<p>Intentional or not she did hurt him. It’s not realistic for you to expect her not to get hurt now. Getting hurt in this type of situation is just part of being human and it can lead to personal development.</p>
<p>The ground rules as he is proposing isn’t OK with you and it sounds like it isn’t OK with your daughter either. I’d be pretty surprised if a casual, just have fun relationship can work for them given their history. She needs to be clear about this with herself as well as with him.</p>
<p>Noone has done anything wrong here although the boyfriend is being casual with your daughter’s feelings. He won’t continue to to do that if she sets some boundaries.</p>
<p>Why the heck has he made so many attempts to see her throughout the past year and a half if this was all he wanted? My daughter did not revisit this relationship until she knew it was what she wanted. </p>
<p>^^People mature at different rates. It could be that the work your daughter has done this last year has helped her mature and know herself, whereas he may not be as mature or ready for a real commitment. </p>
<p>It’s unfortunate that they are so off in their timing. Encourage her to examine her own feelings and decide what she wants from the relationship, and set boundaries if she has them. Just do it without sounding too annoyed with him if you can. I agree with others that he hasn’t done anything wrong, and seems to be trying to be honest. It’s up to her to decide if what he wants is what she wants. She shouldn’t be afraid to ask for exclusivity if that’s what she wants, and to not accept anything less. But don’t blame him if he doesn’t feel the same way.</p>
<p>Agree with moonchild’s post 43. I would not come across irritated with him to your daughter. If she is confiding to you that she feels hurt, help her sort through her feelings and determine if she is willing to just be friends, or if she only wants a romantic relationship. And if she wants a romantic relationship and he doesn’t, then she needs to set her boundaries based on what she wants for herself. And if they agree to date (more than as friends), then if she wants it to be exclusive, she’ll have to make that known and if he doesn’t, then she’ll have to decide if she wants to remain friends, even if not romantically involved. As I said, my D is friends with most of her previous boyfriends and still sees them but not romantically. Not everyone can do that. If she wants to be more than friends with him and he doesn’t, she can’t do anything about that but she can decide what she is willing to do and not do on her end of things. You can help her sort that out if she is coming to you about her feelings. But your feelings about him should stay out of it.</p>
<p>And if I may…just to try to see his perspective, he was hurt once by the break up and may be shielding himself from being hurt again to get romantically involved, but still values her friendship.</p>
<p>I hope my daughter is realistic with what this appears to be. I just don’t like the idea of sex in a relationship that is going no where. My daughter feels that he is still in love with her but is being careful before he gets too close. I just think she should rethink her position in this situation and leave sex out of it.</p>
<p>I agree. We have a daughter of similar age and I too would be concerned. Seeing your child get hurt is terrible to experience.</p>
<p>However, I fail to see what added value exists from a parent getting involved in their child’s relationships - good or bad. If you believe your getting involved is going to help and not cause trouble, please help me understand how.</p>
<p>As someone said in an earlier reply, “Finding her way is part of growing up.”</p>
<p>I think your D may have it pegged right. He is taking it slow so as to not get hurt again. She has to decide for herself if this current status is fine or not for her. She can keep dating him and see what happens. If she is not happy with it, she can bow out. I would not get involved or express YOUR concerns to her. But if she comes to you to share a concern, discuss her concern. Honestly, this is a common learning experience. She is just a junior in college and will learn through experiences what works for her or not with young men and after each relationship, she’ll know what she is willing to settle for and what she is not.</p>
<p>As an aside, my personal viewpoint is that she should not worry at this age if the “relationship is going somewhere.” Enjoy the relationship for the time being and see where it goes. She certainly can give a boundary that if they date, it must be exclusive. Not sure she has to worry where it is going. It will develop in one way or another. My D is in an exclusive relationship and I seriously doubt they discuss the future or where it is going. They are happy for now and what will be will be. They are still young.</p>
<p>He has told her exactly where his head is at. She needs to listen to him, not project what she wants the situation to be. I think she should take him at his word. I don’t think she will be happy with casual dating given their history, but she’ll realize that soon enough. That is all he is offering her now and unless he offers her more there is nothing she can do. He has established his boundaries, now she needs to establish hers.</p>
