<p>OP, I also congratulate you and your D on working things out. The relationship you share is the most important and enduring. :)</p>
<p>I mean, if she doesnât feel a connection to the school, then I donât see why she necessarily HAS to walk. I understand that as a mother (or father? I donât think you specified gender) you want to be there for her, but if she doesnât want to be there, you should also respect that. </p>
<p>Just my opinion.</p>
<p>Congratulations on working it out. The portrait is a great idea, I wish Iâd thought of that.</p>
<p>OP Iâd rather have the portrait than sit for 2-3 hours in a hot stuffy venue listening to a series of stuffy speakers (Julie Andrews canât speak everywhere, alas). I think this is a very good compromise. Iâm glad this didnât lead to an estrangement - that would have been very sad.</p>
<p>I was forced to attend graduation ceremonies for my siblings, both college and graduate schools (they attended mine). Letâs see. The most memorable part of my sisterâs college ceremony was witnessing a man kick the door of a telephone booth open and yelling at a woman to get out (obviously pre-cellphone days). Turns out she was a very pregnant reporter of a local paper calling in a story. She knew her words. </p>
<p>At my brotherâs graduate school commencement, we didnât even get to sit in the hot stuffy venue with the graduates - it was so large, there were satellite rooms where we watched the ceremony on a big screen TV.</p>
<p>I think the OPâs daugther IS being selfish about the graduation, yes, I do, but it just isnât an important enough issue to make into a sticking point in a relationship. Yes, Iâd be sad, disappointed and hurt, but not all that much. I wish that were the worst my kids have done in terms of upsetting me. </p>
<p>My very close friend was terribly hurt when her ony daughter decided not to have a wedding when she got married. Just went to city hall, and then told her parents that was it. Refused to have any kind of reception or celebration after the fact. And she knew her mother wanted a traditional type wedding for her daughter. Very, very much wanted it. Too much and she decided to make sure her mother would not get one. And she succeeded. I think she is a bit sorry now, and will probably be sorrier later when she is gets older, because her mother is not well and may not live a whole lot longer. </p>
<p>But she gave her mother so much joy, and did not give her much pain, as some children do. In the great talley that she did not let her mother plan a traditional type of wedding is not a big deal. Some kids do things, lead a life that cause great, great pain to the parents. If not walking at a graduation, not having a big wedding, or other such choices are the type of choices a child makes, yes, it is ungrateful to not endure these things for the sake of someone who loves you more than anything in the world and has given you so much, perhaps, sacrificed much to give you those things, but it isnât such a terrible thing when you look at the big picture.</p>
<p>I can say from my own experience that if I donât want to do something I wonât. But actually graduation is an important thing. Try to tell your daughte how it is important for you to see her there. You need to have a talk. I am sure you can find the compromise.</p>
<p>âMy house my rulesâ in regards to THIS ISSUE???</p>
<p>What is wrong with you? You sound like a control freak to the max. Do you understand that your attitude will likely affect your relationship with your D for the rest of her life?</p>
<p>Just wait til she throws at you âmy child my rulesâ when she forbids you from seeing your grandkids. Sheâs going to use her power as a payback and then youâre really going to be sick.</p>
<p>You need to lighten upâŠbig time. And back off.</p>
<p>Some of the rhetoric in this thread is really over the top. A mother really wants to see her daughter graduate from college, and sheâs being made out to be a control freak, etc.? Sheesh. Also, several people have suggested that theyâd rather do something like have a fun day instead. Life is not so short that you canât spend a few hours at your graduation and have a fun day together some other time.</p>
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<p>The control freak impression comes from the OPâs own admitted manner in which she asked(probably more like demanded) her D to walk for graduation as seen here in the first post:</p>
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<p>I donât know about you, but most healthy well-adjusted folksâŠespecially adults 18+ donât tend to respond well to requests made in a demanding entitled tone which is effectively a form of being ordered around. Sheâs a human being, not an automaton to be controlled by parents. Especially at 18 or over. </p>
<p>If it was me, I would have acted in the same way the D did not only because I donât like being ordered around, but also because honoring the request in that context is IMO rewarding poor behavior on the part of the person making such requests in a demanding entitled tone.</p>
<p>If I were the daughter, Iâd buy a ticket out of town ASAP after my transcripts were available. Sounds like toxic mother syndrome.</p>
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<p>I am completely with Hunt on this.</p>
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<p>Mostly because it IS selfish. Thereâs no other reason than âI donât wanna.â As if the mother didnât make her own set of sacrifices to send her daughter to school.</p>
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<p>And the OP is IMO, more selfish to be effectively ordering her D to do the walk as admitted in the first post. Especially considering in subsequent posts, OP has admitted to a history of authoritarian parenting with no consideration of Dâs input or views as seen in OPâs post #76:</p>
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<p>Squashed?!! Squashed?!! Excuse me, but that clearly illustrates how the OP had no meaningful interest in Dâs input or opinions in the past. </p>
<p>Considering all that and the fact this college may not have been Dâs favorite choiceâŠbut the âgo along with it because I have little/no choiceâ which follows the previous long pattern in her life, the OP shouldnât have been surprised if her D decides to dig in her heels and refuses to play doormat anymoreâŠespecially at 23. </p>
<p>In short, part of Dâs reaction is due to the manner of parenting and communication patterns based mainly on demanding and gaining complianceâŠnot engaging her D as an autonomous being with the right to have her opinions and ideas engaged with and reasonably considered. </p>
