<p>I would let this one go. I would let my child know that I really would so like to see him/her go through the ceremony, but if that isn’t important enough to the graduate, then I’d leave it at that. If it’s important enough, go to the ceremony. Even at the small LAC where my son graduated, there really wasn’t that much of him I could see. Most of the several hour ceremeony were speeches and things that barely had glimpses of him. So you can just imagine your kid’s face on the grad near where yours would be walking and leave it at that. Even take a photo of that row if you so please. </p>
<p>Too many other things more important in life to fight over this, IMO.</p>
<p>Coffee- I think “my house my rules” is a fine rule when you’re explaining why your D can’t run the vacuum at midnight or why the person who uses up the milk has to buy another gallon. But if you think you’re going to be able to manipulate your D into doing things she doesn’t want to do just because she’s living under your roof- well, buckle up, it’s going to be a rocky road.</p>
<p>I assume you meant “independent” in that sentence.</p>
<p>But anyway, if I may make a suggestion, as someone who has twice gone through the transition you are facing now… </p>
<p>I think it may be better to err on the side of treating your daughter as an independent adult a little early, rather than risking offending her long term by waiting until the moment when she absolutely, positively, technically fits the description (a moment that is likely to be only a few months away, in any event). In my experience, “my house, my rules” does not work well when dealing with a young person who is legally an adult and on the cusp of complete independence.</p>
<p>Your future relationship with your daughter (a relationship that will only exist if she wants it to) may be at stake here.</p>
<p>I don’t think there’s any doubt that it’s your house, your rules. We’re talking about which rules are wise. I don’t think it’s wise to condition financial support on something like walking in a graduation ceremony. Hopefully your daughter will be financially independent soon, and you don’t want her to leave with the mindset that she’s escaping your iron fist.</p>
<p>Not only that. If you’re still issuing diktats to your D at 23, your relationship with your D is highly dysfunctional at best. </p>
<p>No healthy well-adjusted person…especially an adult likes to be ordered around. Regardless of whether one’s financially independent or not. IMO, it doesn’t speak very well to the character/mentality of the individual who feels entitled to do the ordering around and acts on it. Especially if it extends even to relatively minor symbolic issues which have no effective impact in the longer term. </p>
<p>It is also IMO maladaptive as this type of parenting can easily produce highly passive doormats who can’t effectively stand up for themselves and their rights in the larger world. </p>
<p>At 23, she is way past the stage when needs to have the space to start learning and practicing how to make her own decisions in life without your input or suggestions unless she asks for them.</p>
<p>Thanks for all the input I’m seeing that I really need to reevaluate at the very least how to talk about this with my daughter, and on a greater scale look at the bigger issue this situation gone argument has caused. While possibly contemplating if what’s going on between us is worth the hassle and drama.</p>
<p>Wow… with all this feedback, it still feels like you don’t think you are overbearing in the way you deal with her. I am shaking my head in amazement. Some people just can’t see in the mirror…</p>
<p>Unfortunately in the heat of the argument I already made that promise of no more financial support after college. I see now that was fairly extreme decision to make.</p>
<p>I suggest that you consider apologizing to her for having said that in the heat of the moment. Tell her that you are proud of her, and want to be supportive of her growing independence as an adult. Maybe you could tell her that you’ve been having a hard time realizing that she isn’t a child anymore, and that this growing up stuff is hard for you too.</p>
<p>The graduation ceremony is not the milestone - completing her education and receiving the diploma is the milestone, and that can be celebrated however she would like, being that it is her milestone. Be proud you helped her get there, but don’t use the money to control her. If you paid just to control what she did and how she celebrated, those were the wrong reasons. But I’m sure you really paid because you wanted her to be successful, educated, and happy - and that is what is important, not the ceremony. Ceremonies are usually long, uncomfortable, boring - and no one really remembers them other than a few photos. Do something meaningful to both her and you, with the family and friends. That will be more memorable for all involved.</p>
<p>Coffee you are blessedly and remarkably even keel given the increasing tone of exasperation!</p>
<p>Are you by any chance old-world/immigrant? I have no trouble at all believing this thread if I picture my lovely but domineering italian former mother in law in the face of one of her kids not walking.</p>
<p>CoffeeCar … one phrase that caught my eye was Parent-Child relationship. Your daughter is 23, which is an adult, so to have an adult conversation with her you have to treat her as an adult. Hopefully this will move your relationship to Parent-Adult, and you can get to the bottom of this situation.</p>
<p>My thoughts … as an adult, she is entitled to her opinion. In addition, after hearing your opinion, she should consider it, but then you should support her decision and support her as an adult that made a decision. No threats, no crying, no stomping around.</p>
<p>Did the “my house my rules” quote come from the OP? I didn’t see it. Anyway, to throw in another issue, Coffee, you didn’t say what, if anything, your D has lined up for after graduation. If she doesn’t know what she’s doing next, this milestone might be more frightening than festive for her. This is a tough stage of life for a lot of our kids. Though I hope I’m not jumping to off-base conclusions, your daughter sounds a bit lonely as well. You don’t sound like an inflexible person and you do sound like you want to be a loving consultant and ally in her life. We don’t (and shouldn’t) remain authority figures whose word always trumps the kids’. If you said something you regret (re the financial support), this is a good chance to model taking it back with grace. Good luck!</p>
<p>Coffee, I agree with Consolation that you can calmly revise what you said during a heated argument. If you’ve raised a reasonable adult, she will only respect you more for being willing to reconsider an ultimatum spoken in anger. Heaven knows we all say things we regret.</p>
<p>Can you propose a special lunch or something for the two of you to celebrate her graduation? Does she have a problem with the idea of celebrating her graduation (special lunch, cake, girls’ day out, whatever, where you tell her you’re proud of her) or is it just the actual ceremony that is the kicker?</p>
<p>I do disagree that we should just suck up and take “whatever” from our kids. For example, let’s say it was Thanksgiving and we were all going to grandma’s. If my kid had a reasonable other excuse – had decided to go to Thanksgiving at a significant other’s house – then fine. But “I want to sit in my room and play video games and not go to grandma’s for Thanksgiving” isn’t a viable excuse. I think some of you are being a little high and mighty with the “no expectations, ever.”</p>
<p>Seren50 I believe in an earlier post I stated she was going to get a job after college to save up to pay for graduate school sometime in the future.</p>
<p>Overall she has what she wants to do after college lined up so she seems fine with that.</p>
<p>She has her small group of friends so I don’t believe she is that lonely, though with the majority of them at different schools and states, and her main communication with them is through the internet she might be a little lonely.</p>
<p>Pizzagirl we haven’t gotten to a point to discuss that. The arugment only covered attending graduation or not, and since last Thursday it’s been a long no interaction and silence from the both of us.</p>