<p>Have had a friend/family relationship with this man for 22 years. He is a father figure to my daughter, age 21. We have always differed politically, with my being liberal and his being conservative. We have had to tip toe around this issue for years, as he gets very offended by my contrasting views, although I am very accepting of differences and he is not. But overall, he has been a very supportive nad helpful and good friend to us both. I have seen this man through the deaths of his parents, sisters and several job losses and have been there to offer support, help, offers to pay for continuing his education, offers to have him move in rent free, rehab his house, etc. He has been there through the death of my mother, loss of dearly loved pets, raising a child as a single parent, bailing me out of financial troubles, etc. We are friends! Shortly before the election, he and his “other” daughter were over and she asked me who I was voting for and I replied. He called me a communist in front of her, and I said, no I am not, and added that I thought people should vote for whoever they felt was the best candidate, whoever that is. Come election night, I texted him and said my sister and I were having an election party if he wanted to come over to watch the results. Then later that night I texted him again with a technical electoral vote question I knew he could answer. No reply to either. The following weekend, he called to say he had tickets to a football game for that day, he knew it was late and that I hate football, but did I want to go. I said no that I had plans with my sister (her birthday). He went on to say he had asked 6 or 7 different people and no one could go and said I should cancel my plans with my sister and go. I said no again and we eventually ended the call. He has asked me dozens of times over the years to go to games, some of which I have gone to and some not. I texted him about other things during the next week and he did not respond. I said I was worried about him becasue he always replies so quickly. No answer. I called and he said “You know why I’m mad and I’m not going to talk about it. You go your way and I’ll go mine from now on.” I was shocked and confused. A few days later, my daughter was getting ready to come home 1000 miles from college for Thanksgiving, and he texts her that he is not coming over, for the first time in 22 years. I called and left him a message saying I wasn’t sure why he was angry, but that I loved him and was concerned, but whatever it is, that is between adults – and to please not disappoint my daughter by messing up her Thanksgiving. He texted her and told her to have a good holiday with her Aunt and did not mention me. I called him again today and asked him to please tell me what was wrong. He said I had thrown the election in his face by asking him to come over election night, and I refused to go to an important game with him when he asks so little of me. (He never told me it was very important for any reason). And then he said “my” candidate will cause thousands of people to loose their jobs and he is insulted that I “threw all that in his face” by asking questions about the election. He said he will likely never have a relationship with me again but that it doesn’t affect my daughter at all. I am at my wit’s end trying to figure out what happened. This feels so abusive. And it is tearing me apart to see my daughter just act like nothing happened and go off to a game with him today. Advice, feedback?? I am serioulsy hurt and sad over this life changing event.</p>
<p>Honestly, the way that you describe him, he seems like a mean spirited, narrowminded, vengeful person, not the type to encourage to have a fatherly relationship with your daughter. My concern is that she’d be using him as a role model for the type of men she should be romantically involved with. Seems you and your daughter would be much better off without him, and the best thing you could do for your D’s relationship with him would be for you to move on without including him in your life. If she chooses to maintain a relationship with him, that’s her business, but it doesn’t mean that you need to invite him for family-like holiday celebrations.</p>
<p>I agree with Northstarmom. And you pretty much said it yourself</p>
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<p>It is.</p>
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Although you probably meant well, he might have perceived this as ‘throwing it in his face’ - re that your candidate was almost sure to win at that point.</p>
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Whoops - I actually wrote my earlier response before seeing this quote. It confirms what I said based on the early part of your post.</p>
<p>Some people get very emotional over elections, candidates, and political affiliations. Just take a look at the political threads on CC where otherwise civil people start lashing out at other posters in very unfriendly ways. When someone wants to maintain a friendship with someone else they need to learn to avoid their hot buttons. It sounds as if his hot button is politics. Maybe he’ll get past this or maybe not but if you want a relationship of some kind with him you probably should avoid the subject of politics. Good luck.</p>
<p>I agree with NSM. But, at the same time, I feel that the D ought to try to maintain a good relationship with this man. He has been good to her (and she probably has also been good for him). The OP has done all she can to keep open channels of communication. By going to a game with this father figure, the D is emulating her mom in her open-mindedness, not taking sides. And perhaps, there are things about the man that the OP does not know about, such as concern over very possible job loss; he is unreasonable in blaming Obama for future problems whose roots predate the election, but it may explain his current lack of empathy. Wait and how things unfold. He may take steps to mend the relationship, or he may not. If he does, it will be good that the D maintained her relationship with him.</p>
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<p>She did throw it in his face. She knew that he was not a Democratic supporter, yet wanted to rub it in his face by inviting him to an election night celebration. Pretty darn rude. I’d be cheesed, too.</p>
<p>My own brother did it to me. The day after the election I get this long e-mail from him about the seas parting and the light shining down from the heavens. I wrote a polite (but short) e-mail back to him telling him that I was happy for him that his guy had won and I could tell he was excited.</p>
<p>Damn fool couldn’t take a hint. The next day I get a three page e-mail telling my why I should be excited about something that he apparently viewed as commensurate with the second coming. I wrote him back and suggested that his exhuberance was great. That he should go burn incense, dance naked in the streets, sacrifice a goat, or whatever would adequately express his joy, but what exactly did he want from me and was he really planning to browbeat me on a daily basis until he got it?</p>
<p>That is so rude. I would never do that to somebody after an election, not knowing if or how they voted.</p>
