she do this to ensure that my husband would put his foot down, and continue to protect her from herself by allowing her to stay at home? I sure as heck hope not, but she still did it and the reasons really don’t matter. It scares me that after all of this my daughter could still do something as dangerous as this. I have even thought about letting her boyfriends mom know that he is driving in that condition…I will give this more thought today, but my big concern has and always will be, that she be safe from hurting herself or other people. I will never forget that my daughter has ADHD because it does cause many of her behaviors but it does not mean that at age 20 she should choose to live with them. She has choices, and she could choose to live a great life, or continue to dole out and live with the crap, or she could make the changes. We have given her the tools (medication therapy etc…) so she knows how to do it, now she needs to make her choice.
By the way when my son made his choice years ago, it allowed him to be strong because we trusted him to know his limits with his own body. We were beside him but he steered the way. He was only 8 years old at the time but he knew how much we loved him and he continued to take control even when he applied and went away to college. I was scared to death that he would be sick while away from home. The first year we thought he might have needed to come home. He took control of his life and we made many visits…he graduates from Cornell in May. He has been in remission for 21/2 years now. My daughter needs our trust that she could make it on her own.

debrockman · January 2, 2011, 8:24am

Momma you are right. The one absolute choice is a choice to live sick. That I agree with. My daughter made the very same one for awhile. That argument was not really for your benefit. It was to clarify that anyone who thinks that ADHD cannot be the basis of some pretty dramatic insanity is just wrong and shouldn’t pretend to think they are well-informed. ADHD does not always present in that way, but it absolutely can. My son is just a little disorganized. My husband has to focus on a very narrow life pattern with a lot of structure. My daughter’s ADHD took on a life of its own and without medication, we’d have never gotten her back. Good luck. My daughter’s recovery started with her “off on her own” to stop bring chaos into our home as well. And after she had tried everything SHE could find to stop the insanity in her head, and discovering that she was only hurtin herself and others, she was finally too tired to keep fighting, and in exhaustion, let her therapists try it “their” way. But even today, when she wakes up, before she takes her meds, she can forget to take them…those days are a little hairy still. Good luck.

jym626 · January 2, 2011, 9:01am

ADHD may coexist with many other behavior disorders and the behaviors described by ADHD can be ascribed to other causes (eg head/brain injury) but ADHD does NOT CAUSE The behaviors or choices that are being described. No matter how loud she wants to scream it, it doesn’t make her right. And yes, sleep apnea is common and often causes the inattentive symptoms that looks like ADHD, and oftentimes sleep apnea is misdiagnosed as ADHD. ADHD does not just surface in teen years. To be appropriately diagnosed, it must have begun in childhood, before age 7.

I totally agree with babtyontheway-- start another thread on this topic. So many people don’t believe in the existence of ADHD. Don’t go to the other extreme and try to claim that a disorder of inattention or overactivity causes severe conduct disorders or substance abuse disorders. It is ABSOLUTELY INCORRECT and this garbage needs to be thrown out where it belongs. Spewing this kind of nonsense can cause more skeptics to disbelieve the diagonsis of ADHD entirelely, and that would be a worse outcome.

There is a physician, Dr. Amen, who travels around claiming all sorts of stuff about ADHD-- none of which has been substantiated in the literature. There is no peer-reviewed research/ data to support his theories, though his PET scans are very pretty to look at. And as for Harvard professors, well, there was a fellow, the late John Mack. He believed he was abducted by aliens. There are very bright people who will make very preopsterous claims. Just stop, debrock. Just stop.

As an aside, there are several different pharmacological approaches to the management of inattention/impulse control/ behavioral dysregulation (which is then also combined with therapy). But even if the meds help to manage the behavioral symptoms, that does NOT mean that the diagnosis was/is ADHD. That is the tail wagging the dog.

And lastly, try to read a little more carefully, debrock. Your links all speak to what we have been trying to tell you-- ADHD may COEXIST with other disorders, but it doesn’t CAUSE Them. You may have brown hair and be 100 lbs overweight, but your hair color does not CAUSE your obesity- they co-exist.

Yes there have been studies about the association of ADHD- Impulsive type, and ADHD-Inattentive type, with concerns about driving. There have also been studies about apnea and narcolepsy and texting or talking on the cellphone and other things that cause inattentive driving. But to try to excuse or blame ADHD for severe conduct disorders is just ridiculous. And wrong. Yes- impulsive behaviors can occur when a person has ADHD- impulsive type. And some impulsive behaviors may be worse than others. But if a person did not have symptoms of ADHD before age 7 and seems to suddently manifest behavioral and/or attentional issues in college-- that is not ADHD. Even if the same meds are used to manage the symptoms, that is not ADHD. Sometimes the doctors say it is just to placate the insistent, but incorrect parents.

momma-three · January 2, 2011, 9:14am

I don’t think the issue is if ADHD exists or not, or in my daughters situation, if she has the same behaviors that many with ADHD share. It does not matter because the behavior is horrible and that is what matters. I don’t think most parents accept the diagnosis of ADHD and say he/she can just act how they want. There is no free ride to bad behavior and thats the reality.

Daughter just threw in the towel

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