<p>In relationships…especially choosing an SO, if the other party insists on going to events/performing activities one has reasoned little/no interest in & is unwilling to compromise/give much space for one to do some of what he/she prefers alone or with other friends, that’s one definite sign of incompatibility and staying in the relationship isn’t likely to result in a positive outcome for either party. </p>
<p>An observation I’ve noticed from watching far too many friends of both genders whine/complain about having to drag their SOs to do anything or on the flipside, complaining about being forced to do everything the SO wants to do and yet, discouraged/not allowed to pursue their own favored pastimes* because SO isn’t interested. </p>
<p>IMO…life’s too short to being forced to put one’s own life/lion’s share of preferences aside in order to please other people…especially when they insist on an essentially one-sided relationship.</p>
<p>I don’t know why you think that citing what your extended family members do or have done is a compelling argument. Their beliefs and actions aren’t meaningful to the rest of us, only to you.</p>
<p>You would have a point if there were evidence that the relationship was one-sided, that mom always said jump and expected the daughter to respond only with “how high.” There’s no evidence of that. </p>
<p>Mom’s asking her to do one thing, which any reasonable person can see is no big deal (sitting through a few hours at a ceremony – big whoops), but a whiny, petulant, self-centered person will indeed see as a Whopping Big Deal.</p>
<p>And I disagree that you shouldn’t go to things you don’t want to because they don’t fit your interests. My mother is involved with a certain organization. I go to their fundraisers and events, not because I personally care about the organization, but I do it because she cares and it’s important to her and she’s a person that I love and so of course it’s no skin off my back. I don’t “care” about my husband’s office parties and he doesn’t “care” about mine, but we go because we love one another and that’s what you do for people you love.</p>
<p>And I think one could do better to cultivate an attitude of “it’s no skin off my back to do something that is meaningful to a person I love” than this petulant “well, it bores me, so I’m not going to waste my time even though my attendance would mean a lot to someone.” </p>
<p>But, feel free to cultivate the petulant “it’s not worth my time” attitude towards your loved ones.</p>
<p>We, as parents, insist on things all the time when we know it is ultimately in the best interest of our children: “do your homework,” “eat your vegetables,” “clean your room.”</p>
<p>This item, “attend your graduation ceremony,” does not fall in the same category. It’s more like insisting she stays married to the wrong man because you paid for the wedding. She has already honored those dollars you spent by attending her classes and doing her homework. She is expecting you to be able to see your relationship as adult to adult and no longer mother-child.</p>
<p>When my kids are choosing my nursing home, I hope they think I only used the stick when it was really essential. If it were my daughter - I know it’s not, but still - I would buy her flowers, admit my inflexibility, and suggest something she would be sure to enjoy, maybe a long weekend away to celebrate. In the grand scheme, the ceremony is not that important but the relationship is.</p>
<p>Wow. Did you hurt yourself with that leap? Asking someone to spend a few hours at a ceremony is not at all equivalent to insisting they stay in a bad marriage.</p>
<p>Coffecar wrote: “I should be able to because the ceremony is as much as for the families as it is for the students”</p>
<p>Now I understand better where you are coming from.</p>
<p>However, I disagree with this.
The ceremony is for the student.
It is up to the student to decide if they want to go and also whether they want to share it with families and friends.</p>
<p>In some ways I think of this as analogous to a wedding. The ceremony is for the bride and groom. Some choose to invite a lot of people, some chose to elope or have a very small wedding. And a lot of people get offended in the process because they believe the ceremony is about them too.</p>
<p>magnetron–
so funny, last night I was thinking about this thread and I was thinking, “does the OP realize that her daughter is going to be choosing her nursing home one day?” And, of course, deciding whether and how often to visit her mother in it.</p>
<p>I am glad the OP and her daughter came to a compromise on the graduation issue. But I certainly hope their relationship is better than it seems to be in this thread–especially from the perspective of the daughter–because while I do understand that going to graduation to please her mother is a small thing to do in the scheme of things–the choice of words by the OP in many of her posts is off putting.</p>
<p>There is nothing wrong with Cobrat referencing cousins/extended families. You guys automatically deride Cobrat’s posts when this happens, and I think that is uncalled for. It is actually quite relevant that her family has allowed the graduate to make the call on attending graduation, and varying decisions have been made depending on the student’s preferences.</p>
<p>Some of the rhetoric in this thread is really over the top. A mother really wants to see her daughter graduate from college, and she’s being made out to be a control freak, etc.? Sheesh</p>
<p>The rhetoric isn’t just in regards to a mom wishing that her D walk at her graduation. That is an understandable desire, and it would be nice if the D did do that. However, the D (who according to the mom) is not a difficult person, yet has strong desires not to do this. </p>
<p>Keep in mind that the D “had” to go to THIS school for jr and sr years because “mom” wouldn’t “allow” her D (21 at the time!!!) to take out any student loans! (total control freak behavior!)</p>
<p>Instead of just hoping that the D change her mind and being nice about it, the mom seems to be behaving in an almost threatening manner…my house, my rules. My FIL had a “my way or the highway” attitude and guess what? His kids didn’t like him…at all.</p>
<p>I’d recommend you re-read OP’s post #76. Especially this quote:</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I don’t know about you…but that…especially the “squashed” part sounds like a one-sided relationship to me. Parent giving orders like an authoritarian…and child…even as adult expected to comply without debate.</p>
<p>It also shows this has been a recurring theme in the OP’s relationship to D. </p>
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</p>
