<p>Long story short, my daughter and I got into a big argument over her not wanting to go to the graduation ceremony, which has resulted in a silent treatment on both sides.
She just wants to get her diploma in the mail, because she doesn’t feel any connection to the school and feels she shouldn’t have to go.
However, because I paid for her to go to school I believe she has to walk, for me, and that her choosing to not do so is selfish and somewhat ungrateful for what I’ve done for her.</p>
<p>I believe she should walk regardless of how she feels about it because this is an important milestone in her life, and I want to be able to be there for that moment.</p>
<p>Should I give up and let her have her way, or is there something I could do to persuade her to go?</p>
<p>Whether one wants to walk or not walk at one’s graduation is a personal decision by the student concerned. While he/she should take relatives’ feelings into account, it’s ultimately his/her decision…and relatives/parents forcing the issue is much more likely to result in the student digging his/her heels rather than change his/her mind.</p>
<p>In short, I’d back off for a bit and cool off for a day or two and assess and reconsider how to approach the conversation to avoid further alienating your D. </p>
<p>Especially considering I’m getting the impression you’re really pressuring her heavily out of entitlement “because I paid for her to go to school I believe she has to walk, for me, and that her choosing to not do so is selfish and somewhat ungrateful for what I’ve done for her.”</p>
<p>Rightly or wrongly, that’s one of the most counterproductive approaches to take if you want any chance of a positive outcome…or hope to preserve any semblance of a good relationship with your D in the long term.</p>
<p>Is it worth alienating your D and potentially permanently undermining your relationship with your D over what is ultimately a symbolic ceremony considering she’s ultimately getting her diploma?</p>
<p>The bigger piece to me isnt that she wants to walk or not, as many students decide that the time & money spent on the ceremony could be better spent elsewhere, but that after four years, she still doesnt feel connected to the school.
That must have been very difficult for her to stick it out so long.</p>
<p>Im sure OP, that youve read recent threads regarding students who are transferring after just over a month in college.
Did she ever express a wish to transfer?
Im sure you are proud of her and want to give her friends and family a chance to congratulate her. Is she open to a graduation party even if she doesnt walk across the stage?</p>
<p>This is very hard on parents. We want to be able to share in our children’s milestones/special moments but ultimately, it belongs to them. Calm down and treat your daughter like the adult she is becoming. Find out what she wants, explore the consequences of the options and respect her decision. She will be grateful and your relationship will grow.</p>
<p>What type of graduation ceremony is it? High school, college, graduate/professional degree?
My son did not want to attend his high school graduation ceremony. Nothing we could do to persuade him. Even the school tried to get him to go (they wanted 100% attendance–in a class of 400+, I believe there was one other student who couldn’t make it because he was attending a sibling’s college graduation.) S didn’t feel “connected” to the class/school though he’d attended for 4 years. He doesn’t like ceremonies and didn’t see the point. We weren’t that surprised he felt that way and didn’t pressure him. A bit sad, but not important in the big scheme of things. He didn’t have a party or attend any graduation parties. Our family did go out to dinner to recognize his graduation. A year later, and it is all forgotten.
I’d say don’t pressure her–just let her make the decision. You can tell her why you’d like to see her walk up and receive the diploma, that it is meaningful to YOU, etc., but if she still refuses, let it go. When is the graduation? Dec.? or next spring? She may change her mind if it is in the spring.</p>
<p>While I wouldn’t go that far, I can relate someone to your S’ perspective as I do feel that many place far more emotional investment and hype into ceremonies than IMO is warranted. </p>
<p>Granted, part of that may be due to my MBTI personality type taking as someone heavily on the NTJ side. </p>
<p>Out of curiosity, is your son an INTJ or ENTJ by any chance?</p>
<p>The graduation ceremony is not the point, being educated and a graduate is the point. Support your DD by celebrating HER milestone the way she want to do it.</p>
<p>However, because I paid for her to go to school I believe she has to walk, for me, and that her choosing to not do so is selfish and somewhat ungrateful for what I’ve done for her.</p>
<p>I don’t think she’s being selfish, but if she is, she may have learned that from the person who is insisting that she walk “for me”.</p>
<p>Out of my large family, only two brothers and I participated in our undergrad ceremonies. Only one brother and I went to our professional grad ceremonies. My folks only flew to attend one of our ceremonies and attended another because it was in our city. They respected all our choices to participate or not. </p>
<p>That said, our kids both chose to walk in their BA/BEE ceremonies and we flew up and celebrated with them. We would have been a little sad but respected their choice if they decided not to participate. My nieces and nephew have also chosen to participate and parents flew up to attend. Not certain if younger niece will choose to walk or not–my son will try to convince her to and may fly to attend as well. </p>
<p>While I can identify with the disappointment if the child doesn’t want to participate, we would probably gently try to persuade but leave it up to the student. Ours warmed to the idea as more and more of their friends were excited about participating. They are glad they did. My sibs on the other hand have no regrets for not participating in their bachelors or grad/pro school ceremonies. </p>
<p>The attorneys DID participate in their swearing in ceremonies for the Bar and when they were appointed to the bench. :)</p>
<p>Either way, you’re not going to get what you want – a memory of a proud, smiling graduate who’s happy to participate in her graduation ceremony and to share this important moment in her life with you. </p>
<p>Neither of my sons walked in the huge university wide ceremonies.
