<p>Okay, this has been bugging me this whole thread… do some colleges require you to PURCHASE your cap and gown? My graduation and my one kid who graduated so far have had cap and gowns provided, and then we gave them back. I think maybe a small fee was paid, but it wasn’t huge. But people keep talking about buying them used… this is confusing to me, but maybe that is the case at some schools.</p>
<p>The reason for requiring ordering cap and gown to get tickets may be to ensure that all grads will be in gowns??? But, maybe if you can show that you have one already, you can still get the tickets?</p>
<p>As for renting vs buying…I don’t know which schools do which. My kids’ school has you buy them, but you can use a borrowed one if you can.</p>
<p>This was indeed just a pure case of “I don’t wanna.”</p>
<p>I’m not sure that we can conclude that. This doesn’t sound like a bratty “me me me” person. This sounds more like a young woman (age 23) who attended a commuter school (not by choice) for Jr and Sr years and feels no connection to the school. </p>
<p>Did I read that only mom would be attending? No friends, no relatives, no dad? While only having mom there can certainly be enough, maybe that fact also bothers the D? Maybe walking and only having one guest (mom) attend bothers her as well. Where is her dad? Why isn’t he attending? Has he been purposely excluded or is he out of the D’s life? </p>
<p>We’re only hearing from the mom. The D’s views really haven’t been heard.</p>
<p>I just don’t think we can conclude that the D is just selfishly saying, “I don’t wanna”.</p>
<p>@mom2collegekids wrote: </p>
<p>This was indeed just a pure case of “I don’t wanna.”</p>
<p>I’m not sure that we can conclude that. This doesn’t sound like a bratty “me me me” person. This sounds more like a young woman (age 23) who attended a commuter school (not by choice) for Jr and Sr years and feels no connection to the school. </p>
<p>(P.S. I don’t know how to do that cool quoting thing)</p>
<p>I completely agree. Re-reading some of the comments earlier:
“I tried using monetary persuasion, but rather than give her more, I’d take it away. I’m hoping that an absence of money might help, since she doesn’t have a job so she does depend on me for this.”</p>
<p>"I wanted her to finish college debt free… so I had to limit her choices and she seemed to be just fine and not complain about it. "</p>
<p>"usually after I decline her request the first time she lets it drop, because she knows my decision is usually 100% final. "</p>
<p>I don’t get the sense that the daughter was being bratty and just “I don’t wanna”.</p>
<p>^^^</p>
<p>Just to clarify…</p>
<p>Pizzagirl wrote: </p>
<p>This was indeed just a pure case of “I don’t wanna.”</p>
<p>I wrote the response.</p>
<p>"usually after I decline her request the first time she lets it drop, because she knows my decision is usually 100% final. "</p>
<p>Wow…I missed the above. Why have that attitude with an adult child? With a young child, yes, but once a child is older “listening and considering his side” is important and should sway a parent once she realizes that her “decision” may not be the best one. If this mom has been a single mom for most/all of this child’s life, then maybe the issue is that she’s used to “calling all the shots” while a married person is more used to coming up with a shared decision.</p>
<p>@mom - sorry. I quoted badly. I know someone else had that “don’t wanna” line.</p>
<p>Wait a minute…this started out as a “my kid doesn’t want to walk at graduation” discussion and has been SETTLED by the parties involved. Kid isn’t walking, mom relented, pictures taken instead. Good compromise. Yea!</p>
<p>But really folks, an “adult” child who is still being supported by the parent(s) is still the “kid”. Age is not always the trump card. And people who think it’s a shame that a single mom would want their kid to graduate with no debt need to go read the other thousand threads on this site.</p>
<p>@Pizzagirl</p>
<p>Look, I understand that there is no evidence of that, but again, we are looking at this with only the information given by a parent who (though I hate to harp on this point) referred to squashing her daughter’s objections. I really dislike your addition of the “Uncle Fred molesting” scenario, because although it is one of the very small possibilities that I’m including, it would likely be seen as an insertion of hyperbole now. You all seem to have this notion that this daughter would confide everything in her parents. You do not know that.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>While the parent can pull the “I financially support you card” to continue to order or otherwise issue diktats to the adult child, unless there’s evidence of the D being financially irresponsible or not taking initiatives to be more independent, playing this card is a good way to burn bridges with one’s adult child. </p>