<p>PG, context here is very important hereâŠespecially considering the communication/parenting patterns throughout the Dâs life has planted the seeds for Dâs resistance to graduation.</p>
<p>Moreover, when OP stated:</p>
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<p>she fails to understand that meaningful-ness of milestones such as graduation ceremonies are only as much as whatâs assigned by the one going through them. </p>
<p>If itâs not meaningful to the one who is going through a milestoneâŠespecially one like graduation where there are many different perspectives all over the spectrum, then itâs not really that meaningful. </p>
<p>When the OP makes statements like the one above, sheâs completely missing the point by apparently making it all about her, the parent while ignoring the fact itâs not meaningful for the DâŠthe actual graduate going through the milestone here.</p>
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As I said before, you may understand this a little better when you have kids.</p>
<p>I have to wonder if some of the people so fiercely on the attack here have done something similar to their own parents, and are defensive about it. I mean, this is a pretty benign requestâhey, I sacrificed for years so you could go to college at all, canât you at least spend a few hours at the graduation if it means a lot to me? How can a loving daughter say no to that without a really good reason? âIt isnât meaningful to me.â So what? Are you kidding?</p>
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<p>Um, do you want her to walk for herself, or because she owes it to you?</p>
<p>See, sheâs already told you that she doesnât want to walk for herself. So telling a grown woman (albeit a young one, albeit your daughter) that you know better than her about her own feelings is a loser of an argument.</p>
<p>Itâs even worse of an argument when you are coupling it with a semi-demand that she do it for you, or otherwise, sheâs selfish.</p>
<p>Itâs like that couples argument wherein the woman says she doesnât want the man to do dishes; she wants him to want to do the dishes. Well, thatâs nice, but why not focus on what you can get the person to do, rather than also fighting about their feelings on the matter? </p>
<p>If you paid for school and the one thing you want in return is for your daughter to walk, then tell her that. Be prepared for her to not like it. Be prepared for her to not like it years from now. You canât dictate her feelings to her, but you can tell her to grow up and do this for you.</p>
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<p>I do understand the parentâs side. However, I also understand that not everyone assigns the same meaning to graduationsâŠwhich are mostly symbolic exercises. </p>
<p>I just donât see this as a battle worth pickingâŠespecially with the admitted past relational baggage involved here and high risk of permanently poisoning the parent/adult child relationship. </p>
<p>Moreover, while my extended family does tend to love attending graduations of younger family members, they are willing and have honored the reasonable request of a few older cousins to not walk/go to graduations because it/the school experience wasnât that meaningful for them. </p>
<p>Thatâs a reasonable pattern that I intend to emulate when I have kids.</p>
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<p>Disagree with the part of telling her to âgrow upâ. She is demonstrating she has grown up by finally standing up to a parent who has had a long history of being exceedingly domineering to her.</p>
<p>Hunt, I agree with Cobrat on this, and I have kids⊠I think the OP has been a domineering parent, and this is a point where her D has decided it is enough. I am guessing the D might give a different perspective on how âgoodâ their relationship is, too. A lot of domineering parents will assure everyone that their relationship with their kids is great, but the kids would tell a different story. I have never âsquashedâ my kidâs when they want to do something. I have treated them respectfully, and as close to adults as the moment would allow. Has worked out great â in fact, my kids WOULD do something like this for me if I asked, but I also think I would get their real and true reasons from them if they didnât want to, and we would come to a reasonable compromise that satisfied us both. I would not demand my own way, nor would they demand their own way. Domineering parents just want things done their way⊠I think the OP is just reaping what she has sown with her past parenting style.</p>
<p>Well, first thing to understand is that nobody can ever really make anyone else do anything. If your daughter is set on avoiding the ceremony, there really is nothing you can do, and to try to manipulate her will only make things worse. However, I donât think your request is unreasonable. We had a similar situation in our house last year, and it was important for us to impress upon our son that the world does not revolve around what he wants and doesnât want. We explained (and he agreed) that we have been extremely generous with him in terms of freedom to spend time with friends, choose his own college, financial support, encouragement to pursue his interests - and that we expect that he would be generous with us in allowing us to see him participate in a certain ceremony. Relationships are a two way street, and sometimes we do things we donât want to do because it is a kindness to those who want them done. </p>
<p>He eventually saw the light and participated in the ceremony - seemed very happy to be there, and agreed that he was glad he went. But the most valuable thing he learned, I hope, is that âI donât care how important this is to you, I donât wanna so Iâm not gonnaâ is not the way to foster relationships. If we all only thought about our own interests and didnât care about the feelings of others, weâd have a cold, cold world.</p>
<p>I think that given that the OP and her D have come to a compromise and OP has withdrawn her requestâor âdemand,â if you willâthat it is time to stop piling on. Try congratulating her for taking a different tack, instead of calling her names. </p>
<p>If your goal is to help her achieve a different perspective going forward, you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.</p>
<p>Crossposted with eastcoastgirl. Not directed at you! :)</p>
<p>Oh Iâm sorry, I didnât see that - very glad that they have compromised! :)</p>