They attended the smaller departmental ones.<br>
Maybe the two on you could come to some sort of a compromise. Have a special family dinner to recognize her accomplishment. Take her to a frame shop and the two of you select a nice matting/frame for her new diploma. There are other ways you can celebrate her graduation without having to walk across the stage.</p>
<p>If she is adamant that she doesn’t want to participate in any way, I’d let it go. It’s not worth the hard feelings between you.</p>
<p>Why are you arguing about this now? When is the graduation… and does she need to make a decision today? I’d kick the can if it were me. Feelings change- you may decide you’d rather celebrate by taking her on a special weekend trip (for the same cost as attending the graduation if it involves travel, hotel, etc) or she may decide she wants to go. Either way- why silent treatment??? Is this the first time you guys have disagreed? Miraculous!</p>
<p>Neither my sibling nor I attended large graduation programs from college nor grad school. My son’s college was quite small, and there were lunch and dinner activities. I got to meet profs and the families of his close friends. </p>
<p>IMHO, I would explore the daughter’s feelings about the graduation. I like Blossom’s suggestion to plan a special activity or trip to mark the occasion.</p>
<p>Perhaps because in some college communities, if you don’t make your hotel reservations many months in advance, you’re likely to find yourself sleeping in the next state.</p>
<p>I went to my LONG high school graduation…1100 students and six or seven speakers. I swore I would never attend a graduation of my own again…and I didn’t. Didn’t go for bachelors, masters or post masters ceremonies. </p>
<p>My son did not go to the “big” Boston University graduation but went to the departmental one. For his masters, DH and I went to all of his recitals, and concerts. DH went to the graduation but I didn’t. I had taken two days off the previous week for a concert.</p>
<p>For DD, she did walk in graduation, but didn’t receive her diploma until August when she completed one last course. We all went.</p>
<p>I think this decision should be the student’s decision…although I’m happy to have pictures of my kids at graduation.</p>
<p>We made our reservations ONE YEAR in advance for accommodations!</p>
<p>Respectfully disagree. Sending a child to college, in our family at least, is a true group effort. Lots of give and take from all six of us. And if I made it known to my child that it was really important to me, to my husband and his siblings, to be able to watch him walk the stage at graduation, I would hope, expect really, that he would do just that, with grace. It’s not about owing us, or paying us back for the sacrifices we’ve all made. It’s about recognizing that your life isn’t only about yourself and what makes you happy. And knowing that a couple of hours, tops, is a pretty insignificant “sacrifice” to bring some closure and happiness to your family. So many more important things for a 21 year old to be adamant about after four years of reaping the benefits of a college education, which for us is still very much a privilege and not a right.</p>
<p>Doesn’t cost to make a hotel reservation as long as the parents remember to cancel on time. So make the reservation and defer the discussion until March?</p>
<p>If this were the student asking if she were being unreasonable for not wanting to go to graduation, I would unequivocally say yes. Your mom carried you for nine months, raised you, probably drove you for hundreds of hours to things you wanted and needed to do, and it’s not too much to ask for you to sit through a couple of hours of a graduation ceremony, even if it’s just for her. Unless there’s some really strong reason not to go–like you were bullied and the school never helped you, maybe–you should do this for your family members. A high school graduation is not just about the graduates-it’s also about their families. Not liking ceremonies is a lame excuse for disappointing your family.</p>
<p>But since it’s the mom who’s asking the question, it’s harder to say what to do. Personally, I would deliver a speech like the above to my recalcitrant kid to try to persuade her to go. At some point, I’d give up and try to get over it. But the kid is the one in the wrong here, unless there are some unusual facts.</p>