<p>The best relationships…whether familial, friendships, and especially ones involving SO’s require both sides to have a respectful give & take so if one does an activity one doesn’t have much interest in for the sake of love, the family member/friend/and especially SO should naturally and cheerfully reciprocate in kind and provide space for the other party to pursue hobbies/activities on his/her own if one isn’t interested. </p>
<p>Your own example with your spouse is a good case for my point. You’re going to each other’s events you don’t care about as adults with equal status and hopefully, not forcing the issue as heavily as OP has been doing with D not only in this incident, but past incidents by her own admission. </p>
<p>The OP’s description of relationship to D has a dynamic much more in common with the dysfunctional one-sided dating/SO relationships where there was no effective give-or-take and one party dictated everything while the other was expected to comply without debate. </p>
<p>Sorry, but that’s not the type of relationship I want to have any part of on either side.</p>
<p>Sometimes an “unconnected” person doesn’t want to go to a college graduation because he/she believes it’s going to be an occasion where they’re going to see other classmates (who have become friends) taking pics together, congratulating each other, etc. If this young lady didn’t bond with any classmates, didn’t make any friends at school, then going to the graduation could be a painful experience and reminder that she never really fit in there. </p>
<p>I do think that some parents have a hard time loosening the apron strings once the kid hits about middle school…and the loosening continues thru high school and so forth. This is a 23 year old adult whose mom seems to still view her as a 10 year old. I “get” that. Countless times, over the years, I’ve had to remind my H that our kids are “growing up” (and now are grown up!) and need to make their own decisions…even if they differ from what we’d do.</p>
<p>Read this whole thread, my conclusion is that if she can’t give up 2-4 hours of her time in order to make someone (someone being MOM) happy, her values need to be refined. I don’t care if its 2-4 hours of hell, or 2-4 hours of boredom, if she can’t accept the fact that MOM helped her get this far and this would be an excellent way to show that she appreciates everything MOM did, she is selfish. Don’t agree? Go ahead, over-analyze the whole situation just so you can see that your D cant give you 2-4 hours of her time to make you happy.</p>
<p>Graduation is different than a wedding. It takes a village (especially family) to help a student graduate from college. Many families have to make great sacrifices to send a student to school. Not the case with a wedding. I would hope he/she could find his/her own SO on their own. So I do feel OP’s D is being a bit self center for not want to honor her parent’s wish about going to the graduation. It maybe her degree, but without her parents’ support I don’t it would have been possible.</p>
<p>I have been to many of my kids’ events that I would rather not attend. I have done it because I loved them. Likewise, my kids have attended many of my events (even some work related events) just because I asked them to be there. While in college, whenever they were coming home they would ask if we needed them to attend any special events so they would know what kind of clothing to bring home.</p>
<p>H and I do the same for each other. I have attended many client dinners for H - just shoot me after a long day at work. H has never missed any of my extended family’s events because he knows it is important to me.</p>
<p>At the end of day, it is what you are willing to do for someone you love. I think when parents tell their kids they should do whatever makes them happy, those parents are potentially raising self-centered kids. “It is all about me.”</p>
<p>Asking someone to spend a few hours at a ceremony is not at all equivalent to insisting they stay in a bad marriage.</p>
<p>Of course it’s not. I think the person was just using an extreme example to demonstrate.</p>
<p>PG…in a normal circumstance, family members should be very willing to “put themselves out” for a couple of hours to attend things that aren’t their “cup of tea”. I think we all can agree with that. However, I think there is a painful reason why this young lady doesn’t want to go. She’s not a difficult D. She’s not someone who puts her foot down often (according to mom). I think that if this isn’t some trend of “me me me” behavior, then her wishes should be respected.</p>
<p>My impression from OP’s own posts is that this refusal to go to the graduation ceremony isn’t about selfishness, but about being forced to go along with all other requests by a domineering parent and the walking at graduation request-cum-demand is the last straw in what seems to be an extremely one-sided relationship.</p>
<p>Well, parent-child relationships are one sided. No matter how old the child gets. That’s the nature of the beast. My parents are still biting their tongues trying to not give unwanted advice or make judgments of things I do–and I’m a LOT older than OPs daughter! But the love we share is a two way street and that’s what is important.<br>
I do things all the time I don’t want to do but family is family and that’s more important.</p>
<p>OP was disappointed that D would discount her feelings and was hurt. I think that’s a very reasonable reaction. Either D doesn’t “get it” or really had good personal reasons. They’ve made a great compromise and that’s admirable. Hope the pictures come out great! And since OP said D doesn’t like her picture taken but agreed to do it for mom says something good too.</p>
<p>It seems parental ignoring of the D’s feelings in past matters has been a recurring theme as the OP admitted…especially in post #76. </p>
<p>Seems some parents here don’t feel the principle of reasonable reciprocity applies to children…even adult children here. </p>
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</p>
<p>Indeed. </p>
<p>Most of those who had similar types of domineering parents who issued diktats without much/any meaningful consideration of their input would not have been nearly as accommodating to the parent in light of the prior long-standing emotional baggage between them as the OP admitted in her posts. </p>
<p>To be fair, part of D’s initiating a compromise also have been partly due to socialization as our society does give boys/men like myself far greater allowance to rebel and push back against unreasonable/excessive demands than girls/women who, on average, are expected to not make as many waves. In fact, it is highly expected in many areas of our society.</p>