<p>This is a bit OT, but I do want to say that I am seeing, a lot, and I mean quite A LOT of parents who are very unhappy because their bright, ambitious, successful, motivated DDs are with SOs, sometimes now married and with children, who are not making the money and will probably not be making the money as their wives. The transition, however, is not yet complete, in that in many of the situations, though the husband is not the main breadwinner, he is often also not taking the lion’s share of the burden and responsibilities with the household and the children. That puts a very heavy burden on these women. </p>
<p>I was a SAHM pretty much most of our marriage, but unequivocally, I took the brunt of all the issues that occurred on the homefront and with the kids. It allowed my DH to focus on his job and in bringing as much money home as possible and to enjoy his time at home with the kids as much as possible. We had a number of crises where if he had not kept on working, if he had come home and gotten involved, we’d be in terrible shape financially as nearly every dime that came into this household came via his paycheck and efforts. So when I see the moms who are working the mega hours also have to cope with child care issues, sick child issues, getting household repairs done, etc, I do feel very sorry for them as they have that load on top of a job that is heavy duty. Of course, that was always the case for single parents and those for whom for whatever reason, maybe both partners having jobs that required a lot of time and focus, had to do both. </p>
<p>“I think barring actual problems (abuse, drugs, or serious character flaws), it’s pretty obnoxious for parents to tell their kids someone is not good enough for them or they need to move on from a relationship.”</p>
<p>There is a tradition is many cultures of older family members desiring, and openly expressing those desires, for their daughters and grandaughters to marry husbands that are industrious and successful. While I certainly agree that in many cases opposites attract (two Type A personalities might have challenges), I don’t think all industrious and successful people are Type A personalities. I an okay with mom’s and grandmoms wanting their daughters and grandaughters to marry men who are economically stable. Maybe I am a “throw back,” but I am not a bad person. ;)</p>
<p>I think that pretty much every culture has some sort of tradition of parents telling their child that a particular potential mate isn’t good enough, or that the child needs to move on – at least those cultures where it is acknowledged that the child (or the daughter) has anything at all to say in the matter. And most of those cultures also have a tradition of the child (or daughter) not thinking much of the advice and not following it. </p>
<p>In non-fictional reality, I think it’s way more common than is generally acknowledged for children to take their parents’ advice on choice of mate, although not usually as a simple matter of “You’re so right, Mom! I never noticed that Romeo was lazy, unambitious, entitled, and quarrelsome until you pointed it out.” It usually takes a while for the poison to do its work. (Not that it’s necessarily poison, either.) I think most parents and children are on the same wavelength . . . but just not necessarily on the same square at the same time.</p>
<p>It’s also the case that parents can be wrong about this – wrong in their judgments about how a particular person matches up with their criteria, and wrong about which criteria are most important. Kids, of course, can also be wrong about both – sensationally wrong, especially with their teenage romances. Time tends to beat a lot of people up on these issues.</p>
<p>Let us remember that we’re talking about a 17 year old who’s not in college yet. We’re not talking marriage, lifelong mates, bread-winner, etc. We’re talking about a high school boyfriend who may no longer be a boyfriend come May or June, and probably won’t by Thanksgiving next year.
