<p>cobrat,
Posters havent brought that one post up 8 times. Please either ask for clarification from the OP as to what she meant by that or move on. No need to justify the continued focus on the perceived response to the autonomy/individuation developmental stage.</p>
<p>Operadad wrote: âI can only imagine the fights when it comes time to having a wedding. At that point, the bride does have more of a say. It is her special day.â</p>
<p>How is graduating from college not a special day?</p>
<p>I canât really see another interpretation of the âsquashedâ post. I guess those of us who have âmy way or the highwayâ parents may be more sensitive to it than others, and feel at least some sympathy for the D. And those who ARE âmy way or the highwayâ parents see nothing wrong with it.</p>
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<p>Indeed! Quoted for truth.</p>
<p>Iâve also noticed the âmy way or the highwayâ type folks tend to make SOs and themselves miserable in relationships in the long term and wonder why their adult children have as little to do with them as possible or worse, completely cut them off.</p>
<p>And hopefully the OP will clarify what she meant. Sounded to me like she might have been referencing times when she chose to minimize a tug of war with her dau. There are times when a parent tells a child they canât have candy before dinner, or canât take the car out past a selected curfew, or <<<<fill in="" the="" blank="">>>>. Good parenting involves some limit setting. Everything is not a negotiation. Surely most of us have as some point or other responded to our childâs questioning/disagreeing with: âbecause I said soâ. The assumption that this parent is some control freak and that they have a dysfunctional relationship is just way over the top, IMO.</fill></p>
<p>JYM- you really say, âbecause I said soâ to a 23 year old? Over something that does not involve life, safety of others, illegal behavior?</p>
<p>I get telling an adult child living in your home, âNo you canât make crystal meth in my garage. Because I said soâ. I also endorse telling an adult child, âYou cannot keep your handgun in my living room, even with a safety lock, and even unloaded.â And I would of course, intervene, if I saw signs of mental illness or another incapacitating factor which prevented my kid (of whatever age) from making appropriate medical decisions.</p>
<p>But youâre going to invoke âBecause I said soâ over something ceremonial where⊠drum roll please- the Kid is the Main Event and not the parent??? This is not insisting (or trying to persuade) kid from attending Grandmaâs funeral (where Grandma is the lead actor.) This is not trying to persuade Kid to show up at Uncle Chrisâ swearing in ceremony as Governor of New Jersey.</p>
<p>This is the kidâs OWN GRADUATION. What about this is setting off so many âbecause I said soâ impulses from an otherwise rational group of people???</p>
<p>Cobrat- we so rarely agree, but Iâm with you on this one!!!</p>
<p>Is Chris really your uncle? :)</p>
<p>No blossom, I was referring to speaking to them during their younger/adolescent hormonal times, not speaking to an adult. Sorry if that was unclear to you. I said it in reference to setting limits with kids growing up, not in resolving a decision between 2 adults.</p>
<p>This I agree with, from post 226: "But really folks, an âadultâ child who is still being supported by the parent(s) is still the âkidâ. " But to add on- feeling that way means a parent can order that young person around, no. That would be drawing a conclusion not stated by the poster. It is quite possible to agree with the first, quoted part, without adding that feeling so permits authoritarian behavior over a 19, 20, or 21 yr old.</p>
<p>JYM, yes, teenagers.</p>
<p>But even if you have an adolescent hormonal 23 year old, assuming some modicum of responsible behavior (and the OPâs D seems like a solid citizen here) invoking My Way or The Highway seems heavy handed if the D isnât putting life or limb at risk.</p>
<p>While we do not have much information about the daughter or the nature of their relationship, perhaps if the mother had shared with her dau how important and meaningful this event was to her, and to have a discussion with her daughter as to the reasons for her initial desire to skip the ceremony, they could have addressed it differently. We used to sometimes rate on a 1-10 how important something was to one of us in the family, so that the others could see everyoneâs perspective. If seeing her dau walk is a 9 and the daus desire to skip it is an 8, then maybe, then maybe the dau might have looked differently. In reverse, if the moms rating it a 9 but the daus angst about attending a large, long event with people she feels disconnected from and potentially upset by seeing larger families celebrating and rated it a 9.5, then perhaps the mother would have a different perspective on it. </p>
<p>Or maybe the mom is a control freak, or maybe the dau is a spoiled brat. All have been suggested here.</p>
<p>And a 23 yr old may be hormonal, but should have better reasoning and problem solving skills than, and is not, an adolescent.</p>
