<p>Again, voluntarily deciding to go is entirely different from a strongly-insisted on request. At this point, it has been made very evident that the D has no desire to go. What kind of enjoyment would a person get from making her go? That’s what I don’t get.</p>
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I’ll take that as a compliment. </p>
<p>garland, through the murk of the Internet, we can’t really gauge how resistant the OP’s daughter is to going, or why she is resistant. My kids sometimes had to be persuaded to do things they didn’t want to do, and often (but not always) they later agreed that it was the right thing to do. I think the OP should try loving persuasion.</p>
<p>I wasn’t really interested in going to my college graduation, and I paid for it myself so I was certainly entitled not to, but I went along with it anyway. I only just found out the other day that my dad cried at the ceremony. I am glad I went, in hindsight. It means more to me now than it did at the time. I felt the same way about HS graduation… I didn’t care at the time, but four years later when I got to go to my sister’s commencement I realized that it was more for the families. </p>
<p>My mom and I keep getting into ****ing matches lately because when she tries to insist I have to do something I don’t want to do, it just makes me even more determined not to do it-- I’ve never been that way before but lately it seems to keep happening. It’s immature and I am old enough to know better, but the impulse is very powerful! Loving persuasion may be the only chance OP has, IMO. And it may or may not work, but I hope it does-- I do think DD should suck it up and go. I don’t think commencement is as much about the graduates as we think it is.</p>
<p>Hunt, I can’t disagree. And we certainly don’t know the particulars if why the D is apparently adamant, if there is a “why”. but at this point, the relationship damage seems more severe than the event decision, and I’d say both need to concentrate on that, not at winning or losing the graduation day decision. </p>
<p>For myself, I am probably over -accommodating because I don’t like the feeling of being on the outs with someone I love. I’d be offering to go if I were the D, and saying don’t worry, it’s not really that important if I were the mom. And then may the best passive aggressor win 
(not really the latter. but I do tend to step back from brinks very, very quickly.)</p>
<p>CoffeeCar, it seems likely, as several people have suggested here, that you’re not going to get much pleasure out of attending your daughter’s graduation if she is participating under pressure and is miserable during the ceremony.</p>
<p>But perhaps there might be a compromise that would allow you to share your pride in your daughter’s graduation with others without making her do something that she clearly does not want to do.</p>
<p>Would your daughter agree to get the cap and gown and be photographed in it, without attending the actual graduation? This way, you (and she, if she wants a copy) would have the photo as recognition of this important milestone, and she would not have to participate in an event that for whatever reason, she seems to dread.</p>
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<p>From what I got from our talk before it became an argument, my D told me that it was because she felt no attachment to the school, no family or friends other than myself would attend, and that the ceremony is just something that she doesn’t want to do. If there’s more to it I don’t know . Regardless I still believe she should suck it up and go anyway…</p>
<p>OP-
How is your relationship with your daughter in general? Is this the only thing the two of you have been arguing over, or is graduation only a marker for a larger battle that is going on between the two of you?</p>
<p>What are her plans for after graduation? What will your relationship look like then? </p>
<p>I find it really worrisome that you feel $$$ gives you “control” over your daughter. What does this say about the state of your relationship, especially once she has a full time job? Where is your relationship the day after she gets her first paycheck?</p>
<p>I do think at this point I will have to consider some sort of compromise.</p>
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<p>She dreads photos just as much as she dreads going to graduation, I have to “fight” to even get her to take photos on vacations. But she might be more willing to take one in lieu of going to graduation.</p>
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<p>We actually have a great relationship and are fairly close, it’s very rare that arguments get this bad or leave her or myself this angry over an issue.</p>
<p>She wants to get a job after college, so she can save up for graduate school in the future.</p>
<p>She’s had jobs before so I never control what she does with her own money, only when it comes to my money I am spending on her.</p>
<p>I agree with Hunt on this. I think the default assumption is that one attends college graduations and other ceremonies, unless there is a good reason not to. Part of being a family is that sometimes you suck up and do things you don’t want to do. I didn’t “want” to sit through boring school plays and even more boring soccer games and tennis matches and what-not, but I did it. I didn’t “want” to sit through boring nursing home visits with elderly relatives, but I did it. It’s part of life.</p>
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<p>I wonder why no one poses this to the young woman? Is it worth alienating her relationship with her mother because god forbid she’s “bored” for a few hours?</p>
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<p>I believe it’s different for the following:</p>
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<li><p>This is not necessarily just about her being “bored”, but more not feeling connected to her undergrad to the point the ceremony is completely empty and meaningless. If the OP constrained her D’s college choices for whatever reason, this only reinforces the D’s case as she may not have been happy to attend the institution and went along because there was little/no other alternatives due to parental pressure. </p></li>
<li><p>This is ultimately her college experience/memories, not her parents’. While graduations are also about the family to some extent, the primary focus is and IMO, should be about the graduates. </p></li>
<li><p>The OP has already given strong indications of an entitled attitude and he/she has given the D the third degree about this issue…including the “You must do it for me because I paid for it.” Sorry, but such tactics are counterproductive, highly domineering, and the D is right to stand her ground here as a consequence. </p></li>
<li><p>As the older party with greater life experience and considering the issue is a relatively minor issue, it is the parent who should be the bigger person in backing off, giving the D more space, and after a reasonable cool-off period for both sides bring up the issue in a way which gives the D an out if she decides not to change her mind. Which IMO is her right considering the degree of pressure the OP placed on D before as indicated in his/her own comments. </p></li>
<li><p>Ultimately, whether you agree/disagree with the D’s position, the question of whether it’s worth it for the parent to insist on the graduation event being primarily about him/herself as it seems to be the case here…even to the point of alienating the D and permanently undermining the parent-D relationship is something the OP does need to carefully consider…especially due to #4.</p></li>
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<p>I expect this is not the first time this young woman is in the position of her mother wanting her to do something she doesnt want to do, but just the latest in a long line of familal expectations & pressures exacerbated by being an only child & her mothers single parenthood.</p>
<p>IF your daughter actually felt lonely, alienated, or unhappy at the school, beyond “not connected”, the ceremony might be at least mildly painful for her. Even more so if other graduates have big whooping crowds around them and she just has you. Has she been living with you while going to this college? Is she sociable or more introverted? (just curious). I feel your disappointment but the occasion might not turn out the way you wish anyway. I’d go for taking the long view (enduring and loving relationship with your daughter) and not give it too much importance.
