Daughter needs time off-- NOW!!!

Parent Cafe
1

<p>Hi, </p>

<p>I am the mother of a 18 year old daughter whom is getting prepared to enter an ivy league school in the fall with a full scholarship. </p>

<p>The problem is, she is going through a lot of things right now both mentally and emotionally, and it is too late to request a deferral. She keeps going through periods of severe depression and mental breakdowns, and I am worried about sending her to school in the fall, because she has, several times already, tried to commit suicide. My husband and I have begun counseling sessions for her, but they have not seemed to help much.</p>

<p>She worked very hard to get into college and to earn her scholarships, and I know that she is mentally “burned out” from all of the academics, and is very overworked and depressed, but I really don’t know what to do for her to help her. She needs time off, and I don’t know how to ask the school for this without her losing her scholarships and possibly her admission. Both her father and I agree that the best option might be to just let her take time off for a year and travel, get counseling, a real job, etc., but we do NOT want to go through the college admissions process again.</p>

<p>Does anyone have any suggestions? I’d like for my daughter to retain her scholarships and admission, but not if it means that she kills herself in the process.</p>

<p>Thanks for reading!!!</p>

2

<p>It sounds like your daughter needs intensive medical intervention immediately. Is the counseling being done by a psychologist, psychiatrist or what? Given the seriousness of her situation I think you need to get her treated before sending her anywhere. Wouldn’t a doctor’s statement that she is not well enough to attend give her at least a semester deferral? If she had a life-threatening physical illness wouldn’t the college give her some time off for medical treatment? This should not be different. If she does go off to school at some point, it should then be with a continuing treatment plan and a doctor/ therapist near campus that will continue her treatment as appropriate. I know of a couple of girls in my older S’s freshman dorm who had severe problems (life-threatening eating disorders coupled in one case with other diagnoses), didn’t make it through the first semester and were in very serious shape and required hospitalization.</p>

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<p>What does your daughter want to do? Is she able to acknowledge the seriousness of her situation?</p>

4

<p>Under the circumstances you have described, the only sensible plan of action is to call the college and defer admission until next spring or fall. A suicidal child doesn’t become well without intensive therapy and medication, sometimes (or often) even a hospitalization. I would take her depression and cries for help very seriously. </p>

<p>It is not an indictment on your daughter’s ability to succeed in college that she needs time to get well now. Colleges are very familiar with situations such as these, and know how to deal with students who need to take leaves or deferrals. This is absolutely one of those situations, no question about it.</p>

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<p>As it turns out, colleges will not always give deferrals for serious illness. They expect that you either keep up with the work, or simply loose the semester and continue on the other side. Many schools are sympathetic but some are not and may not hold the space, and scholarship disbursement is contingent on actually going to the school that fall. Since scholarships are usually by semester or year, she will probably lose the money for whatever semester or year she doesn’t attend. if any are for a longer time, those may stick around, but the yearly ones will need to be reapplied for, and taking a year off may not be favorable to your daughter.</p>

<p>It sounds like starting counseling was a recent thing for her. These things take time (sometimes years) so expecting to see a vast improvement in only a month or two is being far too optimistic. She may not have had her “breakthrough” with the professional yet and that will just take time.</p>

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<p>the only thing you can do is to ask the college for a deferral and learn more about the financial consequences. You really do not have any option but to let her take time off given the seriousness of her condition. If she were to start attending college and were to need care, she would most likely be asked by the school to take time off anyway. But the risk of her doing something dangerous to her health in college is too high. If you remember the case of Elizabeth Shin at MIT, she had symptoms of mental health issues before college though apparently not as serious as your daugher. And she committed suicide. You cannot count on colleges and roommates to notice signs of problems and provide the support which you already know she needs.</p>

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<p>She wants to take time off from school; and then the next time she is asked, she wants to go to school. She needs time off, but is unsure whether or not she should ask given the fact that:</p>

<p>a) The school could rescind her admission and/or financial aid
b) She could lose one of her outside scholarships .</p>

8

<p>Honestly, I don’t think you can think about money and scholarships when your child’s health and safety is so seriously compromised.</p>

<p>Even if she loses the scholarship, she will be alive. Which is more important?</p>

<p>Sorry to be blunt, but there isn’t any beating around the bush with kids and mental health.</p>

<p>And the decision to go this fall is no longer hers. A professional (psychiatrist, I hope) should be helping her deal with all of this.</p>

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<p>I agree with -Allmusic-. What’s more, it’s possible that the plan to attend an Ivy with the concomitant responsibilities of living up to scholarship requirements–you did speak of burn-out–is exacerbating her mental health problems and stress. Please, get someone to take care of her.</p>

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<p>I’m not sure why some other posters are so negative here. </p>

<p>I think you’ll find most colleges and scholarship agencies quite accomodating to a mental health issue, especially when the issue is deferral.</p>

<p>That said, it is time you hit the phones or email and verify your options. Then, with professional help, you can make an informed decision.</p>

<p>Issues like this are too important to rely on anonymous advice from strangers. So call. </p>

<p>You also need to consider that the situation may not be as serious as you portray. There certainly could be some curious child - parent dynamics going on here, consciously or not; based on separation fear? Guilt?</p>

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<p>I thought if you didn’t attend the school, they gave the scholarships, grants, etc. to another qualified student?</p>

