<p>I guess I am just venting so please bear with me. </p>
<p>My daughter was in a long term relationship with this boy a little over a year ago. It was obvious that they cared deeply about one another, and then she went away to college. Within six months of being away she broke up with him saying that she needed time and space to grow as a person. That was fine, and I agreed with her in that college especially during the first year, it is a time to be on your own. Now, after a year and a half he is back in the picture. However, the once kind and loving boyfriend seems like he just wants to have a good time. My daughter is a college jr. and I think she believed he was going to be the same guy he was… which was serious and loving toward her. He told her he is just interested in having a good time and does not want anything serious. What the heck do I say now. I always liked him, in fact, I always believed they would find their way back to each other. Now I want to tell him to go fly a kite…not my place I understand, but that is how I feel.</p>
<p>The question is what should I say to my daughter regarding this or do I keep my mouth shut?</p>
<p>One…they are just in college and so I am not sure just how “serious” the relationship needs to be right now. If they enjoy going out and being a couple, does it really have to involve a level of seriousness or long term commitment at this juncture anyway? They are young .</p>
<p>Two…I have daughters also. Mine are 21 and 23 now. My 21 year old has had several boyfriends of at least a year long duration each and is in a relationship right now. In my experience, through her sharing with me, I think some young men this age use these statements as a defense mechanism as they have fears of words like “commitment” or similar terminology (maybe in your D’s BF’s case, the word is “serious”) and what that implies in their minds. Some also fear that if there is some official serious type “status” to the relationship, that they will be hurt if they break up (have possibly been through break ups before) and so they are shielding themselves a bit, but these superficial terms that they don’t want to use to describe the relationship. But sometimes, they are truly living a committed relationship with all that entails but don’t want to actually use the words that describe it as it sounds too serious to them. Like they don’t want to call it what it really is. Not sure if I am explaining this clearly, but I think some young men are afraid of these terms, even if they really do act committed. They don’t like using the wording! </p>
<p>Three…I would not initiate any discussion with your D on this matter. IF she comes to you about her thoughts and feelings, engage in a discussion about it.</p>
<p>^^^^
You are right about that. This young man is good friends with all three of my sons and he was treated like one of the family. His heart was broken when they broke up and he tried very hard to see her again. She was just not ready for a serious relationship at that time. He was talking future marriage and she was thinking first year of college. They were on different plains at that time. Now she is thinking serious relationship and he just wants to have fun. He wants to be with her but with no strings attached. That is what I am having trouble with. He has persued her since they broke up and now he wants a good time.</p>
<p>^^^^ eddieodessa
You are right about that. This young man is good friends with all three of my sons and he was treated like one of the family. His heart was broken when they broke up and he tried very hard to see her again. She was just not ready for a serious relationship at that time. He was talking future marriage and she was thinking first year of college. They were on different plains at that time. Now she is thinking serious relationship and he just wants to have fun. He wants to be with her but with no strings attached. That is what I am having trouble with. He has persued her since they broke up and now he wants a good time.</p>
<p>momma-three…he may just be saying that to guard himself from being hurt again. So, rather than examine what he says, she should see how he acts. If he acts committed, leave it at that.</p>
<p>I actually disagree with soozievt. Yes, actions are certainly important but so are words. If he is not willing to say that he is serious about the relationship, don’t expect/hope that he will be. It may happen, or it may not. If your daughter is OK with it, that’s fine, but she shouldn’t expect that he is actually serious and just too afraid to say it. From what I have observed, that is rarely the case.</p>
<p>“A good time” - can you elaborate on that? Seriously, if a good time just means going out as a couple and having fun but maybe not being exclusive or maybe not shopping for an engagement ring yet, is that so bad? </p>
<p>Sounds like they have sort of switched roles. Before, he was serious, she needed a break/freedom. Now, she wants serious, he has adapted to the break/freedom. Either way, for a committment they both have to be on the same page because they WANT to be. </p>
