<p>So if there was a retired 73-year-old living in your household, and you wanted this person to attend an event because that person’s presence at the event was important to you, you would feel free to pressure the person to do so on the grounds that you earn the money and therefore you make the decisions?</p>
<p>I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing that.</p>
<p>I would feel comfortable having the final say in financial decisions. For example, if the 73-year-old wanted to get HBO and we couldn’t afford it, I would say so. And because I earn the money, my decision would be final.</p>
<p>But attending an event is not a financial decision. And I wouldn’t consider the 73-year-old’s desire to stay home to be a “request” that I could say yes or no to. It’s an adult decision, made by an adult, and I wouldn’t think I had the right to do anything about it.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t pressure the 73 year old to go to the event, I thought the question was only with house rules.</p>
<p>Graduation and the 73 year old thats on them, but my 23 year old daughter I’m sorry but that’s apples and oranges regardless if the 73 year old person is related to me or not.</p>
<p>So does that mean I as her mother would expect her to attend for me yes. it’s already been resolved and it wont happen, and I’m ok with that I got over my initial unhappiness about her decision.</p>
<p>If you feel that the two situations are apples and oranges – which is how I feel, too – then it tells us something. It tells us that your initial reaction to your daughter’s desire not to attend the graduation was based on something other than the fact that you earn the household’s money.</p>
<p>Maybe that’s important.</p>
<p>As I mentioned before, I have two kids in their twenties. They don’t live with me. But it’s possible that one of them might live with me at some point in the future – say, if they had a prolonged period of unemployment or couldn’t work because of a medical problem. </p>
<p>If that sort of thing happened, I would have to be sure to treat my grown child the same way I would treat the hypothetical 73-year-old – that is, as a true adult who does not earn the household income. But it would be hard. Really hard. Because the last time that either of my kids lived with me, they were much younger, and I was accustomed to treating them as children. Old habits are hard to break.</p>
<p>Roshke and marian make good points. Marian- did you see the thread about the grandmother who is making disparaging (anti semetic sounding) comments about a future family member. While in that scenario there is not an issue of who is paying the bills, the comparison is that behaviors that are insensitive or unreasonable (reportedly not due to dementia, but more reflective of the person’s biases) are being addressed/not tolerated by the other family members. Bottom line, as adults, we should all think about how the decisions /choices we make impact those whom we care about. Their thoughts and feelings should matter to some degree, or should clearly be considered in the decision-making.</p>
<p>My kids don’t get a vote on whether we buy a new car or not, and neither would a live-in grandma who wouldn’t be contributing to the cost of the car. I might listen to what they say in terms of what to get, but their input into that decision will be limited. I think that may be the kind of thing OP is talking about. I think the graduation issue is a bit of a gray area, because it is the culmination of an education which, apparently, OP paid for. Sure, the education is for the child’s benefit, but it does seem odd to resist the ceremony unless there’s a pretty good reason. Since OP and her daughter have compromised, it appears that OP has decided her daughter’s reasons were good enough not to push the issue any further.</p>
<p>Marian I said in before, but maybe it was not clear.
It was not a financial issue with graduation it was for sentimental reasons for me, and so it broke my heart for her to not want togo.</p>
<p>younghoss wrote: This I agree with, from post 226: "But really folks, an “adult” child who is still being supported by the parent(s) is still the “kid”. "</p>
<p>If you are treating a 23 year as a “kid” because you are helping them with finances, then you are doing a lot more long term damage to them than you are helping them with your money.</p>
<p>I don’t treat her like a child, I try to treat her as much as I can like an adult. She does for the most part, what she wants, within reason, but she’s not a rambunctious or adventurous either. </p>
<p>Graduation was just one of those little things I expected from her.</p>
<p>I truly feel sorry for you. You have a fantasy of the graduation ceremony that makes you feel proud. Without it, you may feel like she never really graduated.</p>
<p>Could you get a professional photo of her in cap and gown without the ceremony?</p>
<p>I noticed you said she wants to go to grad school. Could part of her reasoning be that she feels her education is not over, so a ceremony would be premature or even a jinx?</p>
<p>I didn’t go to my phd ceremony. Truly didn’t care.</p>
<p>But what i really wanted to say is what if she feels the same way about getting married? My parents had to deal with finding out about two of their children’s marriages by phone call. It’s tough to not want our children to fulfill our fantasies, but try to see the bigger picture and be happy for the reality.</p>
<p>Maybe a better comparison would be the 73 year old family member whom you are supporting, at great sacrifice to yourself, and allowing to live in your home. If you ask that person a favor around a one time event, something reasonable that meant a great deal to you, how would you feel if they turned you down for no good reason? </p>
<p>Yes, they are an adult, and no one can require an adult to do anything. But relationships are a two way street.</p>
<p>a bit off topic, but I think someone else mentioned they didn’t go to their PhD graduation.
I am curious why. I would have thought that that was a huge accomplishment and a great thing to celebrate.</p>
<p>You analogy is that there “no good reason” to turn down the request.
Seems the 23 year old really did not want to go, felt disconnected from the place (which could be reasonable if she entered as a junior). We don’t know if she had bad experiences, but it appears she wasn’t just indifferent to going, she had her reasons.</p>
<p>collegedad2013, But that’s just it - feeling “disconnected” doesn’t suggest a strong aversion or traumatic history. To me, it wouldn’t necessarily outweigh the feelings of a parent who felt strongly about witnessing the moment, who struggled and sacrificed for years to make the day happen and who had lived for and dreamed of that moment. </p>
<p>I’m not saying that I would be that parent if the child only attended the school for a year or two, but OP obviously felt differently. It’s a moot point anyway, since OP and her D have come to a resolution.</p>
<p>My son skipped both his college graduation as well as his law school graduation because ceremonies don’t mean much to him, particularly those laced with a load of pomp. I tend to agree with him. They are generally boring, with speakers who are full of themselves and drone on, and take up too much time. Instead, we had wonderful celebrations privately with family and close friends. Didn’t lessen an iota the pride we felt for his accomplishments.</p>
<p>About 20 years ago, my brother-in-law did not want to attend his graduation (B.S.) from Stanford. His family lived a short drive from campus. His parents attended without him. I am sure they would have preferred that he be there in cap in gown, but they did not try to convince him. They simply went without him. Upon their return, they said the ceremony was very nice and they enjoyed the speakers. They have a fine relationship and choose to see each other often, despite now living in different states.</p>
<p>Could you go anyway, even if your daughter isn’t there? Of course it isn’t the same or ideal.</p>
<p>What if you calmly told her you have thought about it and understand her not wanting to be there, but that you would like to see the ceremony anyway, even if she is not present.</p>
<p>Maybe she will decide to go for you, maybe not.</p>
<p>@roshke. We don’t know why she felt disconnected. Maybe there was something traumatic or something that resulted in a strong aversion that she just didn’t want to talk about. People can feel very disconnected because they were bullied or felt outcast because they were overweight or gay or because they attended a CC for the first two years…or…or…</p>
<p>I guess people have different views since it depends on whether one thinks this is an event for the graduate or the family.</p>
<p>If a family member lived for the moment of someone else graduating, then I am not surprised that they would be disappointed. Hopefully they won’t live for other moments in their offspring lives (having the right friends, marrying the “right” guy, having the “right” type of wedding, inviting the “right” people to the wedding, have the right number of kids, raising the kids the way they want them raised, having the kids get into the rightpreschool, college, career, etc…) since that will just be either a constant source of tension or the loss of freedom for the offspring.</p>