<p>Read the OPâs post #232. The mom and daughter have ALREADY KISSED AND MADE UP, so why does the speculation, projection, conclusion-jumping and squabbling among the commenters continue merrily?</p>
<p>Seren- we are taking a break from our regularly scheduled âpointless arguments with no endâ as to whether fraternities represent all that is bad in America, why Johnny canât do calculus and will it impact his ability to get into CalTech as an astro major, and how come Harvard and Hofstra cost the same and what can we do about it.</p>
<p>Yup, blossom. And this one is a tad less noxious than the one about single parenting, welfare and the prison system.</p>
<p>That said- its only October. Not sure if the dau is graduating in Dec or in the spring, but anyone else think thereâs a chance this subject, or issues related to graduation, the photograph, etc might come up again in conversation?</p>
<p>^^^ Ah, that explains itâŠ</p>
<p>OP here</p>
<p>And since I keep seeing guesses on the nature of my relationship and vice versa, Iâll say that itâs usually good. When I used squash or any reference of âmy way or the highwayâ, in most situations between us she really canât weigh in not because I am the mother and she is the child, but as two adults in a household where one works and pays the bills, mortgage, an etc. For some things Iâd like to be able to consider her options but times are tight and even tighter now, so seeing her as a non contributing adult itâs just how the dynamic at home is.</p>
<p>Daughter does not think of me too negatively, as Iâve said in post before we are fairly close and she understands the rules of the household as a child and as a non contributing adult in my household. That does not mean I never consider things she says or what have you, it all depends on the situation.</p>
<p>Graduation was just one of those situations that admittedly got out of hand because of the different feelings both my daughter and I felt about the ceremony, especially on level of importance to the each of us.</p>
<p>I feel badly for the OP since this was clearly something that meant a lot to her. Iâve been to many graduation ceremonies and they are not like social events where itâs awkward if you donât know anyone. You line up, usually alphabetically or by major, put on the gown, sit down,and listen to some speeches, hear your name read, walk up, shake hands and get your diploma. Then you find your family and go out to celebrate. Not a big deal to some, but symbolic and meaningful to others.</p>
<p>I think it was reasonable for the OP to tell the D how much this meant to her. And unless there are other dynamics going on, which it doesnât sound like there were,more than a bit selfish of the D not to consider doing this for her single mom who made it all possible. </p>
<p>You canât force the young lady, but to me another compromise could have been at least get the tickets and continue to think about it since itâs still a couple of months from now.</p>
<p>I think we can all learn by thinking about the rights and responsibilities of adults in a household who donât contribute to the householdâs income and how they may be the same or different from the rights and responsibilities of a child.</p>
<p>Just as a thought exercise, CoffeeCar, you might find it interesting to consider how you would act if you had a different noncontributing adult in the household â say, a retired family member who is 73 years old, rather than a daughter who is 23.</p>
<p>How would you act toward the 73-year-old? Would it be the same as the way you act toward your daughter? If it would, then your actions do seem to be based on the fact that you earn the money and the other person does not.</p>
<p>But if you would act differently toward the 73-year-old than you act toward your daughter, then maybe the way you treat your daughter is really based on the fact that she was a child until recently, and you are in the habit of treating her as a child. But she is not a child anymore.</p>
<p>Age does not matter, if it was a 73 year old able bodied adult then itâd be no different. For me in my house if you are not contributing financially, then there are some decisions you cannot make. That does not mean I wonât take what they would like into consideration and depending on if itâs possible their request might still occur.</p>
<p>And what is wrong with that, for some things money will have to be considered. I am only one person, I canât fund the world. Are some of my decisions based on money, yes, is everything boiled down to money no.
I canât bend over backward for everything and itâs not like all I think about is money, money, money either. </p>
<p>Money is not the only part of the equation, so I wish you would stop trying to make me seem like some kind of stingy, money miser.</p>
<p>Another way to think about it is if there was a marriage and one partner didnât earn an income. Would that give the bacon bringer the right to determine all decisions?</p>
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<p>This is exactly how my dad got me to attend my college graduation without a peep of protest from me. I didnât really care much about going, but he explained how important it was to my mom and him, so it actually made me happy to attend.</p>