While Op’s concern about his/her daughter not meeting enough new people are valid, there are obvious solutions: Daughter lives in the dorms = will have a roommate, meet new people there, etc, while boyfriend is in town but not in the dorm, in town but not in the same classes, in town but not at lunch, and not meeting the new people until weekend parties. OP’s daughter is not going to sit, forlorn, at lunch; she’s not going to ditch study groups, work study, etc. In the end, it’ll solve itself.</p>
<p>Of course parents are going to be worried about this situation. It is a complication, and it could make for a more difficult transition to college, and most of us are anxious about this and so want it to work out. Many of my hall mates from freshman year had high school boyfriends, but only one ended up staying with the old beaus. I know of only one woman in our class who actually came to the our college to follow her high school love. That ended badly, and I think that so much of the focus was on the relationship and not about the school made things worse for her. I actually knew the male in the situation better than I did her, and he was clearly more interested in delving into the school and what it had to offer than she was. It was very clear that she was there to be with him. She did sit forlorn at lunch if not with her boyfriend, ditch study groups, making other friends, etc, etc. </p>
<p>But then I know a bunch of high school sweethearts who ended up marrying and are still together; most of them married young. </p>
<p>“The transition, however, is not yet complete, in that in many of the situations, though the husband is not the main breadwinner, he is often also not taking the lion’s share of the burden and responsibilities with the household and the children. That puts a very heavy burden on these women.”</p>
<p>Yes, while some men make fab SAHParents, there are some that really do not do the same chores as the typical SAHM. My BIL hasn’t worked in over 30 years, yet he never did the work that most SAHM’s did. He even put his kids in daycare as babies because he didn’t want to be bothered. He completely lacks ambition about anything but TV and computer chess. I’m sure that his in-laws feel that their D has been “put-upon” because when she came home from work, she had to do much of the work that a SAHM mom would do. The truth is that she did feel put-upon and finally was able to negotiate with her job to let her work from home. At least that way she could do “double duty” during the day, instead of “over time” every night. </p>
<p>As Cpt mentions, a SAHM takes care of matters large and small so her H can focus on work. Those matters range from buying Bday gifts, to social obligations, to “taxi-driving,” to cleaning, to childcare, to overall home mgmt. </p>
<p>Yes, but this is a completely different generation than the OP’s D. The idea of being a SAHP was probably completely foreign to your BIL when growing up and he was just raised as it’s not <em>his</em> job. However, my generation (and the OP’s D) were really not raised like that. Many were, yes, but it’s far more rare than ever before. </p>
<p>My dad was a SAHD for a long time and that raised plenty of eyebrows. Now, my fiancé wants to be a SAHD and no one has batted an eyelash. A generation (or more as it would seem in your BIL’s case) makes a HUGE difference. </p>
<p>Yes, this is a different generation, and yes, some males are stepping up and make great SAHPs. But the transition is still there–I do believe it will be better in the future, but it takes time. There are also some things that are just more along the lines for moms, like breast feeding that cannot be assigned along gender lines that can make things more difficult.</p>
<p>I write this as two of my dear friends DDs are suffering terribly in that they have little children and their spouses just are not doing it the way they know they can, and yet the women are making the money, way more than the men. The transition is not complete and, yes, there is more to it than batting the eye.</p>
<p>I did not raise my boys to be SAHPs, unfortunately, not in the least. No dolls, no talks on things, no exposure at all. So it would be all new territory to them. If any of the THEM become SAHPs, their male offspring might well have that advantage. I know times are changing, but the change still has a way to go. And there are still the hesitation that some families have about letting their little girls go to some homes with SAHD. I know two women who just wouldn’t do it because of past abuse issues. Yes, it happens with boys and men too, but it’s the preponderance of the cases that make the difference. My brother is a SAHD in a very progressive area, and he does admit that he and his DD, not his DS, but DD has been left out of things. He gets left out all of the time, because there is that gender issue. I mean, a married woman, like me would simply not invite a SAHD over to the house for coffee klatch alone, and to show off some clothes and ask if they would work for a wedding. You can’t get around the gender at times. I have a mom coming over Monday or Tues–a drop by when you can. Even an old lady like me would not issue such an invite to a SAHD, and it wouldn’t go over well if I did. THings have not progressed that much yet. A lot of eyelashes would be batted.</p>
<p>This is the reality. But yes, the "times, they are a changin’ ", but there are pains that come in the transitions. Another generation, IMO will do it.</p>
<p>I actually had this happen in college, and I agree there isn’t much you can do about it particularly if your daughter wants it. I can’t say it was problem free, in fact I ended up transferring (not entirely for that reason, but it did figure into it), but then he ended up following. All I can say is that the situation kind of caries with it its own wake up call, or it did for me.</p>
<p>From my own experience the only thing I can think of that might help is asking her how she would feel if she felt responsible for him uprooting himself, and then she came to feel differently about him? </p>
<p>It is a flattering thing to think about when you don’t think it through.</p>
<p>Then again, if she is ‘sure’, it is going to be hard to convince her otherwise. I agree you could require she have a place of her own (not with him) because you are funding academics heavily and you don’t want to build in complications to her living arrangements.</p>
<p>Sorry, we got OT here. I can say that I’ve seen it work out–great marriages, great lives, great kids out of the deal, love stories with great endings, …and not, and all in between. You just hope that it works out because making it too problematic often has a boomerang effect. I would not encourage it, would not help it out, but would not bad mouth or make ultimatums that can backfire, because there is no way of knowing how this is going to play out. </p>
<p>" I have a mom coming over Monday or Tues–a drop by when you can. Even an old lady like me would not issue such an invite to a SAHD, and it wouldn’t go over well if I did. THings have not progressed that much yet. A lot of eyelashes would be batted."</p>
<p>Dang! Sure would make life more interesting. lol</p>
<p>Well, thank the stars, cpt, you and I live in COMPLETELY different social circles and in mine, stay at home moms have no issue with stay at home dads coming over.
