Daughter with social anxiety

Parent Cafe
1

I have only posted before about the college related issues but I wanted to get some advice from the CC parents on this issue.

We have a very close family and have always had a good relationship with my daughter. Over the past year she has developed a pretty severe social anxiety and sometimes has panic attacks. We have schedule a visit in a few weeks with her pediatrician (she is 16 by the way) to see about medication. I have always been a minimalist when it comes to using drugs but in this case I’m hoping it will help.

We can’t find any reason for the social anxiety- she has friends at school and is surprisingly fine on stage-she was the lead in her school musical this year. She did have a tough time in middle school with some girls which we found out about later (she was good at hiding it) but nothing out of the ordinary for middle schoolers.

We are trying to figure out how this could happen- a sweet girl who received lots of love is now upset and anxious a good deal of the time and we can’t make sense of it. We tell her we love her, ask if there is anything we can do but she always says no (other than agreeing to the doctors visit). We have heard cognitive behavioral therapy can help also so we’ll look into that.

Anyone have experience with this? Is this something that gets better in time? Will she need to be on drugs (assuming they help) all her life?

We are trying to find some hope here. My wife is a mess, crying a lot of the time. I comfort her but don’t know what else to say to help her feel it will get better.

2

I have a friend to whom something similar happened. The girl was being bullied - incidents that many of us would have shrugged off but it affected her deeply. This is such a fragile time! I think it may be worthwhile setting up a few sessions with a therapist of some sort to give her a safe place to express emotion. I’m sorry you are going through this and best wishes. It hurts when our kids hurt.

3

Social anxiety is a treatable disorder. You are correct in exploring treatment which will be most effective if combined, cognitive behavior therapy plus medication. The need for long term medication will depend on your daughter’s response to treatment. It is not unusual for mental health issues to seem like they suddenly appear, and it is very typical for mental health issues to come to the fore in mid to late adolescence. Continue to try to learn as much as you can about the disorder, pursue treatment as you are doing and keep faith that it can get better because it can.

4

Glad you are taking this seriously and have a dr. appointment. It is so scary when our kids are in trouble and we don’t understand why or how to help. At least this is happening while your D is still in HS and living at home where you can be supportive and make sure she gets good treatment.

DD’s good friend had similar issue and found therapy and meds helpful (meds were short-term, about six months IIRC). Parents had a couple of therapy sessions with and w/o their daughter. She’s now at her dream grad school (where she only knew one other student going in) and is doing well both socially and academically.

May you, your wife, and your daughter find peace. Please keep us posted.

5

Please insist on seeing an endocrinologist and getting a full work up. Hormone shifts often present in psychological behavior.

6

I agree with Northernmom. This is not uncommon to come up at this time. I have a teen with social anxiety, though it is milder than many of her friends, who have much more intense symptoms. So many girls are being diagnosed with it, now. It is not a diagnoses du jour, though…it is real. As a friend who’s daughter also has it says, “high school is a pit of vipers…academically and socially” . I have a counseling background and I believe that the pressures on these kids to succeed (which is in the culture, it may not be from home) plus the complexities of social interactions AND old school relational bullying that girls tend to do, takes its toll. In our circle, it’s the the “bright, polite, alright” girls that I’ve seen develop social anxiety, so your daughter falls right in line with those I’ve seen. it’s getting younger and younger, too, as society gets more intense and complex. My friend had an amazingly sweet, kind, smart, and popular 5th grader grader who, out of the blue, developed severe anxiety symptoms and refused to go to school. My friend had her child on meds for a short time to stabilize, with cog behavioral therapy. In a few short months, it was under control and she is off meds. another friend’s child is more like mine…lesser symptoms but avoids social interaction, gets anxious when having to deal with peers, shied away from all school activities. We both took the same approach. Therapy (we did it all through junior year…my friend is on her second year) Combined with encouraging her to find other social outlets outside of school (D. found music, friend’s D found photography)) and allowing them to discover their passion, helped. Another friend does both group therapy and individual for her daughter, and it’s helping tremendously.

So have heart…it’s not your parenting or your child. It’s in our culture. And unfortunately, I think it might get worse. My theory is the more intense and driven the culture in which you live, the more you may see it. Just a theory, though. the silver lining to this is that not only have I seen girls recover, but the therapy they receive at a young age enables them to be stronger and to know their limits. My D included. My daughter is headed off to college this fall as a much more self-aware and capable individual than she would have been without the therapy. She has passion for music, and has absolutely no social anxiety symptoms When dealing with others in that milleu, and will be majoring in that. She will be fine. And so will her friends who are being treated.