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<p>Sorry, NMD:</p>

<p>The first semester of college is the most stressful, and a student who worries about having to live up to scholarship expectations is going to be under even more stress.</p>

<p>I agree that all hope is not lost; that the college may well grant a deferral. Without knowing the terms of the scholarship (is it an outside scholarship? a scholarship from the college?) it is impossible to even guess at the financial consequences of deferral. But I do not think that it is advisable for a student who needs support to be at school. The school is not equipped to deal with ongoing problems–and really should not have to.</p>

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<p>I would think the last thing schools would want is to have a highly sought after student arrive on campus in rough shape and not able to face the year ahead
Frankly, if she is indeed depressed, facing a transition to college might tip her over the edge. Depression can be life threatening and you truly need to make sure she is safe and healthy to leave home. To be blunt, you don’t want to look back (if she makes a suicide attempt) and wonder why you all felt that starting college at this point in her life was so important. Her life and health are much more important</p>

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<p>are any of her friends going to the same college? maybe she could get put in a room with one of them, which i think would make the whole transition easier for her, especially if it’s a good friend that she could talk to and could keep an eye on things. </p>

<p>one of my friends had big problems with depression that he didn’t talk to anyone about and i just happened to stumble upon it and then everything all came out and honestly i don’t know where we’d be now if he wouldn’t have had me to talk to throughout college.</p>

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<p>Since Ivy scholarships from the schools are need based, unless your need changes you won’t lose anything. If they are outside scholarships, you need to contact whoever gave them for advise. Most of the Ivies now encourage a year off. I know Harvard does.</p>

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<p>In addition, Mental Health Treatment is available at all IVY Schools. I’d first look into what treatment options are available for your daughter while at school. She can always try treatment, and then take a medical leave if things don’t improve for her. She is likely old enough to exclude you from her treatment decisions despite your not being happy about this. </p>

<p>note: depression and student are a common duo.</p>

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<p>It’s definitely worth calling at at least asking for a semester of deferral – they can’t take away her admission or financial aid just for asking about her options!</p>

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<p>“I am the mother of a 18 year old daughter whom is getting prepared to enter an ivy league school in the fall with a full scholarship.”</p>

<p>I am confused as the implication is that she has a full merit aid scholarship, and no Ivies do this. All give only need-based aid. Consequently, something doesn’t add up here.</p>

<p>I am wondering if this is from a student who’s college-bound, suicidal, and is concerned about surviving.</p>

<p>If that’s the case, the student needs to contact the college about taking a gap year. To my knoweldge, all Ivy colleges are very supportive of gap years as long as the student plans to do something productive such as work a job, do planned travel, do volunteer work or I am sure take care of pressing medical problems. Since all of the Ivies’ give financial aid based on one’s need, one will continue to get aid up to one’s level of financial need even if you take a gap year.</p>

<p>Harvard even writes all accepted students and offers them the option of taking a gap year. That’s because Harvard knows that their students who take gap years do better academically than do their students who don’t take gap years before college. That’s because the gap year students develop more insight into themselves and their interests and develop more maturity.</p>

<p>Anyway, if you are a parent or even a student, the best thing for you to do would be to contact the college and request a gap year. Even colleges that are not Ivies grant these. If you happen to have merit aid, then the college may or may not guarantee your keeping that aid, but I do know someone who was offered full merit aid to a second tier private college, requested a gap year, and was granted that and was told he’d also keep his merit aid.</p>

<p>Meanwhile, since depression is a very serious mental health problem that could result in death, make sure that the student involved immediately gets into care with a licensed professional. She needs a thorough physical to rule out medical causes of the depression. If there are no medical causes found, she needs to see a psychiatrist and possibly a psychologist or social worker, all of whom are experienced in working with adolescents with depression problems, The best treatment for depression usually is medication plus therapy.</p>

<p>Please don’t rely on an Internet site like this to get the help you need for a very serious problem.</p>

<p>Best of luck!</p>

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<p>I think NSM is correct in her assumptions. Let me just add that my neice was granted a medical leave from the Ivy she was set to attend 2 weeks before class started. The provisions agreed on for her admission the following year were that she would attend a local college for a number of credits and a certain GPA later in the year, once she was well. She did this, and also did some other interesting things in her medi-gap year. Subsequently, she entered the school, and again had to take a medical leave. Having a strong medical advocate at home made a big difference. Now that she is ‘well-er’ she is back again. Anyone who has made a few recent suicide gestures belongs in one place and one place only, a mental health facility. College dorms do not provide what a student with acute issues like this need.</p>

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<p>I’m with MomofaKnight, I see so many red flags waving I don’t even know where to start! I’m a pediatric nnurse and have taught in colleges for over 20 years. I’ve seen more attempted suicides in female teens in my professional life than I care to think about. I’ll be blunt - getting into counseling is a good thing but frankly going through the college application process again would seem like a minor inconvenience compared to choosing a casket. I’d call the college immediately and explain the situation. If she can’t take a year off to get herself some help, then obviously this would not be the college to sent an emotionally fragile young woman. I don’t know what type of counseling she’s getting but it sounds like she needs something more intensive, and even with that you won’t see dramatic improvement overnight.<br>
My hear aches for her and for you. But while laudable, going to an Ivy is not the golden key to success. She might be better off somewhere else.</p>