My life and social circle (and my parents’) are not nearly as gender stratified as they seem to be in other parts of the country or in other income levels. Thankfully. I’d go insane if SAHM invited over a SAHD and people yapped. </p>
<p>Thanks for all of the helpful replies. For some reason, this topic got completely off tract. Nowhere did I ever mention SAHD of SAHM.
Hopefully, I can get more replies on whether I should even say one more thing to my D. Sounds like that is a big NO. Again, my main worries are that my daughter will have him on her mind more than school and socializing.
Do you agree on that part of my worries?</p>
<p>Yes. I agree. i believe most parents would be worried in that situation too. It’s a real concern. My advice is to focus on encouraging your DD to get involved in her school, academics, ECs, opportunities, friends, all the things that will be there for her, and leave out any negatives about the BF. Just keep that out of the picture. As the old saying goes, if you don’t have anything nice to say about a person, say nothing. When it comes to the SOs of our loved ones, it’s especially important.</p>
Does it seem to you from your observations that he is a bad influence on her studies, etc? I once had a BF who NEVER wanted to study. He was always wanting me to do X or Y or Z and making some excuse that we could study later. Of course, later we were too tired or he wanted to do P or Q or S, and would argue that I wasn’t being a good GF if I didn’t want to be with him, so I ended up not studying much. It was my “bad” semester grade wise and the only time I ever got a C.</p>
<p>This is why I think a couple in the college age at least had better be relatively compatible or learn how to compromise with each other. If one needs a lot of study to keep up with the school work but the other does not, it may cause some inconvenience if not difficulties. If one is a night owel but the other is an early riser, it will give them some troubles also. If one likes to party but the other does not,…and so on.</p>
<p>No, he isnt a bad influence on her studying as far as I can tell. I really cant tell, as My daughter isnt really be challenged in her Senior HS Classes. Only one AP course, but thats another story. She has never brought home less than an A, so I cant tell what would happen in school once she is there alone without us with him.
I am still wondering how he will be able to afford to move there and attend JC and also live in an apartment without some kind of support from his parrents. Financial aid only gives you so much aid for JC . Only time will see, but I am not going to bring him up, or ask anymore questions that might put her on the defense. </p>
<p>I did not read all the posts on this thread so I may have missed something. Will the BF ask OP’s D to live off-campus together so that he and she share the living cost? Should he ask, what D’s response will be? Some college has the policy of requiring all freshmen to live in the dorm. Should there be such a request from the BF and the D, is she willing to use this as a good excuse to not live off-campus?</p>
<p>I am not saying it will happen. I am just saying that if it happens, what D’s and OP’s response may be?</p>
<p>OP, you have my sympathy. If I were in your situation, frankly I would not know what to do other than pray for the best ending whatever it may be. (This comment comes from a parent whose S’s GF (now likely an EX) told him that her ex-BF would likely follow her to the college next semester and she is not willing o stop communicating with or checking on the ex (or exes) regularly online. What a triangle!)</p>
<p>As for my daughter living off campus, no, she will be living on campus in dorms at all of her choices for her Freshmen yr. So at least the freshmen housing is taken care, which will impact D’s BF if he choses to try to make the move and go to school. I havent heard, but I guess he could just forego JC altogether and just move to her College town and get a job and housing of some sort?
Thanks</p>