The one caution is that to not treat can be disastrous. My D’s one friend who didn’t address it has developed such somatization in her body as to keep her home from school for 2 years. she will not be attending college next fall, as a result. Her parents are “old school”…refuse to see the anxiety as a real diagnoses and think that she has a weak immune system that will recover with rest. It’scrazy! So do the right thing…see therapists, a psychiatrist if necessary to screen and diagnose (believe it or not, they do not always prescribe meds), take meds if warranted and prescribed by a professional you trust, and know she (and you) are not alone! It’s sooooo tough to raise girls these days.

7

Some people are just prone to anxiety disorders the way other people are prone to allergies. It’s not her fault, it’s not your fault, and I’m not even sure it’s our culture’s fault. It just is – and it really doesn’t matter why. You get it treated, just as you would with an allergy.

See what the pediatrician says. Therapy – particularly cognitive-behavioral therapy, which is kind of a training program in which you develop habits about thinking differently about things – may be useful. Medication may be useful. And the situation may be temporary (although anxiety problems tend to recur).

8

Yes, been there in spades. Stress and anxiety issues frequently appear for the first time in adolescence.

Your wife needs to stop crying about this, right now. It fuels feelings your daughter has that this is a disaster and add to her stress and pressure to appear well, even if she is not. This is not what you want. The message that you both need to send to your child is that everything will be okay in the future and that needing help, and seeking help, are not signs of weakness or failure.

9

Onset of social anxiety can seem very sudden (although, in retrospect, you may realize that some signals were present earlier). It is treatable with therapy or medication or some combination of both.

The comic Steve Martin had an onset of anxiety disorder at age 21, and he writes about it in his memoir “Born Standing Up.” I think the best thing you and your W can do is to learn as much as you can about social phobia and comorbid disorders, and see how other people have dealt with them. Successful treatment takes patience, a lot of family support, and a willingness to endure some setbacks.

A book that I have not read, but which I believe is pretty highly regarded, is Scott Stossel’s “My Age of Anxiety.” Best wishes to your family through this journey. Once treated, anxiety disorders can recur through life, but with practice a great many people learn to successfully manage them over time.

10

You are right to have the right professionals look into this…both MD and therapists.

Your D is at the age when these sort of things pop up.

You’re smart not too wait too long. My H’s brother has social anxiety, never treated at all (family in denial), and it has affected nearly all aspects of his life.

Your wife is crying all the time about this? Either tell her to put on her big girl pants or find out if she needs treatment as well. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but issues such as these “run in families,” and if your wife can be overly emotional about matters that really don’t warrant such, then maybe she might want to seek help with that. Concern is normal, crying is not. Your D has not been Dx’d with terminal cancer. Your D has something that can be treated.

Children look to their parents’ reactions to determine how they should react. The parents need to Stay Calm and let the professionals do their job.

I wish your DD well.

11

It sounds like you are trying to find a reason why this is happening, but often times there isn’t one. Some people are just predisposed to mental illness physiologically or chemically.

In my own experience, it tends to wax and wane. I deal with social anxiety among other things, and sometimes I am fine and get on with my life as normal. Other times, particularly when I’m dealing with a lot of stress, I won’t leave my apartment for days at a time except for going to work. I tried medication (though I only tried one type) and also tried therapy, which was also not helpful for me, though it was not strictly CBT. Feel free to PM me if you want

12

OP here: Thanks for all the support- CC is such a supportive family! I may have overemphasized my wife’s crying-it is recent-she had a stroke (doing better now) and lost her mother all last month so it’s related to all the pressure she has been under- she is very supportive of my daughter and she’s great mother.

We’re hanging in there-nice to know we’re not alone and that my daughter may get through all of this okay.

13

Also have her write down what she eats for a few days. Maybe she is sensitive to something, not getting enough protein, too much sugar etc. Make sure she is getting enough sleep, exercise and laughter.

Clair Weekes wrote an excellent book on anxiety. Basically accept that this is how you react, there is a time limit to the discomfort and it will pass. It takes practice but when she starts feeling panicky or anxiety, she needs to realize it will be over soon, breathe deeply into her abdomen, not shallowly.

Your wife needs to STOP aggravating the situation. Your family needs to understand this is a treatable and VERY common problem, not a crisis. If everyone around her calms down, she probably will too.

