<p>I really hoped that they wouldn’t revisit this until they were both out of college and more established. They really had something that was very special and when my daughter broke up with him it was out of the blue. My daughter went through some difficult times as some of you may remember so I am just wondering if he is treading lightly. I just don’t think it is a good idea that they see others when they were once so close.</p>
<p>He has a right to tread lightly as she broke up with him before. Further, they are YOUNG. I don’t know a lot of juniors in college discussing the future with their bf/gf’s. They date exclusively and see where it leads, as I believe is appropriate. </p>
<p>Why do you assume he wants to see others? You already say they have gone away for a few weekends together. She should come to some understanding with him as to whether their relationship is meant to be exclusive. I know my D and her BF have such an agreement. No need to go beyond that agreement and talk of the future. They should take it as it goes. Not sure why this young man needs to commit to more than “for now”. I do think an agreement to only date one another (or not) should be discussed. Just my opinion.</p>
<p>They just got back together, right? Is your D looking for him to commit to “forever”? Just wondering what the key issue is here.</p>
<p>I agree…However they are not considered a couple by mutual friends and they refer to this as hanging out together. It is nothing like they once were.</p>
<p>Your D will just have to decide if this is what she wants or not. I know one sign my D once said about a boy is if he is not willing to introduce her as his “girlfriend”, that says something. So, if your D is looking for GF/BF status and exclusive dating, she should have such a conversation with the guy. If she is looking for a long term future commitment, in my view, she should wait and see and not bring that up at this juncture. Your D can set her own limits and decide what to do. If she discusses it with you, fine and great…if not, you likely should butt out. Then again, how do you know what he told her? Did she share it with you? Did she sound concerned or upset about that? Then, discuss it with her about setting her own boundaries and working that out with him or decide if she wants to wait and see or simply not date him.</p>
<p>The bottom line…and I can’t tell from your posts…is she content with the status quo or not? Or is it that you are having trouble with it? Sorry, I’m not clear on that.</p>
<p>I get the impression you are put out with the boyfriend and I think that might be misplaced. She broke up with him. Now she wants him back together and I think he is just being honest about where his head is at.</p>
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<p>Really? Your daughter thought nothing would have changed after she broke up with him. It sounds to me like his feelings for her cooled and he moved on, which is exactly what he should have done under the circumstances and given his age.</p>
<p>I appreciate that you are supportive of your daughter, as you should be, but try to look at this objectively, I don’t think he did anything wrong. I also think you should take him at his word, he says he doesn’t want anything serious, he just wants to have fun, so no, it’s not going to be like it was.</p>
<p>My D has discussed this kind of stuff with me. For her, she needed a commitment to “officially” be able to call their relationship “boyfriend and girlfriend” and agree to not date others. She waits until some time into the relationship and comes to that understanding with her partner. But I do not believe she has discussed “the future” with any boy yet at this age (she is 21).</p>
<p>Yeah, I’m a little unclear what the problem is. I don’t know your dd’s history so maybe there is more there than I realize, but I’m not sure what you’re concerned about. </p>
<p>You talk about them going away for the weekend, so I assume they’re having sex; are you concerned about STDs from his sleeping around (a possible consequence of his not committing to her exclusively)?</p>
<p>Is your D actually dating this young man? Or do they just see one another in groups of friends? </p>
<p>I ask because my D has remained friends with former boyfriends with whom she broke up. But they are not dating. They do hang out together among friends.</p>
<p>Does your D and this young man attend the same college? I’m thinking maybe they don’t if they were dating prior to college and you say he was friends with your three sons. So, is it a long distance thing? Or is it that both came home for the summer and reconnected?</p>
<p>Your daughter has to go through this 100% on her own. You can’t add any value and must stay quietly on the sidelines. </p>
<p>I feel and understand your pain but any input from you will only come back to haunt you.</p>
<p>I would like to say that from my perspective (I am 24 and 2 years out of college, so I am just a little older than her) 21 is not too early to discuss the “future” if that’s what’s important to her. I feel like a lot of parents on this board think that young people tend to not get committed as early as they did before, but some do, and there is nothing wrong with that. I have known at least several people in college (both men and women) that don’t date someone unless they see a potential for a future with that person. That doesn’t mean that they have to get married or commit right away. It just means it’s not casual, exclusive from the beginning, taken seriously, and with someone who you already know (so that you know your interests/values/goals are compatible, at least at that point). If OP’s D wants that or even if she just wants an exclusive relationship, she shouldn’t settle for a guy who wants something that’s “no strings attached.” It doesn’t matter why he is doing that or who broke up with whom. If he doesn’t see relationships the same way she does, it may not make a lot of sense to stick around and see if he changes his mind. He is one year away from graduation and possibly getting a full-time job and fully supporting himself. He is really not to young to think about a future, and if he is, there are plenty of guys who aren’t.</p>