<p>She needs to listen to him, not project what she wants the situation to be.</p>
<p>Yes. Wasn’t that the message of “He’s Just not that into You.” Women project feelings onto men that aren’t there. If he really does love her, then he needs to say so. How will she feel if when it ends he tells her, “I never told you that I was still in love with you. It was just sex.”</p>
<p>However, I fail to see what added value exists from a parent getting involved in their child’s relationships - good or bad. </p>
<p>I disagree. I think parents should be involved, but not in an overly parental, domineering way. I think if more parents were involved in a helpful and LOVING and RESPECTFUL way, less people would get serious with bad matches.</p>
<p>Of course, my own judgement about my children’s matches is impeccable. But I promise you that if my parents had gotten involved in a LOVING and RESPECTFUL way to prevent me from getting serious with what they considered a bad match, it would either have severely impaired my relationship with them, deprived me of the most important relationship of my life, or (most likely) both. Their tentative, gutless hints were bad enough, and they have been paying through the nose for that for 30 years. (If you are going after your future daughter-in-law, you had better win, or make certain that she is a very forgiving kind of person. In this case, it was neither.)</p>
<p>I didn’t suggest saying anything to the boyfriend. If the daughter is dumb enough to share her mom’s concerns with her boyfriend, then 30 years of an unforgiving SIL is likely.</p>
<p>When a parent or friend nicely shares a concern, that concern should stay between the 2 people…not be shared with person who the parent/friend is concerned with.</p>
<p>You can’t unring a bell. I remember a friend who thought she was doing me a favor by taking my side in a fight with my husband. But she said all these over-the-top things about him that I remember to this day. That was almost 15 years ago, and I’m still married. And she’s still my friend, but I always feel like I have to walk on eggshells about him around her for fear she’ll lash out about a person who, on the whole, is a great person. Even if the dd never tells the bf what her mom said, the dd will know what her mom thinks, and what if she winds up marrying him?</p>
<p>I think it’s going off topic. OP thinks well of the boy. Just not the way the relationship is evolving. I am no expert in this but I don’t see any harm in mom pointing out pitfalls and showing D how and where to set the boundaries. Teachable moment?</p>
<p>As I said earlier the young man is a wonderful person and as I mentioned earlier I always thought they could end up together. It just seems like bad timing with the two of them. Since the original breakup he has remained good friends with my three sons. They see each other on breaks and have visited each other at their respective colleges. I had alot of respect for the way he treated my daughter. I just don’t like casual sex or understand how a relationship that was very strong become casual. I could see if they remained just very good friends but this has already crossed the line of friendship. </p>
<p>By the way unless I thought someone was toxic for my daughter I would never say anything to that person or anything to her that could be remembered later. I would however not have a problem telling any guy that I thought was awful, where the door was. I just don’t think she would ever bring someone home that was that bad. She usually dated very nice guys.</p>
<p>I think it is only a teachable moment of the kid is asking for advice. In any case, providing opinions about the BF (or GF) is not a good idea. The focus should be on whatever your own kid wants advice about on their end of it.</p>
<p>@momma-three, it was always clear to me you liked this young man, which is one of the reasons you are having so much trouble watching what is going on. I don’t think a relationship will work with the terms the boyfriend has set and your daughter is going to need to give some push back to keep these from being the terms. After that I don’t know what will happen. Maybe he won’t budge from the stance he has taken and they’ll both move on. Maybe he’ll realize he wants to hang onto your daughter and he’ll recommit to the relationship. Maybe after he recommits things won’t work because your daughter will be reminded of why she broke up with him.</p>
<p>Trust that what is meant to be will be. If things don’t work out between them then believe that there is a son-in-law in your future who you’ll like every bit as much as you like this young man.</p>
Encourage her to examine her own feelings and decide what she wants from the relationship, and set boundaries if she has them. Just do it without sounding too annoyed with him if you can. I agree with others that he hasn’t done anything wrong, and seems to be trying to be honest. It’s up to her to decide if what he wants is what she wants. She shouldn’t be afraid to ask for exclusivity if that’s what she wants, and to not accept anything less. But don’t blame him if he doesn’t feel the same way.</p>