Daughter needs time off-- NOW!!!

Parent Cafe
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<p>Something that came through from the OP is a concern about the $$, which is valid, but may be clouding the decision making</p>

<p>Maybe D feels bad about the Potential of losing the scholarships (which are outside ones), and thus is saying she wants to go to school, and see the confusion from the parents about having to possibly go through application process again, etc…often kids will say what they THINK we want to hear, even if that is not the case…so the OP needs to sit down with D and say, okay, we are getting to focused on the $$, that well, we can figure out later, and take that side of the equation out so the decision will be made that is the best one</p>

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<p>Darcy, please keep in mind that if your D is 18 yrs old, once she goes away to school you may not have access to any information about her medical or psychological health, unless she gives written permission each and every time she meets or talks to a professional. While she is living with you, at least you can intervene if you notice signs of any deterioration and can alert her mental care professional immediately.</p>

<p>Universities are not a good place for emotionally fragile youngsters. The first semester is hard enough without that type of baggage. And other students are not equipped to monitor the mental health of their friends - they don’t have the training or the experience, and they have their own burdens of stress to deal with.</p>

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<p>Whether or not the young woman is headed for an Ivy, there’s probably next to no chance of losing her scholarships if she takes time off due to a life-threatening medical emergency – which is what the situation is that you describe.</p>

<p>Please get her a through medical exam ASAP, and then connect her with a psychiatrist and a licensed social worker or clinical psychologist experienced with adolescents. They can also provide the documentation that the college will need to hold her space.</p>

<p>No one who is suicidal needs to be going away from home to college. The new environment, lack of friends/family monitoring them, etc. – all could be enough to push her over the edge. Probably the majority of students who go to college have some resulting depression freshman year as they get adjusted. Consequently, if one is already seriously depressed, this could be the last straw.</p>

<p>Again, this is not something to figure out by using a message board, but to handle by talking with someone like a licensed professional of the types that I mentioned and by talking frankly with the college. I doubt that any college also would yank her admission and scholarship for the kind of situation that you have described.</p>

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<p>If her daughter is 18, she already will not have access to her medical/mental health information unless she is deemed incompetant or she signs a release so her parents can have access</p>

<p>A good reference for those of us with kids about to turn 18 is:</p>

<p>The Launching Years : Strategies for Parenting from Senior Year to College Life (Paperback)</p>

<p>There is a good chapter on mental health</p>

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<p>I attended Columbia and made use of their Counseling and Psychological Services office at a few points. They care, and will go beyond what you would think are reasonable demands in order to accomodate. I am quite confident that if presented with your daughter’s situation they would agree with your plan for a year’s deferral. Medical Leaves of Absence are quite common and not stigmatized at all.</p>

<p>Outside merit scholarships would have to be worked out separately, as has been said elsewhere, but I strongly encourage getting a letter from your mental health professional and then going and speaking (along with your daughter) with the people at your college. Forget admissions for now - talk to the student services people, the advisors, the registrar, any counseling/psych services office that might exist - and have them make a recommendation. </p>

<p>Believe it or not, what’s in your daughter’s best interest is in their best interest too.</p>

<p>-Steve</p>

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<p>My daughter did not go away to an Ivy, but she did have a merit scholarship. She had a very difficult junior year and had I not seen tremendous improvement in her mental health during her senior year, she would have not gone. Even with significant improvement, there were much stress, many late night phone calls, and frequent trips home via the Fung Wah Bus between NYC and Boston. You need to think long and hard before you send away a young person who is clearly already in distress. Decide first whether or not she should go. Once you have made that decision then you can make the calls regarding her options beyond withdrawal.</p>

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<p>Update: I have contacted two of the outside organizations where she has received scholarships from-- they will allow her to retain her scholarships until she decides to enroll in school. </p>

<p>I have not yet contacted the school about whether or not she can defer. I will be doing that shortly.</p>

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<p>Darcy. I wish you and your daughter well.</p>

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<p>MomofaKnight-- thank you very much for your kind words.</p>

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<p>Darcy:</p>

<p>Good news on the scholarship front. I’m confident that the school will allow her to defer. My best wishes for you and your D.</p>

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<p>Another update: I have spoken with my daughter’s school, and I have an appointment with them tomorrow afternoon about this issue.</p>

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<p>It’s great that you’re following up. Remember to also get her a thorough physical because sometimes depression is due to medical problems.</p>

<p>Best of luck!</p>

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<p>best of luck Darcy … I hope everything works out well for your daughter!</p>