<p>Young people are different, and, even if there are trends, there is still a significant percentage that wants stable, serious, future-oriented relationships.</p>
<p>I agree there is no need for any long term, forever commitment, but I thought he was saying he wanted to date other people. That is the part that I don’t think will work. If they are having sex, then, IMO, there should be exclusivity, even without a commitment.</p>
<p>I didn’t see where he said he wanted to date others. I don’t know if the mom is inferring that. She just said he wanted to have fun and not get serious. Lots of couples that age date and are exclusive but are not making future plans. So, I’m not clear that this young man said anything about dating others. The word “serious” can have different connotations. Some consider that as implying making future plans. A couple can enjoy the here and now and still be exclusive at that age.</p>
<p>My D is in an exclusive relationship. She is out of college for a year aleady, but still 21. Her BF was a good friend in college, same year, but he is 23 (she went to college young). I truly do not believe they have discussed future plans. She even said to me one time, “I don’t know how you ever got married at this age!! (I was 20 when I got married)”</p>
<p>I guess that is what I am saying cartera. I have a problem with there being sex but there not being a desire to be together as a “couple”. My daughter is not interested in a marraige proposal and that was the reason she broke up with him to begin with. She felt that she was in too deep for a college freshman. He on the other hand was very clear about his intentions even back then. Now he wants to play but does not want to be “the boyfriend”.</p>
<p>My daughter has come such a long way emotionally and has grown up so much this past year. As many could recall this time last year she returned from her private University a mess. It has been a long year for her with so much accomplished on a personal level and academically. I am so proud of everything she has managed to do this year. I just don’t see the positive in such a relationship as it is right now and I guess I am concerned that it will take her back a few steps emotionally.</p>
<p>If you have the type of relationship with your D that you can advise her as a friend (not just as a mother), then you might ask how she would feel if he were to date other women while they are having a sexual relationship. Very few women would like that. </p>
<p>however, if you don’t feel like you can have that sort of “girl talk” discussion with her without being “parental,” then you may have to say nothing. </p>
<p>Personally, if she were my adult D or friend, I would advise her not to be having sex with ANY man who isn’t exclusive with her.</p>
<p>On the other hand, I agree with that man who posted earlier, he may just be giving her a taste of her own medicine (which friends may have advised him to do). But, even if that is the case, she should not be sleeping with him while he’s leaving his options open.</p>
<p>How do you KNOW he wants to date others at the same time? I can’t tell if you are inferring that. Saying he doesn’t want to get serious doesn’t imply dating more than one person. If your D wants it to be exclusive (does she?), then she should come to an agreement with him about that and if they can’t, then she should decide if this relationship satisfies what she wants or not. You haven’t said how you know what he told her. Did she confide in you? And is she concerned or upset about the arrangement? Or are you? If she is voicing concern to you, then you can advise her to discuss with him an agreement as to their status in terms of exclusive dating. If she is not concerned about it, not sure what you can do. Nothing, in my view.</p>
<p>Yes, she is pretty open with me. As I said this past year has been a year of alot of growth and my daughter talks to me pretty openly. She is hurt that he made the “friends” thing so clear.</p>
<p>It sounds like friends with benefits to me and that annoys me because he does not know what she has gone through these past two years. She did him a favor by breaking up with him when she did. She did not drag him down and she recognized that she was in emotional trouble. I just don’t want to see her hurt when she did not intentially hurt him. She has very deep feelings for him.</p>
<p>momma-three, I understand your concerns. Is she asking for your advice, or just sharing and airing feelings? If she isn’t specifically asking for advice, I would be very careful not to say anything that sounds like disapproval of him. You can be concerned for her and her feelings without saying anything negative about him or his intentions. What you want is to keep the door open with your daughter so she has someone to work her feelings through. The best way to do this is not to (appear to) judge. She has to make this decision based on what feels right for her, and this is what you should emphasize.<br>
Let a little time pass. I bet that either the relationship changes and gets more serious, or they split again. Like someone else said, you can’t really go backwards in a relationship.</p>
<p>OK, so it sounds like she did share with you. I can’t tell if she is concerned about the status of the relationship. Is she? If so, you can give input. Otherwise, I likely would not say much about it. But it does sound like she confided in you that she is hurt with the status and so you can talk it out with her as to options she may wish to consider. </p>
<p>Now, you say he wants to be “friends.” That sounds a little different than your initial post. Did he tell her “let’s be friends and hang out?” If so, then that is all it is and she should decide if she wants to be friends or not but it doesn’t sound like a relationship. As I said, my D has chosen to remain friends with her former boyfriends and has hung out with them as friends, but she, and they, are in new relationships. If your D wants to remain friends, she should. But if she is hoping for more than friends and he said “just friends”, then that is what it is. I didn’t get that from your earlier posts which sounded like they were dating, but he simply wasn’t ready to get “serious.” Now, it sounds like he would like to be friends, but not in a relationship with her.</p>