<p>Not saying your daughter was wrong in breaking up at all, but maybe at this point she should just be thankful that he is still interested in seeing her. </p>
<p>But yeah, you need to let them work it out. If he’s a nice guy, then enjoy his niceness as a guy. Try not to have any more expectations for the relationship.</p>
<p>Also, can you define “no strings attached?” I think your D should expect being exclusive in the relationship if that is what she wants. Expecting long term plans…well, I think she should just see how that goes and enjoy the relationship for now. Just my thoughts.</p>
<p>I had a long-time bf in HS/college. The relationship spanned almost four years, with a couple of minor breakups in there. My parents adored him. </p>
<p>My sophomore year in college I did the big breakup (we were just heading different places). I remember my mother being devastated, and in one fight in particular my mother took his side over mine (long story). I felt very betrayed. I say all that because as parents we shouldn’t become too vested in our kids’ relationships. I was 19 (a college sophomore) at the age of the big breakup and old enough to know what I was doing (even when he showed up the next day with the engagement ring he had in layaway. Ouch!). Over the course of the next five years, we got back together again in various forms – sometimes more serious, sometimes not. Unless you really feel like he’s downright abusive to your dd, I’d stay out of it and trust her to make the right decisions.</p>
<p>I understand your concerns, but these are things your daughter has to grapple with and ultimately she is the one who has to figure out what the guy means (“no strings attached” as in not dating exclusively, or “we’ll be BF/GF and see where it goes from there”, or something else entirely?) and decide whether she wants to be with him or not. Even if you “know” the right answer–and parents sometimes do–she still has to FIND the right answer for herself. That’s part of growing up.</p>
<p>Incidentally, I agree with acollegestudent–don’t assume that “no strings attached” really means “he wants to commit only to her but is afraid to say the words.” That might be the case, but probably not. Your D will have to communicate with the guy to figure out exactly what he means.</p>
<p>I agree with Youdon’tsay that parents should not become too vested in young relationships that aren’t clearly headed toward marriage. One can be warm and hospitable, but I just can’t relate to that way of thinking and don’t think it’s at all healthy or wise for anyone concerned. It’s possible that the BF is just playing it cool, and also possible that he has matured enough to know that he is not ready for a long term commitment at this time in his life. One thing gives me pause - you say that your D thought that he’d still be serious and loving toward her. I don’t know what the opposite of that is from your perspective, but if he’s NOT treating her well, I wouldn’t overlook that if I were in your D’s position.</p>
<p>^^^ He is still sweet and very attentive just made it clear that he wants to just have fun and is not into having a serious relationship. Serious relationship means just see where things go and lets have fun. I take that to mean that they will both be seeing others yet they have been away for a couple weekends together.</p>
<p>Well that’s never going to work. My opinion is that relationships can never go backwards. When they do, they’re doomed. Others may disagree but that has been my experience. My grandmother always said that “warmed over soup is always the hottest” but not if one of the couple is playing the field.</p>
<p>I don’t infer that his statement means they agree to date others. I see the statement as rather appropriate for their age. They are together for now and will see where it goes. They may date only one another. They have no future plans. Sounds like my D’s relationship! It’s what I would expect and want if I were her. Perhaps your D is expecting a commitment for the future. That would scare many 21 year old boys.</p>
<p>These kids are what? 20 or 21? They are in process. It doesn’t matter what they say – “serious” isn’t serious (or at least I hope it isn’t), and “fun” may be serious, just not yet. Whatever they were when they were 17, those people are still in there, but that’s not exactly how they are going to come out (thank heavens!). Nor is what they are like now, exactly.</p>
<p>Give them space. If it’s meant to be, then (a) it will be, and (b) it will be beating pretty heavy odds. Each of them is probably a way for the other to relate to her or his past and to judge her or his progress. They obviously didn’t fully disconnect with one another over a period of years when they were split, but it’s not completely surprising that one is not willing to re-connect fully over the span of a few weeks. In ten years, maybe, you and they will be able to see their relationship whole, whatever the outcome; no one should even be trying that right now.</p>