<p>You both need to step back from the cliff. The graduation is in December, it is within driving distance, it’s not like you’re both picking out what to wear right now for something that takes place in two hours.</p>
<p>Table the discussion until two weeks before the event. Mom- put it on your calendar so it’s a place holder in case your D changes her mind. And then let it go. You are both using this is a wedge issue (or maybe a red herring- fighting about graduation instead of whatever real issue is bugging you) which is not a great way for you to kick off your adult relationship with your D.</p>
<p>So back off and let the semester percolate.</p>
<p>Both of you may enjoy a spa day instead of graduation, and you can toast your D with a glass of green tea for making it through; she can toast you for all your help and support. Don’t poison your D’s accomplishment by making it about the actual graduation… the important thing is that she’s graduating.</p>
[quote]
Table the discussion until two weeks before the event. [/quote</p>
<p>At that point, the daughter may have given away her allotted graduation tickets to a friend who has more than the usual number of family members coming.</p>
<p>December graduations tend to be much more low-key. And more likely to have a lot of no-shows. (I did not attend my Dec. graduation for MA. . .Could’ve skipped my BA ceremony at big public u., too.)
If it is a big school, the ceremony can be boring and impersonal. And there is the hassle of traffic/parking and trying to FIND each other afterward. My two oldest have already graduated from college. It was a huge sacrifice for the family to send them both to small, private LACs. The whole family (7-8 people) traveled to attend their graduation ceremonies, which were meaningful to our kids. Getting those degrees was a lot of hard work, the accomplishment should be recognized, and they should have an opportunity to celebrate and say goodbye. </p>
<p>I believe cobrat was asking about my son’s MB personality type (the kid who refused to go to his high school graduation.) Not sure of his type, but I should have mentioned that this S is autistic, doesn’t like crowds, and that pretty much explains it. (He actually does like attending religious ceremonies, family holidays, etc.) He is now a soph. at a large public university. I can see him opting out of his college graduation ceremony as well. (And that will be fine with me, as long as he gets the degree.)</p>
<p>I do think the D should consider the mom’s feelings and show appreciation for her financial sacrifices. But if she doesn’t want to go? Shrug. Don’t make it a battle of wills. Let her make the final decision and don’t bring it up again. Just ask her how she would like to celebrate.</p>
<p>@Marian
They don’t get the tickets until they order their caps and gowns. So as to control the student tickets, they get four freebies. The deadline for that is in November</p>
<p>I’m with Hunt. If it means a lot to the mom, the daughter ought to hold her nose and go. But if the daughter refuses, it’s a bad idea for the mom to push it, especially coercively. It’s not going to achieve anything except damage to the relationship.</p>
<p>I personally would feel manipulated, trapped, and angry if my parent had pulled this “take me to a nice public place and bring up the topic we have been arguing about” stunt. If you can’t get her to discuss and agree at home, trying to “soften her up” will probably backfire. And just show that the power of your money (paying for a nice dinner) rules again.</p>
<p>OP, I think you need to give some serious thought to why you are so invested in attending this ceremony. If you will not know anyone there except your D, who does not want to attend, why is this public event important to you? Your D may also have reasons for not wanting to attend she has not shared with you. Maybe she really hasn’t made any friends at school and feels like everyone will be celebrating around her when she doesn’t have anyone to do that with. Maybe she is ashamed of you in some way (sorry, but have to put it out there…). Maybe she hates crowds – one of my kids is super sensitive to noise and crowds, and hates all events like that – not just graduations, but other events as well. Heck… maybe she really ISN’T on track to graduate and doesn’t want to tell you (wouldn’t be the first time we have heard that story out here!).</p>
<p>I feel for you, OP. Like your D, my son is graduating in December. There is no December commencement at his school, and to wait for spring might be anti-climactic. I love ceremonies much more than he does, and I probably won’t get to see him graduate. </p>
<p>I plan to congratulate him heartily, tell him how proud I am of him, and ask him for his ideas on how to celebrate his accomplishment. (The fact that we paid for his schooling makes it no less HIS accomplishment.) If he doesn’t want to do anything, I’ll come up with a few ideas of my own - ones I think he might like - and ask him if they are okay. </p>
<p>I think your focus needs to be on telling your daughter that you are proud of her. I agree with others to wait a couple of months before bringing it up again. Focus on your relationship with her. Then, at the beginning of December, tell her how much it would mean to you to go to her graduation. Ask if she’d be willing to go because it means so much to you. Let her know you’ll accept her decision either way. Don’t demand anything.</p>
<p>Your relationship with her is more important than the ceremony.</p>
hmm … how about … if means a lot to the daughter, the mom ought to hold her nose and not pressure her to go. Each participant can chose to oblige the others desire or not. If they can not come to agreement, for me, the person’s whose event it is gets the ultimate call.</p>
<p>PS - there is another really long thread on this topic if anyone wants to search for it</p>
