<p>Have you made any attempt to reach a compromise?</p>
<p>I havenāt read all the posts, but I have been in OPās shoes. One of my kids refused to walk for grad school, but did walk for undergrad. I was very unhappy about that kidās decision not to walk for the graduate diploma. Obviously, kid didnāt feel the same way, despite my efforts at whining, power-plays and creative guilt trips. </p>
<p>My kid was adamant. My kid chose not to put himself through something that would be very uncomfortable, weighing my desires vs. his own feelings. He mentioned some of the same points, such as not feeling connected to his school and feeling that his degree didnāt warrant a celebration. I decided that my kid had not disappointed me very often in life, so I couldnāt complain about this disappointment. </p>
<p>We had a special family brunch. In my heart, it wasnāt the same but over a lifetime itās just one day. From my kid and my kidsā friends who also didnāt think graduation was important, this appears to be a trend. </p>
<p>Today, walking at graduation. Tomorrow, something elseā¦theyāre training us that we are not the boss of them anymore. After the respectful dialogue and attempts at parental manipulation/bribery fail, they get to make their own decision. </p>
<p>Hugs to OP. Itās only one day, and the disappointment does fade.</p>
<p>My nephews and nieces had big engagement and wedding celebrations. But I am afraid that my kids will not.</p>
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<p>Thereās a gulf of difference between going to Thanksgivings at grandmaās or some other older relative and being forced to attend a graduation ceremony which has no meaning and may bring up negative feelings for the graduate concerned. </p>
<p>The graduation ceremony is a minor symbolic issue which has far less impact in the greater long-term relationship of a parent child than not attending Thanksgiving dinners because āGAMEZ!ā. I donāt know about youā¦but this is one battle that IMOā¦thatās not worth fighting and poisoning the parent-adult child relationship more than what has already transpired. </p>
<p>Apples and walnuts, PG.</p>
<p>And I say that as someone who enjoys graduation ceremoniesā¦especially my own and friendsāā¦but the day really belongs to the graduates and thus, itās ultimately up to the graduate.</p>
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<p>Once your grown child is not living with you, you arenāt going to know whether he/she has a āviable excuseā for missing a family event or simply chooses not to accept an invitation. And thereās nothing you can do about it in any case, except to express your disappointment, unless youāre willing to play the āyou had better show up or Iāll never speak to you againā card.</p>
<p>And you need to remember that your child can play that card, too.</p>
<p>In my extended family, there was a father who had the habit of criticizing his sonās decisions. The son, a very independent man, did not like this and had made his feelings clear to his father on many occasions. One day, when the father was in his sixties and the son was in his thirties, the father strongly criticized a financial decision the son had made. This was the proverbial straw that broke the camelās back. The son cut off all contact with his father. The father died fifteen years later, never having seen or spoken to his son again.</p>
<p>I think that most of us would not want to lose all contact with a grown child except under extraordinary circumstances. But we need to remember that it can happen in ordinary circumstances, too, especially if small problems accumulate in a relationship. This father certainly would not have wanted to end his relationship with his son because he didnāt approve of his sonās choice of investments. But thatās what happened. </p>
<p>Regardless of whether weāre talking about apples or walnuts, I donāt think any of us wants to cut down the tree.</p>
<p>*I think that most of us would not want to lose all contact with a grown child except under extraordinary circumstances. *</p>
<p>This. ^^^^
Some of you may remember that my older daughter and I are estranged.
I really donāt even know why, except that it is too upsetting and stressful for her to talk about it.
She graduated from high school in 2000, so it has been some time since she has been under our roof.</p>
<p>Digging in your heels about this, may well contribute to an estrangement in your future, all the power does not reside with the parent in an adult: adult relationship.</p>
<p>Havenāt read the whole thread, so apologies if this had been addressed. This topic has come up several times before. It brings opinions on both sides, at times influenced by whether the school is a small one, and her absence might be noticed (or if there is a smaller departmental graduation) vs a huge school where the grads are in a large mass, and do walk , albeit probably more quickly, across the stage to shake the hand of the president and get their diploma.</p>
<p>If there is a smaller departmental ceremony, would she be willing to go to that?</p>
<p>If she truly feels detached from the school and might be hurt by seeing others with large cheering crowds at the event, then choose your battles.</p>
<p>My Ds attended graduation ceremonies, not because they had a burning desire to, but out of respect for H and I as they knew how much it meant to us. At some point you have to let it go. I would be very disappointed but not much I could do about it. I donāt believe you are being overbearing at all. So sorry things are difficult at this stage.</p>
<p>I knew that my undergraduate graduation would be meaningless and boring, but I did it for my family because doing so wouldnāt cause me actual distress and I knew it was important to them. However, attending my Ph.D. graduation would have inflicted distress. If my parents had forced me to go to that ceremony, I honestly donāt know what I would have done. Honestly, OP, your daughterās responses to you sound a lot like the ones I gave my parentsāI didnāt want to tell them about the specific pain involved because they wouldnāt understand and because I was hiding depression (my parentsā reward for calling depression an āexcuseā one Christmas just as I was about to confess my issues to them is that I will never consider telling them about a significant emotional challenge or issue in my life so long as I live). Please, please listen to her. Please.</p>
<p>Another rare moment of agreement with Hunt. Itās one day out of her life. The right thing is to suck it up and do it. Itās not like she is being asked to do 1/100th of what her parents had to do for her to help get her to this point. Selfish brattish. Iām as selfish raised by wolves as they come but would not deny my parents this reasonable request.</p>
