<p>Apologies if this wasn’t the most apt metaphor, but it was the only one that came to mind where the upfront cost is a burden to the parent, but the time, effort, and emotional investment is on the child. There are plenty of reasons to want to detach from a less than satisfying college experience and some of them can overlap with the same reasons to want to detach from a spouse. </p>
<p>Hopefully her college wasn’t drunk and punching her. (DISCLAIMER: Not making light of spousal abuse, just using the reason my sister got divorced years ago, as another not very apt example that just happens to bubble to the surface of my limited mind now and again)</p>
<p>I’m really taken aback at the accusations of selfishness, petulance, domineering-ness, etc., that are being flung about here. A mother and daughter had a conflict about something that brought up emotions on both sides (some of which they felt unable to bring up directly, esp on D’s side, from the sound of it). It was not a moral issue.While some posters were indulging in a little character assassination, the principals reached a compromise. As far as we know, they have a reasonable relationship and are not harboring grudges. Best wishes to both of them.</p>
<p>OP’s admitted tone in how she made this request to her D in various posts is such a reasonable person can conclude it’s a domineering one. </p>
<p>OP’s post #76 underscores this when she uses the term “squash” to illustrate how her word is the law and her D had no meaningful say in it. </p>
<p>I don’t know about you, but that’s a textbook illustration of being domineering…especially considering the context of emotional baggage over the years, the relatively minor symbolic symbolism of the request, and the fact the D is 23 years old. </p>
<p>As I said before, no healthy well-adjusted person…especially an adult enjoys being domineered and ordered around by others and the natural reaction is to dig in one’s heels to resist. </p>
<p>This is about basic respect of the D autonomous rights as a separate being with the right to have her feelings and ideas meaningfully and seriously considered…not brusquely dismissed out of hand because “I’m the parent and I say so”. That tone becomes less effective once a child enters adolescence and is highly ineffective for a well-adjusted adult. </p>
<p>I sincerely hope the OP carefully considers the how other parents have came away with similar impressions of her parenting style and how it may have planted the seeds for this conflict. </p>
<p>It’s the first step on a long journey to start repairing what is an effectively a dysfunctional relationship…especially if we consider looking at this conflict/relationship from D’s plausible internally held reactions/perspective.</p>
<p>Oh, please. The drama. The daughter came to her senses, realized that she was hurting her mother, and proposed a compromise and they accepted and all is better again. The over-the-top judgment about “repairing a dysfunctional relationship” is a bit much, and done for dramatic effect.</p>
<p>I’m on D’s side here - it is terrible to express your opinion to your parent and be told “tough.” It teaches you that your opinion doesn’t really matter and you are basically powerless. </p>
<p>I also wonder if the young lady might have social anxiety issues which would make the ceremony an ordeal. In that case, she really needs the power to set boundaries on demands made of her.</p>
<p>If attending a benign usually boring grad ceremony qualifies as an “ordeal” that threatens mental stability she better check into a longterm care facility right now. It only gets worse out there in the real world. Just because you express your opinion and get a No does not make you right. Bosses like a NO a lot.</p>
<p>LOL. Not to add to the drama, but the following question comes to mind:</p>
<p>This might sound wild and crazy, but I’m just wondering if perhaps D has not been cleared to graduate and is avoiding telling mom. Lots of kids make a mistake on their prereqs/counseling and end up scrambling at the 11th hour – mine almost did ;)</p>
<p>If this were the case, then she doesn’t wanna walk because she WON’T be able to walk…Just a outlier that would actually make sense ;)</p>
<p>Second wild and crazy notion is that I totally enjoyed my son’s grad, and would have enjoyed it almost as much had he chosen not to walk.