<p>Some people take elections very seriously. I had a co-worker who said he didn’t sleep well till the Bush-Gore saga was over in Bush’s favor.</p>
<p>welcome back interesteddad</p>
<p>Hey, I am fairly new to these forums. I like many of Northstarmom’s posts, but I beg to differ here. The OP was at best insensitive to invite the guy to a election party, knowing full well that her candidate was going to win, and that the party was, I assumed, full of liberal friends. Picture this, there was this one conservative amongst tens of liberals on the night that set them on high… Friends don’t want to see friends in pain, do they? If I were the OP, I’d apologize for that insensivity. Whether to continue friendship, it’s up to each side to decide.</p>
<p>I had the same thoughts as above. I would have been mightily offended if a “friend” had invited me to an ambush. Or at least to a gathering where I would have felt uncomfortable and unwelcome.</p>
<p>If you ever valued the relationship, you should apologize.</p>
<p>I disagree. OP invited this man over to watch the election result, not to celebrate the outcome a day later. I don’t think anyone knew for sure the outcome until results were called in. The OP doesn’t owe this guy an apology. He needs to grow up. I would leave him alone and not give him the attention he doesn’t deserve. I think he is throwing a fit because he doesn’t have control over OP - different political view, not going to his very important ball game. I would let him continue to have relationship with your daughter, but I would not let him bully you.</p>
<p>^^ But the OP’s friend stated that he perceived the OP as ‘throwing it in his face’ so like it or not this was his perception. I’ve never been to an ‘election party’ but I certainly wouldn’t want to go to one with a bunch of members of the opposite party knowing full well they may stand up and cheer, high-five, etc. when their candidate wins. This seems to be especially the case in this last election. And in this election on the day before the election it was pretty certain Obama would win.</p>
<p>I do think the idea of the election party was throwing it in the face of this friend who’s obviously sensitive to the political world. However, even after that he invited the OP to the game with him and was turned down. It sounds as if the OP’s friend is reacting way overboard on this given the info here. All the OP can do is make friendly gestures, as it appears she has, and see if the friend reacts positively. If he doesn’t, he probably wasn’t that much of a friend in the first place or there’s something else going on here.</p>
<p>I think the OP’s “friend” needs to grow up. </p>
<p>Perhaps the election night invitation wasn’t the best idea, seeing as she is very aware of their political differences, and she should apologize for that. But after that she should keep her distance and wait for him to renew the friendship.</p>
<p>Could he be a closet racist that can’t handle the new reality?</p>
<p>“I disagree. OP invited this man over to watch the election result, not to celebrate the outcome a day later. I don’t think anyone knew for sure the outcome until results were called in.”</p>
<p>I agree. I was a staunch Obama supporter, but even election day was canvassing for votes because despite the polls, I still thought McCain could pull out a win. I simply didn’t believe the polls, and was shocked when the election was called for Obama at 11 pm. eastern time.</p>
<p>If the friend didn’t want to attend the election party, all he had to do was politely decline. He didn’t need to become hostile and passive aggressive about it.</p>
<p>Politics is a big issue of conflict in this relationship. Why in the world would they ever want to be in the same room on election night? From the OP’s viewpoint, it was an invitation to a party. To the friend, it was an invitation to a celebration of his candidate’s loss. Again, from the friend’s perspective, the game invitation might have been passing the olive branch, BUT his reaction to OP’s prior plans is where it gets weird and big red flags go up.</p>
<p>OP has done all she could to mend the situation. He’s being a bully. Let him stew and go on with your life.</p>
<p>"He needs to grow up. I would leave him alone and not give him the attention he doesn’t deserve. I think he is throwing a fit because he doesn’t have control over OP "</p>
<p>Well said oldfort.</p>
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<p>Have you or your daughter noticed anything else substantially out of character for this friend of 22 years?</p>
<p>Whether she meant it or not, he did take the invites and questions as having his face rubbed in his defeat- people are emotional about politics. I would apologise for the text invites, make sure he knows that you were not trying to tease him about losing (a text can be taken as teasing) or be mean spirited, you just did not realise how he would feel.</p>
<p>He is probably overly sensitive and took that mind set into the game invite- he could feel like that was your ‘chance’ to prove no hard feelings.</p>
<p>Simply apologise for hurting his feelings and indicate you did not intend the comments in that hostile spirit. Then give him a bit of time. Whether he is being a brat or not, that would be a kind thing to do. It seems to relationship is worth saving and you may need to be the bigger person to at least ensure if you go your separate ways it is for the right reason. Make sure he understands you had no malice- if he is still a jerk about it, you can make a different choice then, but get him on the same page before making a permanent decision.</p>
<p>I agree with somemom. Apologise in writing to save a relationship you have highly valued, tell him you hope he can forgive you and then back away and give him space. If he also values your relationship he will eventually be back. Agree to never, ever talk politics again. If you do apologise don’t try and explain your actions. Just say you are sorry for hurting his feelings so badly and that you would never knowingly hurt him…blah,blah.blah.</p>
<p>Sometimes it is worth it to just make amends.</p>
<p>I agree with those who said it was insensitive to invite this fellow, who has very strong opinions about politics that are the opposite of yours, over for an election evening party. Then calling him to check on an electoral matter was again insensitive. Although the election was only decided that night, it was pretty clear before that how things were likely to go. Some people were heavily emotionally invested in their candidates and did have a lot of trouble accepting the result with grace. With such people, I tend to low key my contacts at that sensitive time. He may have *perceived *your repeated contacts as gloating opportunities, even if they were not.</p>
<p>If you do want to keep this relationship, despite his issues (and I do have good friends who disagree with me about politics but there are other areas we can share), I would do a meaningful apology. Then leave it up to him. </p>
<p>Your daughter’s decision and relationship is her own, but I would recommend you discuss your own feelings and experiences with her.</p>