<p>I donāt want to read ^^^ posts so Iāll just reply to the OP.</p>
<p>Donāt think of your daughter as weird or anything. I donāt want to do to graduation either. It has to with interests. I donāt see a point in buying or renting a cap and gown and wasting hours of my time. Also, graduating high school means nothing, she has college in front of her, think of it as a stepping stone, not a major event.</p>
<p>Aznskydragon - since you donāt think it is relevant to read prior posts, Ill mention that this is referencing a college graduation.</p>
<p>OK Barrons, letās agree with you.</p>
<p>And now letās hear what the D has to say (obviously Iām making this up).</p>
<p>āIām stuck at this stupid school with kids I have nothing in common with and a bunch of professors who have taken no interest in me whatsoever. I had a blessed break when I went overseasā¦ and now Iām thrilled to almost have this awful institution behind meā¦ this fabulous college where the kids major in beer pong and the faculty watches the clock to see what time they can leave (most are adjuncts anyway and care less about the place than the students do). I have a plan lined up after graduationā¦ all my friends left town after HS except for me so I canāt wait to graduate and start saving money for grad school so I can also escape-- they were all so lucky to get out and start their grownup lives at 18. Hopefully Iām going to a place that is a much better fit for me. My mom is all weepy at the thought of missing graduation. I think Iāve been a good sport about living at home, attending this ridiculous school, hasnāt she noticed I have no social life and spend my non-class hours in my room? There are no activities at this college on the weekend- the ultimate suitcase school. So I need to prolong my agony by another few hours by listening to boring speeches and pretend to recognize all these kids who never once asked me to have a cup of coffee or grab lunch? And my mom wants to take a day off from work so we can pretend this experience hasnāt been the disappointment that we both know it to be?ā</p>
<p>Give the kid a break. Any 23 year old living with āMy house my rulesā gets a pass in my book on marching in her graduation if she doesnāt want to, just to help the mom pretend that college was a fantastic intellectual and social experience and that the D is going to miss all the true and lifelong friends she met there.</p>
<p>Tough. Suck it up. There will be many more things she will have to go to please a boss or a spouse or a kid. Thatās life and being adult. You do the responsible thing or end up holding a cardboard sign by the onramp. Iām pretty sure they did just as they wanted with their lives.</p>
<p>Responsible? </p>
<p>Step away from the ledge people. The D isnāt forgoing her vaccination to put people with a compromised immune system at risk. Sheās not cheating on her taxes, sheās not illegally downloading movies using a neighbors Pay Per View subscription. Sheās not asking a colleague to log in for her at work so she can sleep late on Fridayās after her big Thursday night partying.</p>
<p>Sheās made an adult decision (she is 23 years old after all) that she doesnāt want to attend her own graduation. Period. This is going to have her holding a cardboard sign by the on-ramp?</p>
<p>blossom I want to say a few things since I am normally somewhat informed with what my daughter does. I know you gave a hypothetical situation, but I thought Iād add some things.</p>
<p>At this college things are fine, as far as sheās told me she enjoys the teachers and a few of her peers and thatās its not party hard all the time or anything like thatā¦ At best from her statements thereās something that just didnāt mesh overall despite it being just fine for her.</p>
<p>Her overseas/study abroad was supposed to be her final college after finishing some credits at CC, but she returned home because the college wasnāt what she expected and didnāt give her what she was looking for, for her degree.</p>
<p>HS we are a military family so itās a little complicated because she also went to HS overseas so after graduation everyone split up every which way. Weāve only lived in our current location for the last 5 years, she started CC here.</p>
<p>Also, she likes to be in her room, even when she had more of a social life in HS that is where she prefers to be. I let her do her thing with that. And to be clear I still get various e-mails from her school, I think a mix up as they probably should go to her, that have lots of activities that seem to be in her interest but she just chooses not to go. </p>
<p>Also she has no job, her job is school</p>
<p>Overall it seems even with her reasons, she doesnāt have any good reason to not go and at the very least do this and not be selfish in her choice.</p>
<p>No, she made a stupid selfish decision. Nothing really adult about that. Adults are often stupid and selfish BTW.</p>
<p>You should quietly pay for -whatever graduation costs there are- you mentioned cap & gown. Do not mention this is her. Do not discuss again -at all- until about 2 days before the ceremony, then state once more how important it is to you. No big drama, just ask one time. Do not be disappointed if she says ānoā.</p>
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<p>Ha ha!</p>
<p>A large part of that could have been my HS classmatesā lines to their parents had they passively obeyed and stayed at our local public colleges when they were at their academic nadir. Instead of staying on till graduation, however, they decided to formulate and execute plans to transfer up to colleges which were much better academic and social fits for themā¦including finding scholarships/jobs which would enable them to defray educational expenses.</p>
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<p>If you want to same some bucks, check to see if older graduates are willing to sell used cap & gowns of the right size at a discount or even give them away. </p>
<p>Sometimes, I do see givaways on CL and local college online bulletin boards/listservs for cap & gowns for some local colleges.</p>
<p>snugapug- I would if I could but at her college the students are required to purchase and pick up these things in a timely manor. Purchase and pickup require the student to use their student IDās or student #'s for some sort of verification</p>
<p>cobrat- The school also restricts those things for some reason. Even if itās older cap and gown the school requires students to have those things approved beforehand. Iām not sure why but these are their rules.</p>
<p>A lot of the graduation information is based on the student purchasing a cap and gown, how they determine possible attendance and who to give the guest tickets to. I could always check with that, but ultimately I still wouldnāt be able to sign her up for graduation without her student ID/#</p>