He was only featured for three seconds of the ceremony from the vantage of 100 yards away.</p>
<p>Instead of feeling sad, go to the grad, listen to the speakers, enjoy watching the other families, and don’t sweat your d’s disinclination to walk. If you manage your mindset, you can still have a good time and feel part of the thing for which you made a substantial fiscal sacrifice ;)</p>
<p>Sure she can have power over her own decision. But you can also have power over YOURS and if she will give you her allotted grad tix, why not use 'em, say I ;)</p>
<p>I don’t have kids, so take this with whatever quantity of salt you’d like. (1) Not every parent-child relationship is a one-way street, many parents - my own for example - ask their kids for advice, especially as they become adults, and the role of their own advice shrinks. (2) Their are any number of, albeit somewhat rare, circumstances under which a child might find it painful to go to the graduation. Especially if the parent-child relationship isn’t one of reciprocating respect, they may well be hiding these circumstances. I dislike the implication that this relationship is teetering on the brink of estrangement, but god forbid the kid was bullied, harassed, excluded by their schoolmates; struggling with depression; neglected in some serious way or another by the school (especially with respect to something like the previously mentioned), if a parent tries to force it, the hyperbole employed by some in this thread might not be so hyperbolic.</p>
<p>Like bosses, college professors and the college administration make demands, and students have to comply with them. The OP’s daughter must have demonstrated the ability to comply when necessary or she would not be in her current position, i.e., about to graduate.</p>
<p>On the other hand, most of us do not wish to be treated in our families in the same way that we are treated in school or the workplace, nor do we treat other family members that way.</p>
<p>If attending a benign usually boring grad ceremony qualifies as an “ordeal” that threatens mental stability she better check into a longterm care facility right now. It</p>
<p>I don’t think anyone suggested that her mental stability would be threatened. I suggested that she may just want to avoid what she considers an uncomfortable situation. I liken it to someone who doesn’t want to go stag to their prom. It wouldn’t cause a mental breakdown, but for some people it would be too uncomfortable.</p>
<p>Yes. But there is no evidence that this would be a case of forcing someone to pretend to celebrate with their harassers – forgive the analogy, but this isn’t forcing someone to go give Uncle Fred a kiss on the cheek at Christmas dinner when Uncle Fred molested them years ago. This was indeed just a pure case of “I don’t wanna.”</p>
<p>Why do you assert that she had no valid reason to not want to go (a pure case of “I don’t wanna”)?
Did you hear from the daughter on this? Do share.</p>
<p>Barrons - this is the type of “understanding” that people with anxiety issues usually get, thus the issues get worse. I would hope for more concern for my feelings, rather than expectations of blind obedience, from my own parent.</p>
<p>Again, the anxiety thing is just a guess on my part & perhaps plays no part in this particular situation.</p>
<p>And in the process, completely ignoring the OP’s posts admitting she felt “D must obey me because I am the parent and my word is law” mentality…especially in post #76. </p>
<p>And that this mentality has been a recurring theme in the parent-child relationship…not a recent phenomenon. </p>
<p>Gee PG,</p>
<p>I never figured you to be this oblivious even when the evidence is so blatantly obvious.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>And if this is the case with the D…which is understandably unknown due to OP’s own admitted pattern of parenting, this only makes her previous attempts to push the issue so much worse for the D.</p>
<p>Your daughter might consider ordering the cap and gown anyway, she might change her mind by springtime. I did: I walked at my Giant U graduation after all, with no guests in the audience. In some ways, it was my favorite graduation ceremony —all mine. I did very much want my father (my only living parent in college and later) to see me get my Master’s degree and JD, but not so much my Giant U BS degree.</p>
<p>I also find it a bit odd that one needs to order a cap & gown to get graduation tickets. That wasn’t the case for my college nor for colleges my friends/colleagues attended…including public ones in the NYC area. </p>
<p>A reason why college graduates from previous years in the areas I’ve lived in sell off or even give away used cap & gown sets to graduating seniors who want to save some cash. </p>
<p>Maybe D’s college has done so to encourage more attendance at what may be a large impersonal graduation ceremony due to past experience?</p>