<p>Not a good way to move the parent-kid relationship into the parent-adult child relationship where the two should relate closer as equals rather than parent who must be obeyed in all matters large and small and kid who must obey or else. </p>
<p>And I say this as someone who hasn’t been financially supported by his parents since 17 and after college have been in a position to loan money to family and friends. And yet, I still feel playing the “I financially support you card” outside of circumstances of financial irresponsibility or child/individual refusing to be more independent speaks very poorly of the one playing it. </p>
<p>It is especially ironic considering even the OP admitted the D already has taken initiatives to be financially responsible…including initiating getting job searches/leads.</p>
<p>Well this thread sure jumped the shark. </p>
<p>Looks like a lot of projection of one’s own dysfunctional family relations and emotional baggage onto this poor mom and her daughter. Mom came here with a reasonable question and came up with a very reasonable solution. Its way over the top to ascribe all sorts of conjecture about dysfunctional relations, domineering parents, strained interpersonal relations or what have you. Really, please stop with hyperbole.</p>
<p>Quote:
But really folks, an “adult” child who is still being supported by the parent(s) is still the “kid”. Age is not always the trump card. </p>
<p>No. An adult who is being supported by someone else is an adult, not a “kid”.</p>
<p>If you were supporting your 23 year brother who needed help would you claim that your brother is just a “kid”?</p>
<p>With all due respect to your daughter, she is acting like a spoiled brat for denying her parent AND the one who paid for her education an opportunity to at least have a picture at the graduation ceremony. The very least she can do is stay long enough to get her picture taken with you and/or with family. College is place to learn marketable skills and her not “feeling connected” to her peers is irrelevant to the situation. Remind her that she cannot pretend to be independent because she is 18+. You made an investment into her future and she should be forever grateful for that. Do not dismiss this or back down from getting her to go. You deserve to see your daughter in in cap&gown and at least get one picture. She only has to stay as long as the ceremony lasts then she can leave. I hope all goes well.</p>
<p>The continuining input is very interesting to say the least.
For anyone concerned, my daughter and I usually have a great relationship and while I am friendly she still understand that I am her mother first and foremost.</p>
<p>The issue has been resolved, and both I and my daughter realized we were not understanding each other on this particular situation. Attending this event was going to have a lot of sentimental value for me, and it was very difficult to not have my daughter see it the same way I do.</p>
<p>That said, a compromise was made that both of us could agree on and things are back to their usual pace.</p>
<p>I didn’t want to go to my undergraduate graduation, but I knew how proud my parents were and how they were so excited to see me graduate. They had helped me reach that point. I got a headache it was so hot and crowded, but to see their smiles was worth it. And they didn’t even pay for school, couldn’t afford it, but supported me in every other way possible.</p>
<p>I didn’t read through all the posts, but my initial take is this:</p>
<p>The kid is a spoiled brat, and the mom is kidding herself.</p>
<p>Whether the student is an adult or not is not the issue. The student is part of a family, and you do things because it makes the other people happy. 3 hours out of your life. What’s the hardship? Sometimes visiting Grandma every week is a hardship on the kids (bored out of their minds). But, it is the right thing to do.</p>
<p>The mom is kidding herself. Admit that mom wants to see her child walk. Period. End of story. It is not an unreasonable request.</p>
<p>One of my college kids doesn’t want to walk. If it were a big issue with us, I would tell him he is walking. Out of respect for the parents, he would walk.</p>
<p>I can only imagine the fights when it comes time to having a wedding. At that point, the bride does have more of a say. It is her special day. Daughter needs to learn to give an take now on the things that do not mean much, so they will be able to figure out the big things.</p>
