<p>I think you’re risking turning this matter into a completely different milestone, at least in your daughter’s mind: “the time I finally stood up to my mother, and told her she can’t keep manipulating me with guilt trips and running my life.”</p>
<p>I understand that you’re disappointed at the idea of not watching your daughter march in her graduation from…whatever it is that she’s graduating from. But are you so disappointed that it’s worth damaging your relationship with your daughter? Because “silent treatment on both sides” is unlikely to be beneficial to the relationship.</p>
<p>Personally, I would drop this as if it were on fire.</p>
<p>Thumper1, I am with you… I wouldn’t have minded skipping my high school graduation. Large, dull, not very inspiring. Could have easily skipped college as well, although my parents insisted and my brothers flew in to surprise me for it. So the family time was a good thing, but honestly… we could have done something far more interesting with our day together.</p>
<p>OP, especially if this is (1) high school, and/or (2) a very large school, let your D skip. Agree that asking her to pick a different way to celebrate (family dinner, framing diploma) is a good idea. </p>
<p>Both of my kids went to a small high school (class size ~50) where the ceremony was short and pretty meaningful because we all knew every single kid very well. All of their teachers from K-12 were in attendance, too, which was really nice. Kinda cool to have their kindergarten teacher there when they graduate. So that was one it would have been a problem to skip, but kids knew that and didn’t suggest it.</p>
<p>D1 went to an LAC with about 400 kids per class. But she loved her school and got a lot of honors and awards, so graduation was important to her. So we all went… but if she had not enjoyed her school and wanted to skip, I would have let her. I didn’t pay tuition for the ceremony – I paid it for her to be educated and to help her in the job market after graduation. I wouldn’t see it as my “right” to attend graduation.</p>
<p>intparent, not to pick on you specifically, but the fact that the ceremony may not be “interesting,” “inspiring,” or “meaningful” to the graduate is not the whole story. If it will be interesting and meaningful to family members–I note that your brothers found it meaningful enough to fly in for it–the graduate should take that into account. It’s an opportunity to behave in an adult way and to take into account the feelings of others.</p>
<p>My brothers also found it dull, honestly. They would rather have been someplace else as well as a family… this was a large university (~20,000 undergrads). Even the department graduation was ridiculously large. Maybe because there was never any doubt that any of us were going to graduate, we didn’t skate close to the edge on grades or credits, it just wasn’t very meaningful. I think my brothers felt the same way, they could take or leave their ceremonies. My parents are very big on appearances, so we went to most of them – but even for them, it wasn’t about celebrating accomplishment, it was just “what you did”.</p>
<p>At some point making decisions for oneself has to take the place of doing things because the parents want it. College graduation seems like a good time to me. Weddings are another time this situation comes up, my mother guilted me into a wedding ceremony I didn’t want.</p>
<p>I doubt my S will want to attend his college graduation, and that is OK with me.</p>
<p>Ditto keepingitlight and Hunt. A couple hours for a milestone in your kids life is not too much to ask. Hey mom, just skip her next birthday and explain you don’t care for boring ceremonies (just kidding! I would never do that.)</p>
<p>I made the hotel reservation for my daughter’s college graduation in September, and I had to cancel by February if I wanted my money back. There were special rules at the hotels in that area for that week (and I didn’t even stay in the college community – my hotel was 30 miles away).</p>
<p>To answer some questions, it’s a college graduation and it’s in December. This isn’t the first time my D and I have talked about her attending the ceremony or not. This is just the first time she decided to give reasoning of why she shouldn’t have to go, since before she just said she just didn’t want to attend. In addition to the fact that I’d be the only guest she’d have attend the ceremony for her.</p>
<p>Also she has transferred schools, she started out at community college, then went to study abroad for a year and these last two years she’s been finishing her degree back home.</p>
<p>I don’t know about the INTJ things.</p>
<p>We live within driving distance of the school and where the ceremony will be held, so reservations are not an issue.</p>
<p>I completely agree. I also agree with keepingitlight: this is not all about you, kid. I went to my “graduation” for the sake of my parents, even though I wasn’t receiving my diploma until I finished a couple more courses. I had no desire to go. It didn’t kill me.</p>
<p>To the mother: I <em>really</em> abhor playing the money card. Very poor form, IMHO. Whether you paid for four years at the school or your kid went on full scholarship, she should STILL be big enough to participate for the sake of her family. But if you have raised her with the value that money and who paid is what is important, then it is perhaps not surprising that she sees no value in honoring your feelings. Maybe you should offer to PAY her to go, since that’s what matters in your family. :rolleyes:</p>
<p>I agree that if there is some genuine trauma associated with the school, that’s another matter. If it is just a big cattle call, well, that’s what you all signed up for when you picked the place. If there is a smaller, departmental ceremony, perhaps she would agree to attend that, instead.</p>
<p>Pay no attention to Cobrat’s ENTJ stuff: I’m the same type and I almost always disagree with him. :D</p>
<p>Of course, I don’t know anything about this situation except what’s in this thread, but it seems to me they’re both kind of acting as if they’re 20. But only one of them is.</p>
<p>She’s 23 after 18 I let her do what she wants for her birthdays, we haven’t had parties of ceremonies for that in years. At this age all she wants is a cake. That wouldn’t work for her even if I wanted to do that.