Just a footnote - I went to big NYC public schools, both high school and college, and actually can’t remember if I went to either graduation. I’m pretty sure that a few years after the fact my (very devoted) parents wouldn’t have remembered either (not claiming to be typical).</p>
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<p>She’s been living at home the entire time. She can be social but she usually opts to stay home for most things, she’d rather stay on the computer and in her room.</p>
<p>Ek, you said what I was trying to get at.</p>
<p>I have a feeling that the graduation is a proxy for something else that is going on.</p>
<p>On both sides.</p>
<p>Or it wouldn’t be so important to both the OP and her daughter in the scheme of things.</p>
<p>The crowd and noise of huge ceremonies are tough for folks who prefer smaller quieter settings. Just an observation. </p>
<p>My kids don’t like large crowds or long ceremonies. Fortunately, their U kept the main ceremony to one hour and then had smaller follow up ceremonies by school. The smaller ones were longer but at least a bit less crowded.</p>
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<p>Isn’t it normal for a mother/parent to expect the child to do something they don’t want to do? With that said, I assume as an average parent that’s just how things go with children regardless of what age they are. Maybe a little bit more so when they are still living under your roof and/or still depending on you at least financially.</p>
<p>I know my child has had some issues with things that I’ve made her do, but it was quickly squashed because she knows that ultimately she doesn’t get to make those decisions, regardless if money is involved or not. That is sometimes the nature of a parent-child relationship. </p>
<p>It’s somewhat unusual for her to have be as adamant, since usually after I decline her request the first time she lets it drop, because she knows my decision is usually 100% final. </p>
<p>With that and seeing some other response on this thread, I believe there must be more to her persistence with not wanting to walk for graduation, regardless of the reasons she’s given.</p>
<p>My brother did not attend his undergrad graduation. He was a transfer student with a “dishonorable discharge” from his first school. My dad pulled some strings to get him into another one. Everything was a battle. My dad griped about not attending the ceremony but we had a nice lunch anyway. I never thought about his reasons for skipping the ceremony until I read this thread about not feeling connected.</p>
<p>I think EK is onto something, as is HImom and seren50. My ex, his brother, and probably my son, have Asberger’s. Crowds, noise, and any kind of personal scrutiny are very difficult and painful for them. They hate posing for photos, hate being the center of attention and especially hate having to “perform” for strangers. They are all solitary people who would happily have lived at home forever, doing solitary things like being on the computer. They sound a lot like the OP’s daughter.</p>
<p>Sometimes telling such a person to just suck it up because mom or dad said so is the fastest way to drive them away. I really feel for this girl, because it sounds like she and her mom have been down this road before and there doesn’t seem to be a lot of room for compromise.</p>
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<p>This was true when your child was a child. </p>
<p>But now she is an adult, and if all goes well, she will soon be a financially independent adult.</p>
<p>That changes the situation considerably. As a financially independent adult, she will have the right and responsibility to make her own decisions. </p>
<p>I have a 27-year-old son and 24-year-old daughter, both of whom live on their own and are financially independent. I no longer make any decisions for them, nor would I expect to. I make suggestions on occasion, but even then I restrain myself. For example, I limit myself to one reminder a year that it would be a good idea to get a flu shot, and I do not ask them later about whether they got one. </p>
<p>My offspring are adults, but they are young enough to be sensitive about being treated like children. I can understand that. I felt the same way when I was a twentysomething.</p>
<p>Also, I like to hear about what’s going on in their lives. And if I bite my tongue when I have the urge to nag or say something negative, they’re more likely to keep telling me things. And, in the long run, if I maintain good relationships with them, I’m more likely to be able to get to know my future grandchildren. My kids are the gatekeepers to those future grandchildren, after all.</p>
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<p>When they are six years old, yes. When they are 23 years old, no. </p>
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<p>Maybe what you think was squashed then is coming out now. She couldn’t rebel on what she wanted to (eg, which college to attend), but she will be darned if she will celebrate the completion of something that wasn’t really her choice. Can’t say that I blame her if you are still taking this attitude about making decisions for her when she is not a child any more. I have a 23 year old, and would not dream of trying to make this type of decision for her, honestly.</p>