<p>Ok, maybe D is not a spoiled brat. Maybe College was a horrible experience for her. In that case, Mom should exercise some compassion.</p>
<p>BTW: I didn’t care about walking for my college graduation, but my college made it cheaper to walk than to have the diploma mailed. So, I walked.</p>
<p>Oy.</p>
<p>OperaDad, you just opened a whole new can of worms.</p>
<p>If the OP mom is paying for this daughter’s wedding? And what the daughter wants doesn’t
resemble what the mother wants?</p>
<p>It will be an interesting dynamic.</p>
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</p>
<p>Indeed. And I’m surprised how so many parents who accuse D of being a spoiled brat either failed to read OP’s posts…especially #76 which admitted “squashing” D’s previous dissents or even questioning because She’s the parent and thus, her word is law. </p>
<p>That post in particular gives a reasonable person the impression the D basically was expected to knuckle under and never had her feelings/ideas meaningfully considered as OP’s inclination was to “squash” them. </p>
<p>If the OP’s relationship to D was more of a growing mutually respectful give and take as the D advanced through adolescent years into adulthood, I’d be more inclined to agree with the “she should go”. </p>
<p>However, considering the context of their relationship…and keep in mind we’re only getting the OP’s words/side here, one can reasonably surmise that this conflict was the last straw for the D and was probably the first time she finally stood up to OP to assert her opinions/feelings on the matter after a long history of having them “squashed” per OP’s own words. </p>
<p>My only shock at this was how it took the D until she was 23 to finally dig in her heels and say “no more” before proposing a compromise that wasn’t 100% what OP wanted. </p>
<p>Most IME tend to push back and dig in their heels earlier…such as 16-18.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Weddings are easy. Go to City Hall and get married by a clerk. Tell the families afterward. Your parents might resent you for a while (or might secretly be pleased not to have to deal with all the fuss, expense, and angst usually associated with weddings, in which case they will only pretend to resent you for a while), but they will get over it when your first child is born.</p>
<p>
No, one can not “reasonably surmise” that the dau finally “stood up” to the mom. Maybe that’s what happened in your family, maybe you felt overly controlled by rigid, domineering tiger parents. But that’s NOT a reasonable assumption here. You seem quite hung up on one word, which I think you are taking out of context. The way I read “I know my child has had some issues with things that I’ve made her do, but it was quickly squashed because she knows that ultimately she doesn’t get to make those decisions,” was that the issues, or daughters reactions to moms expectations were “squashed”, meaning that as the parent, perhaps during her dau’s hormonal adolescence, rather than get into a tug of war or argument, mom simply said “this is what we are doing” to nip the drama or whining in the bud. This is reasonable, and a normal parent-child interaction. this is far different from the dysfunctional power-mongering, overcontrolling dynamic that you perhaps experienced and continue to surmise in these situations. Sometimes it feels like your participation in the parents forums here, as a mid to late-30’s childless male, is to work out your issues with your parents, and perhaps your thinking is as rigid as theirs. Just a thought.</p>
<p>I think it’s great that the OP and her daughter came up with a solution that works for them.</p>
<p>jym626,</p>
<p>Actually, many parents in this thread have also gotten the same impressions of the OP from those very posts as I have. </p>
<p>To some extent, this thread/discussion has become a good barometer as to:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Whether posters remembered or at least…could empathize with an adolescent/young adult trying to start asserting his/her own independence with some open dissenting/digging in one’s heels. A phenomenon which is, mind you, considered a natural and healthy part of one’s development from childhood into young adulthood…especially in US society.</p></li>
<li><p>Posters who have no problems with use of authoritarian tone in all matters…even small ones versus those who feel it should be applied sparingly & judiciously…especially in the latter adolescent/young adult years.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>
</p>
<p>Amen to that! And kudos to the D. :)</p>