Best of luck

14

You’ve gotten good advice above. My daughter also has anxiety but more of the generalized/perfectionist sort. These things do run in families…and not all that “crazy side of the family” stuff. If you look back you may find mom gets wound up easily (and may herself be anxious), grandma may have been ocd about cleaning (etc), grandpa was depressed It need not be extreme. I do think that the way our kids lives run it seems to be accelerated. I, myself, did not really develop anxiety until I was close to my 30’s and working as a lawyer, yet I see way more anxiety, especially in high performing kids, than ever existed when I was young.

Best to you and your family.

15

OP, I understand your wife’s crying and must say, I might do the same thing. Hopefully she makes a point to do this out of sight of your D. While this is treatable and is not a cancer diagnosis, it is not up to us to decide the level of sadness or fear you have that this is a current situation for your daughter. It’s all relative to individual families. I can understand how this at this time feels like a “crisis” to you as parents. Just try to react to the situation with solutions and help rather than show your concerns in a way such as crying outbursts in front of your D/family.

Good luck at the upcoming appointment.

16

That is a lot of stuff to be happening to a family - may have contributed to the stress that triggered the anxiety attacks. Anyway, as others have said, look into blodwork to check for physical reasons, and into behavioral therapy and possibly meds to deal with it.

17

Two pieces of advice, in addition to the great ideas already posted:

  1. CALL NAMI!! It's the National Alliance on Mental Illness. It is an outstanding organization that is there for people with a diagnosis AND their families. NAMI has a 12-week FREE class for family members that teaches you about illnesses (anxiety being one of them), meds, symptoms, problem-solving methods, communication, etc., etc. Your wife will learn that it's not anyone's fault that your daughter has anxiety. She'll also learn what to do to help your daughter. Google "NAMI [my state]" and you will get all the contact info you need. Seriously, I can't tell you how many times I've heard of NAMI described as "life saving."
  2. If it were me, I would take my daughter to a child/adolescent psychiatrist. In fact, that's what I've just done with our youngest, a 17-year-old girl. She was traumatized by having to call 911 in February for her older brother, who has schizophrenia. So we sent her to a highly-recommended therapist. This woman now tells us that D is a "very anxious young lady," very stressed about school and applying for college. She wanted me to take D to her pediatrician, because she said he would be perfectly capable of prescribing meds. I asked a CC friend who's a psychiatrist, and she said she really recommended starting with a psychiatrist, because he or she would be able to spot potential side effects (such as suicidal tendencies) much quicker. My daughter saw the psychiatrist last week, and I was pleased that he told her to take some time to think about whether she really wants to go on meds, because it's a big decision.

It’s a good thing you’re taking this seriously. Now is the time to get her help! Even my schizophrenic son is doing better. He’s living in a wonderful group home and studying for the first actuarial exam. It’s been a hard road, but there IS hope. :slight_smile:

18

Here’s a link for you that might be helpful in understanding anxiety better: http://themighty.com/2015/05/31-secrets-of-people-who-live-with-anxiety/

19

When my husband’s thyroid first went out of wack he had anxiety about speaking in front of groups. It made no sense at all because he had been speaking in front of people for years. Once they figured out his thyroid wasn’t working correctly and got him on thyroid meds the anxiety went away. So if you haven’t done this already have her blood work checked just to make sure it’s not something like that.

20

@artie1 Your D sounds like mine (with exception of the stage work). Towards the end of 11th grade my D would just start crying in class and would end up going to the nurse. She could never explain why, just that she couldn’t stop crying. We took her to her doctor who ordered blood and found everything was okay. During the summer we had her evaluated for ADD which she was. While she was seeing the psychiatrist, for ADD meds, and when my D was talking to doctor about other things, the doctor diagnosed D as having an anxiety disorder .

She was prescribed Prozac- the lowest dosage. She has been on it a little over a year and it helped her enormously. Just found out from D (now 19) that she hasn’t taken her Prozac for about 2 weeks because she forgot to call in her Rx. I asked her how she was feeling and she says she thinks she’s doing better. I asked her to talk to her doctor to see if maybe she could stay off Prozac to see what happens.

During this year (while on the Rx), D got a job at Arby’s and has been dealing with strangers (customers) which would sometimes freak her out. She says she has not had an attack in about 6 months. The medicine helped her immensely but I am hoping that maybe the new job has helped her gain experience in dealing with people and maybe she wil be able to come off them. if not, at least she’s on the lowest dosage.

good luck with your D.