<p>My son graduated from college a month after I had started a new job. It was a two-part event – an all-university ceremony in the stadium, followed by an event for just his school the next day.</p>
<p>Because I had started my job only a month earlier, I only had enough vacation time to attend one event, not both. So I asked my son which event I should attend, and he said the second one. </p>
<p>Shortly before the graduation, I found out that I could attend both events after all (I had earned some extra time off that I had not anticipated). However, by that point he had given away my ticket to the stadium ceremony to one of his roommates, who needed it for a grandparent. At his massive state university, it would have been ridiculous to even try to find someone in the bureaucracy who could issue an extra ticket. We didn’t try.</p>
<p>I don’t understand the point of view, espoused by the OP and some posters, of “do this thing for me, even though you don’t want to.” I can’t imagine asking someone I love (or otherwise) to do something just because I want them to, with no intrinsic benefit, besides just because it’s what I want. It feels manipulative to me. How would I get any enjoyment from getting someone to do something they don’t want to do, just because I want it?</p>
<p>I wouldn’t enjoy the experience; I wouldn’t feel good about getting what “I” wanted.</p>
<p>She has to make the decision by next month. The school deadline for her to sign up for the ceremony (and pay for cap and gown) is in November. It seems this is a large graduating class so after the deadline they won’t be making any exceptions for students who missed it or changed their minds after the deadlines.</p>
<p>If you want to spend the next 8 weeks locked in a feverish battle- then go for it. Seems like you are setting a rocky precedent for the next three dozen or so disagreements you will be having with your D. Moving into her new apartment for her first big job- can she do it alone, or must Mom be there to make sure the shelves in the kitchen are lined? Attending a conference where your D is speaking. Meeting her significant other for the first time. Sitting in the audience when your D gets an award from her industry trade group. Does a parent get to call the shots on how and how much participation there will be forever and forever? Isn’t there a way to compromise- to celebrate the D’s accomplishment in a way that’s meaningful to the D???</p>
<p>I didn’t want to walk in any of my graduations from high school to law school. It felt ridiculous and phony and a waste of my time since the work was done. I dreaded the ceremonies. That said, I did walk because I had family there. Focus as much as possible on the other parts that she might like (grandparents visiting/party etc) and less on the walk. If it were me (as a mom) I’d go ahead and plan for it happening–planning QUIETLY (not harping behind her back or acting as if it were your event) in the event she comes around—and keep my mouth shut. Pushing will not help.</p>
<p>Sometimes, people will do something for another person, even though they don’t want to, because they want to please the other person. And they get pleasure themselves from pleasing the other person.</p>
<p>Haven’t you ever gone to an opera or a basketball game – even though you don’t enjoy opera or basketball – because a friend or family member asked you to go with them? And didn’t you find some pleasure in pleasing your friend or family member, even though you didn’t especially like the activity?</p>
<p>I think the mom in this instance is hoping that her daughter will view graduation in the same way that I would view going to a basketball game with my husband. I don’t enjoy basketball, but I would go to the game to please him, and I would be glad that I had pleased him, even though I would be bored by the game itself. </p>
<p>But it seems that the daughter is not likely to react in this way.</p>
<p>I can see why the OP’s D doesn’t want to walk. 23 years old, two years at CC, year abroad, there is no connection to the school. And it’s in December to boot. She probably feels she just checked the box. I agree with an earlier poster about having a more personal family celebration.</p>
<p>One more vote for letting the graduate mark the milestone in whatever way she wants, or not at all. I spent months arguing with my mother over how to celebrate a milestone like this, and years later, all I remember is feeling frustrated about her behavior. The photos from that day are not treasures.</p>
<p>Marian–there’s a huge difference between a freely made decision to do something for someone else, and a demand to “do it for me.” Yes, I have silently decided to do things for people for whom it would mean something, but I’d never demand it for myself, and the “freely” of it would dissipate utterly if it became something I had to do, and I’d resent it. But more centrally, I never make those kinds of requests, asking something to do something I KNOW they don’t want to do, “for me.” It just doesn’t sit right.</p>
<p>I go to restaurants and movies on an almost weekly basis because my wife likes them, even though I’d rather go somewhere else. She does the same. This is what you do for members of your family if you have a good relationship.</p>
<p>This is a one-time event. I think it’s fair to expect that the default position would be to attend your college graduation, and it’s normal to expect that your parent would very much like to see you graduate. You should only deviate from that default if you have a really good reason. “I think it would be boring,” or “I’m not much for ceremonies” or “I don’t like crowds” or “It’s not meaningful to me” aren’t, in my opinion, good reasons. There may be lots of good reasons–such as “I hate this college you forced me to attend.” OP will have to decide if she really wants to smoke out a reason like this if she pushes it too much. If the reluctance is really due to one of the lame reasons, then asking nicely and explaining that it means a lot to her might make the difference.</p>