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<p>If the counseling sessions haven’t work, find another doctor, and it should be one that specializing with teens and young adult, and one that possible prsecribe a medication. My friends D was suffering from anxiety attacks, mood swings, insomnia, and other odd symptoms. The first counselor couldn’t “connect” with the young lady, so they found another one. Personallities are really important in therapy, and trust is a major thing.</p>

<p>A therapist who is great with 40 yr old can be clueless about young people.</p>

<p>So get some good recommendations from your doctor, a trusted teacher or school person, and even the therapist. A good therapist will see that it is not a good match, and will know someone who might fit better.</p>

<p>My friend’s D is on a low dosage medication. She sleeps through the night, and while still has “issues” she doesn’t panic, and get anxious all the time over them.</p>

<p>A lack of sleep was a big issue for her, is your D sleeping well? Is her diet good? Does she exercise?</p>

<p>At the end of every session, the girl and the therapist did relaxation exercises, including breathing, yoga, learning to meditate, so that my friends D could learn how to handle the stressful situations and come off the medication, if that was warranted.</p>

<p>Your Ds situation is obviouslly different, but I do encourage you to really find a good therapist, phsychiatirst (I saw one in HS- he told me with all my family garbage, I was actually doing pretty well), and make sure D is very comfortable.</p>

<p>You should ask her about the person she is seeing now…what she likes and doesn’t like, D should have a lot of input into this decision as to who she sees and talks to…otherwise, she may not put in the effort…and you can see, she needs to be willing to get the help and that can only come with someone she is comfortable with</p>

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<p>Darcy, so sorry to hear about your daughter’s struggles. Indeed, she sounds as though she is suffering a mental illness. My brother has been seriously ill with bi-polar disease for more than twenty years.</p>

<p>Many mental illnesses manifest most profoundly when the child goes to college. The loss of structure, the loss of the childhood homelife or the impending loss of structure, are sometimes issues which are too big to absorb when the mind does not see reality correctly.</p>

<p>Psychiatry has changed phenomenally in the last ten to fifteen years. Researchers can now see mental illness in scanned brain images. They are more certain than ever that mental illness is a physiological malfunction. This means that in a crisis such as your daughter’s, medication and a psychiatrist–the very best, very smartest one you can find–is the first line of rescue. Therapy is a terrific back-up to the medication and a life-long necessity for patients, but it cannot remedy phsyiological problems. You need a brilliant psychiatrist as quickly as possible. </p>

<p>Do you have any friends who are academic doctors at leading universities? You might ask them for a recommendation for a psychiatrist for your daughter. </p>

<p>Also, given the unknown status of your daughter’s illness, I would not mention the suicide attempts in your meeting tomorrow. It should be possible to indicate the gravity of the situation without that description. It may be that your daughter will bounce back from her illness with the help of medication and I am afraid that ‘suicidal’ will ruin her chances to attend the Ivy.</p>

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<p>I agree. I cannot imagine that a conversation with the dean of students would not result in a satisfactory deferral arrangement.</p>

<p>The last thing any of these schools want is a suicidal-risk freshman arriving for orientation. It makes much more sense for everyone involved to address this issue now rather than wait for an emergency intervention after enrollment. Enrolling now is not in the best interest of the student or the university, IMO. I really don’t think you will encounter resistance to a more sensible solution, regardless of the deadlines.</p>

<p>This is an instance where I would suggest an exception to my general advice that parents should stay out of it. In this case, I think a phone call (or introductory e-mail arranging a phone conference) between a parent and the Dean of Students would be an immediate first step. I think this conversation would (and probably should) extend to include the head of Psych counseling at the University – a dialog that should definitely happen between the student and Pscyh services when it is time for actual enrollment next semester or next year.</p>

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<p>Darcy47 - God bless both of you. Please keep us all up-dated on developments, and we wish you the best outcome.</p>

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<p>A thought…</p>

<p>A college that flatly refuses to grant a deferral and penalizes the student for taking time off in such dire circumstances is NOT one at which she would be able to succeed, even once she gets her life stablized. </p>

<p>Another thought: colleges do not want the liability of “forcing” a student to come there, who then commits suicide. Furthermore, colleges don’t want to set up kids to fail.</p>

<p>Heart goes out to you. This one sounds tough.</p>

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<p>Had a talk with my daughter. She agrees that if she can take some time off, it would be good for her to do so.</p>

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<p>Darcy:</p>

<p>The very best of luck in your discussions with the college! I’m sure that if your D can take some time off, it will relieve a lot of the pressures she has been experiencing. A bit of rest, a bit more maturity, some distance from the application pressures from senior year, all this should be helpful.</p>