I tried using monetary persuasion, but rather than give her more, I’d take it away. I’m hoping that an absence of money might help, since she doesn’t have a job so she does depend on me for this.</p>
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<p>I didn’t think about that, I have just been so set on her to go to the ceremony that I didn’t consider there could be other alternatives. Though we usually have a family dinner after any event, and it to me wouldn’t seem as special if she doesn’t go to the event we’re celebrating for</p>
<p>Sounds like you are a “celebrations” person and she is not… you probably need to decide if this is a hill you really want to try to take, given that she clearly is not interested in going to graduation. Every time you fight a battle like this with another person, it costs you something in the relationship. You have to decide if it is more important to have your way, or do what would make the other person happy. She has to do the same. </p>
<p>Also… are there multiple components to graduation? At my D1’s school there were a bunch of different events. Maybe if there is a small department graduation event, she would be willing to just do that and skip the larger event. And maybe you could make her a cake to celebrate. :)</p>
<p>CoffeeCar, I sympathize with you and, as a mom, I also agree with you. But, I also see your D’s side- I am not big on ceremonies. If you are the only one that is attending perhaps you could share the moment some other way. Your D feels that she doesn’t want or need thousands of other people (who she cares nothing about) in attendance. When she receives her diploma why don’t the two of you celebrate? Short trip, spa day, fancy dinner, or shopping trip…or something you both enjoy. “Walking” just isn’t her thing and, at the end of the day, shouldn’t come between you. Good luck!</p>
<p>This is about her college graduation. She did go to her High school graduation, and she wasn’t big on doing that either, but just like now she didn’t have a choice and went. However she seemed more ok with high school because she had her friends there too, but even then she has said she wouldn’t have minded not attending.</p>
<p>This is what I tried to explain to my daughter, but she still doesn’t believe she should at the least go for me. This is my only child and I am a single mother, and I want her to understand this fact. She’s not generally this selfish, but just like you said “your life isn’t only about yourself and what makes you happy” she thinks the opposite, and refuses to grant this one little request I ask of her.</p>
<p>I say for me because I will be the only family member attending, the timing of December graduation is so close to the holidays that other friends and family she would like to attend, if she was going to go, can’t make it.</p>
<p>Again, with the money. Is this the only tie that binds you two together?</p>
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<p>This is very, very true. It sounds as if it has been a long road to this graduation. One could speculate about the stresses between the two of you along the way. Did she want to start at CC? Did she have to stay home and go to CC because she couldn’t get into a 4-year school, or because you couldn’t afford it, or because you could afford it but refused to spend the money and made her turn down the place she wanted to go? We see all of these scenarios on CC. You could be the parent who scrimps and sacrifices to educate their D, or the parent who refuses to spend more than the minimum despite being well able to afford anything, or something in between. She might be an unrealistic brat, or the hardest-working kid in the world. </p>
<p>Only you know what has gone on between you. But personally, my focus would be on your relationship and trying to repair it.</p>
<p>I have raised her fairly well, and the value of money is not important in a general basis. But in relation to college it’s fairly important. I admit it’s not the best reason in an argument, but during the heat of the moment these are the things I said to her.</p>
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Money is not the only thing, we generally have a good relationship, however at this time money seems like it could be the only hard motivator because nothing else will move her. Despite this even money is not working so I’m SOL on all accounts</p>
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<p>She was neutral about CC, she went because she didn’t get accepted into any colleges at the time, and the one she really wanted to go to, and went to eventually for her study abroad, was much too expensive, still was expensive, and the only reasons I considered it the next time around because the $300 application fee got waived by her attending CC. She seemed just fine going to CC and didn’t resent it and from what I know she enjoyed her time at CC.</p>
<p>I don’t really see the issue of not wanting to pay for certain things, and I know I limited her choices for college, even more so when she returned from her study abroad, because it’s just too expensive (she wanted to go to some expensive local art school). I wanted her to finish college debt free,and she did apply for scholarships and grants but they were few and far between with what she received, so I had to limit her choices and she seemed to be just fine and not complain about it.</p>
<p>I know I limited her choices for college, even more so when she returned from her study abroad, because it’s just too expensive (she wanted to go to some expensive local art school). I **wanted her to finish college debt free, so I had to limit her choices **and she seemed to be just fine and not complain about it.</p>
<p>Maybe if you had let her borrow a small amount (like $7,500k per year for jr and sr years), she would have gone to a school that she had liked and then she would have proudly walked. </p>
<p>You live by the sword, you die by the sword.</p>
<p>We can’t tell whether her reluctance to go to graduation is based on a deep-seated resentment of college choices that she feels were forced upon her, or whether she is just a cranky petulant young adult. I think the best thing is for you to take her out to dinner to a place she likes, tell her how proud you are of her, and ask her really nicely if she will agree to go the graduation because it means so much to you. If she still says no, forget it.</p>